Happy Birthday to My difficult child

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by NOLA, Dec 3, 2007.

  1. NOLA

    NOLA New Member

    Happy Birthday difficult child

    Today is difficult child’s 17th birthday – he called earlier this evening and we spoke for 54 minutes. He’s been gone now for 109 days. He says he is doing fine, hasn’t abandoned his family, it’s just we don’t understand the way things are. He is not going to be the robot son we want (like going to school and not taking drugs) – oops, I mean he doesn’t take drugs, because weed isn’t a drug. He sees no need for an education ‘right now.’ HE WANTS TO BE HAPPY. And he is happy living with his friends and just hanging out. When asked what his plans are his response is “I don’t have a plan-this isn’t forever, it’s just what I want for right now”. He would really like to come home but he can’t because a) he would have to face the consequences and b) he does not want to stop smoking weed and he realizes that would cause problems.

    When asked what he’s doing for money (since he has no job, no id, etc.) he finally admitted he’s a “middle man” he just hooks friends up with other friends that happen to have drugs for sale. He actually said he’s not really selling because he never has possession of the product – it’s like a finder’s fee.

    When asked about the possible consequences for his actions he said “I have just as good a chance as everybody else to not get caught” – it’s basically a risk worth taking in order to be happy. I reminded him that when he does get caught he will go to big jail not juvenile any longer. Didn’t faze him in the least.

    I lost it a few times – even scared myself – it started off okay but the more I heard him speak the angrier I became. I demanded explanations – I cursed him and told him he will wish he was in a juvenile detention center when I get a hold of him – I asked ‘who the ---- did he think he was to do this to our family’ – I think you get the picture. Far cry from inviting him for coffee but who are we kidding.

    I really am shot – I feel like just crawling under a rock and staying there forever. This is not what was supposed to happen.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I am SO very sorry for your hurting heart. I wish I had some advice. I believe you did the right thing in letting him know that you are angry.

    Both of you will be in my prayers.
  3. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    I'm sorry Nola. It is sooo exhausting isn't it?

    I've crawled under that rock. I stayed there for a while. Trouble was my situation crawled in with me. Eventually we have to come out from under our rocks and face the lives our kids have chosen.

    Get yourself some good support. Join AlAnon or Families Anonymous. Find a great therapist. Find another mom whose been where you are.

    This isn't what was supposed to happen. I thought those very words so many times. I'm sure it was especially hard given it was his birthday. I'm sure it is especially hard with the holidays looming.

    No advise - just hugs.
  4. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    NOLA: OMG! It's good that you finally got to talk with him, but, wow, I'm sure that's not what you expected. BBK and GG said my thoughts exactly. I'm sorry for your mommy heart...
  5. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Hey NOLA, I understand how demoralizing it is to listen to all the rationalizations for basically wasting his life. been there done that with becoming so angry on the phone with a knucklehead who thinks (s)he has it all figured out. Thoughts and prayers of support to you, your family, and for difficult child to come to his senses, although it doesn't seem that he's going to change until reality conks him over the head with a 2X4. Right now he thinks he's got a good thing going.

    PS - He never has possesion of the product? Who does he think he's fooling (besides himself)? If he's brokering deals he's involved right up to his eyebrows whether he wants to admit it or not. Sounds like another Yogi the Stoner (he's smarter than the average pothead, or so he believes) who thinks he's outsmarted the law.
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm so sorry. You shouldn't be the one under the rock, your idiot son should. Sadly, his day will come and he will discover that reality bites. He's not living in a world where success comes to many and it certainly doesn't come to the "middle man."

    I hope you find time to indulge yourself a little. You certainly deserve it.
  7. Paris

    Paris New Member

    OMG! I can't believe this is happening to someone else. I felt like I was reading about my own son, only my son just talks about leaving.

    I don't understand what is so great about hanging out with your friends smoking pot all day??? Do these kids ever want a life???

    You are so brave. Hang in there. I have no advice, because what I'm doing is not working. Your post helped me though, now I don't feel so alone. I hope you find some support to ease your pain.

    Paris- 40, single mom
    difficult child- 18 tomorrow, bipolar, cd, on Zyprexa when takes it.
    easy child- 15, girl, no problems
  8. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member


    I've been there done that and come out the other side ... knocking on wood that my son stays drug free. It is a scary way to live.

    Sending many hugs your way,
  9. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Thinking of you NOLA and saying some prayers.

    No...this is not the way it should be. It shouldn't be this way for any of us. But...it is what it is.

    Keep you and your posessions safe and all you can do at this point is the Let go and Let God. When the time is right and difficult child is ready for some Do To Get....then you can assist.

    You can't even comprehend what difficult child is thinking or doing because it is so incomprehensible.

    Sending (((sunny hugs)))
  10. NOLA

    NOLA New Member

    thanks guys -- you will never know how much your posts mean to me :smile: it really helps me get through the days

    he called again last night = we spoke for 1/2 hour or so without any regrettable dialog - it is what is is i guess

    Question to ponder: he wants to know if i'll give him his ss
    # and a copy of his birth cert so he can "get a job"

    Would you?
  11. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Yup I would. They are his I suppose. Just be sure to keep the originals in a safe place. Once they're lost it's a real pain to replace them.

    Glad you had a 'nice' conversation. That is improvement.

    How are you feeling about all of this with the holidays approaching? Did he mention what he'd be doing for Christmas?