Grass isn't greener.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Billiesue, Jun 21, 2017.

  1. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    My son who moved to his Dad's after coming home drunk and me taking his car. Happy to report he is talking to me more. He has been driving one of his Dad's diesel trucks. Dad had some issues with him bringing it home with no gas. (Dad reports he has been doing well. Hasn't smelled anything on him and he is working with Dad everyday.) Anyway apparently he ran the diesel out of gas and it messed up some kind of filter that he and Dad changed. Son drives this truck to graduation. Graduation was great. He looked so happy. Hugged me and took pictures with everyone. My husband and I are on our way home. He calls to say this truck is leaking puddles of gas. He was stranded. I called his Dad. (It's his truck). He goes to get him and apparently gets mad and cusses him out in front of everyone. ( I understand he was angry, but think he should get mad at him when he runs it out and not later because it caused a problem and not in front of people on his graduation day. But this is my ex nature.) Anyway, my brother text me at work on Monday and says my son is texting him. (My brother was in a band as a young man and smoked a lot of pot. Doesn't do anything now. My son knows this.) My son asks brother if he thinks he is a bad person. Brother tells him of course he doesn't think so. The talk last a good while. (Brother is at work). Son says Dad cussed him out over the truck. Son thinks Mom and Dad are eager to kick him out. My brother assures him he is loved and reiterates that he should have not have driven drunk. Son says that he just drove up the road from his cousin's house, that mom thought it was more but it wasn't. Brother told him that 18 was a hard age and that mom (me) had to get his attention some way in that you can't spank a man. Son says he can't believe I would say that he couldn't live here if we had one more incident. Son says, "I would be homeless." Brother tells him he made a mistake in coming home drunk. Son agrees. Brother tells him, your mom would love to have you home. Son says, I don't know, it really hurt my feelings that she would say that... Anyway son's Dad has bought him a car with the idea that son will pay him back. My ex says that he told him he would have to keep it up and if it didn't run, he couldn't go. Before all this, his car, and insurance was paid for. His car at my house is just sitting here. I don't agree with everything ex does but I know he want hand him things like I have always done. My brother thinks I should try to get him here because his my ex won't encourage him with education like I would. I told him I don't want to take away Dad's power at this point. ( Ex and I have never got along and my brother hates my Ex but supported him when talking to my son.) I briefly told my husband about this conversation. He seems uninterested and I feel like he is happy son is gone. This hurts my feelings. I somewhat see his point but wonder if he would be more interested if it were one of his girls. Anyway as it stands, I will not ask son to come home. I had told my ex he would have to pass a drug test more than once for me to give his car back. My brother thinks, I need to quit drawing such lines in the sand and just to discipline as issues arise. I told brother that my son is not afraid of me like his boys are of him and that makes this difficult. Husband is on the complete opposite side and says, " I think you should draw firm line in the sand." My brother also told son I didn't react that way because he smoked a little pot but because of the times during the day at which he was doing it appeared that it was a problem. Son says when he came back home me and his Dad made him feel like he was investigated all the time. Said he hadn't even been using any pot. Said we stared at him as if trying to see if he was high. Brother told him this would pass as we didn't see problems and incidents like the coming home drunk. I didn't tell son that brother told me everything he said. I think that particular day he was unhappy at Dad's. He told my brother he had turned down a job because his Dad wanted him to work for him ( this is true) and if Dad and I decided to kick him out he wouldn't even be able to afford income based housing. Brother assured him we wouldn't have him be homeless. All in all, brother gives me the impression he thinks I have gone to far. I told him about the stories I've read on here. He says well I quit using it. Brother told son he just had to follow the rules. That he did too at that age.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Im with your husband. A car is a guided mistle. When my daughter used drugs she was cut off from driving. Period. No drug user who drives drunk even for a few blocks should have a car, especially not bought and paid for and insured by you. He could kill himself or somebody else. I think its a very poor and dangerous, even irresponsible decision to allow it let alone encourage it.. why? Because we see them as poor little children instead of potentially lethal drivers?

    I have no understanding of parents that give their irresponsible, drug users vehicles. Dad saw how he did not care for or appreciate his truck.

    Son can walk, take public trans or ride a bike. His life will effectively be over if he harms or kills someone and is sued. Homicidal murder. 50% of all car accidents involve alcohol. No laughing matter. Two clean drug tests means nothing. Try two years completely sober and maybe him buying his own car and insurance. We made all our kids do this. Didnt kill them and all of them found ways to get to work even in cold Chicago and Wisconsin winters. Dont coddle him. He is a grown man, not a poor little boy of ten. Men his age are fighting in the military, succeeding in college, or sober and working hard full time. Your son is able bodied but wont do these things. Dont reward him.

    He feels bad you wont let him live at your home? Too bad. Maybe he should grow up and behave like other grown kids. I didnt want to live with my own daughter when she used so we made her leave. She quit! Today she is thriving and productive!

    Unless your brother wants to take him in, this reakly doesnt affect him...no e of his business. It affects you and husband, not him. Easy fir him to be soft about it. He doesnt have to deal with Son day to day

    I hope your son can get to a good place.i dont think he will do it as long as you dont stand strong and set strict boundaries. Ive been on this forum for a ling time. It seems most quit at least here after we finally stop feeling sorry for them and stop helping bad behavior. You will probably regret it if you chose difficult son over husband. He will be there for you. Son will not. And fact is, his girls are living normal lives. You dont know if he would tolerate them behaving like your son. They arent.

    Good luck. Are you in therapy?
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2017
  3. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    Swot,I'm not in therapy. He is working everyday with Dad. You would not be able to walk to work where we live. 25 minutes to town from my house and Dad's. I appreciate your reply. I was curious to see what you would say. Husband does have great girls. Again, I just raised mine the way I was raised. My other son is doing good. So I think it's just the kid sometimes. Although, I love him dearly. Truth is, I don't know that he is doing anything right now. I've only seen him 3 times since he left. I'm not ready to detach.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok. Do what you have to do. I dont feel 25 minutes is far, and I dont see anything good coming from difficult kids driving. But it is up to you.

    I hope you do serk help and dont ruin your marriage.
     
  5. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    I mean a 25 minute drive. Thanks SWOT. I don't plan to ruin my marriage. I haven't given him the car.