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Parent Emeritus
Grown childeren who never grow up...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 669328" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Red Alert, welcome to the forum.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry about your daughter and especially for the length of time you have had to endure the pain of watching her life as it is. </p><p></p><p>I'm glad you have stopped providing for her...because if not now, then when? At age 67, it's time for you to live your life, not support your grown children. </p><p></p><p>I remember one person on this forum who wrote that she is 80 years old and her 60-ish son still sleeps on her couch. I don't know about you, but I'm not doing that. </p><p></p><p>It's hard to let go of people we love. You ask how to cope with this. I believe the only way is to set boundaries about phone calls, visits, texts, social media messages---in other words, all communication. If it drives you crazy to hear the details (and it would drive me crazy too), then don't put yourself in a position to hear the details.</p><p></p><p>By this I mean, don't be available for all of the phone calls, texts and visits. Let calls go to your voice mail. Don't respond to all of the texts. Limit when you see her and you might consider seeing her away from your house for coffee or lunch or just to sit in the car for 10 minutes.</p><p></p><p>At the very worst times with my son, that is what I did. I honestly didn't want to know much about his daily life because to know about it engaged me in it, at least mentally and emotionally. Even if I refused to do anything, I still worried and thought and laid awake at night rehashing bits and pieces of what he would tell me, posing questions I never asked him and the worst scenarios. Why? To what end? None of that energy I spent did anybody any good, and I was miserable, so over time, I learned to set those boundaries so I didn't know.</p><p></p><p>All I need to know, every few days or weeks (he was homeless) was that he was alive. It got down to that.</p><p></p><p>I think we have to get to a point when we care about ourselves and we value our own lives and we want peace. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like you are there. Boundaries doesn't mean cutting her off and never speaking to her or being mad at her. It just means not being available all the time. </p><p></p><p>I would recommend a really good and practical book to you called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It has helped me in so many areas of my life, and is a very practical guide to developing healthy boundaries with all relationships.</p><p></p><p>We are glad you are here. We get it and we care. We know how hard this is. Warm hugs tonight.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 669328, member: 17542"] Red Alert, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry about your daughter and especially for the length of time you have had to endure the pain of watching her life as it is. I'm glad you have stopped providing for her...because if not now, then when? At age 67, it's time for you to live your life, not support your grown children. I remember one person on this forum who wrote that she is 80 years old and her 60-ish son still sleeps on her couch. I don't know about you, but I'm not doing that. It's hard to let go of people we love. You ask how to cope with this. I believe the only way is to set boundaries about phone calls, visits, texts, social media messages---in other words, all communication. If it drives you crazy to hear the details (and it would drive me crazy too), then don't put yourself in a position to hear the details. By this I mean, don't be available for all of the phone calls, texts and visits. Let calls go to your voice mail. Don't respond to all of the texts. Limit when you see her and you might consider seeing her away from your house for coffee or lunch or just to sit in the car for 10 minutes. At the very worst times with my son, that is what I did. I honestly didn't want to know much about his daily life because to know about it engaged me in it, at least mentally and emotionally. Even if I refused to do anything, I still worried and thought and laid awake at night rehashing bits and pieces of what he would tell me, posing questions I never asked him and the worst scenarios. Why? To what end? None of that energy I spent did anybody any good, and I was miserable, so over time, I learned to set those boundaries so I didn't know. All I need to know, every few days or weeks (he was homeless) was that he was alive. It got down to that. I think we have to get to a point when we care about ourselves and we value our own lives and we want peace. It sounds like you are there. Boundaries doesn't mean cutting her off and never speaking to her or being mad at her. It just means not being available all the time. I would recommend a really good and practical book to you called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It has helped me in so many areas of my life, and is a very practical guide to developing healthy boundaries with all relationships. We are glad you are here. We get it and we care. We know how hard this is. Warm hugs tonight. [/QUOTE]
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