had a GREAT time......then I came home...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Dec 8, 2008.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello everyone. I thought about all of you as I was watching Timmy and playing the slots!!! I really did think of all of you while I was away on my short escape. You all were with me in spirit!!!! I had an amazing time, I did not want to come home. It was as though I was picked up right out of my life and placed somewhere outside myself, it was wonderful. I didn't really think about my daughter too much. When she did float into my mind I quickly shoved her right out!!! I did not want to leave. The trip was tooooo short!!!

    Then I came home.....to my hell once again. The drama started the very next day. My daughter is now missing for a week and 2 days!!! We know she is in a city called Mount Vernon, if any of you know Westchester County NY then you know how horrible of a place Mount Vernon is!!! It is the most dangerous city in my county, it is the HIV capital of the county, gang central and killings almost weekly!!! Terrible place for a young girl with mental illness, that's for sure!!! We got a message from some guy who said nasty horrible things about my daughter. He said we need to come and get her as she is running all over the place, smoking Angel Dust and selling her body in the projects!!!!!! He also said that she looks really bad and smells really bad. He was not calling as a concerned friend, it sounded as though my daughter has been leaching onto him and he is sick of her. I called the Mount Vernon PD and gave them the number that this guy called from. He told the cop that he had seen her 30 minutes prior and she was in some park, so the cops went to look for her. I called them back and they said they didn't see anyone who fit her description. I have since been trying to call this guy and now he wont answer. Of course, now that he knows the cops are involved he no longer wants to communicate with us. I am a complete mess. I can't sleep, I have been having nightmares about my daughter prostituting herself. I cannot believe things are this bad, I never in my wildest dreams would have ever thought she would be this out there. I am a ball of nerves, my stomach aches, my knees are weak and I shake all the time. The worry is suffocating. I am sick to my stomach, literally!!! She is killing herself slowly and killing me slowly as well. I feel as though I will soon be attending my baby girl's funeral. She is going to catch AIDS if she already hasn't. She knows better. I know this is part of her illness, but it is just so hard to wrap my brain around the fact that she is out living like a street kid. I mean she is living on the streets as if she has it so bad here, like she is the one being abused!!! I can't understand why she would rather be on the streets then come home and get the help she needs. It is absolutely freezing here, it is 29 degrees right now. She only has a small jacket on. What is she eating? Where is she sleeping? She is probably prostituting for food and a place to stay. OH MY GOD, I can't believe I am talking about MY daughter!!! How could this have happened? She comes from a nice home and good family, how did she end up like this????????? What am I going to do? How can I live through this? I mean she will be 18 in 2 months so this is what I have to get used to as she, no doubt, will be living this way then!!! How can I function when my baby girl is living the life of a street kid, on drugs and selling her body? She is going to end up DEAD!!!!! Oh God, this is hell, I am living in hell. This hurts more than words can describe. The pain is constant, it never goes away. I am just a nervous wreck all of the time. Her court date is coming up in 3 days, on Thursday, if she does not come home there will be a bench warrant out for her and she will end up back in jail with $10,000 bail!!! If she comes home within the 3 days she will only end up in Juvie!!!! Oh, this kid is killing me!!!

    If someone would have told me how much having kids hurts I wouldn't have had any!!!!!!

    Thanks for listening. Oh and thanks for the advice on my other thread. I don't know if you read my last response: Marg, thanks for the pie chart idea. Susie, I put my problems in that baggie and tucked them away in the fridge, of course now that I am home they are tucked back in my heart!! Rot, thanks for the myspace idea, my sister did exactly what you said on Friday, no response as of yet. Steely, I left you a little message, I feel that you and I are so simliar and I am so sorry you are suffering in some of the same ways that I am. You are in my thoughts.

    Thanks my friends,

  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Oh sweetie.

    I just don't even have words. Your mommy heart must be in pieces. I am so sorry. Wrapping you in a hug and saying extra prayers for your daughter...
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hi, Bran! I'm glad you enjoyed it and had such a good time- you deserved the mental break!

    I don't remember all the details about your daughter, other than that she's out of touch with you and you can't access her. You may have tried this already, but can you file for the courts to get a TDO (temprary detention order) on her, which would mean that they issue something like a warrant, the police look for her and commit her to a psychiatric hospital for an evaluation when they find her?

    That's just my thought- you might have already looked into that or decided against it.
  4. compassion

    compassion Member

    You are in my heqart and prayers as is your precious daughter. My difficult child daughter is only 15 and done similar. We set the boundry 3 weeks ago, go to AA, stop using and running or go to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). ODAT will continue that boundary. Compassion
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Shawna, I'm so sorry. I wish I knew how to help. Sending hugs and many prayers for you and your family.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I'm glad you got a reprieve and enjoyed yourself like that, you were so overdue. It sounds like you had a great time.

    As far as the other is concerned all I can say is I'm so sorry and i'm sending you alot of hugs and support right now. You'll be in my thoughts. What are you doing right now, i mean are you taking anything at night to try to get some sleep? There's nothinig wrong with taking somethinig during a time like this. It's so so hard. You have done your best with her, you have tried so very hard.

  7. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member



    I'm so sorry for all of your pain, but you being a crumbling nervous wreck is not going to help her, you, or your family. I'm sure someone has mentioned that perhaps you might need some sort of medication (if not already) to help steady yourself. If not, I am mentioning it now.

    Falling apart is not going to help:

    1. difficult child getting off the streets.
    2. Her being cooperative in getting help.
    3. Keep her from being possibly arrested and put in jail (again).

    This is the time to gather yourself up (I know, SO MUCH EASIER said than done), dust yourself off, and take care of yourself and your son. Help difficult child, but not at the price of your emotional welfare (again, much easier said than done).

    You need to detach.

    That doesn't mean not trying to find her and calling the police when you get information. It doesn't mean giving up on her. For me, it means not allowing difficult children actions to keep you spiraling down into an emotional mud puddle.

    I write this with respect and concern for you and difficult child. It must be devastating to have someone talk about your child that way, but difficult child is in the drivers seat and you are really limited to what you can do for her.

    I am sending positive vibes your way that difficult child is safe.
  8. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Protective custody doesn't sound so bad when these are the conditions. I am so sad for you this morning. Your care and love ring on that pain hard in your words.
  9. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm so, so sorry for your pain, Shawna. Hugs and more hugs.

    I'm thinking about whether you can get a Form on your daughter - in Ontario it's called a Form 2 - a petition for the police to pick your daughter up and take her in to ER for an emergency psychiatric evaluation. With her history of BiPolar (BP) and her current behavior she would be detained involuntarily on the basis of being at imminent risk of harm to herself/not being able to care for herself. I can't find New York state law on this but most states have something ... can you call the courthouse to ask? In MD you go to the local court and get the form to fill out. The police then try to pick up the person named and bring them in.

    Please try to get some counseling or crisis help in place for yourself. You need support and help now to cope with this, and continuing support over the next while. We're all here for you but a local counselor is going to be important as well. I can't recall if you have anyone but if not, please get something set up. You can use the local crisis services, in fact that wouldn't be a bad idea because they'll look at your overall situation and help you contact any other services or help that may be appropriate.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhhhhhhhhh, Shawna-Bran, I am so sorry. You are going through Major H*ll right now.
    I'm hoping you don't take this the wrong way, but I'm hoping your daughter gets arrested because then she will at least be safe. The way you described her situation sent chills up my spine.
    Even though the guy who called may not have been altruistic, he provided you with-valuable info. That's probably a good thing. (I'm not sure if it's better to know or not to know.)
    You've gotten some good ideas here, in reg to crisis help and protective custody. I am sending you strength.
  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'm so sorry. (((hugs)))
  12. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    I believe, but I could be wrong as I dont know that US justice system, that the reason for her warrant is the original charge you made against her.

    She is 17 and if this case is dropped you could do something else legally. You could hire an youth transport firm to get her of the streets. I know how it functions here. Whenever the cops show up the streets are cleared. Private companies can do something the system cannot.

    If and when they get her, you need to have transported far away from her peer group. Not necessary into any kind of treatment, because she is in denial of her problems. Forced treatment would give her emontional scars lasting for decades and they can show to be exactly as damaging as AIDS.

    I know a collegue which had a son with drug problems down in California. He did not believe in the public system and he was too busy with his job. He took his son to a Mexico boarding school - a top place according to sources within the industy. The son became clean, but then without reasons some 4 years later his car ended up in the wrong lane hitting a truck head on. He died. Beside the truckdriver, people at a gas station saw the accident. The truck tried to avoid the car, but the son adjusted as it was done on purpose. His father talked with friend and it was then he discovered that the son had isolated himself and none - even girlfriends was allowed to close. Maybe he had lost faith in people. I dont know. But forced treatment has its risk.

    But as I stated before, she needs to far away from your home city so she can find herself in some kind of isolated environment. Do you have relatives out in the country? Maybe she should go there with a message that she can get a bus ticket home in 30 days.

    I am sorry that the myspace idea did not pay off. But what about this young man? Does he have a myspace? I know also that you had some used a lot of time and money? But could this young man be tempted by some 500 or 1000 bucks if he deliveres her to a place where a transport firm could be waiting? As long as she is minor it is legal for you to use these private options. Once she turns 18 it would be a crime.

    We are talking a grey zone here but I would do it. My limit would only be to force her into some kind of treatment because I believe that people can only change what they acknowledge.

    I pray for you and your daughter.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am SOO sorry your daughter is doing all of this. It is WONDERFUL that you were able to have a short getaway and enjoy yourself. IF we don't do things like that we soon find we have lost ourselves in our kids' problems. I am glad the baggie idea worked. Feel free to use it anytime, heck, even if you just want a bubble bath or a trip to a coffeehouse.

    As for your daughter, unless you are willing to pay a small fortune for a private tranport firm to find her and drag her out to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), well, there really isn't much you can do. Even if you DO drag her to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) she will be able to sign out at 18, unless you can somehow get the court to give you guardianship of her.

    IF you become her guardian then you are responsible for her indefinitely. I know NY says until age 21, but it doesn't sound like she is going to choose to be home during that time.

    I think it is time for you to go to Al Anon meetings and learn how to cope with her choices. Check out http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/ for some suggstions.

    Detachment does NOT mean you don't care. It means you care, but you realize you ahve no control over it so you will try to have the best life you can anyway. I am pretty sure I didn't explain it well. If you search "detachment" on this site you will find some ideas about it.

    It isn't healthy for you to keep yourself worked up about your daughter and her involvement in gangs, prostitution, drugs, or whatever. BE concerned, even worried, but since there is almost nothing you can do to change it, then you need to focus on things you CAN change and the other people in your life, like your son.

    Many gentle hugs, This is just a nightmare for you to go through.

  14. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you my friends. I know I HAVE to detach!!!! I tell myself that a hundred times a day. I keep repeating "Let go" to myself. I know in my heart that there is nothing left I can do for her. I also know in my heart I have been a good mother to her, I truly have done everything in my power over the years to help her. I can totally understand why people become drug addicts, they just want to numb the pain. I can see how someone who suffers daily wants so badly not to feel. I want so badly not to feel. I sleep as much as possible as to not feel. I have these horrible visions of my poor baby girl in the ghetto being mistreated and used. She must look a mess and feel even worse than she looks. I picture her smoking Angel Dust completely out of her mind. I picture her dirty and selling herself to nasty strange men. I picture her crying on the inside. She just doesn't care about herself at all at this point. I think she has gone too far and feels as though it is just too late. So now she is liable to do anything. She never really truly loved herself, now I fear she absolutely hates herself. When you don't love yourself you self destruct. She is on the path to destruction and has been for quite some time now, only it has never been this bad. I have this horrible feeling she will soon be strung out on hard drugs. It is par for the course!!!! I want so much to go and find her, pick her up and hold her, love her and FIX her. And I know that I can't. As a mother that just hurts so deeply, it kills me. I am dead inside. I breath because my lungs still work. I wake up in the morning because my heart still beats. Other than that I fake it through the day for my son. All the while I am crumbling inside. My son was my gift from God, if he wasn't here I would have probably killed myself already. I just can't see a reason to live in this much pain. I don't live, I exist. I know I need to change that. I just don't know how!!!! I need to seek therapy for myself. I just haven't had the energy to do so. What a hypocrite, I want my daughter to get the help she needs, however I won't get the help I need. That is crazy, I know. Why???

    I can only hope that as time goes by this will get easier.

    Thanks for all of the shoulders.
  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad you were able to get away if only for a bit. Know you are in my prayers. Hugs.
  16. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so glad you had a chance to escape your reality for awhile.

    I am so sorry for your hurting heart. I know just a fraction of how you feel when your daughter has so much opportunities, a safe home, a loving family, and yet chooses to walk away. My daughter has the opportunity to go to college and is basically turning away. As stated in my signature, she is a diva who hates her mom but is a good person. Every single thing she has that is good in her life is a stupid fight or struggle on my part for her to hang onto. It should be so easy! But she does not see it and I feel her life is going to always be a struggle because of her bad choices. It makes me sick just thinking about where she is and where she could have been with better choices. Why can she not forget about her hate toward me and work on bettering her life? But no, it is easier for her to throw her life away to spite me and then blame me when life doesn't work.

    I feel that your daughter is at a point that she will be safer in jail or juvie. She does not see how much better her life can be because of your hard work to provide for her a home. Like my daughter, she is looking for the easy way out and does not see that with just a little effort, she can have a great life.

    My heart hurts for yours. I can only hope that you have the strength to see this through. She is her own person but she is also your child and has destroyed your dreams for her. You need to find away to help her build new dreams.

    Welcome to the board!
  17. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Hey Bran...........
    As you know you are in my prayers and my thoughts are SO with you. OMG. It is a living nightmare you are going through.

    About 3 months ago, after 6 years of therapy, which still helps me immensely but not completely, I also started seeing a psychiatrist. I had intermittently seen GPs that would XR my Lexapro, and maybe, sometimes, give me some Xanax if I was having a total nervous breakdown in their office, but I had never seen a real psychiatrist.

    This has choice has helped me immensely. The dr has given me 2 medications, that have helped me manage my level of stress in a way I never thought possible. Truthfully, it has been the most impactful thing that has happened in my life, in a long time.

    Forever, I thought I just had to hoover it up and be strong - but none the less I was crying all the time, and having panic attacks, and unable to sleep. These medications have really helped me be put back on an even keel with life. I would really suggest you make an appointment to get some additional medical help in dealing with all you have on your plate. Sometimes, we just have to admit that we also need help, and seek that out to simply try and regain our own existence back.

    I am here if you ever want to PM me.
  18. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I wish so much that I had the answer. I wish I could make her want to help herself. I wish I could make your pain go away.
    I am so sorry.
  19. luvmyottb

    luvmyottb Guest

    I hope you can find the strength to get yourself some psychiatric help. You need it now honey. Please make a phone call tomorrow. I have had 2 different times in my life that became too stressful for me and both times I found medication helped me get back to a semi normal state. Panic attacks and no sleep for days on end had me full of despair and hating my life.

    You are hurting so badly right now and understandably so. I can't imagine what your heart is feeling. But we all care and hope you can find the energy to now help yourself. You can't help her, but you can help yourself. Your little one needs you! I hope difficult child gets picked up soon, for her sake as well as yours. It would have to beat the streets.

    Gentle hugs and warm thoughts to you.
  20. dawnmyst

    dawnmyst New Member

    Dear Bran,

    Oh sweetie. I can't begin to imagine the depth of your despair you have for your daughter but please please find yourself a therapist if you don't already have one. It is so important to build yourself back up even if just a little. Once that begins you might be able to figure out a way to help her...but please please help yourself first.

    An old Chinese proverb says, " If you want to help the child, heal the mother."

    Find a way to get some rest even get a prescription if you need one. I occasionally will take the over the counter sleep aids and they may help also.