Hoku has been seeing her sister Tornado for a month or so, going to visit her nephews and niece. I think she has designated herself as the peace maker. She has hopes for us all to be a happy family together. So she called me up, "Mom, I just wanted to let you know I have the boys with me and we are coming over.....Mom, Tornado and Volcano will be coming too and bringing dinner....." I caught my breath and held it as the memory of their crazy exodus reeled through my head. I haven't seen or spoken to them since. Six months of their imposed no contact. I confess, I did not go out of my way to breach it, the morning they left here was full of their drama and turmoil, culminating in my calling police who took their merry time to come. Tornado had violated her TRO (unbeknownst to me) and was sneaking Volcano over, they had been arguing in the wee hours of the morning and I awoke to the frenzy. They sped off down the road and I gathered up the grands and calmed them, readied myself for work, the grands, school. It was a horrifying morning. The phone rang, the two intending to come pick up the grands. I calmly told them to please allow me to drop them off, I had just got them settled. Tornado was yelling about how they were her kids.....they were coming to get them. I hung up and dialed 911. I locked the security screens. Their car roared up the driveway. Volcano came up the porch step with the boys shoes, I told him I called the police and he left with the car. Tornado proceeded to scream and yell, was extremely verbally abusive and ranting, encircling the house yelling at the top of her lungs........"You are just a F- ing haole b!+€#......." It did not echo in my head, she repeated it at maximum decibels over and over and over, running from the front door to the back, as my grands huddled together in shock. I prayed for the police to hurry up. Then she began calling the children to open the door, that I had no right to keep them there. She started with the youngest boy, he looked at me with his big brown eyes then went out, soon followed my granddaughter, then the eldest boy, who had stayed with us for a year and a half to attend a nearby charter school. He came to me with tear filled eyes, hugged me and whispered in my ear "Tutu, I don't want to go, but I have to watch my brother and sister." He kissed and hugged me tightly, then slipped out the door. His mother paraded them down the driveway, screaming "These are MY kids, you have no right......." I broke down and cried, sobbing and shaking. Called work that I would be late. The policeman finally came and was empathetic, but there was nothing he could do. She is their mother......... Six months pass, and now they will step foot in my home again. My mind is racing. I want to see my grands, not their parents. Hoku comes into the room I am painting and says "Mom, I hope you are not upset with me that they are coming." I tell her no, but she needs to understand that it has been six long months of intense work processing all of this, that I am only human, and this unplanned visit is very overwhelming for me. She hugs me and says the boys are outside. I go out to greet them, but my heart is aching as I think of what they last endured here. What do my grands think of all of this, how their Tutu is so disrespected by their mother? What do my grandkids think of me? I see them and my heart melts as we hug, I burst into tears and hold them tightly, they have grown so much in six months. The oldest and I hug each other for a long time, squeezing ever tighter. I cannot stop my tears from flowing. They talk with me about school and football. I ask them if they have been okay and they nod yes. I collect myself and go back to my work. I am so full of mixed emotions, and am surprised at one of them. I feel shame. Ashamed and saddened at all of this mess. I told Hoku that I would not have dinner, it was too much for me. There has been no communication, no apology, no reaching out. I am a stubborn woman. I feel that it is up to my daughter to make amends. It has been many years of turmoil and drama, comings and goings, desperately trying to help our daughter, then focusing on the babies. CPS got involved early on when a report was made that my daughter was smoking pot and breastfeeding her second child. I was shocked at the call, she had delivered naturally to avoid exposing the baby to drugs, how could this be? She tested positive. The social worker arranged with us to take care of our grands as rehab was enforced, reunification was CPS goal (as is usually the case). We received no help from the agency, some "clause" the social worker quoted. We are not well off and spent most of our savings. There are many more stories of drama and struggle, heartache, grands being dangled in front of us like the carrot before the horse, living with us, withheld from us. A hell ride for all. ............And here after six months of shunning, Tornado arrives, with Volcano. I am painting the back room. I swallow the lump in my throat, hearing her voice. I stubbornly stay at my work. I feel sad, angry. I did not raise my children to be cruel and obnoxious. I hear footsteps. In walks Tornado, "Hi Mom" she says, and hugs me. I hug her back and she walks out. This morning, as I sit here writing this, I am perplexed. Who does that? Who rips out their mothers heart, stomps on it, has no contact, then waltzes in, as if nothing happened? No apology, no tears. Nothing. Who does that? My daughter does. At this moment, I do not understand the lack of remorse. I don't think I will ever understand it. Drugs, do drugs take away conscience? I think so. It is another chapter in this endless saga. I will pray for peace of heart and mind. I do not feel angry, more.....bewildered. In shock.... One saving grace....... I am very glad to have been able to hold my grands ever so tight and talk with them. I have missed them very, very much. Tearfully, leafy Ps. To top it all off, Hoku informed me that Tornado and Volcano went to find Rain, took dinner to her. Volcano and this guy almost got into a fight. Tornado wanted Rain to go with them, to get off of the streets. She refused, because "She loves him."......Sigh. Lord, give me the strength, and please, please help Rain, Tornado and my grands. Amen.