Have an ADHD/Defiant Teen and I feel helpless and crazy!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Hope4Alli, Aug 29, 2010.

  1. Hope4Alli

    Hope4Alli Guest

    Would anyone be willing to share with me their stories about their ADHD/Defiant Teen so I know that I am not alone in my pain. I have a 15 year old who has been a handful since she was in my womb. There are too many stories to tell but right now she is going through a stage where she doesn't respect authority. Rules don't apply to her and all the rules at her school are "stupid" and teachers are "out to get her." She makes mistakes but will not acknowledge them because someone else is always the cause. She is irritable, angry, and impulsive. She is embarrassed of us as parents, espcially me as her mom. She doensn't learn from her mistakes and consequences mean nothing to her. She has no concept of time or directions. Everything is about her and she only needs us when has needs that she wants fulfilled. She seems to lack empathy and compassion along with social skills. I am truly mortified and feel like we have done something wrong as parents and I am not sure how to cope anymore. I don't even know if I can expect things to ever get better or if I can ever hope for a decent relationship with my daughter in the future. Your feedback would be SO welcomed.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there, hon. Sorry you have to be here, but welcome to the board.

    To me, it sounds like a lot more is going on than ADHD. Her lack of social skills, the appearance of no empathy, and cluelessness make me wonder if she's on the autism spectrum. Has she ever seen a neuropsychologist? Is she on medication? If so, stimulants often make kids worse, not better, especially if they have been misdiagnosed. How was her early development? Can she make good eye contact with strangers? Does she "get" how to hold a give and take conversation? Any obsessisive interests? Does she have an quirks? Are there any psychiatric problems or Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) on either side of her family tree? You may want to do a signature like I did below.

    At her age, is it possible she is using recreational drugs? Drinking?

    A lot of us have kids who are not typical kids. In fact, we all do or we wouldn't be here. So you're not alone. And it's not your fault. She was probably born wired differently...you said yourself that she was different from the get-go. As for the future, I would find out what is wrong with her first. Lots of our kids surprise us in both directions, but she in my opinion does need further evaluating and probably a different type of treatment. Good luck!
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2010
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I also agree that further evaluation would be a good idea - she needs to be reassessed to see if, now she's older, different symptoms are more apparent.

    I'm less convinced tat this is on the autism spectrum, though. However, we can't diagnose here plus we are a bit short of information anyway. But it does show how difficult it is to nail down a diagnosis.

    Welcome. A book we recommend which might help you cope day to day, is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It can help regardless of the diagnosis.

  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Oh, how I feel for you!! My difficult child is a month away from 17 and is the exact same way. Nothing is ever her fault. Nothing is ever a consequence of her actions, her choices, her behaviors. We have had trouble with her since she was very little as well. Couldn't even take her to the beach with out an army to chase her down every time she took off. She even set a fire in the classrooom bathroom when she was in elementary school!! Would steal Ninetendo DS's, PSP's, what ever she could get her hands on. And always lied about it - bold faced lie to your face. It has only gotten worse with age. She abuses drugs. She lies constantly.
    She is on probation and has had so many "sanctions" already (probation is nothing but a JOKE in my opinion). I honestly don't know if there is a way to get them to "get it". I had to arrange for mine to have another home because I was sick and tired of being told to F off, that I am an "f"ing b, we are pieces of **** that never do anything for her, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile she is using my home to do as she pleases while we are not there - possible drug sales, etc. She was breaking into my bedroom, having who knows who over doing who knows what when ever we were at work. And I recently found out she was trying to get our younger son to try drugs. Never, ever, ever will she live in my home again. I don't know what the answer is. I obviously haven't found it and doubt I ever will. But you are definitely NOT alone. I notice there are TONS of lurkers here as well as some great women that post great advice - we are very obviously not alone. But I can honestly say that since difficult child has been out of the house, there is a sense of peace and calm that is not there when she is there. Our son seems happier, more at ease adn coming out of his bedroom a whole lot more now that she is gone. I love her to death and I pray she finds her way. But I also know that she is so determined to not do anything we want her to, that she will go nowhere living with us.
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are SOOOOO not alone! Time & patience - you will feel hope again. I would like to know when she started this behavior. You say she was always a handful, but was she ever defiant before?
  6. Hope4Alli

    Hope4Alli Guest

    yes!!! she has been defiant since she was a toddler.:(
  7. Hope4Alli

    Hope4Alli Guest

    Hi There, WOW! What a great response! I guess I would have never thought about autism because she CAN make eye contact and she CAN initiate and hold a conversation. I have never even thought of her seeing a neuro psychiatric. I wouldn't even know how to go about starting a process like that. I'm sure that process is outside normal healthcare provision. Right? She is wired differently and her ADHD isn't the move around constantly kind it's the kind where her brain never stops working and the neurons are constantly firing causing her to be abrupt and impulsive, etc. Her diet sucks. I can't get her to change it even thought she knows it would help regulate her. She doesn't do drugs but she does make a habit of consuming energy drinks which I can't get her to stop doing either. I don't purchase them for her but she does sneak them and buy them on her own. It could be worse I guess. She could be buying drugs. She does take medication-Wellbutrin and I hear lots of pros and cons on that one. My mom was diagonosed schizophrenic and I have a history of depression. My daughter was recently a cutter but has since figured out a way cope witout cutting. Don't ask me what that is. I just know she isn't cutting anymore.
    I really do want to find out what is "wrong" with her I just don't know where to start and our HMO is of know help.
  8. Hope4Alli

    Hope4Alli Guest

    Thank you SO much for sharing your story. It's so hard to know what to do when they are their own person and we know what they are doing is crazy! We love our child but I don't know how to cope without detaching my emotions completely. I just don't get how I could have created a child like that. It's definitely nature verses nurture in this case because I never taught my child how to behave the way her personality and her brain causes her to be.
  9. Hope4Alli

    Hope4Alli Guest

    Thank you for the book recommendation. I will check it out. And you are probably right. I should definitely get her reassessed but I'm not sure what to say since my HMO will most likely say that her behavior is "normal teen behavior."
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    FYI, many of us have teen who do/have done what your is doing and are not diagnosis'd with ASPD/being a sociopath. It is VERY hard to tell with a few paragraphs if someone has antisocial personality disorder, just as it is to say she has autism, bipolar disorder, shizophrenia or anything else. The person saying ASPD is very very new, not a parent of a difficult child, and has very little real information behind his recommendations.

    The others are established members who are currently dealing with problems similar to the ones you you are experiencing, or who have other experience with a child like yours.
  11. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member


    The only consequence I believe in - removing the kid from your home , not that this will impact positively on your child , it will just give you room to live a life. I don't believe parents have the structures like Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s , thearaputic treatment centers to enforce consequences . If the thinking today in these centers is to move away from ' consequences' and focus on relationship, empowering the child, giving them a vision and the life skills , how much more so we parents - if we want to make matters worse than ww3 try to break them into submission

    the only hope is finding the cheer leaders, teachers, young adults, mentors, older sister who can reach her , she needs to learn to trust adults and see them and you as help . She needs positive people in her life who will love her and accept her for who she is . She is going to get love and unconditional acceptance from negative peers , she needs to get it from us.

    So where do we start . in my humble opinion get the latest copy of the explosive child



    go through the checklists - Thinking skills inventory or Assessed lacking skills and unsolved problems

    try to relax the home , more music and plenty of one on one chatting on general stuff , just connecting , talking to her as a friend , taking perspectives , no blame , like a personal coach getting her to do the thinking , talking, goal setting , help her create a vision

    This is a process , not a technique , not easy but better than going to war

  12. Bean

    Bean Member

    Literally. Sounds. Like. My. Kid.

    I could have written your paragraph. Patriot's sounds like my kid, too. I can't tell you what is specifically wrong with your kid, but I can tell you that my daughter has been diagnosis with depression, ODD, anxiety, and my mom thinks she saw Borderline (BPD) on some papers of hers, but that is up for debate. Basically my daughter really needs to work on her behaviors, cognitively. She can benefit from medications for depression/anxiety, but she really needs to learn to work within society's limits and expectations, and that's going to be a choice she'll have to make. There's no medication to "fix" ODD. She is not on the autism spectrum, she might have ADD (I think that she was thought to have that).

    Problem is, my daughter likes to self-medicate. So doctors have a hard time knowing what is Girl Bean and what is the drugs talking. Weed messes her up bigtime. Booze messes her up bigtime. She's 19 now and currently off living in a shelter or something, I honestly don't know. She struggles, I can't lie. I have hope that she can turn her life around, but I am learning to accept that it might still be a long haul.

    My daughter is oppositional to a fault; every time she opens her mouth a lie comes out. It's been that way for years. She also doesn't like us to know much, even if it means she isn't safe. When she turned 18 we pushed and pushed her to get an ID and carry it on her because, frankly half the time we didn't know where she was and who she was with. If I could, I'd microchip her foolish butt. Even now if I had to find her, I don't know if I could. She wants that, though. She doesn't like us to talk to anyone she associates with because often when people talk to each other they find out a little something called the TRUTH. :p

    Anyway, YES, my daughter sounds very much like yours. Only difference is time and age. But at 15, she could have been a twin.