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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 666818" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>New Leaf, I think as you continue down this road by posting, you may move beyond the shame piece.</p><p></p><p>A few of us have been trying to explicitly understand how our shame and guilt has contributed to and deepened the crisis with our adult children. When we felt that our children were not thriving, and as bad or worse, accusing us as responsible, it felt intolerable and we as if stood up to say guilty as accused. We searched ourselves for the fatal parenting flaw, and tried way too long to solve a situation that was not ours to solve.</p><p></p><p>We felt uneccessary despair and by taking responsibility from our children, deprived them of the opportunity to stand up for themselves as adults.</p><p></p><p>We are finding that there is no ideal shape or form of a family. No conditions that need to be met to love. That love is enough. And that is all we ever really wanted. </p><p></p><p>We can come to that when we let go of the sense that we are responsible and that we have failed.</p><p></p><p>The shame has to do with assumptions and expectations of ourselves and of our children about which we are largely unaware. Posting helps shine a light on them. The shame loses its power and can be let go.</p><p></p><p>You have stood up for right and responsibility and love in your family. That is the beginning and end of it. Now it is time to rest. You have decided to let your daughter take responsibility for herself and her family. This signifies hope. It is a new beginning.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 666818, member: 18958"] New Leaf, I think as you continue down this road by posting, you may move beyond the shame piece. A few of us have been trying to explicitly understand how our shame and guilt has contributed to and deepened the crisis with our adult children. When we felt that our children were not thriving, and as bad or worse, accusing us as responsible, it felt intolerable and we as if stood up to say guilty as accused. We searched ourselves for the fatal parenting flaw, and tried way too long to solve a situation that was not ours to solve. We felt uneccessary despair and by taking responsibility from our children, deprived them of the opportunity to stand up for themselves as adults. We are finding that there is no ideal shape or form of a family. No conditions that need to be met to love. That love is enough. And that is all we ever really wanted. We can come to that when we let go of the sense that we are responsible and that we have failed. The shame has to do with assumptions and expectations of ourselves and of our children about which we are largely unaware. Posting helps shine a light on them. The shame loses its power and can be let go. You have stood up for right and responsibility and love in your family. That is the beginning and end of it. Now it is time to rest. You have decided to let your daughter take responsibility for herself and her family. This signifies hope. It is a new beginning. [/QUOTE]
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