'Happy' New Year all! - I'm reaching out again

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, Jan 4, 2017.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I posted my first story on 29th November - my son was being evicted from his house and I was desperate. I wanted to update, its been a while and if Im honest I thought I had cracked it. I thought my story would be different...sadly it isn't and I'm hurting so bad.:(
    My husband collected his things from the house and bought them back home, all wet and mouldy, it took three days to get them all clean. Two days after we received a bill for £3,500 to repair the room he was living in, the pictures made me cry!! I left him for a week with only one option left which he would not take and that was to move away for a few weeks and live with some friends of ours that lived in the middle of no where. It was my final option left. Eventually he texted, "give me their number, I want to change". He called them, they picked him up. I felt such relief! He stopped taking drugs, worked for them, went to the gym and looked better. I took him to the doctors and he agreed to anger management and they gave him some medication. There were ups and downs though, lies, etc. Tell tale signs that he was still doing what he wanted. We had a meeting and agreed he could come home to live and I would pick him up day before Christmas Eve. He sat on my lap and cried like an 8 year old! 9 months away and I had got my boy back!! The day I picked him up, I could sense an atmosphere - he had split with his girlfriend and wanted to go on a night out. I told him 'no' - that he had been away for 9 months and I wanted him to stay at home. The friends he was staying with supported me and he got agitated with them so they told him to leave and wished me well. Needless to say we argued all the way home. I dropped him to get a haircut thinking he wold come back after. He didn't. My daughter (14) was so upset so he promised he would meet her int own to do some Christmas shopping with her. He never showed. He went out. He never came home So, Christmas Eve we packed up and left for family, without him. He rang the next day asking I go and get him, I refused and told him the rules. He made his own way to us and we had a lovely two days. He had wrote us all apology cards promising it was going to be different, that he had been a fool blah blah. Boxing day night we returned home. Girlfriend came and it was ok. He was up all night making food etc and I told him this could not continue. Next day we left him at home with girlfriend, In evening we had friends over and he was again polite etc. Then girlfriend came in crying saying he had gone out to meet another girl!!! When he came back, I was cross and dared to question him, it got out of hand and he started rearing up to me, clenched fists, hit my wall. pushed me and slammed door in my face. I marched in his room and picked his stuff up and told him to get out, he started calling me names etc. He left, I thought in a taxi with his girlfriend but next day I read a load of messages on my phone saying, "help mum", "its freezing", "let me in", I looked out of our window, white ground and saw a tent in our garden at -4 degrees, I felt sick!!!! I tried to call. Nothing. Ive never ran so fast in all my life across to the tent thinking he may be dead. It was empty. Girlfriends mother texted saying he arrived there in the morning and I needed to go and pick him up. I did. Took girlfriend to work. He was angry and agitated, I felt scared. He got out to say goodbye leaving his bag on seat. I picked it up. It smelt of weed. Brand new bag, 3 days old. I knew I couldn't bring him home. I challenged him, he denied it. Starting calling me names, :censored2: mother etc and wouldn't get out of my car. I told him we would go and get some housing advice but instead I drove to the local police station, got out and asked for their help. I left him there. He scares me and gets pleasure from it. After 24 hors he texted saying "police said 24hours, what are you doing, come and get me". I told him I loved him but it was time to stop lying, being abusive and sort his life out. I got back f**k you!! Not heard anything for nearly a week and then yesterday I get a text saying when can I come home? I'm torn, I'm hurt, I'm scared, I'm lost. He has nothing, no-one but I know he cannot come home. What shall I do??? Im so sorry the story is so long!!!!
  2. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    Lost, you are exhausting yourself trying to keep up with the drama your son creates in your life and in the lives of others around him.

    It sounds like he needs to face himself and his behavior towards others.

    This cannot be accomplished as long as he keeps contacting loved ones during moments of panic and fear and he keeps getting rescued. He needs to face his problems on his own.

    You mentioned a 14yo daughter. Please direct your energies towards her. Don't let her get lost in the drama your son creates while he sucks up all the energy in your family.
  3. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Lost. I read every word you wrote.
    Your son's behavior is unacceptable on every level. He's not a raving maniac, he can be polite at times---so...is the other behavior a choice? Let him suffer the consequences of his behaviors, words and deeds in order to learn. That is what we all do, learn from our mistakes. Early on, when our son acted as yours has, (which was every time we criticized, crossed or questioned him), I made excuses or ignored it hoping for better behavior in the future. But it didn't happen like that.
    When called for a ride, asked to come home or pleaded with, we now say "I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sure you will figure it out. We love you." When he asks for $, we can say no and he accepts that without calling us every name in the book. It's so hard, we want to help but he must do it on his own. We will not live forever, he needs to find other support systems.
    These say it all--should we have to be afraid in our own homes? Home should be your sanctuary. In your case at least set boundaries for your daughter's sake, he's a man, she's still a child, you know which one you should protect. If he had advanced on her, you would feel even more awful.

    THIS IS IT. These kid/adults are resourceful beyond belief. He found his way to you at Christmas, he had a tent, he got girlfriends mother to let him come in out of the cold. He can figure this out and needs to do it on his own. Treating you with an F-you and then hoping in a week you'd forget? Don't let him think that's acceptable, many parents would cut off contact at this point. I found I couldn't completely cut ties but we stopped answering calls, texts. Now we simply don't respond for at least a day or two. Because our son's life is so up and down, by the time we connect, the emergency has past. We simply couldn't be available to him or he would eat us alive...and we are done letting that happen. Save yourself, you deserve it. You've done all you can. Prayers.
  4. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Dear Lost, I'm wanting to say something profound, but there are no words. What a tough situation you are in! This is not the way it's supposed to be. I took care of my mom until she passed at 97 years. I'm so sorry! My situation with my 45 year old daughter is different, yet I saw some similarities..... The drama for one. About the time I was in panic mode, it would be over and she and abusive boyfriend were all lovey-dovey again. Thank God, she is mad at me and cut off contact. Best thing that ever happened because I probably coudn't have done it. I'm sure one day I'll hear from her, but until then I'm enjiying the peace and quiet. Sending positive thoughts your way that soon you can focus on yourself and enjoy your life.
  5. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you.
    Thank you for your kind words and wisdom. It gave me huge strength. I feel determined not to live another day like I spent 2016. When I know he is staying somewhere I am fine. The thought of him on the streets fills me with a pain I cannot describe. I live in the UK and it is very cole right now. It hurts my heart. :(
  6. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you for your reply. I am sorry to hear your story..... I sometimes wish he would cut me off - not suggesting that is easy either but it would at least feel less responsible. Hugs
  7. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you for your reply. Every word you say is right, I know its right. Sometimes just hearing others gives me strength. I continue to rescue because he makes me feel its my fault. I know it isn't. I often wake up thinking its a nightmare and then I remember its my life and it doesn't feel fair. Thank you xx
  8. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I just do not understand why someone would choose this life over a loving and safe family life. My worst worry is that I am pushing someone beyond their capabilities of sorting it out. I worry that he will kill himself and it will be my fault. How do we tell if it is behavioral or a mental health problem. I feel there must be something wrong with him but friends tell me it is behavioral because he knows how to behave when he needs to. He changes from a perfectly articulate, polite, charming person with others into an angry demon with us and his friends. Is that not a personality disorder? Something that needs help? Am I not pushing away someone that needs help??? :(
  9. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I too worry if I push too hard my son will commit suicide. I never know when it's needed vs just me nagging....

    I think by not going into the "how can you live with yourself " mentality is key. I try to focus on "I know you are smart and capable and will figure this out"

    Sometimes we are so upset with them it's hard to stay above their drama. I understand that.

    However, I do worry about suicide regularly. My son once told me that hurting us is the only reason he hasn't done it in the past. I told him that wouldn't be enough at some point. It's very scary.

    I know this feels like it's a nightmare. I often wake up and can't believe it's my life. This has wiped out almost all the good memories from his childhood, I have to struggle to remember.

    I hope you find some peace in these forums. I come here when I'm feeling especially alone and it has been a godsend.

    Take care..... C
  10. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    I'm actually becoming grateful she cut me off I don't know that I could have done it. In fact, I probably wouldn't have. And I'm beginning tosee that my car that I sold her (that she's not paying for) as part of the plan. First of all, it provided transportation for my granddaughters. Secondly it became the means by which she fled to another state where she wanted me to sign for an apartment. And when I said no and told her how I've felt for the last 9 years (which I'd never done before) she cut me off. I'm beginningto think the $5000 she owes me is a small price to pay for peace in my life. By the way, that's not all the money we've given through the years. We gave her a car early on and have given her thousands of dollars through the years. I can actually walk past Customer Service now without stopping to send money via Western Union.
  11. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Lost. It is all so hard.
    The dirty little secret is that so many of us feel this way. I'm a good mom. You could never have made me believe in a million years that "good moms" felt this way. I try to remember when I look at "normal" families that I'm comparing their outside to my inside. Unfair. They have their issues too, or will have in the future. Nobody gets through this life unscathed.
    There is strength in this forum. Take what you like, leave the rest. But know you are not alone. Prayers.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  12. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you Colleen for your reply. I understand how you feel. It is hard to imagine that the sweet little boy that we bought into the world, fed, cleaned, loved, cared for and taught right from wrong has become what they have. I have told myself I must get on with my own life and in the day I am ok. As darkness comes it does so for me also. Thats when the worry and sadness starts. May we all find peace somehow. xxx
  13. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I understand. I tried to pretend to everyone that he was good. I used to feel annoyed that people would ask me so innocently how he is. I always suspected they knew something so I would tell stories of how I wished he was. It used to break me. I still feel almost jealous when I look at my friends happy lives and wonder why it can't be the same for me. Why my son is such a pain in the butt. Whether it will ever be different and I can feel proud of him. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of him. Terrible thing to say eh? I now try to tell people the truth, whats the point in lying, who am I really lying to. Myself? Hugs to all xxxx
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  14. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Christmas was hard seeing family groups together laughing, exchanging gifts, taking pictures. And I sit there and watch and wonder if I'll ever enjoy Christmas with my daughter and granddaughters. Don't have msny memories of that happening.
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    When you see those Norman Rockwells please remember you don't know the whole story behind the smiles.
  16. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    This statement iis true!
  17. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Oh my dear LOST. How sad your story and how sad it is that so much of it resonates with so many of us. My difficult son is my eldest followed by a daughter who is two years younger. In early teens he began to show his difficult behaviours. I am not sure what came first, drugs or mental illness. He was in therapy from age 14 on and we began walking on eggshells around our house never knowing when the next explosion would come. The emotional blackmail would start when we started implementing rules about going to school no drugs etc...and then several suicide attempts followed by hospitalizations, his return back to home, same scenarios on spin cycle over and over again. My daughter who was 14 at the time, (her brother 16) told us she was planning to leave the house, she could no longer live in the house the way it was, and no longer live with the anxiety and drama that her older brother was creating. We were so FOCUSED on the issues with our eldest we had blinded ourselves as to the impact on our daughter who had never done anything wrong, great grades, no drugs, etc.

    The next day we packed SON up and moved him out to relatives which were gracious enough to step in to help. Once we got our peace back in our sanctuary, we tried to protect that , even if it meant son could not return home for more that a few hours visit at a time.

    Several years later we did accept him back with many conditions when younger daughter was at university and living away. He did well during the honey moon return home, but then the spin cycle started all over again and we moved him out to a condo I owned. He went through university and did graduate but could never hold a job or friends. It wasn't until he committed a violent assault against a stranger, that he was finally diagnosed with schizophrenia...which the doctors suspect may well have been brought on by drug use.

    I too lived in dread that he would commit suicide if we enforced the consequences of his behavior but through therapy (lots of it) also came to understand that this was such a terrible form of emotional blackmail and power over me. I had to learn to take the POWER back. Sadly that also meant learning in myself that if he actually did commit suicide , while devastated I would BE ALRIGHT!

    Fast forward son is in a group home, daughter is in medical school, I divorced ( relationship could not withstand the drama) and am now living with a caring partner, but my life is CALM.

    Forever I looked around at other families and wondered why they all seemed so normal....only to realize each and every family has their share of drama and heartaches.

    Please take your power back and refuse to be part of the spin cycle. As many other posters have said, you need to take care of yourself and those positive forces in your life first. Your son will come around if and when HE chooses to do so. Many hugs and well wishes for you!
  18. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you so much for your message, I am so so sorry to hear your story, it is heartbreaking. Generally, I feel stronger now than ever before. Determined I will not have my own life ruined by someone that has full control over their own. I love him as I am sure we all do but he is the driver of his destiny. I am pleased to hear your son is in a group home - I am sure it brings relief from worry although devastating to hear all of it may have been bought on by drugs! Hugs xxx