grieving loss of future dreams...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by change, May 10, 2008.

  1. change

    change New Member

    Hi Everyone,

    I'm really down today. My daughter is suspended for 3 days because she typed in the word porn on a computer at school while she was supposed to be researching. She was already on thin ice for a variety of escalating things over the past couple of weeks. She stole somone's purse the Friday before, stole the girl's i-pod and cell phone, and when the cell phone ran out of charge, stole another. She is kicked out of that school. The principal is being much more considerate of the situation but her hands are tied as far as consequences so she might get sent to an alternative school because she had an ARD some weeks ago and no label was put on her yet. (She's not special-ed.) Anyway, I told my husband, I don't want to celebrate a single thing tomorrow. I called my mom last night and told her what was going on and that I would celebrate her but that was it. She understood. We had so many hopes and dreams for this girl and she really is self-destroying before our eyes the same way our son did so many years ago. We can't help someone who doesn't want help. Even one of her therapists told me to stop bailing her out and let the natural consequences happen. It's just sad. She's at an elite school but now kicked out. She's also at an elite fine arts academy (top 10 in US) but I'm going to ask for a doctor's note for a refund for the summer program. She won't be able to get back in. It's audition only and not the kind of training you can just quit and then pick up years later. My husband is so sad about it but he's not the one who takes her there and has had to see how abnormal she is behaving compared to everyone now. I hope everyone else is having a much better Mother's Day Weekend than I am. I'm heartbroken.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm really sorry- this sounds like a horrible weekend for you. Many of us here- or I guess all- have had the grief periods of losing the child we thought we had. It is very painful- but I guess it allows us to start accepting the reality of what we are dealing with and then try to get help for our family.

    Has your daughter ever been tested? I understand your post to mean that she doesn't have an IEP or a learning disability, like dyslexia, but clearly something is going on with her. Sometimes, even emotional distress can cause other cognitive issues, and it definitely effects our ability to make sound decisions. This just sounds like you daughter is making self-destructive decisions (ie, she continues to dig herself in deeper). If she has been evaluated by a psycholoogist and psychiatrist already, I would get a second opinion. I think the problem is deeper than something I would want a social worker evaluating. (I don't know what credential your therapist has- so I'm just throwing my 2 cents out)

    I hope thiings go better today and tomorrow. Hang in there- you are a good mother or you wouldn't be hurting from caring so much right now.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Change, so sorry it's such a crummy Mother's Day weekend for you. At least you still get to honor your mother.
    You've got you hands full with-your adopted kids, and since I don't know their complete histories, I'm going to take a guess that a lot of this issues are way beyond just normal parenting.
    Try to take comfort in the memories you have that please you.
    I agree that you need to let natural consequences happen.
    Good luck.
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    "Grieving loss of future dreams!" Exactly how we all feel when our kids are proving not to be what we know they can be if only. My heart is crying with you. My easy child has the world available to her - more windows/doors than almost all her friends and is turning her back on it. I feel we give them so much and everything is thrown back in our faces as not good enough.

    I also worked for a doctor that I had so much respect for. He is an awesome person. He and his wife wanted the best for their kids (like all parents should) His 13 yr old son killed a girl in the family day care and just destroyed him. It broke my heart just watching his world fall apart. How can such great people have kids who do such horrid things? It just doesn't make sense.

    Kids really are their own beings and we can't do much more than try our best. It hurts so deeply when our efforts do not lead them to where they can have a good life because they are rejecting our input.

    All you can do is continue with what you feel is right. Come here and vent whenever needed. We will cry with you and hopefully you will find threads to make you laugh because laughter will also release some icky feelings.
  5. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member

    I am so sorry for your hurting heart.

    I really really really (I could type really a millon more times and it would be an understatement) believed that I would have perfect (could type perfect two million times) children. My husband and I are very high achievers, very successful, have lots of friends........

    So, when I got pregnant I did everything right...slept well, exercized, took prenatal vitamins before I got pregnant (you got the picture!) I did everything "by the book".

    Oh yeah...let's talk about books and magazines!! I read them ALL! I even cut out articles that applied to future things and saved them.

    Yes, I was going to have PERFECT children!!! Smart, cute, well behaved, good at sports (my husband played professional football)....

    Guess what I found out....almost from the time they were both a few days old.....they are their only little people, with their own genetic makeup and they are far from perfect!

    It took me until a few years ago to let go of the "what did I do" "why me" "why them" and celebrate just who they are. They are my children and i am their mom! I do the best I can everyday to help them and they decide what they want to listen to and what they do not! I have told them both they are in control of their life. I am here to give them directional advise and they make the decisions where to go.

    I HAVE SPENT MANY DAYS AND NIGHTS CRYING AND CRYING. This year I have resolved no to wallow in what is wrong but focus on what is right. Even if that is ONLY one thing.

    For this Mother's Day (and every day going forward) I wish you peace in your heart. You and husband are wonderful people to have opened your hearts and homes to your two children. It sounds like you are a GREAT parent and love them with all your heart. The only way for your heart to hurt is if you care!

    Our lives are so complicated and challenged compared to many others....and so blessed compared to some others. I wish I knew why...

    I know this is a little pollyannyish...but I have felt much better since I have adopted this attitude.

    Peace and Love to you...HUGS
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    It is okay to mourn that which we cannot have. I know I did. I had such dreams for my beautiful, wonderful, smart daughter. She didn't destroy those dreams all at once, just one at a time until they were all smashed. She taught me that my dreams were not hers and I had to accept her as she was, not as how I wanted her to be.

    In middle school, it was a small miracle if she didn't steal something from someone daily. Today, she'd rather cut off her right hand than take someone else's things. Not because it is wrong but because it would upset them. Lying was a second-by-second thing. Today, she doesn't lie. Again, not because it is wrong but because she can't keep the lies straight. She HATED school. At 18 she quit. I cried many nights about the fact she had thrown her future away. Today, she is a valued waitress at Applebee's. Her co-workers and regulars love her. She made employee of the month this month. She's sharing an apartment with a nice young man (they're friends, nothing more).

    So, my dreams of college are out the window. She is happy, content with her life and not behaving in criminal activity. That, for now, is more than enough. Sometimes we really do have to just change the dream, not totally give up.

    So, mourn the loss of your dreams but don't give up on having them. I remember hating mother's day because I felt I had failed so badly. I don't know if my daughter will get up in time to have breakfast with me but I do know I love her and she is cherished. No matter what, I'll find a way to celebrate that tomorrow -- with or without her. I hope you can find a way to enjoy being mother again. I do understand your pain. Sometimes, though, we get lucky and things to get better.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Change, I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. It's so hard to let go of what we wanted for our children. I'm still working on accepting that my dreams for Miss KT are in ashes, and there's nothing I can do about it. Which is very difficult for me to take, because I'm the manager, I'm the one who makes it all work and I'm darn good at it, but having a difficult child has brought me to my knees. There are many days when I feel that having a child was the worst day's work I ever did, other days when I think we should have another one (and I'm 45) because maybe I could do a better job the next time since I failed so badly with Miss KT, and still other days when I just pray I can hold on till she's 18. There are good days, but unfortunately they are few and far between.

    Many many hugs to you. I know how you feel.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh hun...I can just feel the hurt in your post. I have a feeling most of us have had our dreams for those tiny babies we held long ago dashed into a million pieces. But I do want to give you some encouragement. I could have been your child...or most of the kids on this board. I spanned the board in my difficult child activities until I was a young adult. Oh yeah, I stole, was rebellious, promiscuous, defiant...etc. I am sure that my parents had dreams of me graduating high school, going off to a prestigious university (I got a 1350 on my SAT), marrying a nice man, buying a nice house and having 2.5 kids and a dog.
    I couldnt see those dreams for me until it was far too late. I had 3 kids by two different guys...and only married the first one because I was scared. That didnt work out too I did end up meeting the guy I live with now...father to my last two kids...when I was 21. I ended up getting my GED and going to college in my 20s. I never had that lovely wedding most parents dream of seeing.

    But you know what, I have accomplished a lot even though I messed up early on. I am disabled now but I had a career I really loved. I have raised my kids to the best of my ability. My kids all adore me. I have two grand daughters who are the apple's of my eye. I do think I made some dreams come true. Maybe they werent the ones my parents imagined but maybe these dreams were more realistic for me. I will always have problems and limitations because of my mental and physical problems but that is ok.

    Sometimes we just have to look to the child to mature a bit and see what dreams they can make for themselves.
  9. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Oh I am crying along with you!!!!!!!!! I don't know that it ever goes away. I think in the end it is the worst feeling I have about difficult child. It is a daily mourning of what I know will not be. All those things I wanted for difficult child and for me too, that seem to crumble before my eyes each day. But MB said it best - the dreams we started with for our difficult child's may not come to pass, but there are other dreams that will take the place of the others. We get to rejoice in the small accomplishments that most mom's take for granted. Don't shun mother's day - celebrate. Celebrate the fact that we hang in there day after day, are very strong warrior women, and for better or worse - we can take pleasure in the small things that go well and trudge through those days where we think things can't get any worse. We are strong because we have to be for them - embrace the strength you have and scream from the roof tops. We are like big "weebles" (I'm dating myself) We may wobble but we don't fall down. If that's not something to celebrate I don't know what is. Hang in there!! Sending huge mother's day (((((HUGS)))))
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    the dreams we started with for our difficult child's may not come to pass, but there are other dreams that will take the place of the others. We get to rejoice in the small accomplishments that most mom's take for granted.

    I'll second that.
  11. change

    change New Member

    Thanks everyone for your comforting words. It really helps to hear some of the stories that are so similar to ours. However, I hate that anyone else is suffering or has suffered the same way. I spent the day with my parents. My husband went to see his parents. My daughter went with me. She didn't even wish me Happy Moher's Day all day. Of course, she has yet to apologize or explain her actions the past couple of weeks. She barely admits them. My parents and in-laws are as heartbroken as we are. I AM realistic about new goals and do hope for even a "normal" existence in the future but I tell you that right now it looks so bleak that I can't even see her ever holding down even a fast-food place job. It's bad. Just as "tryinghard" said, I never imagined my life like this. I'm not asking for a super kid though...normal would be super to me. At this point, I'd settle for her not doing all of the law-breaking activity that got her kicked out of school.