well, its probably been 3 years since I posted anything here. Back then my difficult child was 12, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), ADHD, ODD. At this point, he's 15, obviously still the same diagnosis, a couple added on since then, hypomania being one of them. His problems have intensified so much that its hard to even know where to start. I have him on a PINS petition, he steals anything he can get his hands on, there is a keyed lock on every single door in our home. He has stolen aprox $6,000 worth of jewlery, motorcycle parts, various electronics from my husband (not his bio dad). Money, his own prescription drugs to sell, pawned his XBox. Yes, obviously he does drugs. Of course he says "only pot". Hes in outpatient drug treatment twice a week. We have "functional family therapy" once a week, he sees his psychiatrist every other week. In the last 6 mos or so his argumentative, confrontational behavior has gotten worse. It escalated into daily death threats against me, calling me a "scumbag" or the "c" word. Keep in mind, he has a 3 yr old sister that hears this. My husbands hands are tied for obvious reasons. One word from him & difficult child is even more confrontational. 3 weeks ago the police had to be called after he slammed the bathroom door in my face which caused a picture to fall off the wall & hit my 3 yr old in the head. The argument was over the fact that I had just put out the 5th missing persons report on him in 4 months and he thought he was going back out. His father, I call him Super Dad, swooped in at the last second and took him to his house so the police wouldnt take him. Hes been there ever since. So, after all that (and believe me thats not all of it!) Why do I feel SO guilty??? Why does it feel SO wrong that my sons not here?? Its like Im addicted to the stress. I feel like I have no right to be "happy" that hes not here. It feels so wrong, and his fathers house is NOT a good environment for him. His Probation Officer says this is his last stop before being placed, and I feel like if he cant be with me then he should be with his dad. But I would really like to not feel like I did all of this somehow. difficult child says I exaggerate everything, I blow everything out of proportion, he would never really hurt me. Somebody please give me some words of wisdom... Not just "Its not your fault" because I really, truly in my heart do believe that so much of it IS my fault. I have allowed this behavior for a long time, tried to cover it up, gave into things that I shouldnt have just because it was easier. I just dont know how to parent him!!