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Having all of these mixed feelings
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 640403" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Well...this is a tough one. I would not have stayed in contact with anyone who treated me that way. I think my kids were all better off without knowing my batty DNA collection...lol. Sounds like you have one too <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> My kids, grown now, do not miss having my family in their lives. In fact, they don't want to know them. But here's the thing...</p><p></p><p>You know you can't live with your daughter.</p><p></p><p>It is possible she will flip out at your brother's house.</p><p></p><p>For your safety, she can't live with you, if you value your safety at all, that is.</p><p></p><p>So his house is her only protection from homelessness. And if she calls you begging to come home, you have the option of saying, "No, that will never work out again." And to stick to it. If you can't, again, this is something I feel therapy would help you be able to do...or it will help you resolve your issues with your daughter and maybe even live with her. But you aren't getting professional help so your interactions with her are unlikely to change. So you KNOW what will happen if she comes back. I find having a plan, even notes by the phone, help me know what to say when I know I am going to have a crazy or abusive phone conversation with one of my crazy DNA connections. I have learned to stick to one sentence and just repeat it, not engaging the difficult child. "No, I'm sorry, it is not best for you or me if you come home."</p><p></p><p>Her: You'are a (fill in the blanks). I hate you (fill in the blanks)</p><p></p><p>You: It is not in our best interests for us to live together.</p><p></p><p>Her: YOU WANT ME TO BE HOMELESS! YOU'RE A TERRIBLE MOTHER! I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF.</p><p></p><p>(now here you can hang up and call 911. I do. I don't take chances.)</p><p></p><p>If she leaves off the "I am going to kill myself," you can say, "Let me think about it. I'm going to get off now." Then get off. Putting it off is very helpful. Things may resolve over there or you can think about your next move before making a commitment. I learned this on this forum, by the way.</p><p></p><p>Again, I find it is best to plan for the obvious and roleplay it, even if it's just yourself. I would NOT talk to Brother about this, if he calls to put in his two cents. This is actually between you and your daughter, not him. His relationship with your daughter, and his offer to let her live with him, is between THEM. I would not talk to Abusive Brother during this time. You are sweet and easily hurt...why engage with somebody who will predictably hurt you and make you feel badly?</p><p></p><p>The situation is not that complicated if you break it down.</p><p></p><p>1. Daughter is dangerous to you.</p><p>2. You want daughter to live elsewhere.</p><p>3. Daughter has to leave.</p><p></p><p>What your daughter does with this is up to her.</p><p></p><p>You can always change your mind. You will probably eventually see that your first instincts were good and that doing the same thing over and over again just leads to more of the same. She moves in. She is scary. You make her leave. Rinse. Repeat. Things don't normally change until somebody decides "I am going to change." That's where the professional help can be so useful. Most of us may want our relationships to change, but we don't know how to change them so we need help.</p><p></p><p>I am going to hope you have a good day today. I see you are up as early as me again <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> We are the forum early birds!!!</p><p></p><p>Keep your chin up. Stop worrying about what your daughter or brother will do and worry about YOUR needs and safety. And Good God, I would not have any unnecessary conversations with that brother of yours. He sounds horrible.</p><p></p><p>Hugs! "Today is the first day of the rest of your life!" <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 640403, member: 1550"] Well...this is a tough one. I would not have stayed in contact with anyone who treated me that way. I think my kids were all better off without knowing my batty DNA collection...lol. Sounds like you have one too ;) My kids, grown now, do not miss having my family in their lives. In fact, they don't want to know them. But here's the thing... You know you can't live with your daughter. It is possible she will flip out at your brother's house. For your safety, she can't live with you, if you value your safety at all, that is. So his house is her only protection from homelessness. And if she calls you begging to come home, you have the option of saying, "No, that will never work out again." And to stick to it. If you can't, again, this is something I feel therapy would help you be able to do...or it will help you resolve your issues with your daughter and maybe even live with her. But you aren't getting professional help so your interactions with her are unlikely to change. So you KNOW what will happen if she comes back. I find having a plan, even notes by the phone, help me know what to say when I know I am going to have a crazy or abusive phone conversation with one of my crazy DNA connections. I have learned to stick to one sentence and just repeat it, not engaging the difficult child. "No, I'm sorry, it is not best for you or me if you come home." Her: You'are a (fill in the blanks). I hate you (fill in the blanks) You: It is not in our best interests for us to live together. Her: YOU WANT ME TO BE HOMELESS! YOU'RE A TERRIBLE MOTHER! I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF. (now here you can hang up and call 911. I do. I don't take chances.) If she leaves off the "I am going to kill myself," you can say, "Let me think about it. I'm going to get off now." Then get off. Putting it off is very helpful. Things may resolve over there or you can think about your next move before making a commitment. I learned this on this forum, by the way. Again, I find it is best to plan for the obvious and roleplay it, even if it's just yourself. I would NOT talk to Brother about this, if he calls to put in his two cents. This is actually between you and your daughter, not him. His relationship with your daughter, and his offer to let her live with him, is between THEM. I would not talk to Abusive Brother during this time. You are sweet and easily hurt...why engage with somebody who will predictably hurt you and make you feel badly? The situation is not that complicated if you break it down. 1. Daughter is dangerous to you. 2. You want daughter to live elsewhere. 3. Daughter has to leave. What your daughter does with this is up to her. You can always change your mind. You will probably eventually see that your first instincts were good and that doing the same thing over and over again just leads to more of the same. She moves in. She is scary. You make her leave. Rinse. Repeat. Things don't normally change until somebody decides "I am going to change." That's where the professional help can be so useful. Most of us may want our relationships to change, but we don't know how to change them so we need help. I am going to hope you have a good day today. I see you are up as early as me again :) We are the forum early birds!!! Keep your chin up. Stop worrying about what your daughter or brother will do and worry about YOUR needs and safety. And Good God, I would not have any unnecessary conversations with that brother of yours. He sounds horrible. Hugs! "Today is the first day of the rest of your life!" ;) [/QUOTE]
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