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General Parenting
Had an interesting, if gutwrenching therapy appointment
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<blockquote data-quote="Martie" data-source="post: 9148" data-attributes="member: 284"><p>Janet,</p><p></p><p>No one is as good a parent at the beginning as they would be if they could do it all over again with the maturity gained AND the same problems as the original kid had. There is no way around this in my mind. It is just a fact.</p><p></p><p>I think my mother was a better parent than I so I come at this from a different perspective than those of you whose parents were less than you needed. However, I try not to beat myself up for two reasons: my mother lived in a simpler time--or we were simpler kids, whatever; and my mother raised ME (a easy child for sure) not my ex-difficult child and his overbearing older sister.</p><p></p><p>So I agree with everyone else, Janet, I think you are a very good mother. You and I met with boys about the same age with different but probably equally distressing problems; both were in out of home placements; and both are better now. It is important to remember than while my ex-difficult child does not do some of the difficult things other kids who are of similar age do or that Cory might still do (legal problems for one), he remains very "different" and I have chosen to accept that and not try to make him into something he isn't. Another way of looking at this is I am SURE that if my father were living, he would neither accept nor think I had been a good parent to ex-difficult child. My mother would be much more accepting of ex-difficult child as a person, but she also would have been certain that there is some defect in my parenting that caused his problems. I just no longer buy into that type of thinking. Our kids will be what they will be and NONE OF US deliberately did less than we could at the time we were raising them.</p><p></p><p>Janet, so many times you were helpful to me when I was lost and trying to make ex-difficult child into a "typical child." You could see more positives in Corey than I could in my child when he was 11 and Cory was 12. Since Cory was a bigger acter-out, that says good things to me about your patience and tolerance. I learned from you that if I didnt get some perspective, things were going to get much worse. You taught me that.</p><p></p><p>Despite what your therapist is saying about parenting causing personality disorders, whereas depression, BiPolar (BP) and ADHD have biologic bases, I think that there is a biologic underwrite to personality disorders that interacts with environmental factors. Or, put another way, protective factors and risk factors play out differently for children with the same biological parents in the same family. So since you were "good enough" for Jamie--who probably has more protective factors than Cory, you are also "god enough" for Cory, because he is Cory.</p><p></p><p>Lighten up on yourself--you're really amazing in my book.</p><p></p><p>Martie</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Martie, post: 9148, member: 284"] Janet, No one is as good a parent at the beginning as they would be if they could do it all over again with the maturity gained AND the same problems as the original kid had. There is no way around this in my mind. It is just a fact. I think my mother was a better parent than I so I come at this from a different perspective than those of you whose parents were less than you needed. However, I try not to beat myself up for two reasons: my mother lived in a simpler time--or we were simpler kids, whatever; and my mother raised ME (a easy child for sure) not my ex-difficult child and his overbearing older sister. So I agree with everyone else, Janet, I think you are a very good mother. You and I met with boys about the same age with different but probably equally distressing problems; both were in out of home placements; and both are better now. It is important to remember than while my ex-difficult child does not do some of the difficult things other kids who are of similar age do or that Cory might still do (legal problems for one), he remains very "different" and I have chosen to accept that and not try to make him into something he isn't. Another way of looking at this is I am SURE that if my father were living, he would neither accept nor think I had been a good parent to ex-difficult child. My mother would be much more accepting of ex-difficult child as a person, but she also would have been certain that there is some defect in my parenting that caused his problems. I just no longer buy into that type of thinking. Our kids will be what they will be and NONE OF US deliberately did less than we could at the time we were raising them. Janet, so many times you were helpful to me when I was lost and trying to make ex-difficult child into a "typical child." You could see more positives in Corey than I could in my child when he was 11 and Cory was 12. Since Cory was a bigger acter-out, that says good things to me about your patience and tolerance. I learned from you that if I didnt get some perspective, things were going to get much worse. You taught me that. Despite what your therapist is saying about parenting causing personality disorders, whereas depression, BiPolar (BP) and ADHD have biologic bases, I think that there is a biologic underwrite to personality disorders that interacts with environmental factors. Or, put another way, protective factors and risk factors play out differently for children with the same biological parents in the same family. So since you were "good enough" for Jamie--who probably has more protective factors than Cory, you are also "god enough" for Cory, because he is Cory. Lighten up on yourself--you're really amazing in my book. Martie [/QUOTE]
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Had an interesting, if gutwrenching therapy appointment
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