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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 690207" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Thank you all for your kind replies and support. I fear I am a bit of a pariah, it's not that people haven't been kind or reached out, it is me too, there are times I just need to be with my thoughts. I am getting a bit better as time goes by. Hard to believe it has been two months since hubs entered the hospital.</p><p></p><p>This is so true, Cedar, it is too "in the face", awkward moments where we don't know what to say or don't want to say the wrong thing, I have been there many times.</p><p>No group yet. I am working on tying up loose ends. I don't have the corrected death certificate, can't do any business, okay well, I could but I am stubbornly refusing to issue out an official document with erroneous cause of death. It is taking forever to fix......</p><p> IB, I am moving in that direction, still busy with coaching, paddling, the kids keep me occupied. Son fell off his skateboard and needed stitches...it is like a whirlwind but I am in slow motion at times....We have to plan hubs celebration of life. We are having it at the beach, it is fitting. I think once that bridge is crossed, I will be able to move a bit more.</p><p>It is just so strange not having hubs here.</p><p>A surreal feeling.....pinch me and I will awaken from the nightmare.</p><p> I don't feel very courageous Ksm, you are very kind to write that. It is just that all of it went downhill so quickly, yet slowly. Does that make any sense? I have been scouring the web for information about hubs condition, is that morbid? I need answers to questions that may be unsolvable. I want to know why the doctors didn't do what they said they would do when they said they would, why there were so many different opinions, why they didn't do more to keep hubs comfortable, why he had to suffer so. Maybe it is that old retrospect working......I don't know. It's just that it seems like so much was missed.</p><p>I hope I get some more clarity with the medical and autopsy report. Talking with my daughters, they feel the same way, all along the docs were saying that hubs was strong and they felt he would pull through. I guess in the end all, one just never knows.</p><p></p><p>Yes, RN, time and unforeseen circumstances can befall any of us.</p><p> Thank you Pasa. It is a grieving of a different sort. I have been grieving my two forever it seems, all the while trying to carry on and make some sense of it. Tornado is trying to make small changes, but Rain is another story. I hope this loss may help them think more of what they make of their lives, but for Rain caught in the grip of meth, it seems it will take a long time for her to find herself.</p><p> Thank you so much Nature. I know you are so busy helping with your sis and mom, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I will be okay because I have to. When I reach points where I feel I am being pulled into the emptiness, I struggle to swim up. It is all so new and raw. Like a gaping wound at times. Then there is this numbness. I have to learn all over again how to be.....how to muster up the chutzpah to keep going through this tunnel, turn the headlights on and see through the fog of it.</p><p>I am grateful for my children who are supportive and kind, they have been my backbone. We keep each other going.</p><p>Then there are my two. Up and down. Here and there I have seen Rain, she is in her own world.</p><p>I have been reading posts and marveling at all of our warrior parents who have gone through so much with d cs. Each of us on our own path.</p><p>I suppose I am at the point where I just need peace. The turmoil we have gone through on the journey took its toll on hubs and I. Coming to terms with that and how it affected our lives and relationship is part of this grieving process.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p><p> I think you are spot on Pigless. It is too much for others. Maybe similar to our situation here, where we have found this safe place to write out the unspeakable, we know there is no judgement because parents that have come here to find respite understand the woes of others trying to untangle the web our d cs weave. When I am ready, I will search.</p><p>I think part of my angst is the time lost between us while I was trying to work through the pain of losing my two. Hubs simply could not talk about it. I realize now that it was too painful for him, that he buried himself in work. Copa mentioned in her post to me that hubs lived as he wanted, which is true, worked up to the end. It was his way of showing love for his family, providing. He was not a talker, he was a doer. I think oft times, people misunderstand people like hubs, quiet and pensive. In the months preceding hubs illness, there were changes in him that looking back were telltale signs. He was more reclusive and tired, was talking about finances and his desire to provide something for his children. He was pushing me away at the same time. I could see that he was not feeling well, not himself. I struggled with it, felt lonesome and bereft. I think instinctively he was trying to prepare me. The most difficult part in all of this is that we did not say farewell to one another. Maybe that is because one day, we will see one another again.</p><p>I have my work cut out for me, to get through the many emotions flowing through me, and to remember the good times. In my grief at his passing, I held his hand and sobbed uncontrollably and told him how much I loved him and that I know he didn't mean to distance himself. I know in his own way, he loved me too. I miss him terribly, as do his children.</p><p>So, we shall have to learn a whole different way of living. We shall have to remember the times we had when hubs was here, and also that he would expect us to carry on together and live with strength and dignity.</p><p>Life is precious.</p><p>I cherish my life with him.</p><p>Thank you all so very much for your understanding and your heartfelt words.</p><p>I am truly blessed to be able to have your support.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 690207, member: 19522"] Thank you all for your kind replies and support. I fear I am a bit of a pariah, it's not that people haven't been kind or reached out, it is me too, there are times I just need to be with my thoughts. I am getting a bit better as time goes by. Hard to believe it has been two months since hubs entered the hospital. This is so true, Cedar, it is too "in the face", awkward moments where we don't know what to say or don't want to say the wrong thing, I have been there many times. No group yet. I am working on tying up loose ends. I don't have the corrected death certificate, can't do any business, okay well, I could but I am stubbornly refusing to issue out an official document with erroneous cause of death. It is taking forever to fix...... IB, I am moving in that direction, still busy with coaching, paddling, the kids keep me occupied. Son fell off his skateboard and needed stitches...it is like a whirlwind but I am in slow motion at times....We have to plan hubs celebration of life. We are having it at the beach, it is fitting. I think once that bridge is crossed, I will be able to move a bit more. It is just so strange not having hubs here. A surreal feeling.....pinch me and I will awaken from the nightmare. I don't feel very courageous Ksm, you are very kind to write that. It is just that all of it went downhill so quickly, yet slowly. Does that make any sense? I have been scouring the web for information about hubs condition, is that morbid? I need answers to questions that may be unsolvable. I want to know why the doctors didn't do what they said they would do when they said they would, why there were so many different opinions, why they didn't do more to keep hubs comfortable, why he had to suffer so. Maybe it is that old retrospect working......I don't know. It's just that it seems like so much was missed. I hope I get some more clarity with the medical and autopsy report. Talking with my daughters, they feel the same way, all along the docs were saying that hubs was strong and they felt he would pull through. I guess in the end all, one just never knows. Yes, RN, time and unforeseen circumstances can befall any of us. Thank you Pasa. It is a grieving of a different sort. I have been grieving my two forever it seems, all the while trying to carry on and make some sense of it. Tornado is trying to make small changes, but Rain is another story. I hope this loss may help them think more of what they make of their lives, but for Rain caught in the grip of meth, it seems it will take a long time for her to find herself. Thank you so much Nature. I know you are so busy helping with your sis and mom, thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I will be okay because I have to. When I reach points where I feel I am being pulled into the emptiness, I struggle to swim up. It is all so new and raw. Like a gaping wound at times. Then there is this numbness. I have to learn all over again how to be.....how to muster up the chutzpah to keep going through this tunnel, turn the headlights on and see through the fog of it. I am grateful for my children who are supportive and kind, they have been my backbone. We keep each other going. Then there are my two. Up and down. Here and there I have seen Rain, she is in her own world. I have been reading posts and marveling at all of our warrior parents who have gone through so much with d cs. Each of us on our own path. I suppose I am at the point where I just need peace. The turmoil we have gone through on the journey took its toll on hubs and I. Coming to terms with that and how it affected our lives and relationship is part of this grieving process. :hugs: I think you are spot on Pigless. It is too much for others. Maybe similar to our situation here, where we have found this safe place to write out the unspeakable, we know there is no judgement because parents that have come here to find respite understand the woes of others trying to untangle the web our d cs weave. When I am ready, I will search. I think part of my angst is the time lost between us while I was trying to work through the pain of losing my two. Hubs simply could not talk about it. I realize now that it was too painful for him, that he buried himself in work. Copa mentioned in her post to me that hubs lived as he wanted, which is true, worked up to the end. It was his way of showing love for his family, providing. He was not a talker, he was a doer. I think oft times, people misunderstand people like hubs, quiet and pensive. In the months preceding hubs illness, there were changes in him that looking back were telltale signs. He was more reclusive and tired, was talking about finances and his desire to provide something for his children. He was pushing me away at the same time. I could see that he was not feeling well, not himself. I struggled with it, felt lonesome and bereft. I think instinctively he was trying to prepare me. The most difficult part in all of this is that we did not say farewell to one another. Maybe that is because one day, we will see one another again. I have my work cut out for me, to get through the many emotions flowing through me, and to remember the good times. In my grief at his passing, I held his hand and sobbed uncontrollably and told him how much I loved him and that I know he didn't mean to distance himself. I know in his own way, he loved me too. I miss him terribly, as do his children. So, we shall have to learn a whole different way of living. We shall have to remember the times we had when hubs was here, and also that he would expect us to carry on together and live with strength and dignity. Life is precious. I cherish my life with him. Thank you all so very much for your understanding and your heartfelt words. I am truly blessed to be able to have your support. (((HUGS))) Leaf [/QUOTE]
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