It's interesting though, I have been thinking about the fact that, in all likelihood, difficult child's girlfriend stabbed him. He says not, but that is typical of domestic violence victims, to deny and minimize what their abusers do.
People have seen her hit him quite a bit, even before this happened. That same day, she was "punching him in the face", according to the social worker at the day shelter, before he was stabbed.
I have had to rethink and expand my own understanding about domestic violence. I usually think of it as men abusing women. I know it can be the other way, but not often, I don't think (who knows?).
Now, my 25-year-old son's (he is 6 foot, 175 lbs) girlfriend (she is 5'8", 160 lbs) is in jail on aggravated domestic assault charges.
Evidently when she drinks, which is just about daily, I understand, she "snaps" and "goes nuts."
But, according to my son, she's not an alcoholic.
But back to your question: Don't we, as parents, minimize and deny what our difficult children do?
My son has never hit me. He has punched holes in our walls. He has yelled and screamed at me, and cussed at me.
He's not violent, I don't believe. I do feel abused by him, by his decisions, his behavior, his flagrant denial of the massive problems he has and the complete resistance to true help.
But evidently his girlfriend is violent, even if she did not stab him. She has hit him. I asked him about that, and he said the people who said that were lying.
I am hoping she stays in jail and can't get out any time soon. I am hoping, as the probable recipient of the abuse, that his account is discredited by enough people who say otherwise.
If your son is abusing you and your household, I would seek advice from law enforcement and the domestic violence experts in your community about the possible steps you can take. I would not keep on letting it happen, and hoping it will stop.
Both husband and I had every right to do so. My son cornered me and spit in my face adn would not let me leave the corner and threatened to hit me. He has shoved my ex, who has always been sick and frail. He also forced my daughter to watch porn movies and if she covered her eyes, he pulled them off and lifted her head so she had to see, laughing in an evil way. We didn't know about t hat until they were no longer living together though or he would have been out, out, out, no second chances.
After the night my son threatened me (and it wasn't the first time...I SHOULD have called the cops, but he was still a minor and not until the very last time did I really think he could be dangerous)...he left and I haven't lived with him since and won't. In retrospect, I should have called the cops after he left. He was over eighteen by then and it WAS domestic abuse. He slapped me once across the face too when he was sixteen, but I felt I had started it by shoving his shoulder. We do give them lots of leeway, don't we?
My ex is not the type to ever call the cops on his kids. He let 36 live with him even though he was inappropriate there on many levels and swore at him and shoved him around.
GuideME --- YES. When our son was 15 (1 wk shy of 16), his friend revealed to me her concern about his meth use. That was our first notice of hard drugs (he still does hard drugs). My husband found our son at his friend's house across the street and told him to come home now. Son at first agreed, then went into full-on rage mode -- shoving and swinging at my husband in our front yard.
I ran into our house and called 911. (ALWAYS KEEP PHONE IN HAND DURING CRISIS -- NO MATTER WHAT)
Police came quickly (we live in a good community for police assistance and our difficult child was already well-known by police since age 10 for a variety of problems and charges). difficult child escalated and fought police, physically. Managed to escape them and run off. While we were looking for him, he ran back inside our house and locked all doors -- locking us and police out.
Eventually, police convinced him to unlock door (to my surprise) and they arrested him on DV-Assault charges. WE DID NOT PRESS THE CHARGES, THE POLICE DID. Apparently, in our state, any time someone is 16 (our difficult child was only 1 week away from turning 16 and already a long legal history), DV charges are automatically pressed by The State. States differ greatly on DV protocols.
difficult child went to jail for 16 days -- including his 16th b-day. difficult child got snide with judge and complained he shouldn't be forced to be in jail on his b-day. Judge got snide back and offered to double or triple difficult child's sentence. difficult child stopped complaining. Judge was ready to release difficult child to probation, but I insisted on formal Drug Assessment. Judge agreed. difficult child was assessed and determined to need long-term in-pt rehab (dual diagnosis -- mental health and polysubstance abuse). difficult child spent 105 days doing in-pt rehab. Did not complete program (most complete program in 90 days, but difficult child was non-compliant). When our insurance and $$$ ran out, difficult child was released on probation.
He came home with us and lasted about 10 days before another police incident. After obtaining permission from his probation officer (she was a good one -- we requested a switch and # 2 was a good one), she released him from having to live with us. He was just 16. He has lived with us twice (briefly -- 2-3 wks?) since then before police came each time. That was it......we drew the line and he has not, does not, and will not live with us again.
All issues continue in similar fashion, 8 yrs later.
** Although no lasting changes have occurred, the best short-term changes (for both difficult child and us -- his parents) came because of legal intervention. WE HAVE A RIGHT TO OUR SAFETY!
GuideMe -- Sending you positive thoughts, prayers, and best wishes for peace and safety!
RE: PHONES & LAWS --- I always keep phone in hand during crisis -- to call 911, if needed. Our son figured this out and began grabbing the phone from my hands or blocking me from calling. I'd run to another room and grab another phone (landline, at the time) and call 911. When police came, they advised me that it's a crime to PREVENT someone from calling 911. A crime of "Obstruction" of 911 call can be pressed.
Well, crap......... Whaddya know. Who just showed up (and I mean right this minute) on my FB page wanting something. Pardon diversion, this thread is about you, not me. I just wanted to express it. Will start another thread if about me if I need to.
Guide me, I haven't had to do that, yet, and my difficult child has never threatened me. I do think he is crazy, though, and might let crazy or dangerous people in the house, and I think when he is manic he can behave quite irrationally. I lock my bedroom door if I sleep when he is in the house...well actually we will put that in past tense, because he won't be in the house again any time soon. It was a dark period when I realized that I was afraid that I might wake up and find him, or one of his friends, standing over the bed.
You are in good company here. My SO's ex hit him and tried to run him over with a car, and also threatened to break his windows and to use her car as a battering ram to trash his house. He got a protection from abuse order against her. When they went to court, even though she was clearly standing in on the defendents side and he was clearly on the plaintive side, the judge started with a "sir do you understand that you may not own a gun..."etc, the instructions to the defendent (she plea bargained yes to the PFA...he wanted three years and settled for one).
It was pretty shocking, really. Anyway, yeah, as long as there are guns, weapons, cars, and stuff that equalizes strength, abuse will go both ways.
(PS I am just a nice girl who grew up in Northern Jersey. I never had a police officer in my house until difficult child and then SO and his deranged ex came along. Now the neighborhood beat cops (I LIVE IN A BIG CITY< MIND YOU!!) know my house, my son, and my name. Damn. Sometimes I miss those days of innocence!)