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Has anyone moved to distance themselves from adult children?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 677964" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Tish, you stepped in during an emergency. You have given one year. It is never going to be an easy thing to return full responsibility for grand's care to your son, but for his sake and yours, it is time to do that. With adequate preparation time and Social Services involvement son will be able to take over grandson's care.</p><p></p><p>It would be best to set a date for that now.</p><p></p><p>There was a time I wanted to stay for the sake of the kids and grands. D H insisted that for their sake, we needed to leave. How are our adult children ever to develop confidence in their own parenting abilities, or in their ability to create and maintain a home, when we are taking responsibility? </p><p></p><p>My D H was correct, I think. The kids are still having the strangest kinds of problems. The difference is that the kids are recognizing their parts in creating the problems because we are not there to blame. Now, the kids blame us for other things. But they are taking responsibility for the parts of their lives for which we are no longer taking responsibility.</p><p></p><p>That is the most compelling reason for you and D H to go on with your lives as initially planned. You have helped. Now it is time to give responsibility for their lives back to the kids.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p></p><p>D H and I did relocate. We live near the area where we raised the kids during the summer, and very far from there during the winter months. </p><p></p><p>Moving away where no one knew anything about our children changed us, Tish. Over the first weeks and months, we began seeing one another as individuals instead of as Mom and Dad or Grandma and Grandpa. For us, this decreased the pain attending those titles for us. We began dressing differently. We became interested in different hobbies. We met fascinating people.</p><p></p><p>Our lives changed.</p><p></p><p>Who we believe ourselves to be changed.</p><p></p><p>We became less responsible. We stopped putting on that old double harness <em>and as they have learned to rely on themselves, and to that very degree, our children have benefited. </em></p><p></p><p>It was the right thing to do. Not the perfect thing, and not the problem-free thing. </p><p></p><p>But it was the right thing, for all of us.</p><p></p><p>There were still so many challenges with the kids ~ you all know that. I post about them, here. There are challenges with my Family of Origin. There are all kinds of challenges...but we are somehow made stronger by driving away, by creating what we will and learning who that makes us. And really, choosing who that makes us ~ choosing who we will be.</p><p></p><p>Who are we, without our people?</p><p></p><p>Very much better people, ourselves, as it turns out.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Healthier and stronger and more rested, you will be able to provide respite, or to provide a place for son to come to relax with his people. Getting away from it, getting to a place where no one knows and where we are not continually reminded of the sad things is so good for us, Tish. When we are not there, when we are not part of the day to day of it, then we can support our adult children in the way we are meant to ~ as people who have been through difficult times, and who have done the right thing, and who have come through it, too.</p><p></p><p>We can give our children confidence and hope when we are far away in a way that we cannot, when problems overwhelm us and we all are just too close in.</p><p></p><p>I hope you think about relocating.</p><p></p><p>This is how we did it: D H did not want to live in another country. So, we vacationed in each of the states we were considering. Then, we rented for one year in the part of the state we believed was the one. Then, we bought property there.</p><p></p><p>Small steps.</p><p></p><p>When we arrived in the state we had chosen for that first year Tish, we brought nothing with us. Not a sheet, no silverware, no bed ~ nothing. We have all those things now. It was an adventure (boy, was it!) to pull our new lives out of nothing at all. We have the funniest stories about traveling with a dog and a cat and a goldfish. We have stayed in the worst dives you could imagine, slept outside in our car and been rained on, lived in some of the most beautiful places ever. We have learned one another, and have learned to rely on one another, in the most incredible ways.</p><p></p><p>I say go for it.</p><p></p><p>Explore with an Atlas and then, online. Where do you dream of living? Explore the possible ways you could make that happen. There are so many ways to make things happen, Tish. Instead of exploring options for creating our dreams come true, we automatically tell ourselves that would never be possible <em>for us</em>. And so, <em>for us</em>, nothing changes.</p><p></p><p>If you only have a few days off, then get your Atlas out and go that far this time. There will be so many changes in your lives, just from having driven away together. Boundaries between yourselves and your children and your people will seem stronger, just because you have driven away, together.</p><p></p><p>Very important to do that, Tish. To drive away, together. All the better if you don't know exactly where. </p><p></p><p>Then, plan a longer getaway, farther away.</p><p></p><p>Then, dream a different kind of dream for your future. Everything you believe you know about yourselves and one another will have changed because you drove away together those first few times.</p><p></p><p>More than anything we are imprisoned by the way we think.</p><p></p><p>You will not be deserting your grand. You have given a full year. Now it is time to return his care to his parents. Social Services will be there to help. When you come home on vacation, you will see grandson. During the time you are away, you can send him things in the mail and call him on the phone. </p><p></p><p>We can love our people from close up or from far away.</p><p></p><p>There will be times you will miss them, fiercely. There will be times you will be amazed at the lives you have created without your children. There will be times you will marvel at who you and your D H will have become to one another.</p><p></p><p>It isn't that we leave our children, Tish. It is that we go on with our lives, as we should do, for their sakes and our own. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 677964, member: 17461"] Tish, you stepped in during an emergency. You have given one year. It is never going to be an easy thing to return full responsibility for grand's care to your son, but for his sake and yours, it is time to do that. With adequate preparation time and Social Services involvement son will be able to take over grandson's care. It would be best to set a date for that now. There was a time I wanted to stay for the sake of the kids and grands. D H insisted that for their sake, we needed to leave. How are our adult children ever to develop confidence in their own parenting abilities, or in their ability to create and maintain a home, when we are taking responsibility? My D H was correct, I think. The kids are still having the strangest kinds of problems. The difference is that the kids are recognizing their parts in creating the problems because we are not there to blame. Now, the kids blame us for other things. But they are taking responsibility for the parts of their lives for which we are no longer taking responsibility. That is the most compelling reason for you and D H to go on with your lives as initially planned. You have helped. Now it is time to give responsibility for their lives back to the kids. *** D H and I did relocate. We live near the area where we raised the kids during the summer, and very far from there during the winter months. Moving away where no one knew anything about our children changed us, Tish. Over the first weeks and months, we began seeing one another as individuals instead of as Mom and Dad or Grandma and Grandpa. For us, this decreased the pain attending those titles for us. We began dressing differently. We became interested in different hobbies. We met fascinating people. Our lives changed. Who we believe ourselves to be changed. We became less responsible. We stopped putting on that old double harness [I]and as they have learned to rely on themselves, and to that very degree, our children have benefited. [/I] It was the right thing to do. Not the perfect thing, and not the problem-free thing. But it was the right thing, for all of us. There were still so many challenges with the kids ~ you all know that. I post about them, here. There are challenges with my Family of Origin. There are all kinds of challenges...but we are somehow made stronger by driving away, by creating what we will and learning who that makes us. And really, choosing who that makes us ~ choosing who we will be. Who are we, without our people? Very much better people, ourselves, as it turns out. :O) Healthier and stronger and more rested, you will be able to provide respite, or to provide a place for son to come to relax with his people. Getting away from it, getting to a place where no one knows and where we are not continually reminded of the sad things is so good for us, Tish. When we are not there, when we are not part of the day to day of it, then we can support our adult children in the way we are meant to ~ as people who have been through difficult times, and who have done the right thing, and who have come through it, too. We can give our children confidence and hope when we are far away in a way that we cannot, when problems overwhelm us and we all are just too close in. I hope you think about relocating. This is how we did it: D H did not want to live in another country. So, we vacationed in each of the states we were considering. Then, we rented for one year in the part of the state we believed was the one. Then, we bought property there. Small steps. When we arrived in the state we had chosen for that first year Tish, we brought nothing with us. Not a sheet, no silverware, no bed ~ nothing. We have all those things now. It was an adventure (boy, was it!) to pull our new lives out of nothing at all. We have the funniest stories about traveling with a dog and a cat and a goldfish. We have stayed in the worst dives you could imagine, slept outside in our car and been rained on, lived in some of the most beautiful places ever. We have learned one another, and have learned to rely on one another, in the most incredible ways. I say go for it. Explore with an Atlas and then, online. Where do you dream of living? Explore the possible ways you could make that happen. There are so many ways to make things happen, Tish. Instead of exploring options for creating our dreams come true, we automatically tell ourselves that would never be possible [I]for us[/I]. And so, [I]for us[/I], nothing changes. If you only have a few days off, then get your Atlas out and go that far this time. There will be so many changes in your lives, just from having driven away together. Boundaries between yourselves and your children and your people will seem stronger, just because you have driven away, together. Very important to do that, Tish. To drive away, together. All the better if you don't know exactly where. Then, plan a longer getaway, farther away. Then, dream a different kind of dream for your future. Everything you believe you know about yourselves and one another will have changed because you drove away together those first few times. More than anything we are imprisoned by the way we think. You will not be deserting your grand. You have given a full year. Now it is time to return his care to his parents. Social Services will be there to help. When you come home on vacation, you will see grandson. During the time you are away, you can send him things in the mail and call him on the phone. We can love our people from close up or from far away. There will be times you will miss them, fiercely. There will be times you will be amazed at the lives you have created without your children. There will be times you will marvel at who you and your D H will have become to one another. It isn't that we leave our children, Tish. It is that we go on with our lives, as we should do, for their sakes and our own. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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