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Hate...what is it?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 667983" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>What I think I see is that the sisters believe if it weren't for us, their mothers would have been the mothers they needed; their lives would have been perfect or at least, better, richer, fuller. They would have been loved, enough. That has to do with the pseudo mom role I am always posting about. Part of the pseudo mom role is to carry the resentment the sister feels and cannot acknowledge toward the dysfunctional real mother. The sisters' feelings for us are bound up in a sense of invisibility, in feelings of shame or less than having to do with their relationships to the real mother.</p><p></p><p>One more time, like it always turns out to be, nothing to do with us. And worse still, nothing we can do to change any of this.</p><p></p><p>Each of the sisters behaviors toward us are so similar. They say they love us, but they act like they hate us. They do things like Serenity's sister does, or they pray rings of thorns around us, or they shun us when we come home to see our mothers safely through their final illnesses. Because each of us are experiencing the same kinds of things with our sisters, this kind of thinking, this need to see us discredited, to climb on top of our discredited bones so they can see themselves, has to be a pattern in dysfunctional families. A far extreme of unresolved sibling rivalry. All the sibs are so lonely and damaged and hurt. The more time we spend together, the stronger the feelings of cognitive dissonance.</p><p></p><p>Copa gave us that term.</p><p></p><p>When we have left our families of origin, and each of us has, the relationships in the family of origin came back into balance ~ as is the pattern in our families ~ through disparaging the missing or ostracized (or cut off, or shunned) member.</p><p></p><p>Our sisters are more lonely than we are.</p><p></p><p>They don't have sisters, either. They do have the mother. I wonder which is worse. They may be more confused about why they think of us as they do, about why they cannot find satisfaction in the loss of their relationships to us, than we are.</p><p></p><p>I don't know whether they love us. I think they do not. I think what they feel for us is a mixture of unresolved sibling rivalry (with a bullet) and adult jealousy having to do with the cultures of scarcity we all grew up in.</p><p></p><p>Ours are dysfunctional families.</p><p></p><p>If we can be vanished or discredited, then there will be fewer options for the mother. The mother will love the sister. The sister will feel valued.</p><p>The sisters have not been able to see that the core problem is the mother's behaviors to all of her children, and to everyone in her life.</p><p></p><p>When we have been out of the picture, the sisters may finally have felt seen, may finally have felt valued, in their relationships to their mothers. Given that the game, in my family at least, involves uniting against some disparaged other (my father, my grandmother, one brother or the other, one set of grands against the other) it seems to me that the sisters learned that joining with the mother was only possible through disparaging us.</p><p></p><p>Or, through disparaging someone. Remember the story about the lady driver and the way she was treated by my mom, and by my sister's family. When I was told about it, my sister laughed and laughed about how they all stood there, rolling their eyes at one another behind the lady's back. Rolling their eyes at the lady's confusion, and embarrassment. Though the lady had stayed the night at my sister's home when she and my mother had arrived late into the evening in years past, this year, suddenly and unexpectedly, there was nowhere for her to stay once she brought my mom to my sister's house.</p><p></p><p>The lady stayed at a motel, which was easily accomplished. The hurt of it was that she had not been told in advance that the rules had changed. She had not made preparation for herself and her safety. She had not researched motels or made reservations, and she did not know where she would have dinner.</p><p></p><p>Or that she would be having her dinner alone.</p><p></p><p>That is the feel of it. That is the difference between feeling honored or cherished or cared for, and the feeling tone of scarcity accomplished in a dysfunctional family.</p><p></p><p>And I am sure the lady wondered whether she had offended on past visits; whether they believed her to have stolen something, maybe.</p><p></p><p>But she hadn't.</p><p></p><p>That is how we were sold into slavery, too. That family dynamic, that eye rolling ridicule, that us against them feeling ~ that is what we were enslaved to.</p><p></p><p>That is what we carry. </p><p></p><p>It never had one blessed thing to do with us.</p><p></p><p>We don't like that eye rolling stuff. Boom. Out we go.</p><p></p><p>Now, they are rolling their eyes at us. If there haven't been quite enough factual screw ups in our lives to justify their unifying against us through ridicule, they will go ahead and invent things and believe them and tell everyone whatever it is they have come to believe. It's like, if enough of us believe this is the truth, then, this is the truth.</p><p></p><p>That's been why this has been so disorienting for us.</p><p></p><p>We wonder too, just what is true.</p><p></p><p>No one knows.</p><p></p><p>So, we have to become our own best mothers. With the negative tapes the dysfunctional family has left roaring away in our heads. We have decided to work through those tapes, those nasty, shame based tapes, to figure out what it is that is true, about us.</p><p></p><p>We are doing so well...but it is a sad and hurtful thing to see what it is that is true.</p><p></p><p>That's okay, though. It is better to know. It doesn't mean we can't cherish our sisters in our thoughts. In their secret hearts ~ secret even from themselves maybe ~ of course they cherish us, too. If love is the default emotion, as Nietzsche claims, they do love us.</p><p></p><p>They just don't know it.</p><p></p><p>So, we will know it, for them.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 667983, member: 17461"] What I think I see is that the sisters believe if it weren't for us, their mothers would have been the mothers they needed; their lives would have been perfect or at least, better, richer, fuller. They would have been loved, enough. That has to do with the pseudo mom role I am always posting about. Part of the pseudo mom role is to carry the resentment the sister feels and cannot acknowledge toward the dysfunctional real mother. The sisters' feelings for us are bound up in a sense of invisibility, in feelings of shame or less than having to do with their relationships to the real mother. One more time, like it always turns out to be, nothing to do with us. And worse still, nothing we can do to change any of this. Each of the sisters behaviors toward us are so similar. They say they love us, but they act like they hate us. They do things like Serenity's sister does, or they pray rings of thorns around us, or they shun us when we come home to see our mothers safely through their final illnesses. Because each of us are experiencing the same kinds of things with our sisters, this kind of thinking, this need to see us discredited, to climb on top of our discredited bones so they can see themselves, has to be a pattern in dysfunctional families. A far extreme of unresolved sibling rivalry. All the sibs are so lonely and damaged and hurt. The more time we spend together, the stronger the feelings of cognitive dissonance. Copa gave us that term. When we have left our families of origin, and each of us has, the relationships in the family of origin came back into balance ~ as is the pattern in our families ~ through disparaging the missing or ostracized (or cut off, or shunned) member. Our sisters are more lonely than we are. They don't have sisters, either. They do have the mother. I wonder which is worse. They may be more confused about why they think of us as they do, about why they cannot find satisfaction in the loss of their relationships to us, than we are. I don't know whether they love us. I think they do not. I think what they feel for us is a mixture of unresolved sibling rivalry (with a bullet) and adult jealousy having to do with the cultures of scarcity we all grew up in. Ours are dysfunctional families. If we can be vanished or discredited, then there will be fewer options for the mother. The mother will love the sister. The sister will feel valued. The sisters have not been able to see that the core problem is the mother's behaviors to all of her children, and to everyone in her life. When we have been out of the picture, the sisters may finally have felt seen, may finally have felt valued, in their relationships to their mothers. Given that the game, in my family at least, involves uniting against some disparaged other (my father, my grandmother, one brother or the other, one set of grands against the other) it seems to me that the sisters learned that joining with the mother was only possible through disparaging us. Or, through disparaging someone. Remember the story about the lady driver and the way she was treated by my mom, and by my sister's family. When I was told about it, my sister laughed and laughed about how they all stood there, rolling their eyes at one another behind the lady's back. Rolling their eyes at the lady's confusion, and embarrassment. Though the lady had stayed the night at my sister's home when she and my mother had arrived late into the evening in years past, this year, suddenly and unexpectedly, there was nowhere for her to stay once she brought my mom to my sister's house. The lady stayed at a motel, which was easily accomplished. The hurt of it was that she had not been told in advance that the rules had changed. She had not made preparation for herself and her safety. She had not researched motels or made reservations, and she did not know where she would have dinner. Or that she would be having her dinner alone. That is the feel of it. That is the difference between feeling honored or cherished or cared for, and the feeling tone of scarcity accomplished in a dysfunctional family. And I am sure the lady wondered whether she had offended on past visits; whether they believed her to have stolen something, maybe. But she hadn't. That is how we were sold into slavery, too. That family dynamic, that eye rolling ridicule, that us against them feeling ~ that is what we were enslaved to. That is what we carry. It never had one blessed thing to do with us. We don't like that eye rolling stuff. Boom. Out we go. Now, they are rolling their eyes at us. If there haven't been quite enough factual screw ups in our lives to justify their unifying against us through ridicule, they will go ahead and invent things and believe them and tell everyone whatever it is they have come to believe. It's like, if enough of us believe this is the truth, then, this is the truth. That's been why this has been so disorienting for us. We wonder too, just what is true. No one knows. So, we have to become our own best mothers. With the negative tapes the dysfunctional family has left roaring away in our heads. We have decided to work through those tapes, those nasty, shame based tapes, to figure out what it is that is true, about us. We are doing so well...but it is a sad and hurtful thing to see what it is that is true. That's okay, though. It is better to know. It doesn't mean we can't cherish our sisters in our thoughts. In their secret hearts ~ secret even from themselves maybe ~ of course they cherish us, too. If love is the default emotion, as Nietzsche claims, they do love us. They just don't know it. So, we will know it, for them. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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