Having a hard time articulating this...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by tiredmommy, Feb 12, 2012.

  1. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    but life really kinda stinks right now. Someone significant to our lives has died every two years for the last seven years. mother in law was recently diagnosis'd with terminal brain cancer and shouldn't live into 2013. I feel like I've pushed, pulled and fought to keep things on an even keel for Duckie during all this but it's harder as she's getting older and really understands life and death. I also feel like MY life has been put on hold. I keep getting back on track with my interests, start to cultivate friendships and connections in the community and, WHAM! My attention is pulled backed to family crisis after family crisis.

    I'm not proud of this but I am feeling very resentful. One of my friends is having a jewelry party tomorrow evening. I don't even particularly care for jewelry or these business parties but I'd like to go. But I can't because Duckie's been sick and husband will going to help with his mother. I don't think it's really this party but rather just having to regularly say "no" for so long. I'm not angry or upset with anyone in particular (except being extremely frustrated with father in law, another story) and I know none of this is being done "to" me.

    I'm tired of death and dying... Clarence, I want to live again.
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Understand.....big hugs.
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Thanks. I don't like feeling petty. It makes me not like myself very much.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    TM - It isn't being petty. I don't think you're being fair to yourself.
    Reality is... the daily grind takes a lot out of you. It does for all of "us" around here.
    Any ONE of the major events you've had in the last 6+ years, would take the stuffing out of ANYBODY.
    Multiple major events plus the daily grind?
    Its not really PTSD. Its more an ongoing wearing down... until the next mountain comes and... when you can hardly lift your feet, how ever can we get over another mountain?

    Its normal. Look after yourself. Reach out - we're here, use any other resources you have.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TM...I get it. It is sort of like water torture. One drop isnt a big deal but when it is drop after drop and you never really know when the next drop is coming or how big that drop is going to be or even if its going to be a deluge, well, it just gets to you.

    I realize Duckie is sick but I think you simply need a bit of time away. Duckie isnt that difficult a child now so getting a sitter shouldnt be a problem. Get one and go to that party. I understand those parties arent really your thing but at least its time away. Buy yourself some inexpensive bauble to make yourself feel nice and have a blast.

    I should take my own advice...lol.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    TM............trust me, hon. It's not being petty.

    I've had a busy 18 months that have been filled with death and family crisis. Frankly, forget petty, I'm downright sick of it. In all honesty, it's been too much at once. Even for the grandkids, it's been too much at once. I'm grateful we're so close that they feel safe in discussing their feelings about losing mother in law and husband with me. Although Darrin has developed an odd habit of spelling papa instead of saying it. I have a feeling when easy child talks about her dad with sister in law she's spelling instead of saying hoping it skips over Darrin's radar. I dunno if they're talking about the subject with their parents or not. And I have as yet to break their confidence in letting their parents know they're talking about it with me. It doesn't bother me and kids need someone to talk to too, even at their ages.

    Would it be possible once Duckie is feeling better to go along with husband to help with grandma or to just visit grandma? Maybe that would be a chance for you to catch a night out doing something fun and normal.

    I haven't caught my breath in more than two years. I think I'm beyond petty. I'm downright sick of it and find myself waiting for the next crisis to pop up. ugh

    There is nothing wrong with the way you're feeling. It's reasonable given what has been going on. Just remember, it's ok to stop and take care of yourself too.

  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ditto what everyone has said! You are not a petty person. You're giving and kind, loving and supportive to so many all the time.

    It's simply time for you to be giving, kind, loving and supportive towards yourself now. Do it in seemingly small ways and it will impact you in big ways.

    I know how scary it can be to leave your asthmatic child at home with a sitter but I'm sure she will be fine for an hour or so.

    Big gentle hugs.
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I ditto what the other posters have said, especially Janet and Hound dog - a sitter or having Duckie go along with dad needs to be on the table so you can go out for a bit. It's what is best for the family.

    The difficult part about the years going by is the increase in loosing our loved ones. It is, sadly, part of life and a part that children are better off facing with honesty and understanding so they are able to handle loss when they are adults. For them to see us grieve and for their schedules to get a tad askew due to these situations is ok - again, it is life.

    If you need a night out with friends, take it. Don't feel guilty about leaving Duckie. She is an only child who gets the lion's share of your attention - she will be ok with mom taking care of herself. It is what you want Duckie to see anyway - a healthy woman/mom who has her own interests in addition to taking care of the home and hearth.

    Many hugs. Hope you get that night out.

  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I've been blessed so far and have limited exposure to death and dying. What you're feeling, however, I think is quite common for Mothers/Wives/Working Women...especially those with difficult child's. It has been my experience that you just slowly lose parts of yourself as years pass with demands dictating your life and your "wants" getting further and further out of view.

    Inconsequential activities go on the back burner. Going out to lunch and sitting at the table too long becaue the company is so much fun? It may be possible to meet for lunch...but in the back of your mind you know "I have to pick up X" or "I'll be late for work if I dawdle" or "School's almost out." Just letting yourself go with the flow of fun becomes rare. I'm not sure what I miss most. Spontaneous choices like a TGIF hour...on Thursday, lol? Hours alone reading a good book, sipping hot tea and letting my mind go to a different realm?

    In retrospect I do wish that I had found a way to keep the parts of me that I miss. Yeah, even a "stupid" jewelry party can be important, lol. Right now you're in a whirlwind but keep seeking the outer edges of the storm and make sure you jump on the chance to just "be you". It's important for your future. Hugs DDD
  10. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I agree with what everyone has said. You need to take care of you!! I know how hard it is living on a roller coaster of emotions, events that you have no control over, etc., when all you want to do is to get off of that endless ride... It rots...

    That old saying about being on an airplane, needing to put on your oxygen mask before helping others, is so true. You need to take time to take care of yourself or risk losing yourself. I learned this lesson way too late...

    Thinking of you today... Many hugs... SFR
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I think you are absolutely right. That totally stinks and is completely unfair!!!

    I do hope you get an opportunity to get out a little bit and do something fun - you deserve a break.
  12. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    TM - I understand and send you big hugs. It is very easy to get consumed by caregiving responsibilities - I think sometimes we feel that that is what we're *supposed* to do, devote our very being to all those who need us. It leaves very little of ourselves left.

    It's very easy to say "I can do this (aka burn candles at both ends and in the middle) now and when this crisis passes, I'll get my life back," except that sometimes it seems there's crisis after crisis. It's not petty to feel burned out - it's a reality. I'm just now re-figuring out that self-care is a necessity, not a luxury, especially when you're looking at long-term caregiving. It's not selfish and it's not letting others down. It's some you *must* do for you.

    Again, many hugs.
  13. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I understand what you are going thru. We've been thru something similar with my mother in law being sick, her sister the year before and husband's grandmother the year before that. Missy went off the deep end and I couldn't be social or do much of anything. It's only now that things are feeling like they are getting back to normal and I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    If you can, schedule a breakfast with your friends while the kids are in school. Have some friends over for brunch and do it pot luck style. This way you won't feel so excluded.
  14. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Thank you everyone. I called husband at work (he's much more likely to keep a professional tone when co-workers are within hearing distance). I told him that I had a jewelry party to attend this evening, was there anyway he could cover Duckie this evening? FWIW, I've practically been a single parent for the last month with his mother's health issues. At first he said he'd bring Duckie with him, but quickly decided against it when he realized she was going to try to take swim this afternoon, still wasn't feeling that great, would need a shower and might have homework to work on. He's going to call his sister to take the night off.

    I also told him that we need to find a way to find some balance or we'd just be stressed and resentful throughout this. He agreed and said he already felt that way and that was something for us to discuss.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry like hoovers and I hear you!!!!

    Yaaaay that you called husband and made the arrangements for this evening.

    One step in the right direction ... :hi5:
  16. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    That's great that you talked to him and that you guys are on the same page. Have fun at the jewelry party!
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah for you and Yeah for husband!!! What a team!!

    I am sorry things are so stressful, but is there any reason you do not have a teenage babysitter for Duckie at this point? I recall that being a very fun part of my childhood! Find someone that you can trust and make it a weekly night out or every other week. It is OK. Really! It is!
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Way To Go, husband! Ddd
  19. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I hope you have fun tonight.

    I am sorry things are so bad right now. It seems that life likes to kick us when we are down. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, try to put a smile on your face and keep going. Eventually, you do walk thru and past the bad times.I have to keep reminding my own self that too.

    When I am down - which is a lot lately - I tend to want to be a hermit and go about my days head down without speaking unless necessary. Which of course adds to my misery. This is going to sound really stupid, but sometimes when I am feeling horrible - I try to give everyone I encounter that day an honest compliment. The clerk at the grocery store, the UPS guy, the attendance lady at easy child's school, the neighbor I see when I get the mail etc. Nothing grandiose but a sincere compliment. It's crazy, but to see their face light up and to get an honest to goodness smile and a "thank you" really brightens my own day. And reminds me that I care about people and people care about me.

    I've just outed myself as a dork
  20. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Being a constant caregiver is extremely taxing. I'm glad you and husband are on the same page.