Hanging up the armor

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AngelaMia, Oct 24, 2007.

  1. I'm done. I'm hanging up the armor. We've all heard the saying "never give up", but I've decided that for my own survival, I have to do this.

    difficult child left the program again, got high again and got a tattoo (for free?!?!?!) He called last night at 12:15 and asked me to come and get him. In my sleepy haze, I agreed. He copped to everything he did and played Mr. Contrite. I didn't buy it but I didn't say anything. I'm just too tired of this to care. I faxed a letter to him this morning at the program.

    Dear difficult child –

    I’ve given up on expecting you to care about how your actions affect other people. You’ve never cared about that before so I figure it’s too late to expect that now.

    You always tell people that you love me so much and you would do anything for me. All I want from you is to save <u>yourself</u>. I am tired of working at saving your life while you sit back and let me do all the work. You’re not even trying. There are answers to all of your questions, you just won’t put in the effort to look for, let alone find the answers.

    If I had to do last night all over again, I would not have picked you up. You need to face your actions and deal with the consequences. You have NO idea how close you are to disaster and it appears that you don’t care. Why should I have to fight so hard for you and pick up the pieces for you, when you keep creating the problems yourself?

    Yes, I am angry. I don’t care about the tattoo (that does not mean you should go out and get more), I care that you totally disregard your future. I have fought to get you help for YEARS, yet you continue on as if you are still 16 and you have no responsibilities and no idea what is going on. You KNOW what is going on, you just choose not to deal with it. You have no choice now.

    If you really want to go inpatient, you will have to call your DMHAS worker. I cannot do this for you anymore. I don’t think you need to go inpatient; the real world will still be here when you get out and I think you’re trying to hide from it. It’s your choice. If you need your medications changed, you have to tell someone what is going on inside you, otherwise, they cannot help. I’m sorry if you’re feeling so bad inside, but only YOU can fix that. Only YOU. I can’t tell the doctor how you’re feeling. I wonder if you say that about your medications only because you think that’s what I want to hear.

    You need to step up to the plate and do the things you know you need to do. If you want to hang out in our town and get high, then you’ll end up in jail. If you want to hang out and not get a job, you’ll be homeless. Last night in bed I faced the fact that I cannot and do not want to do this anymore. I am done.

    I love you, you are my child. If you make the right choices I will be there to cheer you on. If you make the wrong choices I will stay away to protect my heart. You can only come here when I am home. If you chose to come here, you come HERE, not in and out to hang out with your “friends”. If you’d rather hang out with them, then don’t come here at all.

    No more rides, no more money, no more anything. I will get you one carton of cigarettes a week and that’s it. No more. You have to do this on your own. I am not giving up on you, I am pushing you out of the nest and MAKING you depend on yourself instead of always coming back to me.

    I never say what I want to say because I am afraid of hurting your feelings. At this point, I realize that you don’t care about my feelings or wants or needs, why should I concern myself with yours?

    You have been using and abusing me for years and it is going to stop. I told you I didn’t have any money yet you continue to ask. I told you I wouldn’t drive you anymore but you still asked. I told you that I didn’t want you coming here during the day but you did anyway. Obviously, what I say means nothing to you.

    I have bills to pay so I have to work. I can’t say that I’m uncomfortable in a meeting (even if I am) and just leave. I have responsibilities and so do you. Your FIRST responsibility is to take care of yourself. Even if it :censored2: or if it makes you unhappy or it’s not pleasant, you have no choice.

    It’s time for you to be a man. Take the easy way and end up a failure or put in the effort and end up someone you can be proud of. It’s really that simple. Daily living isn’t so easy, but you have to look at the big picture. What do you want for yourself? Stop making stupid decisions and think about what you want for your life.

    I know that I can't have him in my life anymore. I'm not strong enough to stick by my own rules and he knows how to play me. I'm very sad, but I am relieved that I have made this decision. Let the chips fall where they may, it will be his choice.

    Letting go and letting God.

  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I so understand how you feel. My difficult child seems to pull the same stuff over and over. He is sorry when he gets caught, but then goes out and does the same thing again! I too am tired. You are doing the right thing for right now. I know you are tired of having to take care of him. He is an adult. He is not responsibility anymore. Take care of yourself. Big hug for your mommy heart.
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Great letter. I hope he reads and understands it. I am so sorry you are pushed to write it, though.

  4. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    he's lucky to get the cigs. I wrote ant today and told him he cant live with me anymore.
  5. mom_in_training

    mom_in_training New Member

    Wow, Well said, He is lucky to be getting ciggs. Is your reason of supplying the cigs a way of keeping up with him weekly? Just curious. Its hard to have to do what you are doing but very necessary to actually help him figure things out. I had to do the same with my difficult child, Let go and allow for her to save herself. In the end after hitting her rock bottom she did just that by her own free will and is doing very well today, No drugs, Alcohol and surely allot healthier.
  6. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    That sounds exactly like me! That is an awesome letter. I wish I could print it and send it to my son. I know how you feel. I feel the exact same way. My son is in jail now for the millionth time. I wrote him a letter the other day saying I would try and call programs for him, nor his probation officer, nor his Voc Rehab lady, nor would I help him anymore until he tried to help himself - then I would be there for him. I havae done everything for 7 years to help him - rehab, doctors, church, talking to judges, probation officers, police, everyone - I am just about so done with it. I understand.
  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Ditto to everywoman!!
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    Sweetie, what you did is the toughest thing any mom can do.

    You did not hang up your armor. You just put on a second layer. And good for you.
  9. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Your letter is perfect. This is the ultimate detachment letter.

    I hear that you love him but that you are finished enabling him.

    Kudos for you.

    Hugs from me.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    I get the letter, except the cigs part. Why?

    Good for you for detaching and saving your own sanity!

    Way To Go!
  11. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    just curious...would others in the program see this fax you sent?
  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I totally agree. You didn't hang up your armor, you actually tripled it.

    Great job. Do not allow yourself to take off one piece of that armor.

    One very important thing I learned from my counselor last night is that nobody can do anything to you unless you allow it. He can't make you feel guilty if you don't allow it. He can not manipulate you if you don't allow it.

    Just keep telling yourself that you will not allow him to destroy your life.

    You can do it. I know you can.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This is a wonderful way to enable your son to be the kind of man he wants to be. NOT to enable him to be a drug-using failure.

    SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!! It must be very hard. It is yet another way you are a wonderful warrior mom.


  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Excellent!!!! I agree with BBK you didn't hang up your armor you reinforced it. I think you are doing absolutely the right thing. Keep seeing your therapist and keep taking care of you. Things will get better. (HUGS) -RM
  15. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member


    Sending mega hugs your way. You definitely have not hung up your armor. You're still wearing it proudly, but have put the ball in difficult child's court.

    This has been a long, tough road for you. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.