:( 'Happy Christmas'

[Lost in sadness]

Hi

It;s been a few days. I took all your advice and told my son he cannot came for Christmas. I dropped his presents off in his shed yesterday at 4pm, he was still in bed. I knocked the door and a house mate answered - he was not friendly. I asked if I could put some food in his freezer, he grunted. It made me sad there was not a scrap to eat. What has he been living on? Maybe that is why he is bed, nothing to get up for, not even food. Heartbroken. I went home, got into a massive row with my husband and then left and stayed at my mums last night. Come home this morning to find his case packed. He has had enough. Says I am obsessed with my son and I have thrown everything else away. He is going to his own parents for Christmas and then going abroad for a bit. I could not stop crying - I tried to repair but he says he is fed up with being my 'emotional punchbag'. Guess he has a point, I have been vile in the past. I am lost and sad. Back to my user name eh?

Happy Christmas to me.

I wish you all peace and happiness over what is a very hard and emotional time and I am sorry I have not replied to anyone else. I simply have nothing left. Nothing. xxx

 

[tryingtobreathe]

I have no advice to give. Just love and support during a difficult time. I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this at once...with any of it at all.
May you find some sort of peace in the days, weeks and months to come

 

[New Leaf]

Dearest Los,
I am so sorry for these recent events and everything that has led up to all of your sadness.

What has he been living on? Maybe that is why he is bed, nothing to get up for, not even food. Heartbroken.

It is sad to see our adult children in this state. The thing is, we have absolutely no control over how our kids live when they leave the nest. Especially so, when their choice is to party their lives away. I spent years fighting the mess my two got themselves into, accepting them in my home, devastated over their choices to party, party, party. It was like a virus that infected our household and there was nothing to stop it. No amount of giving, "helping" made them change the course they chose. I had to detach. I am still working on that and slip up from time to time, falling into the sadness of it all. Holidays are especially difficult because we all want our family to be whole. Those images of Happy Christmas dinners taunting those of us in this predicament.

I went home, got into a massive row with my husband and then left and stayed at my mums last night. Come home this morning to find his case packed. He has had enough. Says I am obsessed with my son and I have thrown everything else away.

I am so sorry for this. It is hard when all focus is on trying to move a stubborn mule (our d cs). Seems the harder we push, the less they do, the more we become entangled in their consequences. I think that life is full of lessons to be learned, the hardest ones involving our beloveds. The end of your story is not yet written. Moments in time when all seems lost can eventually become a pivot point, where we grab hold of ourselves and figure out what we really need. For us. To grow. To change, to learn.
"Sometimes when you are in a dark place, you feel like you have been buried, but you've actually been planted."

I could not stop crying - I tried to repair but he says he is fed up with being my 'emotional punchbag'. Guess he has a point, I have been vile in the past. I am lost and sad. Back to my user name eh?

You have been trying to achieve an impossible goal, and that is to get your son to wake up and live his life the way you envision it. This is extremely frustrating and just plain hard. Like being stuck in a rip tide and trying to swim against it, it just keeps sucking you out to the horizon. Lost and sad. I am sorry for the hurt of it. It is a desolate place to be, Los.
The thing about riptides, is that we can't swim against them, we have to go sideways. We keep doing the same thing over and over, and it doesn't work. We cannot change the course of the tide, but we can change our course. Our action and our reaction.

I wish you all peace and happiness over what is a very hard and emotional time and I am sorry I have not replied to anyone else. I simply have nothing left. Nothing. xxx

I know how this feels, to have every bit of strength sucked out of you, to feel like a shell of a person.
When hubs passed, I felt this way, I had to get up and go through the motions of living, but I was grieving, depleted and exhausted. I had to turn to my higher power for help. It was then that I began to see that I had been trying to accomplish the impossible, to manage situations that were out of my control. I had turned away from my own self, trying desperately to "save" my two, my grands, when that "saving" had absolutely nothing to do with me.
I had been trying to convince my husband that his gestures to my daughter were enabling her, when really it was up to him what he would or would not do.
Then, when he passed, I had so much grief and went through a series of emotions, including berating myself for what I did, or did not do, reeling through the tapes of the whole mess.
What I realized is all of those years spent in desperation over the chaos and drama of my twos choices, were wasted.
They will live as they choose, no matter what is happening to us over their choices.
Addiction is a selfish, selfish beast that will gobble up anyone that stands in its path. Even if we are trying to help, giving, giving, giving, it takes, takes, takes.
I had to see it for what it is.
I had to realize what I had.
That is a life of wonderful memories and two children who were doing well as young adults, one teen who despite all he had witnessed and gone through, has quite a good head on his shoulders.
In this time, where you are feeling so lost and sad, turn and look at your 15 year old daughter.
My son, now 16, literally saved me.
I could not go "down with the ship" because of my responsibility towards him.
When I shifted my focus there, I realized how I had abandoned myself.
My focus was so keen upon trying to get things "right" for my two, I had abandoned my self at times so completely that there was not much to replenish.
Empty. I felt, empty.
You see Los, I have been going though this with my eldest for 20 years.
This is not to say that your son won't "wake up and smell the coffee", maybe with maturity and consequences of choices felt, he will.
Maybe he won't.
What is left, is you.
You matter.
You have worth beyond whatever anyone else around you chooses to do.
You matter.
Sadness is an emotion, it is not you.
Find ways to be very gentle and kind to yourself.
Shift your focus and nurture the very heart of you.
You have way more than you think.
You have your health, you have a roof over your head.
You have your daughter.
You have your life.
Many gentle hugs to you.
Leafy

 

[KTMom91]

I'm sorry. I understand.

 

[Toomanytears]

Dearest Los,
I am so sorry for these recent events and everything that has led up to all of your sadness.
It is sad to see our adult children in this state. The thing is, we have absolutely no control over how our kids live when they leave the nest. Especially so, when their choice is to party their lives away. I spent years fighting the mess my two got themselves into, accepting them in my home, devastated over their choices to party, party, party. It was like a virus that infected our household and there was nothing to stop it. No amount of giving, "helping" made them change the course they chose. I had to detach. I am still working on that and slip up from time to time, falling into the sadness of it all. Holidays are especially difficult because we all want our family to be whole. Those images of Happy Christmas dinners taunting those of us in this predicament.

I am so sorry for this. It is hard when all focus is on trying to move a stubborn mule (our d cs). Seems the harder we push, the less they do, the more we become entangled in their consequences. I think that life is full of lessons to be learned, the hardest ones involving our beloveds. The end of your story is not yet written. Moments in time when all seems lost can eventually become a pivot point, where we grab hold of ourselves and figure out what we really need. For us. To grow. To change, to learn.
"Sometimes when you are in a dark place, you feel like you have been buried, but you've actually been planted."
You have been trying to achieve an impossible goal, and that is to get your son to wake up and live his life the way you envision it. This is extremely frustrating and just plain hard. Like being stuck in a rip tide and trying to swim against it, it just keeps sucking you out to the horizon. Lost and sad. I am sorry for the hurt of it. It is a desolate place to be, Los.
The thing about riptides, is that we can't swim against them, we have to go sideways. We keep doing the same thing over and over, and it doesn't work. We cannot change the course of the tide, but we can change our course. Our action and our reaction.
I know how this feels, to have every bit of strength sucked out of you, to feel like a shell of a person.
When hubs passed, I felt this way, I had to get up and go through the motions of living, but I was grieving, depleted and exhausted. I had to turn to my higher power for help. It was then that I began to see that I had been trying to accomplish the impossible, to manage situations that were out of my control. I had turned away from my own self, trying desperately to "save" my two, my grands, when that "saving" had absolutely nothing to do with me.
I had been trying to convince my husband that his gestures to my daughter were enabling her, when really it was up to him what he would or would not do.
Then, when he passed, I had so much grief and went through a series of emotions, including berating myself for what I did, or did not do, reeling through the tapes of the whole mess.
What I realized is all of those years spent in desperation over the chaos and drama of my twos choices, were wasted.
They will live as they choose, no matter what is happening to us over their choices.
Addiction is a selfish, selfish beast that will gobble up anyone that stands in its path. Even if we are trying to help, giving, giving, giving, it takes, takes, takes.
I had to see it for what it is.
I had to realize what I had.
That is a life of wonderful memories and two children who were doing well as young adults, one teen who despite all he had witnessed and gone through, has quite a good head on his shoulders.
In this time, where you are feeling so lost and sad, turn and look at your 15 year old daughter.
My son, now 16, literally saved me.
I could not go "down with the ship" because of my responsibility towards him.
When I shifted my focus there, I realized how I had abandoned myself.
My focus was so keen upon trying to get things "right" for my two, I had abandoned my self at times so completely that there was not much to replenish.
Empty. I felt, empty.
You see Los, I have been going though this with my eldest for 20 years.
This is not to say that your son won't "wake up and smell the coffee", maybe with maturity and consequences of choices felt, he will.
Maybe he won't.
What is left, is you.
You matter.
You have worth beyond whatever anyone else around you chooses to do.
You matter.
Sadness is an emotion, it is not you.
Find ways to be very gentle and kind to yourself.
Shift your focus and nurture the very heart of you.
You have way more than you think.
You have your health, you have a roof over your head.
You have your daughter.
You have your life.
Many gentle hugs to you.
Leafy

Dear Leafy...
Wonderfully said. The turn of the year begins 23 years of chaos for us. Two. Decades. Plus. It’s taken me this long to realize that saying I’m done but not changing a thing, changed nothing. Hubby and I are in our mid-late 50’s and have health issues - and the stress IS a major contributing factor.
FINALLY, we are realizing there is no more time to waste. The difference is we are TIRED. REALLY TIRED. We’ve been married 36 years. We must start to put our wants first. No one wants a life of regrets .. as you so eloquently speak from your soul Leafy.
Blessings to you now and in the coming New Year..((( Big Hugs)))

 

[ColleenB]

I am so sorry.....

I pray for some healing for your broken heart

I can’t imagine how you must be feeling with your son not doing well and now your marriage in jeopardy ..... I hope you find the strength to help yourself and find some peace. We can’t control what happens or what others in our lives do but we can try to help ourselves and find healing.

Take care...

 

[Littleboylost]

Dearest Lost
I am heart sick over your situation. You have received a great deal of wisdom here. I only want to add that I was in a very similar situation as you a year ago.

My son is still a mess he will be heading to a long term rehab soon.

My husband and I separated for a year we have been back together since June. We now put ourselves first.

I have learned through therapy and from so many on this sight that as much as I love my son sacrifing myself for him changes NOTHING.

You are not alone. Many of us understand. Try to seek out someone who can give you some support and care.

 

[susiestar]

I am so very sorry that you are mired in sadness right now. Sending many (((((hugs))))) and hopes that things will get better in the future.

Please consider seeing a counselor and maybe going to AlAnon. They surely cannot hurt? Maybe they could help?

 

[RN0441]

So sorry to hear where your life is right now.

Your signature says that you are "married to a wonderful man".

I think it's time you put yourself and your marriage first. You can't save your son. He has to save himself.

I am so tired too. We've been doing this for 7 years ourselves. My husband is my soulmate and rock. Many times we haven't agreed how to help (or not help our son). I know the bottom line is that we both love him and want him to be happy and normal. We cannot control any of it.

Hugs and prayers for peace for you.

 

[Lost in sadness]

Thank you all for your replies! You all give so much to each other. I want to be in the position one day where I can give back. Leafy, you give so much of yourself and it always makes me cry. Your words give comfort but rip through the soul, its a reminder of how broken we can feel and how one persons life effects and impacts anothers. Littleboylost, you are never far away and I really hope you had a lovely break prior to Christmas but sorry to hear most recent. To everyone else - just "thank you"! You all have such sad stories but yet come here with your words of wisdom and it gives such comfort through the hardest of times.

I survived Christmas. My husband agreed to come back snd 'salvage what we could' for Christmas. We are ok. We ALL fly off to sunnier climates on New Years Day. That is my daughter, husband and myself. I cannot wait. He does state though that I need to do things different for 2018. I will try. I have to.

As for my son, well, we exchanged few words over the two Christmas days but there was contact. He said he had read my letter a few times but spent Christmas alone. Today, he had not been seen on messenger for 20 hours! I worried. The minute he became active I messaged and asked if he had just got up, it was 7.30pm! His reply was to tell me, "so what if I have, go away". I said I was worried and he simply said "bye mum, love always" and blocked me.
No idea what has changed from two days ago. I am determined not to say, 'and the saga continues...' but seriously! xx

 

[Littleboylost]

Lost
Please enjoy your holiday and immerse yourself completely with your daughter and husband. I did just that when we went away recently. I texted son only when he texted me. He made out just fine while we were away and yes it is the same old same old the saga does continue.

Focus on putting yourself and your husband and daughter first. Be good to yourself.

You did not Cause this you can not control this nor can you Cure this.

Enjoy the sunshine and let it feed your soul.

 

[New Leaf]

FINALLY, we are realizing there is no more time to waste. The difference is we are TIRED. REALLY TIRED. We’ve been married 36 years. We must start to put our wants first. No one wants a life of regrets .. as you so eloquently speak from your soul Leafy.
Blessings to you now and in the coming New Year..((( Big Hugs)))

Hi Tmt, blessings to you, too. Hubs and I nearly made it to 36 years. He was looking forward to early retirement, time to relax after working so so hard to make a better life for his children. I do think watching our two struggle and end up as they did, took so much wind out of his sails. He was tired. Me too. Tired of trying to put out so many fires, only to have another and another spark again.
I am glad you and your hubs are taking time for yourselves to make memories. It is so very important for your relationship. Switching focus to strengthen your bond and have the best rest of your lives together. Our d cs will continue to choose as they do. They are on their journey.
It is not selfish to reach for your potential, peace and joy in your golden years.

I want to be in the position one day where I can give back. Leafy, you give so much of yourself and it always makes me cry. Your words give comfort but rip through the soul, its a reminder of how broken we can feel and how one persons life effects and impacts anothers.

Los, you don’t realize how your posting and sharing is already giving back.
When I read of people’s challenges with d cs, it is a reminder to me of what I have been through and at times, still go through. I see myself in so many posts. When I reply, I am just as much writing to myself. It is so easy to slip and get back on that hellish roller coaster ride. Yes, one person can impact the lives of others, in my case with my two, it has been a long, long road. I am tired of suffering the consequences of their choices, as if they were my own.

I survived Christmas. My husband agreed to come back and 'salvage what we could' for Christmas. We are ok. We ALL fly off to sunnier climates on New Years Day. That is my daughter, husband and myself. I cannot wait. He does state though that I need to do things different for 2018. I will try. I have to.

Oh I am so glad your husband came back and you are okay. Have a wonderful trip. Time away in a relaxing environment is good for your soul.
On doing things different. It is hard to change all at once. Take little steps towards finding yourself again. We get so caught up in outcomes for our d cs, we lose our own identity and grasp on life.

I said I was worried and he simply said "bye mum, love always" and blocked me.

Well, that’s something isn’t it? Look at it this way, your son is allowing you to step way back by blocking you. After all the effort you have put out, helping him, washing clothes, making sure he eats, paying his rent, it is that simple for him to just cut off communication. Pretty ungrateful if you ask me.

No idea what has changed from two days ago. I am determined not to say, 'and the saga continues...' but seriously! xx

Seriously is right. Take a cue from this. Call him at his game and “go away”, stop fretting over his choices. He will not learn if you are always there to pick up the pieces.
My daughters will disappear for months and just show up without a care. Sometimes it has been after terrible altercations that left me broken inside. Nary an apology. It is as if it never happened.
I am working hard at not letting their choices take my peace and joy away from me. Not allowing what their outcome may be, direct how I view what life I have left in me.
In their drug hazed, party all you can world, they only think of where the next high is.
I have to look at that reality long and hard. I can’t tell you how many times they lounged around my home, sleeping all day, while hubs and I worked. Unacceptable.

Enjoy the sunshine and let it feed your soul.

Walk barefoot in the sand and create new beginnings. It is wonderful that you are going on an adventure!
What a lovely way to start the New Year!
Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Sam3]

Wisdom