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:( 'Happy Christmas'
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 725580" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Dearest Los,</p><p>I am so sorry for these recent events and everything that has led up to all of your sadness.</p><p> It is sad to see our adult children in this state. The thing is, <em>we have absolutely no control over how our kids live when they leave the nest</em>. Especially so, when their choice is to party their lives away. I spent years fighting the mess my two got themselves into, accepting them in my home, devastated over their choices to party, party, party. It was like a virus that infected our household and there was nothing to stop it. No amount of giving, "helping" made them change the course they chose. I had to detach. I am still working on that and slip up from time to time, falling into the sadness of it all. Holidays are especially difficult because we all want our family to be whole. Those images of Happy Christmas dinners taunting those of us in this predicament.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry for this. It is hard when all focus is on trying to move a stubborn mule (our d cs). Seems the harder we push, the less they do, the more we become entangled in their consequences. I think that life is full of lessons to be learned, the hardest ones involving our beloveds. The end of your story is not yet written. Moments in time when all seems lost can eventually become a pivot point, where we grab hold of ourselves and figure out what we really need. For us. To grow. To change, to learn. </p><p>"Sometimes when you are in a dark place, you feel like you have been buried, but you've actually been planted."</p><p> You have been trying to achieve an impossible goal, and that is to get your son to wake up and live his life <em>the way you envision it</em>. This is extremely frustrating and just plain hard. Like being stuck in a rip tide and trying to swim against it, it just keeps sucking you out to the horizon. Lost and sad. I am sorry for the hurt of it. It is a desolate place to be, Los.</p><p>The thing about riptides, is that we can't swim against them, we have to go sideways. We keep doing the same thing over and over, and <em>it doesn't work</em>. We cannot change the course of the tide, <em>but we can change our course. Our action and our reaction.</em></p><p> I know how this feels, to have every bit of strength sucked out of you, to feel like a shell of a person. </p><p>When hubs passed, I felt this way, I had to get up and go through the motions of living, but I was grieving, depleted and exhausted. I had to turn to my higher power for help. It was then that I began to see that I had been trying to accomplish the impossible, to manage situations that were out of my control. I had turned away from my own self, trying desperately to "save" my two, my grands, when that "saving" had absolutely nothing to do with me.</p><p>I had been trying to convince my husband that his gestures to my daughter were enabling her, when really it was up to him what he would or would not do. </p><p>Then, when he passed, I had so much grief and went through a series of emotions, including berating myself for what I did, or did not do, reeling through the tapes of the whole mess.</p><p>What I realized is all of those years spent in desperation over the chaos and drama of my twos choices, were <em>wasted. </em></p><p>They will live as they choose, no matter what is happening to us over their choices.</p><p>Addiction is a selfish, selfish beast that will gobble up anyone that stands in its path. Even if we are trying to help, giving, giving, giving, it takes, takes, takes.</p><p>I had to see it for what it is.</p><p>I had to realize what I had.</p><p>That is a life of wonderful memories and two children who were doing well as young adults, one teen who despite all he had witnessed and gone through, has quite a good head on his shoulders.</p><p>In this time, where you are feeling so lost and sad, turn and look at your 15 year old daughter.</p><p>My son, now 16, literally saved me.</p><p>I could not go "down with the ship" because of my responsibility towards him.</p><p>When I shifted my focus there, I realized how I had abandoned myself.</p><p>My focus was so keen upon trying to get things "right" for my two, I had abandoned my <em>self </em>at times so completely that there was not much to replenish. </p><p>Empty. I felt, empty.</p><p>You see Los, I have been going though this with my eldest for <em>20 years. </em></p><p>This is not to say that your son won't "wake up and smell the coffee", maybe with maturity and consequences of choices felt, he will. </p><p>Maybe he won't.</p><p>What is left, is you.</p><p>You matter.</p><p>You have worth beyond <em>whatever anyone else around you chooses to do.</em></p><p><em>You matter.</em></p><p>Sadness is an emotion, it is not<em> you.</em></p><p><em>Find ways to be very gentle and kind to yourself.</em></p><p><em>Shift your focus and nurture the very heart of you.</em></p><p>You have way more than you think. </p><p>You have your health, you have a roof over your head. </p><p>You have your daughter. </p><p>You have your life.</p><p>Many gentle hugs to you.</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 725580, member: 19522"] Dearest Los, I am so sorry for these recent events and everything that has led up to all of your sadness. It is sad to see our adult children in this state. The thing is, [I]we have absolutely no control over how our kids live when they leave the nest[/I]. Especially so, when their choice is to party their lives away. I spent years fighting the mess my two got themselves into, accepting them in my home, devastated over their choices to party, party, party. It was like a virus that infected our household and there was nothing to stop it. No amount of giving, "helping" made them change the course they chose. I had to detach. I am still working on that and slip up from time to time, falling into the sadness of it all. Holidays are especially difficult because we all want our family to be whole. Those images of Happy Christmas dinners taunting those of us in this predicament. I am so sorry for this. It is hard when all focus is on trying to move a stubborn mule (our d cs). Seems the harder we push, the less they do, the more we become entangled in their consequences. I think that life is full of lessons to be learned, the hardest ones involving our beloveds. The end of your story is not yet written. Moments in time when all seems lost can eventually become a pivot point, where we grab hold of ourselves and figure out what we really need. For us. To grow. To change, to learn. "Sometimes when you are in a dark place, you feel like you have been buried, but you've actually been planted." You have been trying to achieve an impossible goal, and that is to get your son to wake up and live his life [I]the way you envision it[/I]. This is extremely frustrating and just plain hard. Like being stuck in a rip tide and trying to swim against it, it just keeps sucking you out to the horizon. Lost and sad. I am sorry for the hurt of it. It is a desolate place to be, Los. The thing about riptides, is that we can't swim against them, we have to go sideways. We keep doing the same thing over and over, and [I]it doesn't work[/I]. We cannot change the course of the tide, [I]but we can change our course. Our action and our reaction.[/I] I know how this feels, to have every bit of strength sucked out of you, to feel like a shell of a person. When hubs passed, I felt this way, I had to get up and go through the motions of living, but I was grieving, depleted and exhausted. I had to turn to my higher power for help. It was then that I began to see that I had been trying to accomplish the impossible, to manage situations that were out of my control. I had turned away from my own self, trying desperately to "save" my two, my grands, when that "saving" had absolutely nothing to do with me. I had been trying to convince my husband that his gestures to my daughter were enabling her, when really it was up to him what he would or would not do. Then, when he passed, I had so much grief and went through a series of emotions, including berating myself for what I did, or did not do, reeling through the tapes of the whole mess. What I realized is all of those years spent in desperation over the chaos and drama of my twos choices, were [I]wasted. [/I] They will live as they choose, no matter what is happening to us over their choices. Addiction is a selfish, selfish beast that will gobble up anyone that stands in its path. Even if we are trying to help, giving, giving, giving, it takes, takes, takes. I had to see it for what it is. I had to realize what I had. That is a life of wonderful memories and two children who were doing well as young adults, one teen who despite all he had witnessed and gone through, has quite a good head on his shoulders. In this time, where you are feeling so lost and sad, turn and look at your 15 year old daughter. My son, now 16, literally saved me. I could not go "down with the ship" because of my responsibility towards him. When I shifted my focus there, I realized how I had abandoned myself. My focus was so keen upon trying to get things "right" for my two, I had abandoned my [I]self [/I]at times so completely that there was not much to replenish. Empty. I felt, empty. You see Los, I have been going though this with my eldest for [I]20 years. [/I] This is not to say that your son won't "wake up and smell the coffee", maybe with maturity and consequences of choices felt, he will. Maybe he won't. What is left, is you. You matter. You have worth beyond [I]whatever anyone else around you chooses to do. You matter.[/I] Sadness is an emotion, it is not[I] you. Find ways to be very gentle and kind to yourself. Shift your focus and nurture the very heart of you.[/I] You have way more than you think. You have your health, you have a roof over your head. You have your daughter. You have your life. Many gentle hugs to you. Leafy [/QUOTE]
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