Having a cry and feeling stupid about it

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mattsmom277, Jul 11, 2011.

  1. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    S/O and I never fight. Ever. We have fought in the past, only and always due to his alcoholism which hasn't been a factor for several years since he's sober and thriving, and even when he was struggling it was isolated incidents and in between we never fight, we are good communicators.

    I'm lividly angry right now and NOT at my S/O. He's snappy and moody and started the dumbest argument about a stupid topic that has no bearing on anything in our lives and is absolutely NOT in his character. Nor is it in my character to rise to pointless conflict, especially with my beloved S/O.

    He's stormed off to bed after being childish and unable to get unstuck from a dumb argument that later we'll both laugh at. I KNOW why this is happening, its natural and its common and rather expected given the goings on in our home emotionally this week. It's just so unlike US and we do NOT ever go to bed angry with each other. It's not done and yet I know he needs to sleep off the angst that burst from him. I know it's not personal. I'm not angry with him and when he calms down he'll know it to be true. I know also he is not angry with me. This was simply a outpouring of raw emotion based in pain at the events in my life and the obvious sign that it impacts my S/O BECAUSE he loves me so much and doesn't know how to cope when I hurt this deeply and he cannot fix this for me, only time can.

    I'm just mad at HIM and by HIM I do NOT mean my loving S/O. I'm mad at HIM for even one freaking night where I'm crying too hard to go to bed with S/O in this state of mind because I know my tears at our fight will make S/O hurt more for thinking he's to blame and he's NOT. And I won't hurt my S/O. He's my rock and my gift in life. Is it wrong to say I hope HE has learned the fine art of which way the razor blade is meant to cut if he takes it in his head to take the cowards way out? He has taken enough. Even ONE night of upset between my S/O and myself is TOO MUCH. I hate that my S/O is now hurting and he never even met the man. He simply loves this pigs daughter so much that my hurt causes his hurt. And that path leads back to HIM.

    I guess the inevitable rage stage has arrived. I could slam piles of plates on my kitchen floor right now, and I'm not a thrower. It's a good thing my beautiful easy child is home because it means I won't lose it for the first time in my life. Today just SUCKS. And I just needed to vent. There's no need for responses, just please accept I needed to let it out somewhere.
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *sets up a target for flying dishes*

    Vent away, darlin'.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well when I've gotten like this? I find a good laughing monkey usually helps. Wish I could loan you mine right now. Good GAWD I love my monkey.

    Anyway I will just have to send you hugs. ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    OHHHHHHHH HERE YOU GO..........TURN UP YOUR VOLUME AND WATCH TO THE END.....if you don't laugh.....I'll bet you're smirking.

  5. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Tin foil pie pans, 1/4 inch of water in them, freeze. Pop ice out of pans, carry to the drive way, smash and scream to your little heart's content.

    Otherwise, I don't really have anything to say that would help. Just....hugs.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Note to self - GET MORE PIE PANS.
    other note to self - EAT MORE PIE.
  7. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I just did something that I'll regret a pound or two from now and indulged in a tiny kid size chocolate cone, a sugar cone at that. Lucky for me I vomit over 10 grams of sugar if I consume above, but still its a throw back to where I ate to cover my pain and self soothe so it's a sign I'm compensating unhealthily and that annoys me too! But on the other hand, that was my first cone since my gastric bypass in 2004 and it was dang good.

    I'm a bit less RARRRRRR post cone but I'm feeling mad at myself. Mad that I'm not holding my strength and resolve to not cave under pressure. Mad at myself for unreasonable expectations of myself and somehow pretending I'm super human then beating myself up when I prove I am not nor could I ever be (or anybody for that matter).

    I am taking a cup of tea to the tub along with a guilty pleasure novel (read: trival mindless drivel with no educational value) Then I'm going to bed and hoping tomorrow is a better day. Thank you all. Much.
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    That's a creepy monkey, I didn't need to see that right before bed. The laughing Moo Cow always entertained us.

    It's a different voice than what I'm used to, but you get the idea. And it bounces and shakes while it does that. Kiddo LOVED that thing when she was little (it belongs to her grandma, I keep meaning to buy me one and haven't done it yet).
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I bought my Mom one of those cows. She loved it!

    Glad to see you are feeling a little better Mattsmom!
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Ehh. A sweet treat isn't so bad. It's not like you raided baskin robbins or something, now that would be pretty bad.

    I like the pie pan/ice suggestion. Wish I'd thought of it way back when I needed it. I just shredded a lot of pillows and paper.

    Star, I think I found Connor's xmas gift. Where do I get one? He'll go bonkers for it. lol
  11. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    The monkey or the cow?
  12. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I'm saving the monkey video!

    Right before the alarm would have sounded this morning to wake me up, I was woken by S/O standing hovering over my side of the bed with Pepper (my brat cat who I'm back at war with) in hand. I think he stared me awake or something. I open my eyes to them both eye-ing me and S/O says, with a heavy lisp "We can haz hugs now?". He got one after I burst out laughing. Here's hoping today is a even keel kinda day!

    Thank you all again. I may be buying tin foil pie pans! (But sadly no pie)
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I just saw this, hon, and you know what?

    ONE. Anger is a good thing. VENT, please do! And I love the pie pan/ice idea!
    TWO. A small chocolate cone is no biggie. Comfort food is a cliche for a reason.
    THREE. You get to have wavering resolve. It's part of being human. Don't be angry with yourself - not worth it.

    FOUR... YES, THEY CAN HAZ HUGS!!! LOL, that's great.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Awwww! I am so glad it's working out. Sorry I didn't see this until now, but it's good you were able to vent online.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Glad you're feeling better - sorry I missed it earlier. Big hugs, don't sweat the cone (it's only ONE).
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    M...hugs...big ones since they are sugar free. sorry I didnt see this earlier.
  17. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Thanks to the later posters as well. Today was a better day. easy child was in the mood to hang with mom, less alone time in her room making videos and playing video games. We did mama/daughter stuff and enjoyed it and it was relaxing. I gave in to get a script at a walk in for some anxiety medications, its been years and I've needed them from time to time but wouldn't go. Figured why suffer without something to help when things are this intense. I just took one when easy child went to bed and can feel the remaining tension flow out. Glad to have had a better day.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ahhh...nothing like a good benzo...lol. I always say better living through pharmacology!
  19. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Just saw this...glad today was a better day.