Have to make a decision about Billy and living here

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DammitJanet, Jun 25, 2012.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think it has come time that we need to force him to fly the coop. I have wanted to do it for a couple of years now but Tony kept telling me that he was "special" and we needed to give him time. Well I think that time has come and gone and he is just way too comfortable here.

    I dont think he is putting in enough effort to find a better job because he doesnt have to do it. Tony actually met a man on his job who was doing some sort of installation of computerized security systems and Tony got to talking with him about Billy and the guy gave Tony his card and told him to have Billy go down there and ask for him and he could most likely get him on. It would be a very good paying job...well good paying for here. Not talking Bill Gates but he would make a decent living. Well, instead of going down there Billy just sent in his messy resume which he still hasnt let me work on. Then when I told him he needed to go down there, Billy hemmed and hawed saying he could only go if he had a day off from Radio Shack. Look, half the time he doesnt go in to RS until at least 4. He had plenty of time to go in the morning. He wanted to only go on days off. So as of now he has still not gone.

    Now he is trying to get on with Verizon. Its ticking me off.

    Plus...he is still not doing anything around the house to help out and it is getting completely old. I made this weekend an experiment. One that he failed badly. Tony and I went to VA to see Jamie and we left him home to take care of the house and the puppies. He had to work all day Friday but he was off all day Saturday and Sunday. I gave him a list of things he was to do. Feed and water the puppies. The water shouldnt have been hard because it was on a hose. I also told him to clean the kitchen including wash all the dishes, pots and pans, silverware, wipe off counter tops, take out trash and sweep kitchen floor. Dont worry about mopping.

    We came home to find that a few dishes had been done, the entire living and family room was torn to shreds because he fell asleep on the couch with the puppies inside and they just chewed up everything. He never changed their puppy pads all weekend.

    Oh...and on Thursday night before we were getting ready to leave, I had sent him to the store to get a few things like some stuff for our dinner that evening and I had asked for some ice cream for me. I had given him my debit card to pay for it all. He didnt get my ice cream but he did get about 10 frozen pizza's for him to eat all weekend! And of course that means I paid for it! I was so upset because with my stomach issues I hardly ate anything we had for dinner that night and was looking forward to just having a bowl of cool ice cream to soothe my stomach but when I went looking for it, it wasnt there. I asked him where he put the ice cream and it was...oh I forgot. He does that so often if I send him out for something for me if he thinks I shouldnt have it. Normally it only happens if I ask if he is paying but this time he had MY card.

    I know he just bought his car so he has a car payment of right around $220 and insurance of $100. Only other bills are credit cards and cell phone which I think his credit card payments probably arent more than $40 or so a month and his cell is an employee plan which is $30.

    He makes $8 an hour plus commissions on cell phone sales and that is where RS really screwed him. They transferred him to this kiosk in the mall telling him he would be manager and that he would only be selling cell phones and would make more money. Not. He has to travel 35 miles each way and he only works about 32-34 hours a week. He doesnt sell as many cell phones as he did in the regular store.

    So realistically before commissions he makes about 1000 a month but brings home about 800. He may actually bring home 1000. I just dont see how he is going to afford to rent anywhere and still pay utilities and food plus gas in his car. That boy eats. You dont get his size without eating. Maybe he could move in with Buck...lol.

    I still think we need to give him a move out date. Not a week or even 30 days but say 90 days. He moves a little slower.

    I actually pushed him to apply at Amazon in SC because they advertised they were taking massive applications not too long ago but he simply cant put the effort in. I think if we push it he will have to. Otherwise we will simply put him into one of those boarding rooms next to Buck. He can figure out how to live on a hundred bucks a week for gas and food.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Janet, I think you're right... I think it is time for him to be on his own. I have recurring nightmares about Jett living in my house at 25... And realistically, Bean will be 11 then, we won't be an empty nest, but... There comes a time, Know what I mean?? And if he's not really helping... You may need to help him. OUT.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    That move out date is looooooooong over due. He can hold down a job ect, there is no reason for him to be living at home.

    I don't want to sound mean, but if he can pay his bills in a place of his own, budgeting money to eat with his current appetite will be his problem. A thousand bucks a month he should have no issues for one person. Shoot, I'd like a thousand a month for 2 people, please...........and I have a house payment ect to pay. LOL

    Truly, even if Billy helped with every single chore you assigned him ect, he needs to get a place of his own. Maybe he can't do it. (seriously doubtful that he can't) But he needs to do it. It's the last major step in growing up. He'll feel better about himself as well.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    To me... as someone who lived at home for a LONG time... that is the kicker.
    With all you're disabilities, Janet, it would be totally fine for Billy to stay home and "help look after his parents". But that would mean doing MORE than just a "fair share" basis. I did all the housework and all the shopping for a family that included teenage boys... In return, I got free board and room. Took me about 5 hours a week if I really pushed, 8 if I took it easy. Fair deal - but definitely more than my "fair share" of cleaning... i.e. I was doing my parents' room, every washroom, kitchen floor... Because Mom couldn't do this stuff.

    Staying at home and knowing HOW to do all this stuff and doing it... is acceptable. NOT doing it? need to go learn, somehow, but not here.

    JMO, of course...
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If he was actually helping me out I wouldnt be so upset at all. I am truly so done at this point and he keeps pushing those little buttons.

    Like today. I am sick. Very sick. I have no clue what is wrong but I am very worried that it is something major. I am praying its only my gallbladder so that tells you how sick I am when I am praying I might only have to have that removed. I dont like surgery. You can stick needles in my joints but dont talk about invasive stuff.

    Anyway...I am doubled over in pain and have been for weeks now. Its been getting worse by the day and this weekend was the kicker. I have the doctor appointment tomorrow at 2. He calls me at 4:30 on his way home from work to ask me what I was making for dinner! When I sounded weak on the phone he asked if I was still sleeping and I told him no, I was laying doubled over in bed holding a pillow to my stomach but that I figured I would order Chinese because I thought I could try to eat some wonton soup. He said oh that sounded good. We cant order in from here. He tells me he is about 10 minutes away and will be home soon. I waited and waited. About 15 minutes ago I called his phone and asked him if he was coming home or did I have to get up and get dressed to go get the food? Oh...he didnt realize I wanted him to go get it. Uhhhh....Yeah. And I need him to go get some more diet coke and some jello. And of course I had to give him the money. He hasnt paid for take out unless its one of our birthdays. Well maybe once or twice a year he will pick up a pizza but we pick up Chinese once a week.

    He finally left after I called in the order. Lets hope he remembers my jello and the diet coke or Tony will be chapped.
  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I hope you find out today what's wrong and it's not serious. Good luck at the dr. He is very comfortable there, but he's also miserable and he does need a change. Maybe he's so shy, afraid and nervous about making changes in his life that he just can't, or won't. You can help him, I wouldn't normally say this, but you fix up his resume yourself. I know it's not your job, but I think you know how to write it nicely so a future employer will consider him. With his vast knowldege about electronics, he can be an asset anywhere. Right now, the money he makes is less than what they pay here to push the shoping out of the parking lots. difficult child did this 10 years ago and made more money than that. I went to a college orientation last week and all they talked about were how nerd type's are the big thing, that's what the future employer is looking for- the dean even said "Girls, marry the nerd, he'll treat you like a queen". He then showed a slide of the most painful looking nerds ever, one of whom was Bill Gates. Have a converstion about how you will help him. He'll need one nice looking outfit. Target sells nice Docker's style pants for $10, and nice shirts for $15. I just bought a few of those things for my easy child for work. Billy needs one for an interview.

    The food and money thing. Billy did forget, husband and I each do the same thing to the other- the only differece is I hand him a note with my 3 items or whatever, so he doesn't forget. But, sadly, husband says he doesn't need the note and leaves it here-usually forgetting one of my items when he returns. When he asks me for something at the store, I always tell him to write it down for me or once I get there I'll always forget something. But for Billy- give him a list! And once a week with his fare share's worth of things. Not all for him, for everyone! He eats at work, fine, but he also eats there, uses toilet paper, soap and eats food that you pay for- which you are fine with, but he has to buy things on that list to contribute his fair share. Yes, there will be things that are "just" for you, he'll be paying for that sometimes. That's life, just like you pay for things he eats. The list will be a fair share that you have taken into consideration based on his pay. Since he forgets, he gets a list now. No big deal. If he can get away with not doing something he doesn't do it. He seems to not mind being reprimanded, then he doesn't have to do the chores anyway, so he's fine with it. Tell him if he can't help, he can contribute in other ways like by you adding more thing to his grocery list- to make it fair that he lives there rent free and doesn't help.

    He has an uncle he can go live with. Buck owes you guys months and months of free room and board for a member of your family. If he does that, he'll hate it and maybe light a fire under him to look for something better. Really he needs a fire lit under him for him to want the change. Janet, be the fire.
  7. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Janet, first off, {{{{{HUGS}}}}}. I'm so sorry that you're feeling terrible, and have this to deal with on top of being sick. Sending healing thoughts your way that your pain eases off and you get better in a hurry. AND that Billy remembers your jello and diet coke.

    Now, as to Billy's living arrangements, I agree with the others. Some people have the gumption to just get on with the process of living their lives, others need a push. Still others need a catapult. My difficult child is also one of those. If I didn't draw a line all those years ago and say "difficult child is never living here again", he would still be here, completely helpless, with husband still tying his shoes for him at 22 yrs old. I think Billy is the same -- he needs a push to get him started, and a firmly closed door to keep him going once he has started.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Pesonally, I feel better knowing that Billy lives at home so I don't have to worry about you being alone for long periods of time.....especially when you are not well. Yeah, I understand the other issues but your safety is paramount. DDD
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    DDD, there is that too. It is difficult for sure. I never know for sure just how much true effort he is putting forth either in trying to get jobs. I do have to admit we live in a very disadvantaged area. And for anyone who thinks that he could live easily on a thousand a month, he couldnt. Even the boarding rooms are 100 a week. Cheapest apartments that arent in HUD rent for right around 300 or more. He would be on the longest part of the waiting list for income based apartments because of being a single male.

    He had an interview for a job at the local ATT cell phone center on Thursday. I saw him leave the house to go to the interview that morning. He had gone to get his hair freshly cut, bought new black slacks, had a new fresh white shirt that was tucked in and was wearing a belt. Button up. I have seen the staff in that store and they are fairly laid back. I went in there one time to ask a question and the guy had his feet up on his desk watching something on a tablet!

    Anyway, when I asked Billy how the interview went, he told me they told him he was under dressed for the interview. Now I dont know if they really said that or if he just felt that way because he was nervous because of who was interviewing him. I have never had someone tell me I was under dressed. I asked him if everyone in the store wore suits on the floor and he said no, they wore pants/khakis and colored shirts so I cant see how he could have been under dressed. Now...they could be having issues with his weight. He is over 325. I had an extremely hard time finding anyone to hire me but normally men dont seem to have the same issues if they know their stuff. I dont think he interviews well. I wish he could go through Voc Rehab but you have to have a diagnosis to do that.

    That will be hard to do now since he dropped his health insurance because they kept increasing his premiums so much that he simply couldnt afford it.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Could've been he just felt the interview went poorly and so made up an excuse as to why it did. I hope he can find something really good soon, Janet.

    Our rents run about the same way, and they're going up up up. It's a landlords market and they know it and are taking advantage of it.
  11. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Janet, I am by no means Billy's mom and I don't claim to have all the answers.

    But what caught my attention is when you state that Billy is over 325 lbs. You also say that "but normally men dont seem to have the same issues if they know their stuff".
    I will tell you that unfortunately, they do. Of course, in less proportions than women, but still, it appears that you can absolutely be right, and more right than not.
    Otherwise, why would a prospective employer say that "he is underdressed" whereas he wears black slacks, a belt, a nice pair of shoes and a freshly cut hair ? It sounds more like an excuse not to hire him even if Billy knows well his subject. And even if Billy would do exceptionally well at the interview, that an employer would have nothing to reproach him, the employer would had a problem with Billy's being over 325lbs.
    The thing is that nowadays, even men with excess weight face many difficulties to find a job, even with men, employers will give precedence to a thin man even if he is less qualified.
    Unfortunately, attractivity at work is also a duty for men.
    I can also say that even with the best effort to find a job, a fat man will have more than his fair share of difficulty to find a job. I will state the same about housing, especially if there are more persons who need to rent than landlords who rent.

    Anecdotal evidences also show that for renting, fat people have a great difficulty to find and they pay more than thin/normal weight persons. Unfortunately, even for housing, fatphobia exists nowadays.

    I didn't absolutely intend to lecture you. But as your gut feelings said, it appear that Billy's weight is one of the major toll to find a job and a housing. Even with the best effort, he will have more than his fair share of difficulties to find a job and a housing because of fatphobia.

    I unfortunately don't have words of wisdom. I can only wish Billy and you the best I can wish.