H&R...how did the dinner meeting go?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DDD, Oct 5, 2012.

  1. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Did you get another year? DDD
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    You know, DDD, I thought it went well, I really did and difficult child even said so, but then...

    As per the usual difficult child way, they didn't hear everything correctly and assumed a lot in regards to the wedding plans, costs, etc. apparently, they thought I said it was $15,000 and that they had to kick in half. Not what I said. In fact, it will likely cost about $8,000, maybe $10,000 depending upon how frugal and careful we are.

    We discussed postponing the wedding due to matters that E has to clear up with his support and visitation of his sons. At the end of the meeting, I thought we were all clear on everything...that ultimately, these were their decisions but we needed to get the ball rolling since the date is next August.

    On Friday, difficult child asked me to join her at her therapist appointment this coming tuesday so she can tell me something and then go with her to an appointment the next day...I said okay but asked what it was about. She said she wanted to talk about it in the tdocs office. I let it go. Well, yesterday, she was here and we were alone and she decided to talk. Turns out that she investigated having he wedding elsewhere...at a Coon Hunting Club (I will lose the $1500 deposit I have already paid out if we cancel) up in bum****, CT. She had mentioned this place back in January and I said then that we could visit it and that I bet her dad would like it (he's a hunter). Yesterday, she twisted my words and said that I told her that "oh yah, I bet dad would have something to say about that!" I never said that! She also said that I mentioned something about her wanting a white cracker trash wedding...again, not something I would say so I know I never would have said that! Also, she said that she was mad at me for saying I would be really ****** off if she had her biodad walk her down the isle....I did say that, but, I also gave her a lot of options to do it another way. Such as have both H and biodad walk her, I walk her, she and E walk one another, I walk her halfway, hand her off to H and then biodad gives her to E. At the time she said she wanted me. Yesterday, she said that I was RUDE for saying I would be ****** off if she had biodad walk her down the isle. "Rude" is not a word difficult child uses. However, it is a word her biodad says ALL THE TIME! Then she told me that she had discussed all these things with him and E's mom and that they both said that having the wedding planned the way we have it so far seemed like "too much"...and E's mom thinks they should just have a backyard BBQ at her house (something that made difficult child cry and say "I don't want to be trapped there forever!").

    And as if this wasn't enough to make my blood boil, I kept my tongue in check by the way, difficult child proceeds to say, "I know that Stepdad (H) has been a good dad and you and I are close and all, but I've always felt more like I belonged to dad and that I'm more like him and his family so it would have been nice to be able to have him give me away". Okay.

    I find it really interesting that those who have plainly said they can't contribute a dime to this wedding reception are the ones whose opinions matter most to difficult child and are the people who have the most disparaging things to say about me.

    I would not have gone forward with putting a deposit down on the reception at The Village if difficult child and E were not totally for it and gave me the thumbs up. Who would put $1500 down on something they weren't sure of???

    I really feel like telling difficult child that I will give her a certain amount of money three months before the wedding and she can do whatever her dad and future mother in law think she should and step way the hell back. How insulting and RUDE of her to completely diss me and all I have done as her parent. Why automatically does the father have the right and privilege to walk their daughters down the isle rather than the mom...ahem, in our world, me, the mom, I was the one who was there for her through thick and thin, hard times and good times. Sat up in hospitals, lay awake all night making sure she can breathe, dietary changes, medications, doctors upon doctors appts, etc. biodad did nothing. He didn't even pay child support for 15 years until I finally took him to court.

    Am a bitter? A little, but I have also let a lot go. Would I be super ****** if biodad walked her down the isle? Yeah but I'd get over it and i told difficult child that. I'm hurt and ******. Aren't you glad you asked, DDD! ;o)

    Their reception including family only is at around 90 ppl. So to add close friends and extended family we are up around 130 ppl. I offered her our backyard, we could get tarps, etc. I even said if they wanted to they could have everyone bring a dish and make it super casual...that didn't fly. I don't want to have it here. The place we all agreed on can accommodate both outdoor/indoor, depending upon the weather. It's lovely and next to a pond, has a pool, playground, good food, etc. that way we can show up, enjoy and leave-no mess for us to clean. I'm very disheartened by her outlook and comments.

    H and I had an outdoor garden wedding in my sisters yard. We were married by a JP and the girls were part of the wedding. I bought my dress at Marshall's for $60 and Pete bought a nice suit at Filenes and the girls had matching dresses I bought at jc Penney. It was catered with delicious food, the bar was self serve, and we had a stereo system for music, (my sister played flute on the balcony for arriving guests). I think it cost a total of $3000 if that and it was a lovely wedding celebration! Only H's mom and dad thought it was a little less than. We only had 60 ppl plus kids.

    Dealing with major difficult child BS is not a huge part of my everyday life and I can see that this situation with difficult child and E and dealing with their respective difficult child parents may really send me around the bend....I think I need to call a time out for myself in the spirit of self preservation. I think I will indeed accompany difficult child to the therapist appointment so I can be crystal clear and the therapist can reiterate it all for difficult child's little difficult child ears so there is no confusion. Grrrrrr.

    So, this is where it stands as of now. And yes, my H is annoyed as well.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Awwwww....sending hugs. We experienced "issues" even though the three girls and one boy were all easy child's. My number one easy child wanted a small church wedding followed by a sit down lunch reception with live music. It suited her to a tee and although we did alot of cost containment it was lovely (and not cheap, lol). She wanted husband to walk her down the aisle and got up the nerve to discuss it with her bioDad. She came home in tears (highly unusual) as Biodad said "I GAVE you life and I WILL walk you down the aisle OR you will never see me again. Charming man. He and his third wife attended, he did walk her down the aisle and did not contribute a cent. Sigh.

    My easy child son's wedding was all centered at his wife's church. We gave the rehersal dinner at a lovely placed and survivied the wedding where our side of the family was treated no differently than guests. Sigh. The other two easy child girls planned their weddings with their Biomom and OMG BIG bucks went into beautiful weddings. We literally could not afford half of the costs (not even one quarter of the costs) but we contributed as best we could. husband walked both his daughters down the aisle because they literally hated stepdad with cause.

    Often when I read about difficult child convesations I think we WM's should have recording machines going when any topic of import is discussed. It sounds like she is "way out there", sad to say. I might be tempted to just say "we love you and we want you to have what you want for your wedding. Would you just like a financial commitment from us so you can plan your own big day?" Not what any Mom wants but it may be the way to save your sanity. I'm sorry. DDD
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you should send a pleading letter to David Tutera and explain to him that without him one of you may end up in jail...lol. He does come all around the country to do this weddings. You just never know. He is based out of NY I believe.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    By the time my kid had that many complaints about a wedding I was funding, I'd tell her to pay for it herself. I don't care if it's "half" or the whole darn thing.

    But then again, mine were told if they wanted to get married that was fine........but it's not my job to pay for it, and I didn't for either one. Maybe it's the difficult child in me, but I've never understood why parents think it's their financial responsibility to pay for college or weddings.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Who is Dadid Tutera???
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I won't pay for the entire thing, but I will help, just like I did with college. If they want it bad enough, they have to be willing to invest in it.
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ahhhh you gotta watch "My Fair Wedding." He takes trainwreck weddings and turns them into something beautiful. :)