Hard Update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pasajes4, May 22, 2016.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I have been trying to digest recent developments with my son. He has violated every rule that the facility he is in. He has had marijuana brought into the facility. A bag was found in his room along with a scale and baggies with the intention to sell weed. They kicked him out. He is now homeless and in bad shape. I will not allow him back into my home. I have been bombarded with phone calls from him to allow him to come home. I will not allow him in my home. He managed to get a ride over here on Tuesday. The person dropped him off. I did not open the door. He became verbally aggressive making threats to either damage me or my property the choice was mine. I called the police. He managed to call for a ride. In the time it took the police to get here, he put a huge dent in the hood of my new rav 4. I pressed charges. The estimate is over a thousand dollars. It will need a new hood and paint. I am literally sick to my stomach. I have never felt this bad in my life. He is mentally and physically unstable. He was doing marginally better because of his interest in a young lady where he was. That did not pan out and because his progress was tied to another person, he spiraled out of control.

    I feel lower than a snakes belly. I want to go back to the island. (clicks heels 3 times)
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, pasa. I'm so sorry he's doing so badly.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. Hang in there. "This too shall pass."
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Oh Pasa, I am so sorry. I wish I could hug you right now.

    You have been through so much with him in his short life. I wish we could fast-forward him to age 26 and see what is going on then, I'm hoping by then he will be walking in a whole new direction. I also know that's a long time.

    Pasa, you know, and we all know, that if he keeps on like this, he will end up in jail. I don't know how you feel about that today. I know that there came a time for me when I was grateful, truly grateful, for Difficult Child being in jail. I could rest so much easier then.

    No, you can't have him in your home. You know that and we know that. He is confirming that with his behavior.

    Sometimes, It is good for us when their behavior is so extreme that it makes things clearer. But it still hurts so badly and is so painful.

    Please come here for support and love and encouragement. We are here for you. You're not alone in this.

    Warm hugs for you, Pasa. Extremely warm hugs. And lots of them.
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  5. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh Pasa...I too wish we could wrap you in some warm hugs. Then a snap of the fingers and our cabana boy would bring you something tropical and relaxing...make it a double.

    No, you cannot have him in your home. He threatened you. He threatened your property. He followed through on the one and would likely have followed through on the other, had you let him in. He was out of control.

    I think you handled this exactly right. I think you should press charges. Pasa, perhaps being in an environment where he cannot follow through on every blind impulse he has will help him.
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Everyone else said it all.

    I'm sorry for this update. Hope things calm down soon for you and your son. I was hoping his stroke would be a wake up call...

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  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Pasa.

    You did, in my opinion, the right thing. Perhaps, the only thing you could do. I know it feels bad to do what you did, but do everything you can to release that guilt, that "lower than a snakes belly" feeling, because you did what you had to do. Your sons behavior lead to the choice you made, you didn't just make a choice all by itself. Try to remember that part.......our kids force these choices on us and then WE suffer the consequences, not them. You are putting the consequences where they belong, with him.

    What helps me when it gets like this, is to place my daughter in the hands of my perception of a Higher Power. Realizing that I am powerless in this situation. You are powerless. You only have control over your response and your response was appropriate.

    Sending you big hugs. And prayers that you and your son find peace.
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  8. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Pasa. So sorry you have to deal with this..again.
    No truer words ever said than these...

    I second that you handled this right-there is no worse feeling than having them on your doorstep and not letting them in...it goes against our very nature and yet we would never let someone enter who threatened to harm us or our things. So...our reality just stinks. As one who has lain awake at 2am waiting for the sound of a loud truck to peel out of the driveway, angry again...it takes alot of benedryl to fall back asleep. I get it.
    Big, warm hug to you.Prayers.
  9. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Pasa- I am so sorry. But you did the right thing because he was in a volatile state of mind. YOUR safety comes first. His actions and behavior forced your hand. Hugs to you. Keep us posted.
  10. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    I know you feel badly, because he is your son and you love him and want the best for him. If only they knew how much it hurts us to not be able to fix it! But you are doing the right thing. You cannot have a grown, volatile man in your home that has issues you are not capable of handling (what average person could?). He cannot just come to your home and threaten you, do damage to your property. Perhaps the consequences of that will prevent a reoccurrence and time incarcerated will keep him supervised and off the streets. HUGE hugs to you, Pasa.
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  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Pasa, I'm so sorry you had to endure that.

    You did the right thing by telling him that he could not stay with you. You did the right thing by calling the police when he showed up and threatened you. You did the right thing by pressing charges for the damage to your car.

    You did everything right and you are the one left feeling crummy.

    I've been there and it's a terrible place to be.

    ((HUGS)) to sweet lady!!

    If I could I would project you right onto this beach!
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  12. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Pasa, that post was hard to read. I feel terrible for you. Pasa, you made the right decision not to let him enter your house. I know you feel lower than a snake's belly, it's exhausting and draining. Horrible what he did to your new car. Even though you personally did nothing that should cause you to feel this way, I understand. You sure don't deserve that treatment, no one does.
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  13. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Pasa. So happy we have this board, and I hope you feel better. Maybe just a little better each day, but better. We can only control our response and yours was the only reasonable one.

    More hugs.

    I am so sorry.

    All these steps our Difficult Child's take backwards sure can mess with our hearts and minds, not to mention what it does to them. We keep our eyes on a better future and then are forced to take a step back. It is a long & twisting journey for our Difficult Child's and we can stand on the sidelines, hoping and cheering- until stuff happens like just happened to you --and variations of that happen to all of us. ....and the mental illness.

    I digress only because I understand what you are going through more than I wish I did. I'd love the luxury of thinking, , WTH is she referring to? She must have been a baaaddd momma!

    j/k. I am glad to not be so ignorant, but wish I had learned about this life via Dr. Phil and not personal experience.

    We are with you and understand as well as about anybody should ever have to.

    More hugs.

    As already stated above, This too shall pass.

  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Tanya, Thank you for the beach. I am so glad I have all of you warriors to lean on.
  15. Milhval

    Milhval Always a mom!

    I'm truly sorry for what happened with your son. I know that out of control rage all too well. These setbacks must be very difficult. You are an inspiration to many and I know they are all lifting you up right now and I join them. May it get better for you every day.
  16. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member

    Pasa.....just adding my hugs & good thoughts to the rest.

  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member


    A scale and baggies?

    You are doing the right thing, pasa. This is why we get all destroyed raising our kids. Stuff like this. Desperate emotions, from high to low and sometimes we don't know where they are and sometimes we do know but it's Intensive Care. And then, this. Things like this.

    A freaking scale and baggies in a facility.

    What in the world.

    This is what I mean. How do we turn them away. But you just had him home so you know you are turning him away.

    Pasa. I am so sorry this is happening. It's one thing to worry and not know where they are or whether they are alive. But this is too bitter.

    Plus, I had personal feelings for that shiny, bright red little Toyota RAV 4.

    I remember when you bought it.

    It must have been so scary to have Son out there pounding on it and so angry. I am glad the locks held, pasa, and that your doors are sturdy and strong.

    Man, that must have been awful.

    You did what you had to do. If you let him in, there will never be help for him. He will continue to escalate, if past performance is an indication.

    Very hard situation, pasa.

    You will need to be very strong.

    What is your support system, there. NAMI or Al-Anon or Narc-Anon?

    I would be afraid to leave the house, lest he break in while I was gone. Or do you think he is not thinking that far ahead ~ that this was the crisis and it's past and he will find his way and leave you alone?

    I am glad you called the police. I would have too.

    Policemen are amazing.

    This thread is bringing back too many memories. You know what, pasa?

    I am sorry this happened in your newly and beautifully repaired and repainted and re-cabineted home. This series of memories, I mean.

    The house never seems quite as beautiful after something like this.



    You really do need to think about vacation I think, pasa.

    Maybe just to a nice Bed and Breakfast near you, to set an intention of caring for yourself.

    Somewhere with beautiful gardens.
  18. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Cedar, This is so true. I want to run and hide. I went to a beautiful birthday/graduation party with my nephew and other family members and I could not fully enjoy the event. I flip from being sad to being furious.

    I don't know what the future holds for him. I will not write the end of his story. That's for him to write.
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  19. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Pasa, I've been off the board for a couple days, only checking in on my phone to threads I was participating in, so I missed this until this morning.

    I prayed for you in church yesterday...I often do for the people on the board who I know are in the midst of crisis. I didn't know why your name was the one in my head yesterday. Maybe, now I do know. Maybe us moms are more psychic than we know.

    I'm so sorry you are going thru this.

    I have to echo Cedar - WTF? Seriously, there's a market for this in a physical rehab facility? I'm just ... speechless.

    And they just kicked him out? Didn't they call the police? I'd have had him arrested right then and there.

    Again, WTF?

    I hadn't thought of that, but I so agree. It's so hard to have those memories around you. There was a period where I wanted to move so badly...I think I'd have taken a loss, or just broken even, to get out of the house and away from the memories. I got over it. Now mine is back and new, unpleasant, memories are being made.

    I'm just so sorry this has happened to you too.

    I woke up this morning and my son was the first thing on my mind. He's the last thing on my mind. I turned on The Simpson's yesterday and they sent Bart to Juvie and Marge was crying "You can't take my baby away!" They don't see...or more likely don't care....how they taint every part of our days; even the good things have a cloud over them and it makes it so hard to not dwell.

    I wish I could zip down to Texas and you and I could make a run for the Islands. There's got to be some in the Gulf that would fit the bill. Hold on...that tranquil beach is there somewhere.
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  20. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I know. And there we are, and we feel like we are performing. And the last thing we want to hear is how rotten our child is. But it is worse somehow that there is like, a Cone of Silence around the fact that we have a child and he isn't there.

    So, there we sit. In our Cone of Silence.

    Here is a story about the Cone of Silence:

    So, the Cone of Silence is a transparent tube that descends so Get Smart can communicate without being overheard. In this scene, Get Smart is attending a fancy dress Ball. There are ladies in beautiful gowns and men in tuxedos and everyone is drinking too much champagne.

    His shoe phone rings.

    Lowering the Cone of Silence, Get Smart makes his secret communication. Then, given that he is in the Cone of Silence, Get Smart looses as musically inspired a spate of intestinal gas as has ever been loosed, privately or in public.

    Smoothing his lapels, Get Smart leaves the Cone.

    But it seems the Cone of Silence has malfunctioned.

    And everything that happened inside it was not only broadcast to the room, but amplified, first.

    And Get Smart has no clue.


    So, that is what I think about, whenever I have that Cone of Silence feeling.

    This is good thinking. It is really hard to turn their lives over to them and believe it. But it was only after I did reach that point that I was able to separate what was happening to them from what they were doing to me. Once I could see in that way, I realized that what I felt like was Rocky Balboa, in those movies where the beatings are so savage.

    And Rocky takes punch after punch.

    And I know that is terrible imagery, but it helped me reframe what was happening.

    Holding an intention of Radical Compassion for all of us ~ for myself, too ~ helped me, pasa. In the sense that it gave me a mindset to reach for.

    But the Rocky imagery helped most of all.

    I would post a link for you, but the imagery of Rocky taking those punches is awful. But you know what? That was exactly what it felt like, to go through this.

    I am sorry this is happening, pasa.