had to get a restraining order

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by peg2, Feb 15, 2010.

  1. peg2

    peg2 Member

    I have not been posting lately as I was always complainig about my son verbally abusing me and I was not doing anything about it, so I waited until I was ready to do it. This will be short as I am devasted; I had to get a TRO Friday night against my 19 year old son; I have had enough!!!! I go to court tomorrow to try and get the permanent one, but even if I don't, he can not come back home. I tried and tried to get him to get help but I was enabling as well, so I am partially to blame. I reached the end of my rope and went to the police station, not intending to even request a TRO but they called the Judge(after hours) and he immediatley granted one, he was arrested on harassment charges too. I am sick and did not want it to come to this, but 2 years of being an adult has not changed anything and nothing will change until he gets medications and treatment.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Big hugs for you. I know this hurts. It is for the best, though. This isn't a failure on your part. It's a giant step towards everyone's freedom. His, too.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im so sorry it came to this. I am sure it hurts your mommy heart. Dont let guilt get in the way. You tried everything you could do to get him to accept help. Now he has to want to change. This can be his bottom to reach out for help to change.

    Big hugs.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I know what you did was difficult. Being around our kids is such an emotional pit...the rest of the world may not understand how it is, but we do. Sending you huge hugs for doing the best thing you could have possibly done for yourself, and consequently for your son.

    Sometimes it takes a thing like this to realize things you could not have possibly realized when you were living IN the chaos. I wish you healing and health. You have us behind you if you feel weak.

    Much love
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring and supportive thoughts your way. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. on the other hand, obviously something has to change and you have empowered yourself by taking this sad step. Here's hoping that your actions will initiate changes that will help your son become functional and able to move on. Hugs. DDD
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Gentle hugs, Peg.

  7. helpme

    helpme New Member

    Oh my! My heart aches for you.
    I'm so glad a judge issued it for you like this.
    I wasn't so lucky and had a long battle.

    Also, for other reading this article. It is sometimes
    very hard to get the defendant to get served.
    Give all information you possible can to make sure
    your harasser get's served WHEN you apply or are
    dealing with the police to help get the notice served.
    Ie: He walks over to the X gas station around five every
    day to get a pack of cigarettes, His best friend lives..
    He hangs out at this bar, His girlfriends works at X from
    X to Y, etcetera. My state will use this information
    and usually is appreciative they aren't sitting outside
    some house waiting on someone who isn't there.

    The worst situation to end up in is with a request for
    an OP/RO and not have the person served with it.
    Trust me, criminals will do all sorts of things not to get
    served. My ex told me that he had him already packed
    and on a "airplane". Ex wasn't fast enough cause the
    kid go in other trouble before he got to the airport.

    I know you love your son. There are so many long
    term consequences for ever being ordered an OP or RO.
    Personally, I was talked into the civil no contact order
    to start. Be careful there, because if you accept that,
    then your RO request tomorrow would be released
    most probably with PREJUDICE against you. You will
    also not be able to have your son arrested if he hurts you
    or your property in the future. You should
    definately talk to a lawyer or court representative if
    anyone even starts with civil proceedings (no contact)
    rather than criminal (RO/PO). Each state handles these
    issues entirely different than the next. But a civil order
    will protect you to receive damages (financially) from your
    son. The RO will affect him for the rest of his life.

    My first request would be for "remedies" (attempts to solve
    your son's problems), such as medication and counseling.
    Now is your chance to receive any state funding for drug
    testing, anger management, etcetera. Ask for all the help
    you can get, it can't hurt to ask.

    I also used time as a factor, since my son was a minor, and
    I knew all of his issues would be sealed at my state's legal
    age of 18, praying he would stop and that the ordeal would
    not be on his record for life. True, after looking back, I
    am so grateful I also ended up protecting a few of his
    girlfriends due to the OP that I had issued.

    But for you, maybe ask for remedies and an "interim" RO,
    that goes until a certain date, which later can be sorta dismissed
    in the end. True, it still hits is record for life, but any future
    charges won't be "magnified" as my state calls them.

    If you are asking for a "plenary"/permanent RO, I advise you
    to find someone or some support group. The emotional roller
    coaster is exhausting as well as the social/public/family

    Also, make sure you have all vehicle plate numbers and so forth
    that you drive. Add the neighbor's car if you sometimes borrow
    it. In regards to your schedule, if you work out every Tuesday
    night at a gym, make sure you add that information to your
    request. Sometimes we ran into trouble if the girls and I were
    at a town carnival and son was also there. The police would
    tell us that son hadn't done anything YET, and that the
    place we were at (a church) was not included in the OP.
    Add churches, laundromats, etc, if at all possible. Also,
    If you ever need to stay at your parents, make sure you add
    that in the paperwork somehow. Think of how you want
    the RO to actually protect you and find someway to get that
    information into the request paperwork.

    Also, if your child has or has been around firearms, make sure
    you personally follow up with your state to make sure
    all firearm cards and licenses are revoked. Also, it is very
    difficult to get a firearms card if you have an order you are
    convicted of, in comparison to a case that eventually is

    Most states have the paperwork on line. Have
    friends and family look over the paperwork to make sure
    you haven't missed anything. My state also did a good job
    each and every time of notifying the girls school within 2
    days of a court order. Some states seem to forget they
    are responsible for notifying schools and daycare. I know
    your kids are older and everything, but maybe this post
    will help others here as well.

    Get educated. Arrive early to see how the judge acts for
    other cases. And please, please remember that everyone here
    is wishing the best for you and your family.
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs. I'm sorry it came to this, but I believe you've done the right thing. If you haven't already, you might check with the courthouse and local police on a victims' rights group in your locality, or the local domestic violence shelter. You need all the support you can get right now, and both types of organizations have people to help you get through this.
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am sorry it came to this but you are correct sometimes enough is too much. You did not deserve his abuse and he needs to understand that you mean business when you say you will no longer tolerate it. You can always have the RO lifted when he has proven he is capable of treating you well. Hugs. -RM
  10. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Lots of advice,Help me-thanks. Thanks to everyone for all support. I will see a hearing officer tomorrow to see if she will grant the permenent order; if not, I can ask to go before the Judge. All I really want is him to be court ordered to get help and not to live with me, for now. But we will see; I don't need a lawyer, and he can't afford one. My goal is for him to get help but he can't live with me. I will see what is put before me, but I am admanant about him not coming home for now. I will request a drug screening and for him to be admitted to the hospital. at least for a psy. screening but don't know how that will go over. In any event, he isn't coming home to me so if I have to file eviction procdeures I will. I have some papers from an adolescent psychiatrist with a diagnosis, even though it is some years ago. I don't have anything recent because he is an adult, so not sure what I can push for because he is an adult;anyone know what leeway you have to request help for an "adult".
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Once they are an adult most treatment has to be on a voluntary basis unless they are a threat to themselves or to others. Judge can order him in for an evaluation but if he doesn't meet the criteria to be held against his will he can leave after 24 hours. I have been in your shoes and it is a hard place to be. -RM
  12. peg2

    peg2 Member

    i know it is entirely diff. once they reach adulthood, thus ,the problems we have now. I had no other choice, so if push comes to shove, I will ask for the permenent ro, but I would rather it go another way. This is devastating!!!
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Wishing you luck today. This is so hard. But it IS the right thing to do. At some point they must learn they cannot continue to abuse people, not even verbally. THey also have to learn that parents are people.

    Hugs and prayers are with you.
  14. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Thank you, I will be off to court in 45 minutes!! Stomach is in knots......
  15. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Back from court,Judge issued the final rest.order. He just read the list of text messages that I had written down(asked my son if he sent them), said he did, then questioned my son why he did it. Anyway, said he did go over the line but I yell and scream all the time,that is why!!!!!!!!! Was hard for me to see him but Judge decided he his intent was to harass me. My son even said, if the ro is issued he wanted the money my mom had left all 3 boys(which she did). Judge said to him, "is that the same geandmom said wanted to die? Several times, mind you. Son said he just wants the money to ge ton with his life, Judge said you want he rto die but still want her money. I feel sick and am not happy, but must live with htis decision. I do not question it and know I would have continued to be abused for years to come.
  16. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Peg, my heart and prayers are with you. It sure does feel like our kids check their brain and respect for others at the door when they have to interact with authority figures.

    You did the right thing, please keep us posted.
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Peg.
  18. peg2

    peg2 Member

    I'm just sick about this but will re-read the text messages and remember all the disrespect he showed to me and know I did the right thing. He's my youngest child and I feel as if I have lost him forever.
    So sad.
    Thanks for all the support.
  19. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs to you, Peg.
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    This took a lot of strength and courage. I am proud of you for going through with it, even though it hurts like the dickens. Hopefully someday he will realize how awful he is being and change his ways. It took until he was in his mid 30's and landed in jail twice in ten days and then went to rehab for my bro to straighten out. If HE can come as far as he has, your son can come around too.

    More hugs.