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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 726211" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Newstart, I can so relate to what you are saying. I uttered similar words a few years ago.....this path we're on can take our own lives down the rabbit hole,it is exhausting, debilitating and depleting. I had to get off the hamster wheel, it was slowly killing me. Now that you've made that decision,things will begin to improve.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I understand how you feel. I had no idea how to remove myself from the front lines of my daughters chaotic lifestyle choices. I found a codependency course thru my HMO that changed my life. How I moved thru all of it was by getting myself as much support as I possibly could because I knew how hard it was going to be for me to detach. Thru that course, I had a weekly therapy group and a private therapist. I attended CoDa groups continually and read many books, which all helped. I shifted my beliefs about how to love my daughter and I learned how to set up strict boundaries. It didn't happen overnight, it was a process as we both learned the new landscape. But it all changed dramatically.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The ugly part is usually as we change, our troubled kids up the ante to get us back into the position of saving/enabling them. To that end, they can be pretty ugly. That's where it's invaluable to have a good therapist, counselor or other professional to walk you thru those hard parts and give you the tools you need to change. I was so ready to change at that point that I listened carefully and then implemented the new behavior and the new rules ASAP. Slowly, I got my life back and slowly, my relationship with my daughter changed too. We have a challenging relationship, but now, I am considered, respected, listened to and all of those old nasty behaviors of my daughters do not happen (with me) any more. She may continue to act badly with others, I don't know, but generally not with me. She abided by all of my changes.That was really her only option in order to have relationship with me.</p><p></p><p>This won't be as hard as you believe it will be because it sounds as if you are ready to change and when we are ready, it happens rather quickly because we now have resolve. But, get yourself a lot of support. <u><em><strong>A lot.</strong></em></u> </p><p></p><p>Some books which may help you (they helped me) are Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie, The power of now or the New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chodron and there are a couple of excellent Ted Talks by Brene' Brown on Vulnerability and shame you can access by googling her on Youtube which are worth watching. You can also go on Youtube and search guided visualizations/meditations on letting go, grief, acceptance, etc,. I found listening to them quite helpful and informative and calming too. All of it helped me to let go and learn to accept what I can't change.......as well as learning to live in the present moment as opposed to the past or the future. </p><p></p><p>Remember to do nourishing, kind and nurturing things for yourself now. Every single day choose you. As you fill yourself up, you'll feel more strength. You can do this. You're already doing this. It's time for you to have YOUR life now.<em> It's time.....</em>..</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 726211, member: 13542"] Newstart, I can so relate to what you are saying. I uttered similar words a few years ago.....this path we're on can take our own lives down the rabbit hole,it is exhausting, debilitating and depleting. I had to get off the hamster wheel, it was slowly killing me. Now that you've made that decision,things will begin to improve. I understand how you feel. I had no idea how to remove myself from the front lines of my daughters chaotic lifestyle choices. I found a codependency course thru my HMO that changed my life. How I moved thru all of it was by getting myself as much support as I possibly could because I knew how hard it was going to be for me to detach. Thru that course, I had a weekly therapy group and a private therapist. I attended CoDa groups continually and read many books, which all helped. I shifted my beliefs about how to love my daughter and I learned how to set up strict boundaries. It didn't happen overnight, it was a process as we both learned the new landscape. But it all changed dramatically. The ugly part is usually as we change, our troubled kids up the ante to get us back into the position of saving/enabling them. To that end, they can be pretty ugly. That's where it's invaluable to have a good therapist, counselor or other professional to walk you thru those hard parts and give you the tools you need to change. I was so ready to change at that point that I listened carefully and then implemented the new behavior and the new rules ASAP. Slowly, I got my life back and slowly, my relationship with my daughter changed too. We have a challenging relationship, but now, I am considered, respected, listened to and all of those old nasty behaviors of my daughters do not happen (with me) any more. She may continue to act badly with others, I don't know, but generally not with me. She abided by all of my changes.That was really her only option in order to have relationship with me. This won't be as hard as you believe it will be because it sounds as if you are ready to change and when we are ready, it happens rather quickly because we now have resolve. But, get yourself a lot of support. [U][I][B]A lot.[/B][/I][/U] Some books which may help you (they helped me) are Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie, The power of now or the New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, Comfortable with Uncertainty by Pema Chodron and there are a couple of excellent Ted Talks by Brene' Brown on Vulnerability and shame you can access by googling her on Youtube which are worth watching. You can also go on Youtube and search guided visualizations/meditations on letting go, grief, acceptance, etc,. I found listening to them quite helpful and informative and calming too. All of it helped me to let go and learn to accept what I can't change.......as well as learning to live in the present moment as opposed to the past or the future. Remember to do nourishing, kind and nurturing things for yourself now. Every single day choose you. As you fill yourself up, you'll feel more strength. You can do this. You're already doing this. It's time for you to have YOUR life now.[I] It's time.....[/I].. [/QUOTE]
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