Grounding?

[DS3]

For a difficult child with ADHD and possible other disorders, what would you consider to be a good grounding practice? What age would you start? How would you enforce it? Would you even bother with grounding an ADHD child?

This is as general inquiry for knowledge sake. Throw out some examples with ages/grounding from, etc.

Any experiences appreciated.

 

[keista]

It really depends on the infraction. Think like an IEP. If it's directly related to the ADHD, then it'll be really tough to teach a lesson through grounding. Natural consequences should prevail. If it's unrelated to the ADHD, then grounding can begin at any age. I started at 2. Grounding was taking certain toys away for a day or two. At about 4 it was loss of TV or computer privileges. As they got older, it's not getting to play with friends.

 

[Chaosuncontained]

I tried grounding Carson. I've tried everything. Nothing ever seems to "work" though. Carson just recently called one of his teachers a bad name (a "b*tch"). While I KNOW he can't do that...I also know that she asked him to do something that he *felt* he couldn't do. She then threatened him with OCS. So he muttered under his breath and was overheard by another student. He recieved 2 days of OCS. That was his punishement. We talked about what hapenned when he came home. He told me he was angry with himself or "losing control".


Sometimes I take computer time away. Or TV time. Sometimes telling him he has to go sit on his bed for a few minutes causes him to WAY over react...but it gives him time to cool off and regain control.

It really depends on WHAT he did. If at school--I let their disipline be the disipline. If at home I have to take in to account what he did. and what was his motivation for his behavior... a 6 year old brother yelling in his face or pushing buttons is handled differently than, say, Carson yelling at his sister for being on the computer "too long".

It's very hard for me to to come to grips with the fact that some of his behavior he really can't help--his impulse control is minimal. It really WOULD be good if they came with intructions, wouldn't it?

 

[buddy]

It really depends on the infraction. Think like an IEP. If it's directly related to the ADHD, then it'll be really tough to teach a lesson through grounding. Natural consequences should prevail. If it's unrelated to the ADHD, then grounding can begin at any age. I started at 2. Grounding was taking certain toys away for a day or two. At about 4 it was loss of TV or computer privileges. As they got older, it's not getting to play with friends.

Same here. I now use parts of times if it is too much for them to lose ALL of something. So he may have a 15 minute delay then he can watch races or he has to show me for 30 minutes in the house that he can follow rules, then he can try outside.

 

[JJJ]

Consequences including grouding are only beneficial if the child

1. Understands what behavior is expected.
2. Has the skills necessary to perform the behavior.

So, my kids can and have been grounded but only when I am sure that they truly understood what behavior they should have done (or not have done) and that they were capable, at that moment, of executing the behavior. Sometimes they would be capable of the behavior in some calmer environments but not the more chaotic environments. I usually use grounding when I think they could benefit from some downtime.

I really wish when my boys were pre-schoolers that I would have slowed eveything down and spent more time teaching the steps of expected behavior. I didn't really get that they didn't know HOW to behave instead of just not behaving.

 

[KTMom91]

Grounding didn't work for us too well until Miss KT actually had friends to be grounded from seeing, which was about junior high. TV was no big deal; we only had one, and I just didn't watch until after she went to bed. Computer - again, I couldn't afford to have one. At 6, I pretty much just sent her to her room...or dragged her there, kicking and screaming...over and over and over again...

 

[InsaneCdn]

Grounding never worked for us. Still doesn't. (Might have some impact when the kids get wheels, but until then...)
To me, it just isn't a "logical consequence".
If I can't explain to the kid the link between the behavior and the consequence, then it just doesn't work.

Logical consequences...
- if you break a toy, then you can't play with it
- if you break somebody else's toy, then they can't play with it - so you have to replace it
- if you eat half the cake I just baked, then you don't get any more until the rest of us have had as much each... and that's on TOP of getting sick from eating too much cake (if that happens)

Time-out is not a grounding. Its recognition of a kid out of control, and providing a safe environment in which to get back under control... for extreme rages, its difficult to define "safe"... ideally it would be a padded cell but we're not allowed to build those at home!

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I think you see from the myriad of replies that difficult children are "no one size fits all" - much more so than our typical kids.

Your children are so very young, that this is something you don't need to worry about for years! In our situation, especially when difficult child was younger, here's how it worked in our house:

1. Infractions at school were handled at school and not "reconsequenced" at home.
2. There was one exception to that rule - invading the space of someone else - translation - putting any part of his body on another - kicking, poking, etc. (part of the motivation for this was to do my best to head off any future physicality when he got older). This infraction meant everything that had an "on/off" switch was off limits for however long I felt the infraction warranted.

difficult child doesn't really, oh don't jinx this board, need that kind of punishment anymore because he's not physical like he used to be - nor does he really disobey the rules.

Additionally, part of what my difficult child deals with is social. He has a tough enough time making friends that I've never taken away social aspects of his life by grounding. Not that he has a busy social life.....

I agree with the others - what works for your difficult child is what is best. Many of our difficult children don't really understand the consequence issue. I started telling my difficult child when he was in kindergarten that he had the control over himself. It was like riding a bike. If he peddled faster, the bike would go faster - if he turned the handle bars right, the bike would go right. It's the same with life. You have the control. He probably heard me say that a thousand times - but eventually it did sink in.

Today I just say, "remember, for every action there is a reaction just like for every non-action there is a reaction - both positive and negative" He needs the reminder......

Sharon

 

[Malika]

Sharon, you should come and be my mentor for a week or so... How do you fancy a holiday in the south of France?! I'm really not good at the slow and steady approach that you describe as having ultimately been successful with your son. Sometimes I feel as emotional and impulsive as he is... It sounds as though your patience and wisdom have paid off in the end...

 

[DS3]

I think you see from the myriad of replies that difficult children are "no one size fits all" - much more so than our typical kids.

Your children are so very young, that this is something you don't need to worry about for years! In our situation, especially when difficult child was younger, here's how it worked in our house:

1. Infractions at school were handled at school and not "reconsequenced" at home.
2. There was one exception to that rule - invading the space of someone else - translation - putting any part of his body on another - kicking, poking, etc. (part of the motivation for this was to do my best to head off any future physicality when he got older). This infraction meant everything that had an "on/off" switch was off limits for however long I felt the infraction warranted.

difficult child doesn't really, oh don't jinx this board, need that kind of punishment anymore because he's not physical like he used to be - nor does he really disobey the rules.

Additionally, part of what my difficult child deals with is social. He has a tough enough time making friends that I've never taken away social aspects of his life by grounding. Not that he has a busy social life.....

I agree with the others - what works for your difficult child is what is best. Many of our difficult children don't really understand the consequence issue. I started telling my difficult child when he was in kindergarten that he had the control over himself. It was like riding a bike. If he peddled faster, the bike would go faster - if he turned the handle bars right, the bike would go right. It's the same with life. You have the control. He probably heard me say that a thousand times - but eventually it did sink in.

Today I just say, "remember, for every action there is a reaction just like for every non-action there is a reaction - both positive and negative" He needs the reminder......

Sharon

The inquiry isn't for me, although I have found the replies interesting. It's for a friend.

 

[buddy]

Oh my gosh, you guys should write a book.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Malika,

You paying for the airfare?!

But seriously, it was a total life change for me when my difficult child first began to have serious issues at school. Life in our house totally changed. Things became much more scheduled and structured because that is what he needed to move forward. I pretty much gave up my evenings to attend difficult child's needs for several years. But I will tell you, it got better and he's almost a different kid. It took patience, sacrifice, tons of support from the board, tons of time at school and doctor appointments, research, giving up most of my volunteer efforts and board positions at my church, money, and some real work on his part. But things did get better. It was worth it to try and giving him a fighting chance for success. But, the work never really ends.....

Sharon

 

[AnnieO]

Grounding also has another aspect - if it actually WORKS.

Ground Onyxx? She'll find something else to do that you don't want her to. No TV? She'll swipe Jett's ____ (insert item here... cards, sports gear, clothing...) No computer? She'll swipe someone else's. House arrest was a nightmare for us.

Ground Jett? He mopes... And then plays with the stuff that doesn't require electricity. And forgets he's grounded, and goes and turns on whatever he's not allowed to have. Yeah, I've had to remove the entire television set.

When I was 13 or 14, I got grounded, don't remember what for now. I was allowed music, but no TV. To this day, I'm not a big TV-watcher. If they'd grounded me from books, I'd have died.