Has anyone else experience this?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by sweetiegirlz, Oct 2, 2007.

  1. sweetiegirlz

    sweetiegirlz New Member

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'> </span> <span style='font-family: Century Gothic'> </span> So I am a newbie lol. I have a LOT of questions. You guys have helped me so much already with my difficult child. (I love it here!)

    The situation is now getting started towards a new evaluation for my difficult child with a Child Psychiatrist.

    I have ordered the book Explosive Child yesterday through wal-mart online.

    I feel so much relief.

    But OFTEN after a particularly bad round of mental tug of war with my difficult child, usually occurs over the weekend, by the way. She is now on Tuesday,mellow and so.... well NORMAL. That I feel GUILTY!!! for thinking something is wrong with her personality.

    And yet I have been dealing with her symptoms for 8 years (since she was 3 years old) It sometimes feels as if I am going crazy in this manner.

    She has been so peaceful (although still quietly defiant) today and yesterday, it makes me feel as if I have been imagining things all along...WEIRD FEELING.

    Has anyone else experienced this? What in the world to do about it?

    I have started keeping a journal of her moods/reactions/outbursts /and things that she might say to me and her sister. just to see how many ups and downs she has in a given month.
  2. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Yes; they make you think you're crazy and maybe it was just a phase. lol

    8 years isn't likely a phase. Keep going forward. The worst that could happen is the evaluation finds nothing or it is inconclusive. At least you have a base line to work from in the future.
  3. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    My youngest difficult child is the BEST at making me feel like I'm crazy. One minute he's an angel and cute as can be, the next minute he is carrying out his next nefarious scheme. Dr. Jekel/Mr. Hyde syndrome it seems.

    You're not alone! Keep moving forward like Sheila said. Describe it like this to the new psychiatrist. They are familiar with this too!

    Good luck and welcome to the board!
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Since you're journaling, you might also want to document her food. It could be that there's an allergy causing some of her behaviors. Glutens (bread, pasta) sensitivities are common problems. So are some of the dyes. It could be that she is eating things on weekends that she doesn't have access to during the week. Just a thought.

    My daughter was the opposite -- severe acting out starting from Sunday night, total escalation to uncontrollability by Wednsday. Calmed down and sweet by Friday. A lot of her behaviors were due to stress at school where she was frequently teased and where she felt like she was a total outcast.

    No matter the cause, what you're describing is not that uncommon. Sometimes it is simply the fact that they can only hold it together for so long. She wants to look good at school, be acceptable, so she maintains the best she can. However, by Friday she is ready to explode and, tag!, you're the only available target.

    Hope you get in soon for the evaluation. It will help to have some answers.
  5. morningcuppa

    morningcuppa New Member

    Hi there

    It sounds all too familiar. My son is 22 and still melts down. Then acts as if nothing had happened and I think I am going mad! A real Jeckyl and Hyde. He is Gemini star sign and I think he has a twin hiding in the house somewhere. He goes upsatirs in one mood and comes down in another. I kept hoping it was just a phase he would grow out of but really it has been a battle for nearly 20 years!
    I advise you to keep seeking help as it is not funny when they are 22 and big and strong.

    Good luck.
  6. sweetiegirlz

    sweetiegirlz New Member

    Thank you to all. I know I am not crazy. It helps a million x10 just knowing that someone else has gone where i am now treading!

    GUILT is still a major point in the situation. My guilt, not hers because I don't think she feels any. As I find it very hard to hug her or tell her that I love her. No wonder she's jealous of her younger sib, a easy child, who gets tons of affection, while her difficult child is getting yelled at punished and chastised.

    Can't you just hear it?
    difficult child: "I hate you, you're the meanest mom in the world and you're stupid and ugly, and I can't wait to live with daddy!"

    me: " awww i love u so much darling come heres and gives mommie a big ole hug and kisssss! "

    Not happening folks!Can't bring myself to do this and doubt if she'd submit to a hug. LOL I know that sounds cruel but I'm assuming there's more parenting skills to be learned on my end too.

    Yesterday and today is just the beginning of the help I am seeking for my difficult child. I am hoping that her life will change dramatically.
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I understand what you mean about not wanting to give her a hug or tell her that you love you. I've felt that way so many, many times. However, it is usually when she was most unloveable that she needed the love the most. It was hard to love her when she was abusing me both physically and verbally. Hugging her was out of the question. What I could do, though, was stroke her hair or give her a gentle pat when she walked by. I could sit by her bed as she slept and hold her hand or stroke a part of her. There were times she would pretend to be asleep as I did this. We both knew it but it was okay. It was a way to show some love to a child who rejected it at every possible turn.

    It took me some time and thought (and a very, very good therapist) but I finally understood that I truly loved the child as much as I truly loathed her behavior. Once I could disassociate her from her actions, it was much easier to allow myself to love her, to show some of that love. When she says she hates me, I respond that it's a good thing I have enough love for both us. When she wishes I was dead, I simply tell her I can understand her feeling that way.

    I, too, felt guilty that I couldn't give this child/adolescent the love she needed. I had to force myself in the beginning. Little by little, it became easier. Little by little, the gestures began to be less of a chore and more of a way of showing she was special.

    Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. You didn't come to those feelings overnight. It took a lot of effort on the part of your daughter to turn you away. It will take a lot of effort on your part to turn back.
  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    It's so normal. I do what MB says, too...stroking the hair, giving her a pat. difficult child would be very uncomfortable with a hug, anyway. Not her cup of tea.

    by the way, you said her behavior is typically worse over the weekend. I'm wondering a couple things. 1) Some kids need a lot of structure and unstructured time can result in meltdowns, etc. My difficult child craves structure and loves tradition. She will ask me to help her create a schedule. I'm so not structured, so I've really had to work at this. I'm still working at it, too. LOL 2) Some kids are able to maintain for a certain amount of time (with mine it's the school day), but it takes a toll. It's exhausting and they get to a point where they just can't anymore and everything they've been holding in comes pouring out.

    Just a couple of thoughts.
  9. sweetiegirlz

    sweetiegirlz New Member

    okay I will try these suggestions thanks.
  10. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    You are doing great job of seeking help for your daughter. Until you have a working diagnosis, try and think about the fact that she may not be able to help some of the things she says or the moods she gets into. It's kinda like the story of the black sheep - she needs your support, love, and understanding even more. She could be totally confused and conflicted inside.

    I agree with Heather regarding the change in routine over the weekend. She may really respond to the stucture and routine on school days and be totally lost on the weekends. I know when my difficult child was younger, free time was the worse.

    There were times when I would look at difficult child and he would be so sweet and loving, I would wonder if I imagined the rage and anger.

    It is normal in many cases.

    Keep on plugging with the reading and moving on with the evaluation. And remember, her life won't change dramatically with a new diagnosis, the addition of medications and therapy. Little baby steps and improvements will happen slowly. It's not just her life that will change, but those who are intimate with her as well. It doesn't happen overnight.

    But I can tell that it can happen with early intervention. It took from several months to a number of years for my difficult child to gain maturity and some level of control over himself. It is something that will never end - it will get better, but it will always be a work in progress with our difficult children.

  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    If the guilt (like it did me) truly bothers you I highly recommend seeing a therapist (my personal sounding board) and really learn how NOT to be a doormat, or feel guilty.

    Some people benefit from 1-2 sessions to get a professional perspective and stay in focus.

    Others like myself have gone for over 11 years and still learning.

    -but I'm much better now!


    ps. I can't tell you how not to be guilty about anything, but my therapist made it crystal clear to me. And with a kid like mine NOTHING was clear or crystal.