Has anyone else thrown their 18 yr old out?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by cage11, Jul 20, 2007.

  1. cage11

    cage11 New Member

    At the adivise of my daughter's psychiatrist I threw her out 2 days ago. My heart is broken. I'm trying to be tough but it is so hard. After she left she sent me a text message that said "I love you". I haven't heard from her since. I called to check in with her today and she hung up on me. No response to my voice message. At least she picked up so I know she is alive. Has anyone had this experience? I just want her to want to come home and follow some rules. She is a completely out of control and irresponsible 18 yr old - ODD, bipolar.
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    yes yes yes
    many of us have done so.
    please read the
    Parent Emeritus forum in this website. it is hard, I cry a lot and get worried when I do that. I threw my son out time and again. last time was 3 months ago. he is 24, he cannot come home again. sigh.
  3. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I sort of did -- she had a choice to do what was required or leave. She opted to leave. She then lived with friends until they had had enough and told her to leave. During this 6-week period, I talked to her 3 times. Her next move was to join the carnival. I did not hear from her for almost a month. She quit the carny when another girl threatened to kill her cause some guy was interested in my daughter. From there, she ended up homeless and, finally, in one of the worst gang-ridden areas of our state. While she was gone, I was in tremendous fear and pain.

    She has now been home for about a month. She is a changed person. More willing to help in the home; kinder, more loving towards me. I've also changed and have come to realize she has a right to make decisions so long as they don't harm her, our pets, our home or me. Neither of us are perfect and we both go backwards on occasion but we turn it around and work on having a good relationship now rather than a home at war.

    So, as much as this hurts you right now, it can be a good thing for you and your daughter. I hope you have an ending much like ours.
  5. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I threw out my 18 year old son. Things were completely out of control. He refused to work (why should he?) he lived with us and stole, freaked out, and wrecked the house-robbed us.Threatening, hurting his brothers and on and on... Thats a short version. We had to save ourselves and I had other kids who I had to protect. It is heartbreaking. You need to save yourself. Sure, she'll text she loves you, but these kids say anything, they know how to pull at your heartstrings. Actions speak louder than words. Be strong, you can get through this. Have a set of "answers" ready for her when she calls-like,"You're a smart girl, I'm sure you'll figure it out". This is the only way some kids realize they need to help themselves. The more we give them, or do for them-the less they do for themselves. Some kids will learn this hard way. It's not easy for them or for us. I'm sorry for the havoc your daughter has caused, I know what it feels like to walk on eggshells and feel so bad that you have to throw out your own child.My son ,now almost 2 years later, has a job, pays rent, and is on his own. He can never live here because it will be the same thing all over again(he asks to), but we took him and his friend out to dinner and a movie Wednesday night- and we do have a relationship now. We had a restraining order even at one point.Things will get better for you and your family. -Alyssa
  6. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    my experience has been similar to Alyssa's. I had to throw out my 18 yr old dtr for many of the same reasons and it was a relief yet hard. She ended up staying in a Red Cross shelter in our town with her boyfriend, then got an apt. and finally even a job. Things were still rocky though--we were helping financially and she was lying all the time about what she needed money for, etc. Finally, last May I told her we were done helping her financially (I had come to the end of my rope--she abandoned her apt., her pet rat, and owed 2 months rent) and lo and behold she ended up taking care of herself! She is 19 now and has a job, an apt., and doesn't come to me asking for help anymore. We talk and/or see each other occasionally and it is pleasant--she is always nice to me and I enjoy seeing her now. I still tense up when my phone rings and I see it is her calling but she now just calls to say "hi" with no hidden agenda.

    You can do this!!!! She will try to manipulate you and make you feel sorry for her, try to be strong and come here to get help, we can help you find your strength when it waivers.

  7. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    We gave our step-son an ultimatum when he was 18. He didn't live up to our agreement so we had to give him 2 months to leave. He ended up moving in with a friend who kicked him out 6 months later. He moved in with his mom who kicked him out after a couple of months. He hopped from friend to friend until he got a job and kept it long enough to get an apartment.

    He's now 25 and still has an apartment, a job, and a car.
  8. cage11

    cage11 New Member

    Oh thank you everyone for your support! This is so HARD. I've almost picked up the phone 10 times to tell her to come home but know I can't. She is totally out of control and is a very angry child. I'm hoping she will grow up out there and not get hurt. That is my big worry now as she hangs out in some of the worst neighborhoods in the city. You guys are helping me to be strong and not feel alone in this. Thanks.
  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    dont call her as you will undo the good you have already suffered thru..lol
    my son scared me to near death more than a few times. he is now 24, has his own place and paid his own rent now for two months. he works daily, has a cellphone and cable TV (two things I dont even have..lol)
    let her grow up now.
    she will thank you later.
    the alternative is ending up letting her rule the roost. she is problem smart and creative and will not suffer.
  10. judi

    judi Active Member

    Count me in this group too! Our son left four months before his 18th bd, came back a year later, stayed two years and has been gone now for a year! He is 22, takes risks I wish he wouldn't, doesn't have a cell phone, car, job, nothing. He does however, have a beautiful son whom we help with. Our contact is now only about our grandson.

    It is very sad - sometimes they get it, sometimes they don't.
  11. amstrong

    amstrong New Member


    Kicked difficult child out last year upon his turning 18 and adopting the I can do whatever I want attitude. He was out for 12 (sleeples for me) nights, got in some trouble with the law (I refused to bail him out)and after court, begged to come home. He did pretty well this year, graduated high school, moved out in a fit of anger (lasted a few days)and came home agreeing to follow the rules understading that we are not operating a revolving door.

    About a month ago, he made a really bad decision and totalled his car and got himself a DUI. He has been to court, is paying his fines, taking his classes and following our rules. We have been getting him to and from work and he is paying for the gas. I just found out that I am going to be gainfully employed again as of this coming Tuesdday and he has already made arrangements with his boss to walk to the store that is near our home and catch a ride on the delivery truck to the store he works at. He did this on his own. I am thinking that maybe this last go round of bad behavior has opened his eyes. One can always hope

    Hang in there, and try not to call her. She knows you love her but she is angry right now. I know it is hard but in the long run, it may be just what she needs.

  12. cage11

    cage11 New Member

    That is exactly what brought me to this point, the "I'm 18 and can do whatever I want" attitude. You hit the nail on the head with that one! She did graduate high school - barely - and only because I fought the school for accommodations. We were not sure if she passed or not until the actual day of graduation. Now I'm just asking her to be responsible for her actions.
    Does your son have a curfew? I'm trying to decide a reasonable curfew for an 18 year old. She was good about keeping in touch but did not come home many nights. When she comes back (I think she will) I want to have firm rules. She called last night and asked to come home and I said no. She said she lost her cell phone on the bus and had no place to go.
    All I can do is cry.
  13. kelrunran

    kelrunran New Member

    Two weeks ago we kicked our 18 year old son out of the house, for the same reasons already mentioned. It absolutely breaks my heart and I will send him text messages but he won't respond so now I have stopped.

    He has been in trouble with the law and now I see (on the sherriff's website) he was arrested again last night. This is all so dreadful. I just pray that we will some day have a happy ending. We didn't have trouble with him until he turned 18 so I know he can make the right choices but for some reason he is trying to not live the life's rules.

    I know we must be strong and let them figure it out. I have decided that I will not respond to his text messages should he try. He will have to come talk to my husband and I face to face. Ahh this is all so sad and tough. K
  14. amstrong

    amstrong New Member


    He has to be in by midnite. If he chooses to spend the night away from home it is only on nights he does not have to work the next day as he depends on us for ride to work.

    He tries to buck the system but knows that he will lose his ride to work if he does not adhere to the house rules and then he will not have the $$ to replace the car he totalled.

    This is mine and husband's home and WE let him live here. Lay down your rules when and if you let her come home and stick to them. We put it in contract form that specifically states failure to adhere will result in his being told to live elsewhere.

    Try not to cry-give this over to you higher power and focus on you.

    Be strong!
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I made my eighteen year old seriously drug using eighteen year old leave when she got busted at home and the police found all kinds of interesting stuff in her room. And I checked her room! but she hid everything in clever places. She'd been on parole twice, and I had two younger kids--they didn't need to see that. PLus her behavior was off-the-wall.
    She turned her life around quick when she saw that we weren't going to let her come back. I was shocked at how fast she turned her life around. It's been five years now, and she thinks I did the right thing (although she hated me at the time). To make it easier on YOU, you may find places she can stay at--homeless shelters or friends who she may listen to--my daughter would listen more to others than us. I cried for three straight weeks, but I did it.