Guess who's coming to dinner

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nancy, Nov 18, 2012.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child sent me a text this afternoon asking if her roommate could come to Thanksgiving dinner. This is the same guy that she had just met and let move in and who wanted us to give him our futon from the basement because he a was sleeping on the floor and had no furniture. My first reaction was no but I didn't answer right away so I had time to think and talk to husband. I asked my easy child if she minded because it's her birthday too and we are celebrating it on Thanksgiving and I didn;t want her to be uncomfortable. She said it was our call and was probably the point where we had to practice what we preach and Thanksgiving was a time of giving and no one should be alone that day but did we check if he had a record.

    So I checked the public records for both the municipal and common pleas court and he was arrested for fellonious assault last year. It was bound over to the grand jury but there the record stopped so I have no idea what happened. After talking to husband we agreed I should text her and ask her what happened with his arrest before we answered. That was a couple hours ago and she has not responded. We are plannign on telling her that we have a right to know who is coming into our home so we would like to know what happened to that case to decide if we are comfortable with it. I suspect she is angry and just won't answer.

    On one hand I don't want to convict someone unfairly but on the other hand I am so dang tired of having to associate with the criminal element she surrounds herself with.
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is a platonic roommate, right? If so, I think you are right to say that you don't feel comfortable with his history. If it is a romantic relationship, it might be harder to say no.

    I think the ball is in her court.

  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Good for easy child for thinking to check his background. difficult child should've done that before she took him as a roommate!
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Update--roommate called us and husband answered the phone. He claims he is not the person in the court dockets. He gave us his birthdate which is different from the one arrested, but year is the same. He claims he has never been arrested and his parents have been married for 30 years and his father cleans businesses at 5 am. He says he wants to get to know us because he is living with difficult child. Says he is paying half the rent and trying to help difficult child get settled.

    I am so use to being conned by difficult child that I don't really beieve him. Maybe he isn;t the same perosn but it just doesn't add up that he is working in a fast food restaurant and is not going to his parents for Thanksgiving and he has nothing but his clothes.

    So I guess he will come for dinner but I will not take my eyes off him.
  5. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Well there's a benefit of living with a difficult child sibling....the pcs get real wise real quick.

    Hoping your day is peaceful!
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I always think it is good to get to know your kids friends, even difficult child friends... then you have an idea of what you are dealing with and sometimes it can come in handy. So I was going to say yes have him for dinner... still saying that. It is very possible that the record is for someone else... but I would keep any valuables locked up.

    And your easy child sounds very wise.

  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I usually liked to meet her friends too, until her friends could fill up a who's who in the community jail. Honestly I don't think difficult child associates with anyone who doesn't have a record.

    It's all a bit strange, she has never wanted us to meet any of her friends. She kept them hidden, didn't even know their last names. So for him to say he wants to get to know us makes me very skeptical. He doesn't want to spend time with his parents but wants to with us???? And they are driving seperate because he has other stops to make. I don't get it.
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What's the old saying . . . . "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." It might be good to get to know him.

    After years of living with a difficult child, I'm sure you can handle him.

  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Haha yes Kathy good idea.
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I, too, would be extremely concerned about anyone my difficult child wanted to bring over. I don't blame you one bit for the check up - did it have a mugshot? That is how I saw my difficult child's boyfriend - his mugshot was online. That way you can compare it?
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG I hear you and not to be paranoid but I am giving some information on him to my friend so if anything happens she has it.

    There is a mug shot of a person with his name online but it is not the same arrest date as the one I found in court records and doesn't even say what the arrest was for, it's one of those mugshot websites. I don't know if it's the same person one or a third person because that arrest is not in the court records, it may be a fake mugshot. Anyway he does not look at all like her roommate.

    I don't know what to believe. I asked difficult child last night why she wants us to meet her friend because she has never wanted us to in the past and she said "he wants to". Not sure I like that answer but it is what it is.

    PG please post an update to your situation. I am very worried about you and your difficult child.

  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I've hosted far too many difficult children with records. on the other hand, maybe preaching to the choir, an arrest record does not mean that you are a danger to society. Truthfully I wish they would separate arrests into least subdivide them into violent and non-violent. My difficult child#1 show's up with like eight charges online. He was arrested one for having pot resideau on the floor of the back seat of his car (no joint, no bong etc.) and was found guilty of a misdemeanor. That is listed twice (the arrest, the court date) plus a third entry when he was having brain surgery and missed his monthly probation appointment. He was arrested before that for pot possession, kept overnight and then the charges dropped the next morning because the officer had no evidence to present to the Court. (There was no evidence. It was just small town cop buggin a teen.) Then the rest has to do with the Rx pills in the back of his unoccupied car. He agreed to a plea bargain because he wanted to come home and at eighteen they let the kid do that straight after he got home from rehab.

    As you all know I have "a thing" about how easily kids lives are messed with by teenage non violent arrests. SO, Nancy, I think you should do what makes you comfortable. on the other hand I guarantee you that there are alot of easy child/difficult child's who have mug shots and are safe and fun company. In fact (don't horse whip me, lol) it's possible that he wanted to invite your difficult child and his parents said "no way". Life's weird. Hugs DDD
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aww DDD the eternal optimist. I too have been to many AA and support group meetings with some strange people who have many mug shots and when I got to know them they were harmless and fun to be with. And I so agree with you about the young lives ruined by arrest records. I wish we could change the laws so that misdemeanors could be expunged after two years of no offense. It is not fair to judge the rest of their lives on mistakes they made when young and foolish. They can't get jobs or rent apartments or buy cars, it's not right.

    I just don't trust difficult child. I don't even know if she's still working. She associates with some very strange people and puts herself in all kinds of danger.

    I'm sure this is all harmless, I just shake my head because difficult child went to great lengths to keep us away from her acquaintances.
  14. Signorina

    Signorina Guest


    I would have him come for dinner. Or if dinner will be too awkward, maybe for dessert. I am of the school that says "Keep your friend's close and your enemies closer."

    Of course, I don't mean to suggest that he is your enemy. And when you have a difficult child who is SO easily influenced, their friends are a double edged sword.

    And for me, it's hard to know "who" is a good influence and "who" is the bad influence.

    Boy, I wish I could figure that out in my own life! difficult child's BEST buddy is an Eagle Scout and honor student who works really hard and is putting himself through school and on the Dean's list. That alone makes me think that he should be a GOOD influence on difficult child. on the other hand, difficult child's partying coincides with the timeline of this friendship, and I imagine that this friend is also a substance user but I am guessing not an addict. He is also one of those free spirit kids, son of easygoing baby boomers who think everything their kids do is wonderful. But all 3 of their kids are high achievers so they may have something there...

    Anyway, forgive me for rambling. But that ramble above is my turmoil. We all know that forbidden fruit is more appealing. We know that their peers influence them far more than we do - and in the case of difficult children - even far more than normal. Pushing their friends away pushes them away. Their friends are the ones to whom they confess their secrets, to whom they speak to late at night. Ergo, those friends are the people we want on our side. Even if just to say "aww, your mom isn't that bad...", or maybe they are someone to whom we can slip our cell phone number and say "if EVER difficult child is really in trouble, I want to know...I will help, call me FIRST"

    So when difficult child's friend came by to take him to a concert, I hugged the friend tight, told him he looked wonderful, and wanted to hear about his adventurous internship working in a oil field. And I nodded, and smiled and told him honestly that I admired his work ethic. And I've known him since he was 13, and I really saw a huge change in his maturity. Something I hope may wear off on my son. Sadly, I think that this friend may actually be close to outgrowing his friendship with difficult child.

    And I hope that when difficult child vents to him about me, friend will say "awww, your mom isn't that bad..."

    Yikes, I did not mean to make this thread about me. That wasn't my intent. Just wanted you to know that I struggle too. Obviously, "this boy" is important to your daughter. That may be reason enough to invite him...makes her world a little smaller too.
  15. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Yeah, this stinks of something....not sure what.

    I guess this just gives off an "abnormal vibe". Usually - 'getting to know' somebody is done over several casual meetings...not suddenly on a national holiday. And his happily married parents won't be hurt that he has chosen to spend Thanksgiving with total strangers? That's very understanding of them. Wonder why they were not able to give him any of their old furniture instead of his needing to come to you? And how does a person with pretty much nothing to his name help somebody else "get settled" anyway ??

    I don't think you need to guard the silver or anything - but be on high alert for some kind of con game. He is too eager to ingratiate himelf...JMHO.
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Exactly my thoughts Daisy.
  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think our GFGdar is up. LOL

    Since your valuables are locked up when your difficult child comes to visit anyway, you don't have much to worry about. I think the main problem will be that things may be strained and awkward.

    Just a normal holiday with a difficult child.

  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If his parents are lower economical then maybe they are working that day. Or they are going out of town. Who knows. And as far as the names, there are two Cory's in my state with the exact same name but different birthdays which actually has caused problems for mine. Some of the other one's charges have ended up getting transferred to mine. The other one is about 4 years younger.

    Tony got a traffic ticket in SC a few years back and we almost never got his ticket taken care of because suddenly SC decided that he had his license suspended in Alabama. He has never been in Alabama. Turns out there was a man in Alabama with the same name but wasnt the same birthday nor was he even the same race! Took me days to get that one straightened out. So yes, even if you have a name on a list, it isnt always the person you think it is.
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah I found that out Janet. It is the same year though so that's why I questioned it. The thing that struck me strange was that difficult child had told me he didn't have anyone to help him out, that he had eight brothers and sisters at home and that's why he was sleeping on the floor. That's not true, he has two sisters and they are grown. At one point difficult child said he was going to move to Georgia with his friend and that didn't happen. Then he moved out of her place for two weeks and was going to get a place of his own, two weeks later he is back. But then I should never believe anything difficult child tells me. I just found it strange that he is living with the clothes on his back and he has a family and while they may not be wealthy I would think they would help him as much as they can.

    Anyway it is what it is and we shall see on Thursday what the real deal is.
  20. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I echo locking the valuables, but I would have done the same thing. Setting another place at the table - especailly during the holidays, can never be a bad thing. I'm sure he's lying about a few things about his circumstances (though, hopefully not about the record), I'm sure she is, too. But she'll remember that you included him around your holiday table long after she's forgotten his name.