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Having to let go with love
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 730965" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>It is a challenge every day. When the tears come, let them flow. It is a certain kind of grief we go through and I believe it is important to honor that and feel what we have to feel, let it out.</p><p>My two will do the same, try to put it in my lap. “Why do you hate me.” If only they knew the hell we have been through as if their consequences were our own.</p><p>That is also a form of gaslighting, trying to reach into our hearts and manipulate us through guilting us into believing that standing firm is rejecting <em>them</em>. Hating them.</p><p>There is nothing further from the truth. We are saying with affirmative action that they are quite capable of forging their way, <em>if they so desire</em>. They can. <em>They can do it</em>.</p><p>We will not be on this earth forever to care for their every need, nor should we shackle them by doing so.</p><p>When my two were in my home, they brought their chaos and drama. Disrespected the simple concept of contributing to the household. Stole from us. Damaged property. Carried on with partying, then slept for days while we went off to work.</p><p>It would be no different if it remained status quo.</p><p>They reject the ways of society, but see no problem living off of their parents, or anyone else who would take them in.</p><p>It is no way for them or us to live.</p><p>When I am saddened by that void, or wonder how they are faring, I remind myself of the impossible situations when they were living in my home, aimlessly drifting in a drug haze, taking advantage of our efforts to help.</p><p>There was no change.</p><p>It takes a tremendous amount of love to see the black hole enabling creates for them and us, to say no more and to stand by that.</p><p>It takes courage and strength.</p><p>Remember that if your son utters those words again.</p><p>Love says no.</p><p>Love says you have it in you to find your way and succeed.</p><p>The other side to this, is we matter too. It was awful having my two in their past and current state in my home.</p><p>I felt a prisoner, so much stress and anxiety. They cared not, how their choices effected me, or my then ailing husband.</p><p>It was a horrible mess.</p><p>No way to live. It is an imbalance, the scales are tipped for their self indulgent behaviors, using and abusing any “help” they receive, looking at it with entitlement rather than gratitude, then shoving it back in our faces with indecent and unacceptable attitudes and choices.</p><p>Not going back there.</p><p>You have done so much for your son, made the phone calls, laid the groundwork.</p><p>He knows where to go for help.</p><p>You are a loving and kind mother. Your son is ill, he needs to recognize that and want to live differently. You have seen that if he wants to, he can.</p><p>Same for my two. Addicted to meth, using it long enough to suffer the psychosis that goes with that.</p><p>I pray for them daily, but know I am not the one to fix them.</p><p>I am thankful for the blessed years I had raising them. They are not little children anymore.</p><p> It is time for them to figure out what they want in life.</p><p>While they are on their journey,we are on one too.</p><p>That is to figure out even with these difficult circumstances, how to live the best rest of our lives.I am convinced that is tantamount to them doing well. That we be in the forefront of this battle holding our banners high. The goal being that as we continue to find our way through, we are saying with word and deed, “If I can do this thing called life, so can you.”</p><p>The answer to “Why do you hate me?” Is.......I love you with all my heart, enough to say enough. Enough to say that I have taught you as much as I possibly could, you are an adult, find your way and your potential. Make good choices.</p><p>In between all of that, we are not rugs to be tread upon, nor things to be used or abused.</p><p>We are their parents. We love them, but they must learn to live their paths.</p><p>Love and hugs to you, please know you are not alone. In your sadness, I am there, say a prayer, wipe away your tears, take deep breaths.</p><p>Find joy in the simple things.</p><p>We walk together, one step at a time. We may falter and stumble, but each time we get up and brush off our proverbial bloodied knees, mend our torn hearts, we grow a bit stronger, and furrow our brow of determination to march on as best we can.</p><p>Peace be to you.</p><p>Chin up, you are doing the right thing for you and your son.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 730965, member: 19522"] It is a challenge every day. When the tears come, let them flow. It is a certain kind of grief we go through and I believe it is important to honor that and feel what we have to feel, let it out. My two will do the same, try to put it in my lap. “Why do you hate me.” If only they knew the hell we have been through as if their consequences were our own. That is also a form of gaslighting, trying to reach into our hearts and manipulate us through guilting us into believing that standing firm is rejecting [I]them[/I]. Hating them. There is nothing further from the truth. We are saying with affirmative action that they are quite capable of forging their way, [I]if they so desire[/I]. They can. [I]They can do it[/I]. We will not be on this earth forever to care for their every need, nor should we shackle them by doing so. When my two were in my home, they brought their chaos and drama. Disrespected the simple concept of contributing to the household. Stole from us. Damaged property. Carried on with partying, then slept for days while we went off to work. It would be no different if it remained status quo. They reject the ways of society, but see no problem living off of their parents, or anyone else who would take them in. It is no way for them or us to live. When I am saddened by that void, or wonder how they are faring, I remind myself of the impossible situations when they were living in my home, aimlessly drifting in a drug haze, taking advantage of our efforts to help. There was no change. It takes a tremendous amount of love to see the black hole enabling creates for them and us, to say no more and to stand by that. It takes courage and strength. Remember that if your son utters those words again. Love says no. Love says you have it in you to find your way and succeed. The other side to this, is we matter too. It was awful having my two in their past and current state in my home. I felt a prisoner, so much stress and anxiety. They cared not, how their choices effected me, or my then ailing husband. It was a horrible mess. No way to live. It is an imbalance, the scales are tipped for their self indulgent behaviors, using and abusing any “help” they receive, looking at it with entitlement rather than gratitude, then shoving it back in our faces with indecent and unacceptable attitudes and choices. Not going back there. You have done so much for your son, made the phone calls, laid the groundwork. He knows where to go for help. You are a loving and kind mother. Your son is ill, he needs to recognize that and want to live differently. You have seen that if he wants to, he can. Same for my two. Addicted to meth, using it long enough to suffer the psychosis that goes with that. I pray for them daily, but know I am not the one to fix them. I am thankful for the blessed years I had raising them. They are not little children anymore. It is time for them to figure out what they want in life. While they are on their journey,we are on one too. That is to figure out even with these difficult circumstances, how to live the best rest of our lives.I am convinced that is tantamount to them doing well. That we be in the forefront of this battle holding our banners high. The goal being that as we continue to find our way through, we are saying with word and deed, “If I can do this thing called life, so can you.” The answer to “Why do you hate me?” Is.......I love you with all my heart, enough to say enough. Enough to say that I have taught you as much as I possibly could, you are an adult, find your way and your potential. Make good choices. In between all of that, we are not rugs to be tread upon, nor things to be used or abused. We are their parents. We love them, but they must learn to live their paths. Love and hugs to you, please know you are not alone. In your sadness, I am there, say a prayer, wipe away your tears, take deep breaths. Find joy in the simple things. We walk together, one step at a time. We may falter and stumble, but each time we get up and brush off our proverbial bloodied knees, mend our torn hearts, we grow a bit stronger, and furrow our brow of determination to march on as best we can. Peace be to you. Chin up, you are doing the right thing for you and your son. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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