Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Have a feeling of impending doom
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 664053" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Is it a question of respecting the journey?</p><p></p><p>That does not change our intention to protect and respect ourselves and to require that our kids not abuse us emotionally or financially (or verbally).</p><p></p><p>We have exchanged the hours of our lives too, to create the lifestyles that matter to us. We made those sacrifices for the sakes of our children before they were even born. I will sacrifice thus and so and my children will start from a better place than I did and etc.</p><p></p><p>Me, me, me.</p><p></p><p>But the kids don't want what we found important or valuable.</p><p></p><p>What they want is for us to cash in our stuff and split and split it with them so they can do what they somehow always seem to go back to doing.</p><p></p><p>Until one day they show up claiming they do want those things. And we celebrate that and we try to change that for them, and find a kind of redemption for ourselves and, at last, the possibility of pride in a job well done for us, for the parents. </p><p></p><p>Our children are not helpless, they are choosing. I see addiction as a thing that renders them helpless to follow the path I believe is correct. </p><p></p><p>But is it?</p><p></p><p>I become desperate for them over the loss of time to put themselves on that competitive path to what I want for them, and for me, too. I feel shame at their situations. I devour myself over where I went wrong as a mother. But...the kids <em>are</em> choosing.</p><p></p><p>Or does addiction, as I believe it may, make a valid choice impossible for them, and does it obligate me as I believe it must.</p><p></p><p>Or what.</p><p></p><p>Are we seeing them as helpless when they are in fact making a conscious choice? I fear for their futures. That drives me. I want to save them from where I believe they cannot see they are taking themselves. What if their thinking is so different than ours that the problem here is that we cannot hold faith with their intentions?</p><p></p><p>Why can we not say, "When you are ready, you will (whatever it is)." Why can we not say "Well, this is how I did it." and be quiet about what we think they should do?</p><p> </p><p>Then they come back for money. Or for somewhere to live. Or they are harmed or attacked or poverty-stricken. And we save them to set them back on our path and they thumb their noses at us and tell us all they wanted was food and somewhere to live and would we please just buy them a duplex so they could rent out the other side and never have to bother us for money again.</p><p></p><p>That actually happened to me.</p><p></p><p>So is the question what is it driving our responses?</p><p></p><p>If we believed they were making informed choices, it would be a simple matter to love them as they are (instead of judging them for where they are and oh, Lord...for where they are not) but not feel obligated to "save" them or give them our stuff.</p><p></p><p>So, I'm describing enabling, here.</p><p></p><p>So that's a problem for us. How much to help and we each come to that place where we know helping only enables them to follow that same destructive path only this time, we are losing the hours of our lives we've exchanged to protect all of us from homelessness and etc and we resent it. Because we need that stuff for ourselves now or else why have done all that working we did. And the kids of our friends are on the path and making their own stuff and never expecting their parents to give them their stuff and turn themselves poor.</p><p></p><p>But there are our children.</p><p></p><p>And they don't have any stuff.</p><p></p><p>But we keep doing it, or feel badly that we aren't doing it...but why?</p><p></p><p>Natural consequences...we can only see the badness in the end result for them. But there must be a reward in it for them.</p><p></p><p>Or is it just that they are trapped in addiction. And are they truly helpless in the face of it and how are we supposed to think our ways out of that one.</p><p></p><p>From our perspective, there sometimes seems to be only a kind of depravity we just cannot countenance.</p><p></p><p>What if we're wrong.</p><p></p><p>What if this life path is as valid as any other. (How could that possibly be? And then, there are grandchildren.... And that is another flavor of hellishness and vulnerability altogether.)</p><p></p><p>To me, to us, there is horror ~ really, horror ~ at the suffering to come when there is nowhere to live for them; when there is no food, when there has been no education and no medical care.</p><p></p><p>But how does that look to them, on the days they are not bugging us for money or etc.</p><p></p><p>I don't know.</p><p></p><p>I know it's hard to say no. And equally hard to say yes because they don't do what I want them to do when I split my stuff with them so they can.</p><p></p><p>And they go ahead and do the same things.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 664053, member: 17461"] Is it a question of respecting the journey? That does not change our intention to protect and respect ourselves and to require that our kids not abuse us emotionally or financially (or verbally). We have exchanged the hours of our lives too, to create the lifestyles that matter to us. We made those sacrifices for the sakes of our children before they were even born. I will sacrifice thus and so and my children will start from a better place than I did and etc. Me, me, me. But the kids don't want what we found important or valuable. What they want is for us to cash in our stuff and split and split it with them so they can do what they somehow always seem to go back to doing. Until one day they show up claiming they do want those things. And we celebrate that and we try to change that for them, and find a kind of redemption for ourselves and, at last, the possibility of pride in a job well done for us, for the parents. Our children are not helpless, they are choosing. I see addiction as a thing that renders them helpless to follow the path I believe is correct. But is it? I become desperate for them over the loss of time to put themselves on that competitive path to what I want for them, and for me, too. I feel shame at their situations. I devour myself over where I went wrong as a mother. But...the kids [I]are[/I] choosing. Or does addiction, as I believe it may, make a valid choice impossible for them, and does it obligate me as I believe it must. Or what. Are we seeing them as helpless when they are in fact making a conscious choice? I fear for their futures. That drives me. I want to save them from where I believe they cannot see they are taking themselves. What if their thinking is so different than ours that the problem here is that we cannot hold faith with their intentions? Why can we not say, "When you are ready, you will (whatever it is)." Why can we not say "Well, this is how I did it." and be quiet about what we think they should do? Then they come back for money. Or for somewhere to live. Or they are harmed or attacked or poverty-stricken. And we save them to set them back on our path and they thumb their noses at us and tell us all they wanted was food and somewhere to live and would we please just buy them a duplex so they could rent out the other side and never have to bother us for money again. That actually happened to me. So is the question what is it driving our responses? If we believed they were making informed choices, it would be a simple matter to love them as they are (instead of judging them for where they are and oh, Lord...for where they are not) but not feel obligated to "save" them or give them our stuff. So, I'm describing enabling, here. So that's a problem for us. How much to help and we each come to that place where we know helping only enables them to follow that same destructive path only this time, we are losing the hours of our lives we've exchanged to protect all of us from homelessness and etc and we resent it. Because we need that stuff for ourselves now or else why have done all that working we did. And the kids of our friends are on the path and making their own stuff and never expecting their parents to give them their stuff and turn themselves poor. But there are our children. And they don't have any stuff. But we keep doing it, or feel badly that we aren't doing it...but why? Natural consequences...we can only see the badness in the end result for them. But there must be a reward in it for them. Or is it just that they are trapped in addiction. And are they truly helpless in the face of it and how are we supposed to think our ways out of that one. From our perspective, there sometimes seems to be only a kind of depravity we just cannot countenance. What if we're wrong. What if this life path is as valid as any other. (How could that possibly be? And then, there are grandchildren.... And that is another flavor of hellishness and vulnerability altogether.) To me, to us, there is horror ~ really, horror ~ at the suffering to come when there is nowhere to live for them; when there is no food, when there has been no education and no medical care. But how does that look to them, on the days they are not bugging us for money or etc. I don't know. I know it's hard to say no. And equally hard to say yes because they don't do what I want them to do when I split my stuff with them so they can. And they go ahead and do the same things. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Have a feeling of impending doom
Top