haven't been here in a long time

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by busybee, Mar 10, 2010.

  1. busybee

    busybee New Member

    I haven't been on here in a long time because things had been pretty calm with my son. I will repost what I posted when I first joined a couple of years ago.

    I will tell you a little about my situation. My DS is 13. We have been having issues with him since he was probably 4 years old. We have always known his behavior is not normal, but never really knew what to do. Now that he's hit adolesence he is almost unmanageable. In the last year we have had the police at our house 3 times because he is either getting physically violent or is threatening to damage property.
    Anyway, this summer we took him to a psychologist. He was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. We noticed a difference when he started taking his medications and things were better. Then they started getting bad again, so they increased his medications. Again, things were good for about a month. Now things are starting to get bad again. They are increasing his doseage again, but I feel like we can't keep doing this every month or so. He gets very argumentative. He refuses to do anything we ask. I'm at my wits end. I just don't know how I can deal with this anymore. I have 2 younger daughters and his behavior scares them. There have been times that they have huddled together in the bathroom with the door locked because they are scared of him. I just don't know what to do anymore.:sad-very:

    He is now 14. Last year he moved in with my parents for the second semester of the school year because we were having so many problems. At the end of the school year we talked about how things were going to be different if he moved home. He moved home in May. Things have been good for the most part since then. We have had a few little outbursts, but usually if we just ignore his behavior he will settle down. I have had to let a lot of disrespectful behavior and words go because I am trying to keep him from getting at his worst.
    Well, today he was not going to be ignored. He got mad that I wouldn't take him to the library he wanted to go to for a school paper. Then he said that we were eating "his" tortillas. He eventually go so upset that he stormed out of the house, telling my husband and I "F*** you" on the way out.
    After he left I shut his phone off. I believe that is a privledge that he doesn't deserve when he treats us that way. He immediatley came home and started taking our stuff. He threw a switcher box from our t.v. across the kitchen floor, threw a chair into the wall and put a hole in it, and threw a can of pop across the room towards his younger sister. The last straw for me was when he said "What are you going to do to me? Nothing, you can't do anything to me." I finally called the police. It was not what I wanted to do, but I did not feel safe anymore and couldn't subject my daughters to his behavior.
    The police took him into custody. He is being taken to the children's home for 72 hours. He will then be a child in need of care and it will be determined if he can come home or if he needs to go to foster care. This is not what I wanted to do, but he doesn't listen to me or my husband at all anymore. I am a total mess over this and I'm questioning whether I did the right thing.
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    You did the right thing. He needs to learn that he cannot treat you like that. Your daughters need to learn that no one has the right to threaten or hurt them or you.

    Be strong, this will likely open up a whole set of services.
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I wouldn't question whether calling the police was the right thing to do. Clearly, no one in your house was safe and you needed to protect your daughters and yourself from your son's aggression.

    What I would question is:
    Whether your son's diagnosis is correct. ADHD doesn't ordinarily cause this much anger and aggression.
    Whether the medications are making him worse instead of better. Stimulants like Concerta can rev kids with mood disorders up instead of calming them down.
    Whether your son needs treatment in a psychiatric hospital rather than placement in foster care. Is there any way you can retain an attorney to convince a judge of the need for therapeutic care instead of alternative placement?

    Welcome back. I'm glad you found us again, but sorry you needed to.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    At his age, and the erratic way he is behaving, I'd be worrying about recreational drug use (beyond weed, which doesn't make you violent). Has he ever been surprise drug tested, although not all drugs show up on drug tests.

    I personally can't see how foster care will help him. I was a foster parent and they really have no more training than you...they do get a nice paycheck for taking in your kid and you will likely have to pay the state child support. If he is that out of control, in my opinion an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) would be better.

    But I'd search his room when he's gone looking for possible drug clues. Heck, I'd take his cell phone and read his texts and check his Facebook. Having had a daughter who started using at twelve, and made steady progress to hard drugs, I would look at this first and leave no stone unturned. I had no idea she was using drugs. I thought she was bipolar. She's off drugs now. She is not bipolar.

    Good luck, whatever you decide to do.