H can be a thoughtless bonehead sometimes...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Sep 29, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    H and I have dealt with an issue surrounding use of porn in the past. It was linked into his alcoholism. I am happy to say he's remained clean on both accounts for nearly 2 years (I think around Dec 1st it will be 2 years).

    The other night we saw that movie "Ghosttown" with Tea Leoni. Yesterday morning as H was reading the paper, he made a comment about David Duchovny and I commented how Duchovny is going through treatment for porn/sex addiction and that I hoped Tea Leoni was faring well. And then H says, ....I cannot even believe he said this out loud, even if he was thinking it....

    "Why would David Duchovney seek out porn with a wife like Tea Leoni? She's so pretty!"...

    ...which, of course, led me to ask the question, "Well, why did you seek out porn then?"....which led H to stutter a bit and say, "What?" and quickly change the subject.

    Minutes later, after a lot of tongue biting, I said, "Not to belabor the point, but, you do know that it's not about looks, don't you? I mean, we have addressed this..."

    I mean honestly, we've been through all of this in counseling - it's not about whether a man finds his mate attractive or not...in my H's case, and I know there are varying opinions on this, but in MY H's case, his seeking out porn, alcohol, or any other addictive behavior is about control and heavily linked to his own struggles with depression. It's not just about wanting to get turned on. And he knows this as we've (and he separately) explored this in counseling and at home.

    Anyway, H never responded. Never acknowledged my question or comment and just went about his business. We ended up doing separate things all day and I have to say I was seething under my skin all day. I hate myself for it, but I couldn't shake the damned feeling all day. That WTH, H makes a correllation between a man looking at porn with the level of beauty of his partner....meanwhile there was a time when he was that man and I was that woman!!!

    Not tooting my own horn or anything, but if that were the case, then I am very hurt. I think I'm pretty, I've been told I am attractive, etc., I maintain a decent weight, do interesting things...so the only reasoning that helped me get past the hurt of my H seeking out porn over all that time was that it had nothing to do with attractiveness (or lack thereof) of a person's partner. Now, it seems, that theory has been blown out of the water for me by H....because H obviously believes attractiveness does matter.

    Anyway, I am making a very strong concerted effort to let this go and not hang onto it. But I just wanted to vent about it. And I don't want anyone to post to me trying to justify the use of porn, ok? We've had that discussion on here before and until you've lived with a person who has an addiction such as that, you really do not have a clue, so please save your argument. I realize that there are some couples out there who can use it and I have nothing against them - 'to each his own'. In fact, I tried to incorporate it into our life years ago as an effort to just accept it, but quickly learned that H preferred single user mode when using...lol.

    Well, whatever.
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    No defense for porn. However, in defense of your husband, he's a MAN. If there's a way to put a foot into mouth, chew well and swallow when talking to the wife, a MAN will find it. Yours has gone above and beyond.

    Something tells me he never responded because he could not come up with a response that could make things better -- he opened his mouth and inserted his foot. There is nothing he can say that can take that fact back.

    I'm willing to bet that if he had considered himself to be in the same category as Duchovny, there is no way he would have said it, but daughter is a star; he's just a man. Tia is gorgeous; you're his wife. They just don't fit into the same category in his dinky mind. Just remember, he's a MAN.

    If you can, chalk it up to foot-in-mouth disease, make the MAN do major penance (flowers, bath run for you, a lot of mea culpas, the whole 9 yards) and let it go. If he didn't love you or find you attractive, I'm willing to bet he'd still be drinking and porn surfing -- he'd have no reason to quit if he didn't care.

    I'm sorry he said it and I bet he is, too. I really doubt he meant it in any way, shape or form to apply to him and his past. Do remember, he's been "good" for two years, so it doesn't apply to him anyway.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think MB is right. H just didnt think and inserted foot before thinking. I cant tell you how many times I have done the same thing!
  4. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    No defense of porn from me either. Regardless of anyone's personal feelings about it, if porn is the substance that was being abused then it has no place in your relationship with H.

    As for this episode, I agree with MB that if he didn't care deeply about you he would still be drinking and using porn. Your H made what he thought was an idle comment. He's been "good" for 2 years, so perhaps he figures that since he's over his problem with porn that you must be as well.

    However, he seems to have no idea of the depth of hurt that he caused you over it. If he knows what's good for him, he should stay far far away from idle comments about porn or the people who use it, addicted or otherwise.

    I think your H needs to fully understand and acknowledge your pain. AND grovel. AND do some serious penance.

    Please don't let him make you question your attractiveness. He was being terribly insensitive, but I don't think he was being deliberately cruel, nor do I think he was deliberately equating David Duchovny & Tea Leoni's situation with your own. He probably just didn't think about it at all.

    I'm sorry Jo.
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yeah, you're all right. He did scrub the tub without being asked and something else,though at the moment I can't remember what. I just remember thinking, "Good thing you did that, Mister!" Hahaha.

    Thanks for pointing out he was just putting his big ol' foot in his mouth. I do recall that when I asked him why he looked at porn his immediate response was, "I don't anymore", very matter-of-factly in a sing song fashion, trying to keep things lite...so apparently he doesn't think of him/me as being in the same category as daughter/TL. Okay - I've let it go.

    Thanks ladies. And thanks for not defending this to me also - I can't tell you what a relief it is. I've read other members' threads and posts and have often had to just close them up because it's clear that some people just don't get it and I get too peeved to comment.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo...I have done the same thing your H has done countless times. I will have done something wrong...oh I dont know what...pick something. Then when someone else does it years later...I will be all "I cant believe they would do that, dont they know better?" LOL. Hmmmm.

    PS...many times Im saying this stuff about Cory...lmao.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry that you were hurt. I know that you have worked to put this behind you, but perhaps a al-anon meeting, or other meeting to help dealwith the lasting effects of a partner with an addiction?

    While I hadn't realized that you and H had faced this addiction issue, I AM glad that no one popped in to say "porn is great" because it just is not for many people. Anyway, I am glad that you were able to vent to us, to realize the foot-in-mouth disease really does happen to our spouses in ways that can be hurtful, and please know that we are here to support you, never to slam you over your problems.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I agree with the others- he's a bonehead. But, if he stuck his foot in his mouth because now he looks at this differently than he did a couple of years ago, it's probably worth trying to let it go. I can see why it would hurt your feelings, but again, I think that was the furthest thing from his mind. Its so much better for him to stick foot in mouth than to go back to taht habit...
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    So sorry he opened mouth and inserted foot. My feelings would be hurt as well. Many hugs to you.
  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I've been clean for nearly 5 years, Jo, and I still pass judgement. It is easy to get all sanctimonious when I have accomplished something that someone else cannot. I'll see someone who keeps relapsing and think "geeze, just QUIT already!" as though it were that easy.

    Of course, unlike a man, I never say it out loud. I always catch myself and tell myself "shame on you, you were no better, now what can you do to help this person?"

    He's a bonehead. But he loves you.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Sounds like classic foot-in-mouth disease to me too.

    I also don't believe porn-viewing has much to do with whether the girl in the picture is attractive or not - a bloke can look at a girl and say she's pretty, without wanting to see her with her clothes off, surely? Porn is different.

    Maybe it's good that he's forgotten that?

    Sounds like a typical thoughtless bloke, in my opinion.

    Think of the old Groucho Marx line:

    "Who was that lady I saw you with last night?"

    "That was no lady - that was my wife!"

    Blokes get complacent about their wives - we are to them a lot more than the pretty face beside them on the pillow. We also see them in their less attractive times (as they see us, also).

    Don't punish him for too long!

  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Haha, Marg, I wasn't even punishing him. He cleaned the bathroom of his own volition (or, er, um guilt? lol).

    Anyway, besides not knowing when to keep his mouth shut, he is so good in so many other ways.

    BBK, thanks for your viewpoint - it means a lot. And it's very true. I sometimes realize how difficult it must be for H to not want to grab a bottle and go to town with it and yet, he doesn't. Last night when I asked him what he wanted to drink with dinner, he asked if we had any vodka. I said, "We do, is that what you really want?" and he joked and said "Yes, but I'll settle for some apple cider". We laughed it off. I think it's a real struggle for him at times, but he's doing well. I wish he had some outside support though.

    Everyone here really helped me to put it into perspective. Thanks again.