Handcuffed difficult child 2 had a chat with the cop yesterday

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rlsnights, Oct 17, 2009.

  1. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    difficult child 2 got physical Thursday evening after a day and a half of increasingly irritable and hypomanic behavior. We called 911 when he kicked in one of the doors. PD didn't arrive for 25 minutes and by then he had crashed and was inside asleep. So I talked to the officers and they left.

    Friday we were supposed to go out of town (3 hour drive up to small town in mountains) to attend 80th birthday party for Grandpa and Great-Aunt. Didn't get 2 miles from home before we turned around and came back. difficult child 3/easy child went out of her way to pick a fight with difficult child 2 who of course obliged her. All over a bag of chex mix I didn't know difficult child 2 had brought with him. Of course there was only one bag.

    So I stayed home with difficult child 2 who had been beating on the back of his sister's car seat and stood up in the minivan and got physically threatening. SO, difficult child 3/easy child and oldest difficult child 1 went on without us. The plan was for difficult child 2 and I to drive up separately after he calmed down.

    Didn't happen. Instead difficult child 2 escalated. I refused to let him play video games - when he's like this they just agitate him further. So he started shoving me around and when I retreated to my bedroom with the deadbolt locked pounded on the door telling me he was going to break it down and beat me up. I was really hoping that if I withdrew and didn't respond to him he'd de-escalate on his own so I just stayed quiet while he beat on the door.

    After a couple minutes he stopped and I could hear him leave the house. Waited a couple more minutes and went out to see what was going on. He wasn't in the house. So I picked up the phone and went to the front door which was standing wide open. Started to step out onto the porch when difficult child 2 came around the front corner of the garage with a 3' length of heavy PVC pipe. As soon as he saw me he started rushing at me yelling that he was going to beat me up. I was able to yank the security door shut (who knew I would be glad I installed the ugly thing so I could keep my own son out :() and he beat on the security door with the pipe while I called 911.

    I talked to the 911 dispatcher where my son could hear me describe him as a mentally ill 13 yo. He yelled at me to stop talking to the dispatcher and telling her stuff about him. By the time I had hung up he was beating on the 3 year old trees in the front yard with the pipe. Then he stood where I could see him and picked up the garden hose, wrapped it around his neck and pulled on the ends like he was trying to kill himself. Lots of high drama.

    Eventually he wound down some and then completely disappeared from view. After 10 minutes I cautiously stepped outside to see if he'd taken off down the street. Won't do that again. Anyway once I got off the front porch and was able to see down the street he came out from behind the car and ran past me into the house. Locked the security door and told me he wanted me to know how it felt to be locked out of my own house.

    I just stood several feet away and didn't respond until he started crying (predictable at that point) and then asked him to open the door which he did. Then he left the house and ran into the backyard. I watched from inside the house as he took off his sox and sat with his feet in the cold pool, curled up tight sobbing.

    Since I was locked inside my house and they had a simultaneous shooting to deal with it took the cops about 25 minutes to get there again. The officer that came was one of the ones from the night before. While I was talking to him at the front door difficult child 2 came in from the backyard cause he heard the doorbell ring.

    I called him into the dining room and the cop confronted him there. When difficult child 2 gave him attitude the cop just put him in handcuffs with no warning or fuss.

    Whoa - that got difficult child 2's attention let me tell you. He started blustering and crying and the cop just stood there for a couple minutes and then told him to shut the f&*& up. So stupid kid difficult child 2 uses profanity back at the cop who tells him he doesn't get to talk that way to the cop and to shut up.

    Anyway, long story shorter, this was an absolutely great cop. He spent almost 30 minutes here talking to difficult child 2. He tried to get difficult child 2 to talk to him about what had caused difficult child 2 to get angry - got a little out of him but not much. Tried to get difficult child 2 to calm himself down with breathing and not talking - worked but took a long time. Let difficult child 2 tell his side and then made difficult child 2 sit and listen while I told mine. difficult child 2 admitted my version was mostly right (his was considerably different of course). The cop told difficult child 2 I owned difficult child 2 and this time it would be up to me whether difficult child 2 went with the cop or not. But the cop and I told difficult child 2 that if I had to call them again, difficult child 2 would be going to juvey whether he belonged there or not.

    Cop spent at least 5 minutes trying to really talk to difficult child 2 after he'd calmed down. Took the cuffs off him and got down on his level (difficult child 2 was sitting on the floor in a heap). Told difficult child 2 his family were the only people who really cared about him and he shouldn't do this to his family cause he needed them. We were the ones who were going to take care of him if he got beat up by somebody. We were the ones who were going to get called to bail him out if he got taken to jail.

    Also told him that he had an anger issue and it didn't matter what his diagnosis was that it was difficult child 2's choice how to handle things and that difficult child 2 had to decide he wasn't going to let other people get to him. That difficult child 2 had to get help with the anger and find somebody to talk to about his problems and feelings. Told difficult child 2 that everybody had problems, he wasn't any different from anyone else. He was going to have to learn to handle the problems or his life was going to be really hard. Said he (the officer) was ADHD but he didn't let that run him. Told difficult child 2 if he didn't learn to handle things better he was going to see the back of a squad car a lot and spend time in jail with people who were MUCH bigger fish. Talked about the killers and gang members that difficult child 2 might end up in jail with.

    So I agreed to let difficult child 2 stay and the cop left.

    I was really upset about missing the family gathering. I made difficult child 2 do a bunch of chores and lay down for an hour. When he did all that calmly without a fuss, even slept a bit, I decided that I was going to go ahead and drive us up.

    Everything went fine for the first 90 minutes. Then he got a little mad when I wouldn't turn the radio to his station. After I finished listening to my show I changed the channel but we lost the signal pretty soon after that. We started talking a little and eventually he started saying how he couldn't ever do anything right. I went through the litany of things he was doing right/making good choices. He continued to insist he was picked on, etc and I refused to go along with that. Told him HIS behavior had a lot to do with what was happening in his life. He tried to blame his sister. I said his sister was not even in the same town when I called the cops this afternoon so there was no way he could blame that on her.

    Things went downhill from there but not very far or for very long. When we went from conversation to him being defiant and disrespectful I told him I wasn't taking him to the family gathering if he continued to do that or if I thought he was going to behave that way up there. He accused me of keeping him from going to his grandfather's party for no reason and promised he would act any way he pleased up there.

    Turned the car around and came back home. He carried on for a while but never got violent and finally fell asleep.

    Last night about an hour after we got home (difficult child 2 went straight to bed and was out like a light in 3 minutes) I discovered that I don't have any of my medications and only have part of his medications. The missing medications are in the stuff that got packed. I was in a hurry and just tossed a couple of bottles into the communal medications bag while we were packing and it did not even occur to me to go grab those bottles back out before SO left Friday evening.

    GAH!!! So this morning I am trying to figure out what to do. There is no way I can go the whole weekend without my own medications or him without all of his. I don't see any solution but to go up there. No refills pending that I can call in early. No way I can get partials - called and asked the pharmacy and they said if I got partials on the 5 essential medications for the two of us for the next 2 days it would be over $150 - crazy - the insurance won't cover any of it of course.

    So I am going to wake up difficult child 2 and try to drive up there. Don't know what I'm going to do about letting him go to the party.

    Wish me luck folks.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Why didn't you have him admitted to the psychiatric hospital? He sounds very unstable.
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Patricia, I understand your need to call the cops to keep everyone safe, but I'm confused by your thought that you can "scare" these behaviors out of difficult child 2. I agree with JJJ that he sounds very unstable and may need hospitalization. That means medication changes and therapy, not juvy and punishment. Have you talked to difficult child 2's psychiatrist about what went on? Do you have an appointment coming up? That would be high on my priority list if hospitalization is not in the picture.
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Wow. Sounds like an evening from hades. I do think that you both need your medications, especially now.

    I also agree wits sw and jjj. He does not sound stable at all, and at the least needs a medication tweak from what you are saying in my humble opinion.

    It is hard when one child is triggering the other on purpose. easy child has gotten really bad about this with difficult child.
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Good luck, Patricia. :( I'm so sorry. Please check in when you get back.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This is a very scary situation. I totally understand how scared you must have felt when you called the police. Have been there myself up to the point where I said my son could not come home. It is hard no matter what you do.

    I do think that your son is going to see juvy and/or jail unless you get him stabilized. You cannot do it at home at this point. He will know you are reluctant to put him in jail, even juvy, and may use this against you.

    I realize that you probably called the police because the degree of the violence was so high, it was after hours and on a Friday so no message would be returned until Monday or later. It is very good that you got a really good officer. Not all of them are that good. Now you must sit and make some decisions and plans. First off you need to call and leave a message for the psychiatrist and any tdocs you are seeing. Then you need to make a safety plan.

    How are you and SO going to keep everyone safe at all times?

    What help do you need from family, friends, police, doctors, etc....?

    What tools do you need? Nanny cam? Personal alarms? Room alarms for at night?

    What supplies do you need to stave off problems until the docs can help (it might be that the doctor says go to a hospital now, or try this medication change and wait on the hospital. If you wait, then you need to continue to keep everyone safe for an extended period of time.

    As for my supply suggestions - go and get some of the nutrition bars with a 40-30-30 ratio of carb-fat-protein. Balance bars and Zone Perfect bars are this way. The balance bar gold caramel nut blast is actually quite yummy (I say this - I hate ALL "health" food but these taste like a snickers. Not the same, but good enough for my picky eating.) and my kids LOVE most of the chocolate and choc peanut butter flavors. husband likes all the flavors. Keep these locked up. Use them when kids are tired and PROTEIN is not easily available. Or when they have gotten into a lot of sugar. These will take some of the edge off, provide enough sweet to take the edge off a sweet tooth, and can defuse a cranky child who is tired and hungry. They are not cheap. I think of them as medicine because they CAN help my kids not meltdown or explode due to tiredness, too much sugar, too much activity, etc...

    Planning can help until you get help from the docs. Please call them ASAP and do what you can to keep difficult child calm.

    The way he hid and rushed at you, first with the PVC pipe and then to lock you out is very very scary. He is going to end up hurting someone unless you get him intensive help very very soon. I do recommend that next time you must call the police you do NOT do it where he can hear it. Also if he is locked out so you can call the police you must NOT open the door until the police come. How would you handle things if he managed to seriously hurt you when he rushed you? What if he killed you? Are you ready for everyone to have to deal with that tragedy? I don't think anyone wants that to happen. But he is big enough and strong enough to do real harm, esp with a weapon like the pipe.

    by the way, if he got the pipe from the yard or shed or garage, you need to try to get it under lock and key. Same with other stuff that can be a weapon.

    Many hugs, keep in touch so we know you are OK!!

  7. Christy

    Christy New Member

    ((((Hugs)))) to you! What a couple of days. I hope things are going okay there. I agree with other posters that your son does not sound stable and while I can appreciate the officer's attempt to scare your son straight. I worry that it will have little effect in his current state of irritability and aggression. The hospital may be necessary, especially if you are without his medication. Have you contacted the psychiatrist about his current escalating mood? Stay safe.

    Suz, I love the protein bar idea and plan to keep some on hand. My difficult child tends to melt down more easily when he's had a lack of protein.
  8. compassion

    compassion Member

    This is my experience:safety first. I would not drive with my difficult child when that unstable and I have tried:the steering wheel has gotton grabbed,tried to choke me, very scary.
    Like Smallwworkd, it is my epreince of ill, not bad. I also agree with locking stuff up / Is there anyone you can leave him with or watch him so you can go to the gathering? My difficult child does not act out that way wually with others.
    Protect you,have a safety plan. This is exhauting. Compasson
  9. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    Tx all. difficult child 2 edgy but ok. Been on benadryl all day.talked to psychiatrist. Said to go to psychiatric hospital if repeat. Once cops called they get to call the shots. Didn't ask them to scare him but most 5' tal. Kids wld b when cuffed by 6' cop. We don't have emergency psychiatric facility the cops can use - budget cuts.

    Talked backup psychiatrist fri am - he just said to do abilify prn + ben.

    Problem with-taking him to phos. When they get violent kids in they just label them odd tell you ur bad parent and kick them back out. with-out our psychiatrist back up tough to go to psychiatric hospital + he won't go voluntarily.

    On handheld - will post more tomorrow. We expect trouble when we get back and will do psychiatric hospital if possible.
  10. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    difficult child 2 is back to nearly normal if you can believe it. Finally talked to our psychiatrist Saturday morning and she said I should have hospitalized him last night. One of my many mistakes the evening before was not doing this but I had my reasons - mainly our past negative experience with the psychiatric hospital he would have gone to.

    Upped his Abilify all weekend and gave him about 250 mg Benadryl between Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon.

    Don't know if the combo worked or he just naturally cycled down.

    And of course now I am having anxiety attacks in my sleep. Woke up the last two nights after only 4-5 hours of disturbed sleep gasping and heart racing.

    Have an appointment with my own therapist this morning, difficult child 2's therapist this afternoon and our family psychiatrist tomorrow. Bless my own foresight in scheduling lots of appts far in advance cause it can take weeks to get into our psychiatrist.

    I HATE this disease.

    Right now I am thinking that he is ultra-rapid or ultradian cycling with the rages being a mixed mood episode. When he gets like he was on Thursday and Friday nights he crashes directly into feeling suicidal and incredibly ashamed - which is exactly my pattern when I have a really bad mixed episode, regardless of whether I've been emotionally/verbally hurtful to others during the mixed episode.

    I'm thinking he's doing OK at school cause it's the hypomanic phase and he just looks oh so productive and happy to all the teachers. Did I mention that he's getting ALL his homework done before he leaves school cause he does it during class? Then by late afternoon he's up to irritable and sometimes just stays at the irritable hypomanic stage and other times shifts up into a mixed episode which is when we get the big rages.

    And just to make sure the waters are muddied, we have a big dose of anxiety thrown in for good measure. Who wouldn't be anxious?

    Sent a 5 page e-mail to the psychiatrist and therapist last night with all the gory details. We'll see what they think.
  11. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Glad he's doing better and that you're able to get in to see people today. Talk about good timing! Maybe he just needs to be on a higher dose of Abilify? I hope it's something as simple as that.

    Hopefully your anxiety will level out after you've had time to talk to your therapist and process all of this, as well as see some stabilization in Badger. It's hard for us Warrior Moms to hold it together 24/7 when everything around us is going to pieces.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    While my son wasnt physically violent he was very difficult in other ways which caused us to have to have him removed from our home several times over the years during his teen years. It was an extremely difficult time back then. He did cycle often from giddy to impulsive to irritable to angry all the time. When he did, so did I. I can understand why you had to call the cops. I used to have my sons case manager on speed dial. I didnt start calling the cops until he was an adult though. I didnt need to.
  13. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    Spoke too soon. He's irritable already - hit his sister with his backpack really hard and is refusing to go to school. Also refusing to cooperate with anything at home. We're letting him stay home at this point - he says he will lose it at school otherwise.

    Talked to psychiatrist who says don't make him go to school, give him benadryl and if he doesn't stabilize to get him to psychiatric hospital even if I have to call cops to take him.
  14. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Sounds like a good plan. Thinking of you.
  15. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Update when you can. Hope you're both o.k.
  16. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    Well difficult child 2 crashed into depression by 9 am and spent the morning sitting in a chair looking very sad. Didn't have to give him any more benadryl. He said he was so tired that he didn't have the energy to fight with his sister. I had to keep him close all day and give him a lot of attention so I didn't have a chance to post earlier.

    We went to see his therapist at 2:30. He was less depressed by then but still looked tired and sad. Went into therapy session that way and came out hypomanic. Giggling and silly.

    therapist said "he's on the bus but he's not in the driver's seat" and said difficult child 2 needs a big medication change ASAP. He felt that difficult child 2 is clearly rapid cycling BiPolar (BP) and in a severe cycle right now. I think difficult child 2's probably earned a BP1 diagnosis at this point. Talked to therapist about dropping him to a partial school day while we tried to get him stable on medications and he thought that was a good idea.

    On the way home difficult child 2 got edgy and anxious. By late afternoon he was a bizarre combo of giggly and angry. He managed to hold it together through the evening although we had a couple tense moments. He's gone to bed now.

    We have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow at 11:30 am. I talked to her on the phone early this morning and she agreed it was best to keep him home. She said if he got aggressive and violent that he needed to be hospitalized. I told her it would take a cop with a gun and handcuffs to get him there and she agreed we should try to manage him at home for now.

    I know she'll be making major medication changes but it's tough to do mood stabilizers with him because of the Crohn's. Not sure what she's going to suggest since we were both hoping the Lamictal was going to do the trick.

    Of course difficult child 2's annual IEP meeting is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I don't see how I can go with difficult child 2 in this state. Can't take him into the meeting and can't leave him alone. I don't feel comfortable leaving him with any of our friends given his recent violence - they all have kids or are much older than us and could not deal with any aggression from him.

    I'll see what the psychiatrist thinks about going to a partial school day and whether we need to hospitalize him to do medication changes. If she agrees, I will e-mail the RSP and tell them I want him on a partial day schedule starting ASAP that hopefully will be temporary, provisions in the IEP for him to miss school due to BP1 and Crohn's without penalty and for them to discuss the possibility of moving him to a different school away from his twin sister. She is sabotaging things constantly because she is so angry and sorry for herself. I'm trying to be sympathetic but am worn thin and her acidic remarks, passive aggressive behavior and defiance when there are safety issues has me wanting to slap her silly.

    Thanks for all the suggestions and concern for me and difficult child 2. I really appreciate them. I'll just have to take things moment to moment and hope we can find a medication that works on the first try.
  17. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    difficult child 2 woke up angry and hostile. Says he wants to go to school and won't go to psychiatrist appointment. Told me if he misses lunch (psychiatrist appointment is at his lunch time) then he will explode. Also told me if he EVER misses lunch during the school week he will explode.

    I had hoped he could go for his first two class periods which are RSP math and art. Not sure whether I'm going to push him to go. On the one hand I don't want him to explode at school, on the other hand they have only seen him in productive, happy hypomanic mode and are incredulous that his behavior outside of school is so different. I don't know for sure he would continue to appear hostile and angry at school but it might be helpful for them to see him in that mood for a change.

    I have to go get dressed now. I'll have to make a decision about school in the next 20 minutes. I may let him decide like I did yesterday unless it is really clear to me that it would be bad for him to go.
  18. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Would a bribe for lunch out today work to gain his cooperation?

    Good luck!