Guess he doesn't think he's hurt me enough

KFld

New Member
Abbey, if saying what you feel is going to cost you a relationship, then it doesn't sound like it's a good one. This is something I am learning about my marriage. There were so many many things I kept my mouth shut about and didn't deal with properly, so I became more and more resentful and angry, but didn't know what to do with those feelings. This is a huge huge thing for me to overcome, saying how I feel, but each time I do it, I feel good.
 

busywend

Well-Known Member
Karen, you can not walk away from him if you have something to say. That is the point. Say it and move on. For sure limit the contact, but if you have to see or speak to him, be sure to say whatever it is you are feeling or thinking at that time. It would be so easy to walk away & avoid him - that is why you have done it for years.

I, too, am guilty of this. Stuffing my feelings for the good of everyone but myself. I just want everyone to be happy. And if they are happy - I am. Truly it does make me happy to see the people I love happy. But, not at the expense of my own happiness. Fortunately, I do not think that has happened yet. But, I can see how that could spiral out of control.
 

KFld

New Member
busywend, Unfortunatley that is exactly what I am finding out about myself, that I have spent many years trying to keep him happy at my own expense. It was just so much easier to keep it all inside, instead of what I saw as making a big deal out of things and then listening to the negative comments like he was a little kid who's mother wasn't allowing him to do something. For instance, he would go out and drink to much and stay out to late and when I would speak up, he in turn would tell people that he wasn't allowed out, or he couldn't drink vodka because his wife wouldn't allow him to. It became easier to just keep my mouth shut and not say anything when he stayed out late, or drove home drunk and couldn't work for days because he would have vertigo from drinking so much. He learned a long time ago that vodka gave him vertigo and instead of owning up to it and admitting that is why he couldn't drink it, he'd tell people I wouldn't allow him to. That was embarassing to me, and nobody likes to feel embarassed, so I stopped saying anything and would just ignore him when he drank to much or was laying on the couch with vertigo. He calls it that I stopped communicating. I call it he was selfish and didn't want anyone telling him what to do and I became resentful and didn't like him too much anymore.
 

Abbey

Spork Queen
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Abbey, if saying what you feel is going to cost you a relationship, then it doesn't sound like it's a good one. </div></div>

That is exactly the point. It is a work in progress....a painful one for our family. But, I can't sit by and take the brunt of what is going on. Speaking out has been extremely difficult for me, but hopefully will move in a better direction.

It is SOOO hard, though. I was raised in a family where no one spoke of feelings. It is ingrained in me. It is a serious choice of me to speak out. I don't like it, but it has to be done. They don't like the results. :surprise:

Abbey
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
From 9-17-1007
I'm having him do these things right now because I'm angry and I know he should be the one doing them. I feel if I get someone sel to do it, it's just letting him get away with one more thing he doesn't have to be responsible for. You wrote that K.

You asked us Doesn't he think he's hurt me enough?

He should have done a lot of things in 30 years. Leaving you for another women while your Mother was ill, wasn't supposed to be one of them. Making you move out of your home, moving period, trying to make sense of it all - that's not how a husband or a friend treats another.
He lept into and stayed in the arms of others. He tells you about it to continue to HURT you and DEGRADE you. Even though you sit there and say NO NO don't tell me - YOU STILL HEAR IT or you wouldn't be able to tell us what a heel he is. If he cared EVEN a little he'd keep his mouth shut. But no- he delights in telling you about this one and that one and how the kids are oh so happy for him. What a jerk. What did he think the kids were going to say at their age? "Gosh dad I hate you, you creep, you're hurting Mom?" THEY still have parents - HE doesn't have a wife any longer. And while you're standing there telling him what you think to cleanse your soul (which is good) I have my doubts that he's heard anything YOU said. Usually those exercises are for getting years of :censored2: out of our systems to liberate ourselves, not to make him feel bad (he is incapable of that). It allows US as the injured party to move on.

Does it feel good to stand there and say "YOU WERE A ROTTEN JERK and TREATED ME POORLY?" YES!!! It holds incredible power. Telling people exactly what you think of them is a powerful thing. Getting them to listen and make amends - probably not going to happen. But counseling teaches us to use this power to make ourselves feel good about US. Once empowered we feel we can change the world, change our minds - <u>change our lives</u>. Not go back and make that 'certain someone' fell anything. You said he said all these years you were not very emotional. Not true. You are a wonderfully emotional person. He was intensely stifling.

In my book he just doesn't get to be a part of your life past or present. And every time you tell him how you feel? He's used it or will use it in the future against you. ( I PROMISE YOU THAT) THAT is what I think the majority of the people here are trying to forewarn you about.

HOWEVER;
If you acted like you didn't care - it would blow his socks off. And he's a major difficult child so for the first few weeks you ignore him of course he's going to be smug, he'll drop little ugly things like "she drinks a lot", or "She' left me, look she SERVED the papers, not me" and on and on to suit his unquenchable need for others compassion - he WANTS THE WORLD TO THROW HIM A PITY PARTY. Every time you talk to him - (viva la fiesta). BELIEVE me after you give him NO CREEDENCE and stick to it, the less he ceases to exist in your mind- it will make him wonder...and wonder leads to questions and questions have WHY, WHEN in them and that's when YOU are able to NOT SAY A WORD, and HIS questions go unanswered. JUST LIKE YOURS regarding your marriage. Right now every time you talk to him his brain is saying "I can still control her."

When YOU shift the balance of control to you, which feels incredible - for a while, and eventually fades because you just don't give a rats patootie. AND THAT is the beauty of counseling and working with a therapist. You may not avoid talking to him all together But you CAN vow to stop setting yourself up by not talking to him anymore.

You say there is the sale of the cabin and you must talk? BOLONGA. You can have him tell the attorney for the sale what needs to be said to you.

You say there is still a business to do/keep/run? Great - tell him to leave you notes.

WHY does he get even a glance of YOURS? YOU ARE WONDERFUL, TALENTED, STRONG, ABLE TO MOVE FORWARD, KIND, You're a LOT of great things. When you think about it...you really don't have anything to say to him anymore. Nothing you say at this point is going to serve any purpose because he didn't listen for 30 years....what would make you think he'd start listening now?

I think you are doing fantastic and I admire your stamina - I just believe that your new found energies are getting sucked back into his black hole of 'pity me'. It's a huge force isn't it? How long did you survive the first go round? 30 years? Time to have a life.

Many hugs - and sometimes I come off like I don't understand Karen, but I do. If I wrote a story about my life I would have to publish it under Science Fiction it was so bizarre. When I went through it I walked alone, but I learned a lot. And I won't be taken advantage of by the opposite sex ever again. I'm worth more. SO ARE YOU.

Star
 

ScentofCedar

New Member
I have no advice, Karen.

I am reading along though. Wow, I am impressed with your growing ability to speak your mind clearly and concisely.

It may be that husband just never had a clue, before.

So he believed whatever he wanted to and made you out to be the villain.

I am glad you are not letting him do that to you anymore.

I have been off the site for a few days, here.

You seem so much stronger.

I am sorry for how painful it all is.

Better to face up to it, though.

You deserve better than what has been going on with this man.

Barbara
 

KFld

New Member
Thank you all so much for once again being here for me. I know I've said this a million times, but I don't know what I would do without all of you.

I actually ended up leaving work today because I just couldn't hold it together any longer. My boss knows what is going on and I just told her, I'm having a really tough time, I have to go. She was fine with it.

I just needed to come home and let go. I think I stay strong for so many days and then something will just hit me and I fall apart. I know it's normal and part of the process and I have to accept it for what it is and allow myself to fall apart. Just as I know I have to learn to speak what I feel, I also have to realize it's o.k. to fall apart once in awhile. I can't hold that in either, as I know it's just as unhealthy as not speaking my mind.

I'm off to drop the papers off with the sheriff and get my hair cut and colored. Hmmmm, for some reason it seems a little greyer this week :smile: easy child and I are going grocery shopping tonight and then I'm looking forward to relaxing on the couch with a good book.
 

KFld

New Member
I screwed up my appointment time and showed up an hour late. Oh well. I got out to do a few other errands first and had to reschedule for next Wednesday.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Good luck with the new you.

And so the well-adjusted man has quit counselling? I wondered how long he would keep it up. I suspect he's using the finality of you serving papers as the excuse he's been looking for to dump this counselling bulldust.

And in his head, he didn't REALLY need a counsellor (he just needs a good woman to take care of his needs), he was only doing it to please you and show he was working to get you back.
Why did/does he want you back? Because in his mind, being married to you PLUS playing the field was the best of both worlds. And by maliciously blaming you for his own inadequacies, he was totally blame free in everything he did.

He SO reminds me of my exBIL - he & my sister would go out (on increasingly rare social outings - friends were no longer inviting them as often). My sister would introduce brother in law to a colleague/friend of hers and brother in law would loudly say, "Oh, so YOU'RE Sharon? You're nothing like my wife said. You're not ugly at all!" And he's imply my sister had said worse, which anyone who knew her would know she would never do. Ex-brother in law thought he was being witty, but in fact he was a major embarrassment and really hurt my sister. Plus, most people in the room knew he was a philanderer, and if the current love of his life was not in the room it didn't stop him, he would go and try to pick someone up anyway.

Marg
 
G

guest3

Guest
Oh hone next time hge hits you with that line, I would muster all the sarcasm you could find and say "for now" and hang up on the $^%$%#%$#%

&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;&lt;HUGS&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Why in the world would he tell me that????


Because it's all about him.
This is validation that you are doing the right thing by divorcing him. He will never be there for you. Fugetaboutit.
Keep breathing.
 
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