Grateful to be home

[AmericanGirl]

I went to get difficult child from the temporary apt. to the sober house. He graduated from rehab today with 99 days clean.

That's the end of the good news. He was rude and belligerent to me for almost 100% of the time. We met with the family therapist this morning. difficult child was so ugly that the therapist told him to go on to group and he would speak with me alone.

Therapist said difficult child was 'transferring' his anger to me. Lots of passive aggressive behavior. We both think difficult child is afraid cause he is moving from a private apartment into a sober house. Lots more oversight. While I can understand that, I am tired of being abused every time he is unhappy.

I do not believe difficult child has done laundry in the last 10 weeks. The apt was filthy. The sober house will do room checks 3 times a day - cannot leave without a 'buddy' for 30 days unless you go to work - required daily meetings and community service. That is exactly what he needs.

I cleaned the apartment because I couldn't do that to the lovely man who allowed us to have it. (difficult child would have no consequences if I didn't such as no deposit back, etc.)

difficult child signed release for sober house to contact me. I explained he had a history of revoking releases but that he had promised me he wouldn't not do so and I promised I would give them the big check I wrote. So...if he wants to play games with me, they know the deal up first.

difficult child has refused to do what he needs to get $200 in monthly food stamps. So, I gave him $100 in cash (plus he gets a small paycheck today) and told him I needed my credit card back. He wasn't happy about that but he must learn to live within HIS means, not MINE. He has a full tank of gas and a month's rent paid for.

Then, I drove 2 hours home while talking to Al-anon buddies and a few girlfriends. I will do what I need to do for me. I will not contact him at all for a while. It is time for him to grow up.

That's my update. Please send me any prayers an good wishes you can spare. Know I am doing the same for all here. I'm absolutely emotionally exhausted. difficult child has court next Tuesday plus the Tuesday after that so I must recharge.

I have one other rather big issue I'll post later because, if any of you have thoughts to share, I really need input. Thanks again...

 

[busywend]

Sending support and hugs your way! Just let it roll off your back. I know, not easy. Glad you had people to call on the way home.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Hi AG,
Welcome back. Your post is a great example of why it was so crucial for you to use this time your difficult child was away to get help and support for yourself. If you hadn't been going to meetings, etc., and expected difficult child to do the happy dance when he saw you, you would've been crushed. Good for you.

I probably would have cleaned the apartment too, out of respect for the landlord. Good luck with everything, try to recharge your battery in the meantime. Take care.

 

[pasajes4]

As many hugs and prayers as u need.

 

[exhausted]

I'm glad he is 99 days sober. Interesting that even though they are sober, it takes soooo long for the addict behaviors to stop-like blaming and directing their anger to the very people who love them enough to call them on their bull and help them get treatment. Those behaviors seem so stuck at times. He is probably still emotionally the age he was when all this began. Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for them to catch up?? We have pockets of great behavior and sobriety and pockets of absolute horrid insanity (because she is insane).
You are doing great, keep staying the course and take care of you-hard to do when there are times when our kids needs just get in the way. Of course you cleaned the apartment. It made you feel better and as you said saved him from nothing-not enabling in my book. ((Hugs))

 

[Nancy]

It took me aback when difficult child came out of treatment and her personality was the same. I don't know what I expected but I guess I expected her to be different. She was sober all right but her thinking was still messed up and she had not changed her love of risky behaviors or her attraction to bad boys or anything else that got her in trouble before. She still left her room a mess and lied and wasn't responsible. I know now that is why they strongly encourage going to sober hosues when they are released because it takes a long time to change behavior and just because they stop drinking/using doesn't mean they have incorporated sober living into their daily lives.

I'm so glad you took care of yourself on the ride back and didn't let his behavior throw you into a tailspin. I am proud that you have developed your own support group.

This is a critical time for him. He will have to step up to the plate. With more freedom comes more responsibility and more chance to put into action what he learned. Take care of yourself during this time AG. If you have not already done so read Everything Changes by Beverly Conyers. It is the sequel to Addict in the Family and deals with the family during the recovery period of their addict, when they leave rehab.

Glad to have you back home .

Nancy