guardians in will

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by idohope, Mar 8, 2011.

  1. idohope

    idohope Member


    husband and I have never created a will even though we know it is something we really should do. I just dont know who I would ask to take the kids if something happened to both of us. When easy child 1 was born we talked to a relative about being a guardian if the worst happened. But we never put it in writing and many years and two more kids later we agree that initial choice is not what we want. There is another relative and their spouse that we had agree to ask if they would be the guardians with but they already have kids and I know that even if they agreed if it ever happened difficult child could destroy their family. My mom is the only person who can really handle difficult child but my Dad can not do it at his age and although they might be fine now even my Mom could not handle difficult child thru high school because of the age she would be at that point.

    What do you do with a difficult child in this case? Obviously I hope this is something that never has to happen but I still want to have something in writing in case it does.

    I welcome any thoughts/input.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Geeze. THAT is a GOOD QUESTION.

    Cause I have NO EARTHLY IDEA who we'd name for ours, either... As it stands, the kids would likely go back to bio mom, Onyxx would take Jett and run, all heck would break loose, she'd be arrested, Jett would go back to bio mom... Eeeee. And that's only if something happened to husband.

    We need to make a will, too...
  3. jal

    jal Member

    husband and I had our wills done when difficult child was around 4 months old as I used to travel a lot for my job and it was after 9/11. My parents are named as difficult child's guardians. This was before we found out we had a difficult child. Surprisingly my parents have not asked us to change our wills. HAHA. Tough question though and good food for thought.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    This is nothing to be taken lightly - and I'm not kidding at all -

    I had never met Janet (damitjanet) here on the board, but had ANYTHING EVER happened to me? (loads of history) the ONLY person that I thought could EVER handle Dude? Was her. Not kidding. My family? Oh no way. My Mom and Dad were both Authoritarians, not Nazi - but very very strict. My X - Satan incarnate and my Xmil? She was the definition of enabler. Her own children literally killed her and they all covered it up, so in the end she got what she raised them to be -thus none of them were stable enough to take him. My sister? Looooong story. Foster care was ridiculous and there was no other family on my side.

    DF? His family are nice, realistic farm people and while I'm sure they would have offered? Dude wouldn't have fit. So Janet and Tony were my pick. I met her here, never to this day have I met her in person, but I met her kids and I love them, and yup - Dude would have fit in like a brother. Janet however while strong would no doubt be in the nut hut. Raising Cory AND Dude only 3 years younger? Not sure if you get permission to come down from heaven when you give someone a 'gift' like that? But God surely would have HAD to have made a special provisionary ghost allowance. lol.

    No one else would have ever understood him. Maybe slsh - but other than them at that time? No...way.
  5. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    We have pretty much the same dilemma and really need to revisit the issue and revise our will.

    Our earlier solution was to ask our twins' godparents to be the guardians. It was a verbal understanding that this might be a temporary arrangement while they found a better placement if needed.

    In the interim, the godfather has died unexpectedly and his wife has gotten older. We are at the point where she is clearly no longer a workable choice for our difficult child 2 and maybe not even for easy child/difficult child 3.

    And wife and I do not necessarily see eye-to-eye on this issue.

    I want us to ask one of her brothers to agree to be guardians even though it would not be a "perfect" solution. He is a bachelor but is a nice guy and has MS so he gets to some extent difficult child 2's autoimmune health issues.

    She has another brother who has raised 3 difficult child's and 1 easy child. One difficult child is dead due to a car accident which was really sad since he finally seemed to be getting himself together. The other 2 difficult child's are in and out of their lives. It's the grandchildren that they're actually connected to rather than the difficult child's. Anyway we talked seriously about asking them but felt like they had done their time already plus we think her brother's rather confrontational approach would not work with difficult child 2.

    But we really do need to change it and there is no one else.

    I guess I figure that, though I would like for it to be different, if we both died our kids are likely to have a rough time and be bounced around so we had better not die. I would not be surprised if difficult child 2 ended up in a group home - which actually might be a good place for him that we can't get now.

    Sorry for rambling. It is a really tough question but I do think it's better to try to at least find someone in/out of the family who you can talk to frankly about the issue and see if they would be willing to serve at least as temporary guardian.

  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tony and I would have handled Dude. Our motto has always been...we leave the light on and heck, whats one more? lol. I actually did take in a board members son for several months years ago when she needed emergency care for him. I dont know that I am as up for it today as I was then because my kids were still teens so I actually had kids his age to hang with. Now Im much older and more decrepit. LOL. My almost 5 year old wears me out.

    Tony and I struggled with the guardian thing when the boys were little. Obviously since the youngest two were ours biologically and Billy was mine with sole custody and his dad was nowhere to be found, there wasnt anyone. My mom would have taken Billy in a heartbeat but she wouldnt have touched the other two with a ten foot pole. My dad was a great Papa but he wasnt a hands on Papa. Especially with my stepmom in the picture. She isnt even one to have her own grandkids spend the night over at her house. She isnt me...she wouldnt have kids running around and jumping on the beds and laughing with sheer glee. Nope...not I love

    I couldnt think of anyone. I knew none of Tony's brothers or sister would take the boys and actually get them mental health treatment because they didnt believe in it. They thought we were nuts for drugging our boys. So no go there. I thought about asking Pats dtr but we just werent that close.

    So Tony and I just decided it wasnt an option to die. We had to live until the kids were grown. Simple as that. And we did. We both had scares quite soon after they were Tony had a small stroke in 07 and I had pneumococal meningitis in 08 but we both managed to recover.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    We have had huge issues with this also. There really isn't anyone. My husband will not even discuss the issue. We have had 3 discussions in our relationship on this topic and tehy all ended with him stonewalling and refusing to even admit the issue exists. I finally put my thoughts and wishes in writing using a form I found and let it go at that. It has been a real sticking point - one of the only issues we just could not work out together.

    Dying isn't an option for us either, or so it seems right now. Cause otherwise it would all be a big mess.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Its sad when you look at each other and just say...well...we just cant die then can we? LOL.