Having a serious case of the blahs lately and I'm not liking this feeling.

[Californiablonde]

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I feel like my life has no purpose. I am just going through each day on autopilot. I get up for work each morning and get the kids off to school. I come to work, which is at a high school, and I'm busy for like the first two hours, then it dies down and there's absolutely NOTHING to do. I have hours to kill on the computer. I either spend my time here or I take various surveys online to try and make money or win prizes. So far all I've won is six dollars, a sack of cat litter, toilet paper, and paper towels.

The surveys are basically a waste of my time, but I'm so damn bored most of the day that I have nothing else to do. At the end of the day I pick up the difficult children from daycare, go home, make dinner, hop in the shower, and fall asleep by 8 after watching Dr. Phil. I take my night time pills at six so they will be cleared out of my system by 6 the next morning and I can drive. I am absolutely paranoid about driving with the medications still in my system since I got my DUI. I have to take them at 6 every night with dinner so they will be completely out of my system by 6 a.m. The Geodon is what knocks me out. It has to be taken on a full stomach, then it takes about an hour to two hours to knock me out cold. Sometimes I don't even make it through Dr. Phil.

I haven't watched prime time TV during the work week in years because of the Geodon. I am missing out on all kinds of shows, but there's nothing I can do to help it. Usually I look forward to Friday nights because I an eat dinner and take my pills later. All of my bridal shows are on Friday night so stay up till 11 since I don't have to worry about driving the next day. I used to really look forward to Friday nights. When difficult children are gone to their dad's I drink a couple of glasses of wine. The wine totally relaxes me and I have absolutely no anxiety. I used to look forward to difficult children being gone so I could have a night to myself with my bridal shows and my wine.

This weekend they will be at their dad's. For once I am not looking forward to it. Friday nights are spent by myself and Saturday nights my boyfriend comes over. I used to look forward to him coming over too, but now I couldn't care less. I feel like I have nothing going for me right now. I have nothing to look forward to. I am not getting any enjoyment out of life. I am restless and bored and no amount of company is making me feel better. I want more out of life, but what? I am not feeling at all fulfilled and I don't know why. I have two kids who Ilove like crazy even though they can really stress me out to no end. I have a boyfriend who I adore and love with all my heart. I have a pretty decent job and normally I love being around my students.

I used to carry on a lot of conversations with my students and really enjoyed getting to know them. Now I feel like I have nothing to say and I don't strike up conversations like I used to. I don't know if this is just a temporary phase or if it could be considered another depression. My last depression lasted almost two years and I was hospitalized twice because of it. I finally came out of it a year ago and I was doing SO well, up until the last several weeks. I am hoping this is just a nasty phase that will end soon because I hate feeling like this. I don't know where else to turn.

 

[Californiablonde]

And dare I say I am almost hoping for a manic episode. At least when I'm manic my house is really really clean and I can stay awake late and function on only a couple of hours of sleep. I actually feel alive when I'm manic. I miss it sometimes. I know I shouldn't but I do.

 

[Jody]

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. I also miss the manic highs at times. I did not have them often but when I did, like you said my house was super after not sleeping for days, I accomplished a lot. The last time was just a couple of months ago when I could not afford my medicine. I was gathering cleaning supplies at 3:30 am to go outside to clean the inside of my car. I had cleaned everything else in the house. I started laughing so hard when I realized that I was having a manic episode and it wasnt just insomnia. I could not take geodon. I simply could not wake up on it. I take seroquel now and it really helps me with my bi-polar and sleep. Hang in there. Have you asked your supervisor for more work?
Maybe you could assist a teacher with something? I was bored at work too, not long ago, and really began to feel like kind of bad that I was earning but wasn't doing anything. I visited the other employees, and now I have way more than I can get done. I do feel good at the end of the day and the day goes by much faster. As far as night time goes, I think Fall is a beautiful time. It's cool enough to go outside and not swelter but very pretty. How about making yourself go out once a week. Just once a week, couple hours, even if it doesnt sound like fun. I remember I did this when i was having issues with severe depression and once I got to the activity, I realized it was much more fun than being in my bed in the bedroom. I hope you feel better soon. Hugs.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Ummm... given your history? Better to assume the worst, and get yourself back in front of a psychiatrist. The sooner you catch this, the faster you can turn it around. Do NOT assume it's just a phase. Let THEM tell you that... and even then, I'd be wary of believing them.

You have a lot on your plate right now... things that tend to be a "drag" on even the most balanced among us. Chances of these things dragging you too far down... are there. Get help.

JMO of course - but we've had to take that approach with difficult child... start to slip "down" and difficult child needs help NOW, even if I can't find a 'valid cause' for the "down".

 

[Californiablonde]

Well my next psychiatrist appointment is October 2nd. He can't get me in any earlier. I'll just have to wait it out till then. Right now I feel like I'm sleepwalking through life. Food is my only source of comfort, and I'm on a major diet right now so I can barely even enjoy that!

 

[InsaneCdn]

OK, then, time for some other self-help tricks.

First, of course, the breathing exercise stuff that Star mentioned...

Then... can you get some full-spectrum light bulbs? Not the expensive specialty lights used for SAD, but "ordinary" light bulbs that have full spectrum light. They are more expensive than ordinary bulbs, but not excessive. Put those into the lights you use in the bedroom, bathroom and by your "favorite chair". (it made a huge diff to me)

Diet or no diet... get yourself some very high quality dark chocolate (not cheap chocolate bars). A quarter-ounce per day will not wreck your diet... but chocolate often does a real number on dark moods.

Force yourself to exercise - even if it's housecleaning. DO something. It helps your sleep AND your mood.

There's probably other stuff too, but... those are the ones I know about.

 

[Californiablonde]

I'm really liking the sound of the dark chocolate idea, lol. I just may splurge and buy myself some. Thanks for the tips.

 

[BusynMember]

When I was on a lot of medications for my mood disorder, it made me apathetic and depressed. It kind of stopped the extreme moodswings, but I actually felt very "dull." The medications also made me gain weight (Remeron is a big weight gainer). I have a friend who took Neurontin and she had the same complaint as you...that it made her feel blah so she quit taking it. I am afraid that your doctor will try to increase your medications if you see him rather than maybe trying to lower your doses. Even with bipolar, if you take too many medications, they can zombie you out rather than making you feel better. It's a very delicate balance...one I had to learn about as I played the medications game. Are any of the medications newer and did this start when a new medication was added? Of course all of your medications do take 4-8 weeks to kick in so it could be a month or more before the medications affect you, good or bad.

That would be the first place I'd go...the medications, helping you or too many medications? What doses are you on?

When I was on Lithium, I could barely make myself move. I wasn't depressed, but I wasn't enjoying anything either. I felt doped up and sleepy most of the time and finally refused to take it, which made me feel better within days (I do not recommend the cold turkey trick that I did...just wanted you to know that Lithium made me feel like there was no joy in my world). Your description of sleepwalking through life sounds a lot like when I was on a too-high dose of Lithium. I felt like the world was a dream. At the time, I was also on anxiety medications so my head was really foggy.

Unfortunately, psychiatrists tend to ADD medications rather than lower the doses or amounts of medications. I have no idea why, but often this isn't the right thing to do. Also, wrong doses of medications can make you feel yukky. If a dose is too high it will not work and only make you feel a bit drugged.

I would not drink alcohol on the medications you are taking.

What do you think of your doctor? Have these medications helped you? Do you feel you need a second opinion? Sometimes second opinions are golden! After Lithium Doctor, I found a doctor who believed me when I told him I was super sensitive to medications and he gave me a very low dose of another medication...a dose so low it normally does not work for an adult. But it worked great for me and I was back to myself again within a month. You need a psychiatrist who will take you very seriously (your symptoms) and consider ALL possibilities, including perhaps that you are on too many medications and that one or the combination is zoning you out. If he has the condenscending attitude that you are just an anxious "mental patient" not to be taken seriously (and many psychiatrists are like that)...run for the hills. That attitude harms more than helps.

Good luck. Wishing you all the best! I have soooooooooo been there and done that and I have the t-shirt. Want to share?

 

[Californiablonde]

Well, Midwest mom, I think you may be right and I'm on too many damn medications. Neurontin is the most recent. I hate to give up on it because it really helps with some of the anxiety I'm experiencing. I still suffer from anxiety but not as much. It took forever just to find something that would help me at all whatsoever with it. I would really like to wean myself off of the Geodon but I've tried in the past with no luck. My body is now addicted to it and it's the ONLY thing that makes me sleep. Without it I literally go days of no sleep whatsoever. NOt even sleeping pills will knock me out. It literally has to be Geodon or nothing. I really wish I could find some way of dumping it altogether. I haven't had one single manic episode since starting it about four years ago. It works too damn good. It zaps me of all my feelings. I don't find joy in anything. I have no idea what psychiatrist is going to do with my medications the next time around. I've been on so damn many of them. He is at a loss over what to do with me. At our last appointment he told me he is almost all out of his bag of tricks when it comes to making me stable. There's not much out there I haven't tried. Perhaps you're right and I just need to drop a couple of the medications and sink or swim. I have no idea what else to do at this point.

 

[BusynMember]

Well, he hasn't tried reducing the amount of medications you are on. My son HATED Remeron...HATED it. I had a bad reaction to Zoloft and had to quit using it. I also know EXACTLY what you mean when you say that the medications zap you of your feelings. My Lithium days were like that. I had no emotions and I was too spacy and zoned to even work. And you just found the dirty little secret about medications...they become addictive, even when they aren't supposed to, and the doctors don't tell us about THAT little tidbit. Maybe you can lower the Geodon to the bare minimum and still not suffer from side effects.

You know what? If your psychiatrist is all out of ideas, time to see a fresh face with new ideas because sometimes that can be the key. Sticking with a guy who says he doesn't know what to do anymore is kind of a waste of time.

I am kind of convinced that two medications should be enough to stablize anyone and am leery of doctors that pile on the medications until you are zombied out. I have always refused to take more than two medications. And two medications work fine for me, but, like you, I can never go off my medications...the withdrawal would kill me. Fortunately, I have no interest in going off of either since both work so well. But if I ever wanted to go off of them, it is hell. I would probably just go down to the lowest level I could take without getting the horrific side effects, but again I don't plan on going off my medications.

To give you an idea of what medications I've been on (and I'm sure I will forget a few, here is what I remember, in order): Amitriptyline, imitriptylene, senequen, nortriptylene, Ritalin, valium, Tegretal, inderal, Lithium, Prozac, Zoloft, librium, lorazapan, thorazine (OMG, ick!), trilafon, paroxatene and clonazapan. I am still on the paroxatine and clonazapine twenty years later (or more) and they still work great. All the medications before that either did not work, only worked a little bit and I was still depressed, or gave me such scary side effects that I had to be removed and hospitalized. Took me over ten years to find medications that worked for me. So I understand the extreme frustration. As I said, I probably forgot a few medications that I was prescribed! I also tried diets and vitamen supplements...they didn't seem to do anything for me. Niacin gave me an overdose that was as horrible as some of the medications.

I am convinced most people don't understand how potent these medications are (the doctors do not tell you...the minimize them) and I am especially alarmed at how many of our kids are prescribed these heavy duty medications. Then when the kids "calm down"...are they really calm or are they in the twilight zone and cognitively dulled? Anyhow, no vent now. I would try another doctor. Trust me, I do understand. It hoovers big time too! (((Hugs)))!!!