Had to ask my son to leave on Saturday

[RN0441]

Good morning

It all happened fast. My son was seemingly doing well since we moved back to Chicagoland. Working etc. Sometimes drinking too much beer but it was light beer and oh well we pick our battles don't we.

Then he started being high ALL THE TIME. We'd smell weed in the house - he was staying in our basement until apartment is ready October 10. I told him we did NOT want the house (our BRAND NEW house) smelling like weed but he continued to do it. This went on four days. This is his MO though, he'd do that for a few days and then go back to normal as if nothing happened.

Then Saturday he texted me in the morning that he was not going to work Saturday and Sunday and had "changed his shifts". WHAT? Did he think he was going to lay around and get high for two more days. He was supposed to work 8 hours Saturday. He is supposed to be saving for his apartment. I told my husband and then we went downstairs to confront him. He was high and it was not even 8am. I then told him he had to leave. I was NOT going to live like this anymore.

He left and has been back to get stuff 2 more times. He is angry with us. Really??? No respect at all. We have enjoyed having him here so much as he is very funny, does great impressions that put us in stitches and so very loving. I am heartbroken. He has NO friends here even though he grew up here. We had to tell his older brothers this time which I hated to do. Yesterday morning he showed up with his truck completely full of mud. Had driven into it here near our new home sites.

Had it towed and the tow driver did damage. Husband had to make a compliant, helped him clean up truck and dirt was all over road. I'm sure the neighbors are like WTH. Husband cleaned it up. He was supposed to return to clean up but never did.

How could he be so far gone after 4 days of drugging?? We just went to Costco together last week and all was normal....

 

[Crayola13]

I’m sorry to hear about all this. Was his anxiety bothering him again? Are things going well at his job?

 

[Nandina]

RN, I am so very sorry your son has taken this turn. We all know he has the ability to get right back on track. I hope he’ll do so. Whatever you do, stay strong and don’t give in. You’ve worked so hard to get to where you are; I hate the thought of your son’s behavior upending it. You’ve got your learned coping skills and faith to guide you. It is just heartbreaking to have to deal with this again. I feel for you. Love and Hugs

 

[Helpless29]

I’m so sorry to hear this turn around of events, I followed your story of your sons recovery since I came on this site , it always gave me hope . I’m sure this is so heartbreaking as it is for all of us . I pray your son can turn things back around sooner then later , from what I read on your posts he is very capable . I wish I could give better advice but I am still struggling with my sons addiction. I will pray for our sons.

 

[RN0441]

So he just charged over $1000 to our credit card for hotels....

 

[Crayola13]

Are you going to cancel the credit card? Maybe He could pay you back in payments of $84 a month for one year.

 

[RN0441]

Yes we already did. He said he "gave the wrong number by accident" but we don't believe it. We're in a SHI&storm right now.

 

[Deni D]

Oh RN, I'm so sorry to hear this. This could just be because of my past situations with my son, but it seems to me that he shoots himself in the foot to try to prove you need to be responsible for him just when he's about to move into being responsible for himself.

On the credit card, if he gave the wrong number by accident then he can pay you back intentionally going forward. Very simple. I'd bypass any victim talk about him having no where to go so he had to rack up your credit card, just wouldn't even address it, like I didn't hear that part, all matter of fact like. This takes a talent I did not possess while dealing with the $storm, but have acquired from watching someone else I know who's good at it over the years.

For the rest, he's actually pretty good for long periods of time. He has accomplished a lot. Once you get to a place where you are not directly watching (as in not responsible for) his every move, it will open up life for him to learn cause and effect. He might continue with his faith to guide him through, or maybe not. But he's had plenty of guidance, from you, your husband and from God, and has shown he wants the life of someone who is not living on the edge. Are you in therapy right now? It takes a lot to "let go and let God" in real life practice.

For our situation, if someone would have told me 10 years ago I would be dealing with my son the way I am these days I would have told them it would take a very irresponsible parent of an adult mentally ill child, who needs direction, to be so detached as this. Truth is I'm not detached in my heart or mind at all, but I work very hard not to take on my son's responsibilities, because I know if I do he will ignore them and fight back. I have worked out boundaries of what I will get involved with and what I will not. But most importantly when talking to him I listen to him and will give suggestions here and there but back off if he's not receiving me well. It has taken many years, but considering our situation I'm not tied to my son respecting me and taking my advice these days, although I wish he would. Now as an adult it's much more important that he is considerate of me as he gets to choose if he accepts advice or not. The thing is I know my son will never live the way I live my life. He will never stay the course of doing what he would see as the hard things today in order to ensure a better future for himself. He will live life the way he sees fit, the way some others around me who I sometimes judge and other times admire for their seemingly free wheeling lives do. It's not my life, though, it's his.

I think things will calm down with him again. I hope for you that you can detach from him enough to let him live and learn. I think he will do just fine for himself going forward, and you will be proud of him again.

 

[RN0441]

So...

Deni: YES you nailed it.
The minute he gets close to being independent HE does this. WHY? I do not think he will do well in any way because he is taking this. Per his FB posts, it looks like he is gaming all the time.

We believe my son is on xanax because of his behaviors. This makes perfect sense because the way he is acting; it cannot be just MJ.

He isn't sleepy or hungry like MJ makes you.

Today we are telling him that we are pulling out of apartment. We cannot subsidize this with his current situation and state of mind. We are afraid he will make it a party house and cost us a lot of money.

We want him to go back to Teen Challenge in Memphis. His dad will fly him there if he agrees.

We don't think he's working anymore.

He does not want to talk to his dad he told me by text because he doesn't want to get yelled at. Well he needs to be yelled at!

He needs inexpensive housing even IF he did go to a meeting or something but when I ask him what he's on he says "I'm not on anything". He is in complete denial.

He came by yesterday morning to get more stuff. I get very upset when he's here and it was after his dad left to see a customer.

I thanked God every day for his sobriety and how good he was doing. I am angry at God for this too. Why is this happening again??

We plan to call him today when my husband gets home from work. I have to fly to Alabama Monday and return Friday. Terrible timing.

 

[Crayola13]

Maybe something happened at work. Amazon is said to be hard on their employees. I hope that isn’t the case.

 

[lovemysons]

Dear RN…
I know you are heartbroken and angry right now. Remember where there is life there is hope. Also remember this too shall pass.
Free will sucks…sucks for God and us as parents too.
Your son has more learning to do.
Love and prayers,
LMS

 

[RN0441]

Thanks ladies

I just think his anxiety is over the top always. He just gave into temptation. My husband can be very hard on him, almost borderline abusive at times I think. Mainly when he is stressed which we have been extremely due to move and new jobs.

He loves him and is a good man but he was brought up in a cold German home and I think that my son is too sensitive for it at times. But we can't take the blame can we? All in all our son has a very good life and is loved but not perfect.

 

[BusynMember]

Drig addicts often relapse. It's part of the illness. There is not always a logical reason. I've just been in NarAnon for too long to see a pattern.
Addicts who are in in solid recovery also have hard times, job problems, relationship issues, illness etc. but they don't go back to using. My friends husband has been sober for 34vyears and he won't even use mouthwash with alcohol in it. Sobriety is hard and requires diligence.

Addiction is a disease that the addict must fight every single day. Once they start using again. Then they are on the merry go round again. I wish it made more sense. And I hope your son goes back to Teen Challenge and gets sober again.

Hugs and love.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi RN,
Oh boy, this is so tough. I am so sorry you are going through this. All we Moms want is for our kids to grow up and have a good life. Hang in there Momma, your resolve to not put up with nonsense will help your son in the long run. Praying for you and hubby’s strength and for your son to wake up to his light and potential. He needs to want that as badly as you do.
Many hugs
Leaf

 

[Nomad]

I'm so sorry. This is crushing. You and your husband are under way too much stress.

I was mad at God for a long time. But, in the end, accepting what I could not change and can not understand and turning to Him gave me strength.

For our son, who does not have a mental illness but did go through a bout of depression and anxiety in high school and subsequently behaved in an extraordinarily difficult and destructive manner, I can tell you it wasn't until HE made a personal decision to change things around that the change came. This and tough love on our part. It was extremely hard for us to do. It was extremely worth it as he totally turned his life around.

At times I wonder if tough love would of been more helpful with our daughter, who is mentally ill. We tended to pull back because we never knew what she was capable of. We didn't know if she was capable of doing better. We thought she very well could be capable of worsening. But, it nearly destroyed me/us to continue being any part of her insanity. And the belligerence is just too much. And my best guess all our help and care didn't help one bit. Pulling back (waaay back in our case) saved us and it gives her the opportunity to improve, find other resources to help herself and to grow should she want that. Our job is done.

Sometimes these challenging detours in life can provide what's needed to actually go on to the right path.
I hope your son can figure it all out. Perhaps his brothers will say something to him that will be a positive trigger. Perhaps his spiritual background will provide some grounding. In my heart of hearts, I don't think it is likely something that will come from something you or your husband might say to him. That's somewhat typical. But, there are good signs as he has known what it's like to be sober, to earn a paycheck, to have friends and family etc. He is likely to want that again.

 

[RN0441]

So I had texted son yesterday morning because I felt so sad and then of course worry about fentanyl and him just dying alone and us not knowing. I always go to worse case scenario.

I wrote "you are special, we love you and there is help for addiction". A while later he texted back and said "I'm going to be ok. Please don't let dad cancel the apartment".

I told him we needed to talk to him because we felt he is using pills. No one can get THAT high or be that WEIRD on weed alone.

I prayed so hard yesterday I thought I would burst. Very angry at God but sometimes we are.

We called him from husband's phone. He knows his dad holds him accountable so doesn't want to talk to him. Son was sober. We told him he needed to tell us WHAT that was. He said he had some pills and he used them and he's done and he knows they make him do bad things and he's not going to do that anymore. He said he was sorry. He has an interview today for a good full time job. He also talked about trading in his truck and downsizing vehicle which we had promoted. He is still working at Amazon.

We told him he needs help to overcome this and cannot do it alone. We said he needs to write us a letter/email telling us his plan.

He is at a hotel near our old town. It's not cheap but he has a credit card. HE has to figure this out and realize what he needs to do to get back on track and stay back on track.

I appreciate you all saying positive things about my son. I was not feeling positive for the past week but need to have faith that this happened for a reason. I just don't know.

 

[healinginside]

So I had texted son yesterday morning because I felt so sad and then of course worry about fentanyl and him just dying alone and us not knowing. I always go to worse case scenario.

I wrote "you are special, we love you and there is help for addiction". A while later he texted back and said "I'm going to be ok. Please don't let dad cancel the apartment".

I told him we needed to talk to him because we felt he is using pills. No one can get THAT high or be that WEIRD on weed alone.

I prayed so hard yesterday I thought I would burst. Very angry at God but sometimes we are.

We called him from husband's phone. He knows his dad holds him accountable so doesn't want to talk to him. Son was sober. We told him he needed to tell us WHAT that was. He said he had some pills and he used them and he's done and he knows they make him do bad things and he's not going to do that anymore. He said he was sorry. He has an interview today for a good full time job. He also talked about trading in his truck and downsizing vehicle which we had promoted. He is still working at Amazon.

We told him he needs help to overcome this and cannot do it alone. We said he needs to write us a letter/email telling us his plan.

He is at a hotel near our old town. It's not cheap but he has a credit card. HE has to figure this out and realize what he needs to do to get back on track and stay back on track.

I appreciate you all saying positive things about my son. I was not feeling positive for the past week but need to have faith that this happened for a reason. I just don't know.

Im not sure if this helps but my son did work at Amazon for a period of time last year and they have a very wacky scheduling system. They have some thing that’s called “volunteer time off” that they began offering my son very soon after he completed training. What Amazon would do with send my son a text message saying that they needed him to take volunteer time off now they do not get paid for volunteer time off, but they get brownie points from their supervisors because Amazon is overstaffed and when levels are low, they need people to volunteer to take time off. It was so frustrating for us as parents that wanted our son to be saving to get his own place. They started offering volunteer time off for almost every single shift and they keep texting him and offering it to him over and over. Hard for someone to resist especially on the weekend. I couldn’t help but think about the Amazon workers there that had families and children and mortgages etc. that could not afford to take the volunteer time off. Also, after working those 12 hour shifts, my son was more than happy to volunteer to take a day off. it was just one of those things about working at Amazon that many people don’t realize. even though it is a good job, they do not treat their employees well at all. I’m not saying that this is what happened with your son I’m just saying that this is what happened with my son and we immediately panicked and said “why aren’t you working !?!”…

 

[Crayola13]

He needs to figure out what led him to take the pills and why he feels the need to smoke pot. Whether it’s anxiety or the inability to wind down after work, etc. If he’s on an antidepressant maybe the dose should be increased. Sometimes there isn’t necessarily a reason or a stressor—sometimes the brain just makes an addict revert back to using drugs for reasons we don’t understand. The majority of the time it’s because of a stressor. I’m glad he still has the Amazon job. Is he doing anything after work or just crashing in front of the tv? He needs an outlet.

 

[RN0441]

He is staying in a hotel right now so not sure what he is doing. He is GOOD when he doesn't do pills which he stayed away from for 5 years. I think he'll do more being away from "mom" than he did here. This is a good experience for him in any case - time to grow up.

He does not have health insurance right now.

We just don't have the answers to the WHY's of addiction.

 

[Copabanana]

He is angry with us. Really??? No respect at all.

Welcome to my world RN. I can't believe I didn't see your thread until now. I am very sorry this has happened, that you have to deal with this (again) and that I missed your thread until now.

Dear RN
I just read Deni's post and I so admire the attitude and the stance that she describes. If I had the strength to act like her, I think this is what I would do. I think that her attitude about the credit card makes so much sense. I love the idea of a repayment plan. She is, right. You do not have to make this bigger than it is. You could respond, in such a way that you realize he has an addiction and maybe a mental illness (the anxiety) and that you normalize it. Hold him responsible without over-reacting. OH. I love this idea so much. I do not believe I am totally wrong in what I wrote, but I DO panic and overreact. I get brittle. My poor son.

I will leave what I wrote, but I will think about it and write again.

So he just charged over $1000 to our credit card for hotels....

OK, RN. This is a crime. I don't see how you can walk away from this, let alone involve yourself financially in a lease and co-sign an apartment if you are still considering this. Whether or not he was high when he used your card without consent, he is still responsible. I am not saying to involve the police, I am only asking, do you think he has to be held responsible for his actions, for his own good, his own recovery?

We want him to go back to Teen Challenge in Memphis. His dad will fly him there if he agrees.

I like this idea. But of course, only he can decide.

We don't think he's working anymore.

Are you sure he is?

I am angry at God for this too. Why is this happening again??

Because G-d can only do so much. Your son has his part to play, too.

Free will sucks…sucks for God and us as parents too.
Your son has more learning to do.

Yes.

"I'm going to be ok. Please don't let dad cancel the apartment".

How in the world can you guys be responsible for his apartment when he is still active in addiction?
His addiction (and he) are responsible for his behavior. This is not just an out-of-body experience. He needs more work. He needs a reset. He may need psychotherapy. He is the one who has to do this. Not his parents.

Although relapses happen five years out they don't HAVE to happen. I always wondered about marijuana and beer. But I don't get a vote. HE gets a vote, but he also holds the responsibility. I am very concerned about continuing along this plan, subsidizing the apartment, and his continuing to work, AS IF nothing happened, a do-over and all is well. It is not all well.

I realize there is a harm reduction view of treating addiction and continuing to support the addict.
But the thing is, they are adamant that the family not be in a position to be hurt.

There are two ways to look at this. We can look at it that he did these things when he was high. Or we can see it, as he was the one who decided to get high. If we have an illness, we are responsible for ourselves and the people who love us, to take care of ourselves in ways that promote healthfulness. Is he saying, no big deal, or is he concerned that his recovery may be in danger? It is sounding like the prior.

I am worried that we may be missing the forest for the trees here. The job and the apartment are the trees. The forest is the addiction, his life, and recovery.

I don't know. Maybe I am wrong. I know how I would feel. Taking away this chance from him, to be independent, to succeed, etc.

Except that would be a dangerous view, I think. There are signs in the forest that all is not well. I am only suggesting that we can't focus on the two trees (job and apartment) when not is all well in the forest.

I am worried. And I wouldn't know what to do either. I would be heartsick and frantic. But I feel confident for all the years that I have been here, in what I write.

I am so so sorry. I feel heartsick.

He can right this ship, and I believe and hope he will. But he has to be the one to do it. And I believe that will come from going back to the drawing board: the work of recovery. I really liked the part about going back to Memphis. But how does this happen? He is the one who makes the choices, here.

We as parents have to step back and allow them to live the lives that are theirs to have and to make, not the ones in our heads. (This is after reading Deni.) This is the piece I have been unable to let go of. I cannot seem to accept the son I have, as opposed to the son I would want. And it totally breaks my heart, really hurts him, and is unfair to him. It's as if I cannot mourn. How is this all so hard? I am so sorry that real life happens. (I am serious here.) Unfortunately.