Having an emotional day

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Apr 29, 2019.

  1. Again, just need to let it out...
    Someone finally called from the treatment center where he did PHP and told me that all he has are vivitrol shots set up... no counseling, no IOP, no psychiatric appointments, nothing to hold him accountable at all.
    So the 2 weeks of PHP was most likely to save his job.
    He is back to work- went back last week.

    Heard about how high is credit cards are through a text, was told he has to withdraw $ form his 401k due to hardship because he owes his ER copays and has no money.., heard he only has $100 left after he pays rent until his next pay, etc.

    I didn't take the bait, I just didn't react to those texts. He hasn't reached out all weekend and I fear he relapsed again.
    I feel so un-mom like by not asking how he is, by not asking how work is, etc.
    Is it okay that I am not making any effort and reaching out to my son?

    I am so tired. I know I have done way more than I ever should have for him and nothing worked. I know he has to face the consequences and I am letting him. I am not paying for anything.

    I guess it is okay I am not reaching out to him. It isn't like he ever reaches out to us to see how we are doing or how his grandparents are doing?
    I am just emotional today. Work sucks, home life sucks and this with my son sucks...
    Thanks for listening.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I have been where you are and I know how horrible it is.

    Honestly I have been through so much in my life and nothing compares to what you are going through right now.

    I also felt like a bad mother because I stopped being (my idea of) a mother. But I just had to push it out of my head when I felt guilty. It was not easy and without therapy and God's grace I would not have been able to do it.

    My son is better now and does not hold it against me. His faith based program finally turned him around. He was in many, many programs. Oh the money we spent! He is now working and very responsible. He does go to church with us when he is not working.

    I wish I could tell everyone here that HE is the answer and thankfully we were in a position to force our son to complete the program. He wanted to be with his family bad enough to do it. We could have buried him many times and we could have had a lot different ending.

    My heart goes out to you and all the other parents here suffering. There is no end in sight and that is the hardest part of all. Ours was seven years and that is a hell of a long time to be in a constant state of worry while they are in an altered state. Now looking back I see how sick our son really was.
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi TTBS,

    I think you know that if you ask how he is or how work is going, you will just get complaints.

    The good news is that your son actually has money in his 401k! If he takes it out to pay his bills, so be it. He has a lot more time to replenish his savings before retirement than you do!

    It is so hard to let go of the outcome. We think that if we just do one more thing, it will all work out. It almost never happens that way, and certainly doesn’t happen when we are talking about addictions.

    They have to do it themselves.

    I think it is much harder to not do anything for them.

    Vent away, that is what this place is for.

  4. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Actually you are being a good mom because you are ensuring that your son steps up and handles his life as a grown up should. That's the ultimate good parent. You have to separate who he is now (an adult) from the child you spent so many years nurturing. You parent differently at different ages, and what you are doing now is exactly the parenting an adult child needs. You are being a mom who is letting her adult child stand on his own and learn how to be a grown up. Sometimes the parenting our children need is not the kind of parenting they want. Stay strong. Sending peace your way.
  5. Thank you everyone. I went to a parents meeting yesterday and some were telling me of a speaker they went to see the day prior. The speaker said that as parents it is good to make our addicts uncomfortable and we need to get used to feeling uncomfortable because that is what they need. (something along those lines). When it feels comfortable for us, it is because we are helping them I guess.