Harm of everyone knowing you have a difficult child (ventish)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SuZir, Sep 29, 2012.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    in real life I tend to be quite a private person. I'm chatty but not too open. In my small community and also in sport community it was always known difficult child is a difficult child, but mostly people kept silent about it. Some time now my difficult child's troubles have been more public and I simply hate it. My difficult child's transactions have never been publish with his name attached in mainstream media. But also they do imply. For example if difficult child does well, you can bet there are few headlines, how he stole the points etc. And if you for example type my difficult child's name to Google and press space, Google's first suggestion for next word is 'thief' and second one is 'stole.' And the first ten search results gives at least one discussion about his thieving ways. Of course we are also unlucky to have an uncommon surname. There really isn't that many people with same name as he. And then of course there is gossiping. So people know about his worst troubles at least.

    Last easy child's game I attended I spent mostly trying to console the mom of his team mate who has also a difficult child child. Okay, I do understand her need to seek support, but having a difficult child is not making me an expert or helping me to give any useful advises. She isn't the only one who has been looking for support from me and I'm simply out of my depth in this.

    Last difficult child's game I attended (away game near there we live), I was unfortunate to sit near two guys, who simply couldn't let it go. Okay, I do understand people let off steam in sport stands and try to rile the visiting team's players and I'm sure they didn't know difficult child's parents were near them. But the other guy was screaming obscenities to difficult child whole time and other one was telling bad jokes about difficult child and even looking around him expecting people to laugh. The jokes were not funny in the first place (difficult child's team not getting home, because difficult child steals tires from the bus if they are not watching etc.) and they are also seriously old by now. I do know difficult child doesn't much hear the shouts from stands and certainly is not listening, but they do take out any enjoyment I would have to see my kid play. Most of difficult child's games I watch from TV and we go to see few of his games in his home town, but I do know difficult child likes it that we go to his away games that are near us. And of course they give a chance to chat up with him face to face for small time. So I do go to these games, but I'm not enjoying being in the crowed and having to hear the comments.

    And then there are the whackos. They mostly hunt difficult child himself but we get our part, then they are not able to find a way to contact difficult child. They are mostly people, who want to convert difficult child. To help him find Jesus, so all his troubles would go away. I do know these same people are after any public or semi-public person who has troubles, but they seriously grate me. And how an earth they think that calling me helps difficult child to 'be saved'? difficult child's season started and two of the five biggest season previews implied to difficult child's troubles (calling him problem boy etc.) so it is fresh in peoples mind. And that seems to bring whackos out. I have gotten two calls and one letter to send to difficult child, difficult child himself has gotten several calls and five letters in last month. It feels almost predatory how they are coming after people who are in trouble.

    And I can't help but feel the resentment for the guy, who did let the dogs out. When my difficult child was kicked from his former team, the team did a huge favour to him and published his transfer as any normal transfer and gave his old team mates a gag order. Some of his old coach and team management even got some flack from their fans for 'loosing difficult child.' They felt that difficult child would not have a chance if public would know and it was kept under wraps. and that bought us several months for difficult child to get his act together and I will be eternally grateful for that. Of course everyone inside the sport knew, but it really helped that fans and media didn't. When difficult child started to do very well, a parent of former team mate did tell the press though. They could not publish it with difficult child's name because of the privacy laws (and I'm happy for that), but the name quickly got all over internet. So now everyone knows. The parent of ex-teammate had even audacity to give a comment how he hopes difficult child is doing better now. I do know I should blame only difficult child, he did the deed after all, but I simply can't help but resent that other parent who did let it spill, because his jealousy (he is one of those sport parents and I firmly believe he did spill the beans becuase difficult child is doing so much better than his son.) And while mainstream media doesn't straightforwardly put what difficult child did and his name together, they really do their best in implying. As I said, difficult child always seem to stole this or that in their stories. He is referred as a problem child or a rascal etc. So they certainly are not letting anyone to forget and I resent that too. He is just a kid and he is doing his best to turn things around. Can't people give him some slack?

    Sorry for vent, but I'm so sick of loosing privacy and some people being jerks!
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2012
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    (((((hugs))))) I cannot imagine what it is like to have your child in the public eye so much. Esp when that child had problems and now some busybody has told the general public about it. Sadly I think there are a lot of people in this situation. I totally understand how you feel about the nutjobs who want to 'save' your son. I loathe having someone else's religion shoved upon me. I believe that religion is a deeply personal and private thing and no one should shove their brand of religion on anyone else.

    I do have a line that has been known to gobsmack the religious looneys who constantly want to convert or 'save' or 'fix' me or one of my family. I simply tell them that I will do ALL that is in my power to provide them with a NEED to pray for me. MOST of the looneys do not get this while I am in front of them but they think about because the emphasis I put on it and often they NEVER bring the subject up again. One of the few who daughter bring it up again was told that I would be thrilled to go and break any four of the commandments she wanted if it would help provide reason for her to pray with me. maybe even break the first commandment on her? The last part scared her so she turned pale and walked the other way from me for a few years. In my defense I was in jr high at the time and she had hounded me about it. She got her nerve up to start in on me again in high school until I let her know that I was the one who sent the lovely photos to her mommy and daddy and pastor. The ones with her and two boys and a bong and a very compromising position or three. I always had a camera with me in high school and she and the boys were at school when doing these things, so it isn't like I peeped in ehr windows. I just walked into a classroom because I heard a yell. She hasn't bothered me, or spent time in the same room as me for over 20 yrs now. Yippee!

    The line has continued to work as an adult, not the threat about the first commandment, but the rest of it. I truly sympathize with you. It must be terribly hard to go and hear all that nonsense. Just know that in time the comments will stop, one way or another. If you can, go and work with a therapist to try to figure out how to cope with all of this. it is such an invasive thing that you likely need help to learn to cope with it. I know I would.

    The other thing that shuts the religious looneys up is when you try to convert them to some strange religion (strange to them - theirs is plenty strange to you.) At one point my father told our school that we were Druid, Orthodox Reformed. We were in a Catholic school, we attended church as a family, we were active at the school and church but the school still sent home paperwork every few months asking what religion we were. After five years of telling them that we were Catholic and havng them still ask over and over again, he figured they didn't like that answer. So he gave them Druid, Orthodox Reformed. He even made up some strange tale about a service where we prayed to the maple tree in our backyard (reality was that we used the tire swing and climbing rope in it, like any normal kids would!). But it got them to stop asking him questions, esp since they saw us at mass and at functions and at school. I think Sister Helen almost choked with laughter when she heard my dad explaining his 'religion' (and yes, he did invent the Druid, Orthodox Reformed line out of thin air and not because it was something he had ever heard of) to the nun who was so worried about us when she got the forms. She was our principal and thought it was hilarious. She also kept the priest off my back about it, thankfully.

    Anyway, I hope the rumors die down soon and until then, vent to us as much as you need.

    I would STRONGLY caution you to NOT share this site with the parents that seek you out for support over their own difficult child kids. Even though I cannot identify you from what you post, I am sure some of them could figure it out and could share this. You NEED a forum where you can speak openly about this stuff and if someone in your community knows about this site, it could greatly hamper that. been there done that when my gfgbro decided to try to cyber stalk me. It was NOT fun.
  3. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I never thought we would be in this situation. My difficult child is certainly not any household name around this country, but our tabloids are so short of juicy scandals that they use anything I guess. And while only people enthusiastic of his sport do know who difficult child is, they could make those headlines our tabloids so love: 'Top singer with DUI' (meaning a singer, who once did back up singing for a band some may have heard of, at least it once had a song in top ten of some list), 'Olympic athlete shoplifted' (yeah, he was 67th at a marathon in Montreal '76) and so on. It's little bit like your college athletes, most of them only make it to bigger headlines if they screw up. But of course people always find scandals interesting, so difficult child's deeds are still gossiped.

    I had heard before that publicity and screwing up (especially addiction related) always gets religious loonies come out of their caves, but I was surprised that they would prey someone so little known as my difficult child. To my understanding, while some may really just want to get people they prey saved, for most the biggest motive is trying to get some publicity for their group. These loonies are not usually from mainstream churches, but from smaller group, who would just love to convert some more or less known person and then use them as a spokesman and advertising their group with those more or less well known celebrities. At least at times, when they hunt is successful those troubled celebrities seem to be very quickly talking both in those churches and also in media about how they got saved and about that church. Sometimes so quickly it is almost grotesque (i can remember one D class reality tv celebrity telling in the tv show, how she was saved last week thanks to this certain church and freed from alcoholism - while clearly and visibly drunk. If my son ever starts to get more interested on existential issues, I do hope it happens far from these churches...

    I try not to talk with these people. Just tell that it not my business and I'm not giving my son's address or phone number. We have also advised difficult child simply not engaging in conservations with these people and I hope he does that.

    One of the biggest reasons I registered to this site is this. When difficult child was younger, I was involved with local site geared to parents of the kids with neurological issues (mostly Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or ADHD) but there is no way I could write about my difficult child to there now. That board I have recommend to people who have come to me and told about their difficult children. There is also local support board for addiction issues I do read (but not write) and that I have also recommended. But this board I'm not recommending to anyone I know in real life. And also here I try to keep some too identifying details on my own.
  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you feel comfortable enough with us to vent. Often, when we are at professional baseball or football games with my brother in law, he will yell crazy, insulting things out to certain players which I think are embarrassingly offensive. Remarkably, some think he's funny. Never once did I ever think about brother in law's target's parents. I would doubt they would be in the cheap seats with us, but sure, it's cringeworthy, and he shouldn't even be yelling those things out in front of anybody. brother in law actually kicks the abuse up a notch if anyone voices an objection, which makes me regret going to games with him, esp. if he drinks at the game.
    Sadly, some people believe that simply because they bought a ticket to a game that gives them the right to say whatever they want. Just because we're free to do most things, doesn't necessarily mean we should do them!
    I'm sorry this causes you pain, and I'm sorry for the loonies, too. Some folks have developed a thick skin when it comes to public embarassment. I have never been able to do so...I would be crying, running for the ladies room at the stadium, if I were in your shoes, and I heard nasty, vicious comments about my difficult child. I don't think I'd be able to attend the games, either, if that happens to you frequently. Ugh. Sometimes I just lose my faith in humanity!
  5. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately many people also around here believe that when they pay their seats, that gives them the right to yell whatever they want. Fortunately players don't really hear the shouts that well over all the other noise in pro-games, but I have few times been in junior games where someone has yelled idiotic things. And that is bad because there is often only few hundred people or less and people are not much cheering or anything, just watching, so everyone can hear everything. In pro games security officers usually kick someone out only if they use racist slurs, almost anything else is fair game however bad taste. Slurs against my difficult child I have heard cover everything from his stealing, how bad player he is, him being minority (not skin colour so it's not considered racial), our family (or more my husband's job), his unpopularity among team mates to his appearance (how ugly he is, how bad his hair is etc.) And difficult child is not an only youngish player in his league even though it is a pro league. Almost every year there even tends to be two or three players who are still minors. And few more of 18-year-olds like my difficult child last year. And to me it just feels unreasonable that adult people, people in their forties or fifties or even older yell all kind of slurs for so young kids. Or yell really personal things even for adults who probably have thicker skin but still comments about their divorce, custody cases or serious health issues are just way out of line for me.

    Of course I still have to say that most cringe worthy comments of my son I have heard on the stands of the junior level game. difficult child had just turned sixteen and played with U18 squad and in one game behind me were guys from U20 squad and few young pro players from the same club and they were talking and joking about difficult child's genitals, literally, not in 'he has cojones'-way. I'm sure nothing can get more cringe worthy than that. (Okay, reading implying to same topic in his team's fan message board is also bad. I don't go to that board any more.)
  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member


    I'm sorry you have to listen to that! The best revenge is success, your difficult child may know what they think of him and it may allow him to play even better. He's on the field, playing! They're in the stands, playing is way better! Good for him. Some people are jerks. I will admit that I yell at someone my tv or at an Eagles game, but on the next play, they're my favorite player again!
  7. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Honestly I think I may have a worse problem with this than difficult child. He doesn't care that much about people on stands. For him of course what matters is, what his team mates think and that has been tough for him. But he seems to be able to live with that too somehow. For me it's just difficult to hear and read mean things about my baby, especially when it feels it is harsher than necessary.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If they didn't have this to dig up, they'd find something else. Anyone who is going to be "successful" is going to get this to some extent.