He at least apologized.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Nov 3, 2010.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I just got a text and he said he was sorry.

    That's a flippin' start and the first time he's apologized for any of the vehicle shananigans.
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    It's a start. At least he figured out he's deep in the doghouse on this one.
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    And then I had the nerve to ask him to put cgfg's clothes in the dryer. He grumbled, but did it.

    BUT THEN - I asked him if he cleaned out the lint screen (the dryer is new). And he yelled that he wass quite capable of operating the dryer, and yes, he cleaned out the lint screen.

    My, G*d, I am a witch.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I don't even know what to say about your guy any more...

    It seems beyond incompetent or inconsiderate. It's gotta be a difficult child thing...don't ya think?
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I almost wish someone would come in and evaluate our home. I know there are things I can improve, but I just feel so totally overwhelmed anymore that I don't know what is important.

    I worked late Tuesday at the office. That was when the car died, so easy child 1 handled picking up husband and towing the car home. I also got $100 worth of groceries on my lunch hour.

    Yesterday, I had an early morning issue at work, left from the previous night, that I had to address and logged on from home at 7:10am and worked on that while getting Wee ready for school. I left long enough to take Wee to school, then had conference calls from 8-9:45 (no time to get to the office).

    At 9:45, I took a 7 minute shower, got dressed, and came to the office for another meeting with our vice president (it takes 20 minutes to drive from my house to the office, too, it was a FAST get ready).

    At 12:35, I left to pick up Wee from school since grandma was out. I picked him up at 1, and hurried home to get on another 2 hour conference call that started at 1. Our phone doesn't have a mute button on it, so I tape folded tissue on it, and Wee came in and shot me with his automatic Nerf gun (thank goodness, apparently, my tissue "mute" works well). At 3, after the call, I typed up notes from the conference calls to distribute, helped Wee fix a snack, realized we were out of forks, so loaded put the rest of the dishes in the dishwasher and started it, then finished up my work for the day by 4:45. Then the kids and I took the farm truck to the mechanic. We planned to walk back, but his son offered to give us a ride.

    Back home, the kids played outside while I folded 3 loads of laundry that I'd washed the night before and on my "breaks" from work. Then they helped me put away the dishes and put the rest of the dishes in the dishwasher. I asked cgfg if she needed clothes washed, which she did, so she sorted her laundry and I threw her clothes in the washer. We put away the costume stuff that we got out for Halloween.

    husband got home at 5, asked if I'd bought cattle feed today (I did not, planning to buy it that night when we went into town), was not happy about that. He saddled the mule and went for a ride. While he was gone, I cleaned out the car and loaded the garbage in the truck to haul off when we got home from town (2 50-gallon barrels).

    He got back at 6:15, loaded the kids in the car, ate a quick supper at a buffet place, then took the kids shopping for wedding clothes (just found out they have minor roles in the wedding, which has only been in the planning stages for 3 weeks, and is taking place in 2 weeks, and we only have cgfg one more time before the wedding...). Got the cattle feed, horse feed, and chicken feed, got to the clothing store at 7:45, picked out about 10 dresses for Cgfg try on (husband hated most of them), found a dress, found Wee some slacks and he picked a sweater, the store waited on us to finish up with Wee to close. Got home at 9:40.

    I am working with our off-shore site again, so I have to sign on in the evenings and see if they have questions/need help, so I unloaded the cattle feed and poured it into the storage can and fed the cows. husband unloaded the horse feed and put it away. I took the chicken feed and filled the chicken feeder, then went inside and logged on to work. The off-shore folks had questions about our project, so I was on until 12:15.

    husband came inside and said "I'm guessing you plan to take the garbage off tonight? The truck is plugged in" (meaning, unplug it before you leave) and went and logged on to online checkers. Then he came in the living room and played a hunting game on Wii til about 11, then he watched some tv, then he went to the bedroom to watch tv. I asked him to help Wee get in bed when we got in the house, he grumbled but did it (which literally consists of helping Wee line out his blanket) and throw cgfg's clothes in the dryer (to do that, he had to get some out, which he threw on the bed).

    When I got done working at 12:15, I took the garbage off (drive it to the church dumpster - we pay them to use the dumpster). When I got home, he was in the shower. While I was picking up my computer and work notebooks, he went to bed. Pushed the clothes to my side of the bed. So I went in and had to deal with the load of laundry, then I got to go to bed.

    I realize everyone has full plates, but this is pretty much the routine in my house, and I think its bull____. I wish someone would come in and tell me what I need to do different.
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2010
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    You don't need an evaluation at your house. You need a VACATION!

    I don't have any sage advice for motivating him to contribute more around the house. It's clearly not as important to him as it is to you, and therein lies the problem.

    My husband is blind to a lot of the things that bug me around here. Unless I have a meltdown about something, he just doesn't get it on his own. However, if I sit him down and specifically ask for X or Y to be done by a certain time, then he's usually a willing worker. Maybe your husband would be responsive to a similar plea for participation? Show him a list of daily chores and ask him to pick a number (preferably half) that will be his permanent jobs. Explain that his ownership of those jobs will translate into a nag-free life and a happy wife who will gladly support him in (whatever his favorite activity is). Draw him a picture if you have to :) Also explain that his lack of participation could have dire consequences for his life as he knows it! :winks:
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i got tired just from reading that. god only knows i'm no one to judge being what went on in our home last night. confirmed my husband is a difficult child told him to head to a pyschiatrist.

    yet i'm thinking are any of the kids doing any chores? your doing way too much. granted husband should def. be pitching in more because i dont' know how you pull it off, alot of caffeinne maybe??
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    wow i just reread that. I don't know the attitude i have i'd probabl go no strike literally and see if he likes it the way it'll be when you dont' fly around like superwoman all the time. i mean pushing the clothes to other side of bed tha'Tourette's Syndrome just bs. see i'm crazy i would of thrown them on him or thrown his clothes out the window
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    The kids help. Wee is actually good about picking up his own stuff (within reason - he's essentially 5). At least around the house. He's awful about leaving junk in the car, tho. I am, too, which bugs the snot out of husband, but frankly, I'd rather have a messy car than a messy house. So instead of drag it inside and dump it on the counter, I just leave it in the car til I can put it away. He hates that. I figure in the car doesn't impede fxing supper.

    Cgfg has to be told to pick up, but she'll do it. At 13, she should be far more self reliant (she still doesn't get up on her own in the morning, can't do laundry, etc). At first I took it upon myself to make her more self-reliant. 1 night a week and every other weekend when no one else does it? Lost cause. I quit. She and Wee honestly are on about the same level with chores. By her age, both older boys were largely capable of independant living. She's not even close. She won't even brush her hair or teeth unless you tell her. She also wont change her underclothes or socks unless she's told. And guess who does that (oh, wait, no I don't. I quit doing that. I just wake her up for school.)

    I jumped husband's butt about the dryer comment. He'd told me Tue night that I read too much into his voice. So I went to the bedroom and said "really? I read too much into your voice? You didn't just mean to totally snap at me for asking a very valid question, considering we have a brand new dryer you have never used????" Oh, well, he meant it this time, but the others he doesn't mean to do. You don't mean them, or they aren't there...? cause that's a BIG diffrence, honey.
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Definitely makes me appreciate my husband a little more. He does the laundry, dishes, trash, cars, yard and half the cooking. I clean, do everything as far as the kids are concerned, keep all things financial, and half the cooking. I may throw in a load or two of laundry now and then but I have a real problem with not finishing a load and so it ends up stinky...lol. My mother in law is soooo awesome - she taught both her children well! I wish I passed the same onto my kids, but they are lazy as all get out!
    I would say you definitely have to split up the "chores" of the household. Decide who will be responsible for what and it will be a lot less stress.
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Shari - sounds like my house too - but - you do more than I do! I was exhausted just reading all that.

    Good that he apologized... But ya know? Time for him to step up, too.

    HUGS!!! And you DO need a vacation!
  12. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'm with everyone else, looking at that list makes me tired. Of course, so does looking at what I need to do at my own place, and that's a whole lot less to do. You're nicer than I am, I'd have stopped washing his clothes a long time ago. I might've had to post step by step directions on the machine as to how to do it, though.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am not joking. in my opinion your husband needs a dose of love and logic from you. List the chores. Tell him which ones are his half of the responsibilities. If he doesn't do them, DON'T YOU DARE DO THEM OR MAKE THE KIDS DO THEM. Hire someone to come do them. Tell husband that the $$ is coming out of his spending $$ or at least out of his $$ on top of what he pays for the bills. Then when she shows up, tell her to call him at X # when she is done with the list you leave her, that he will come and pay her then.

    If he refuses to pay her, or won't let her do the work? Pawn the tv and the Wii and use the $$ to pay her. If you each have your own computers, pawn his and keep yours locked up or at work. Ditto the cars/trucks. Disable them when you are not there by taking a part out. even if it is just spark plug wires or the battery. Take it out, lock it up, and put it back in when you want/need to use it.

    It is what L&L would have you do with an irresponsible child. in my opinion your husband acts incredibly irresponsibly in a lot of way. With my husband, at least when he wrecked a car by not changing the oil he was embarrassed, mad at himself, willing to work so that the next car did not have that problem, and he followed through for the most part. (With the car, anyway.) My husband still has a lot of irresponsibility in him, but he does apologize when he makes a mistake..
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Susie, that's pretty much where I'm at with him. And we're gonna have a sit down and discuss it when the truck gets done.

    I think y'alls suggestion to split chores is good. We're gonna touch on that, too.
  15. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I have not walked a mile in your shoes, so please feel free to disregard my advice...

    If you're like me you totally agree with Susie's advice - except when it comes to paying for somebody else to do the chores the family should be perfectly capable of handling themselves. I hate wasting money on stupid! (No offense Susie! It's not you, it's me - I'm cheap!)

    in my humble opinion, I think you need to re-prioritize some of these household tasks. One thing that jumped out at me from your day was the garbage run. Why did that have to happen right then? Was garbage collection the next day or something? Otherwise, that seems like a job that can be both pushed off to the weekend AND delegated to your husband. A lady like yourself shouldn't be lugging 50 gallon drums of trash around anyway.

    And why is folding the laundry your job? And why would your husband have dumped all the laundry on your bed? If he didn't feel like folding it, seems to me he could have just left it in the basket...

    Which brings me to my next suggestion: re-thinking laundry. Now I understand that you may want to still be "in charge" of the washer and dryer so they don't get ruined through mis-use...but folding should not be your problem. Each family member should have their own laundry basket (or two or three) and they should bring their own laundry to the laundry room. They don't bring it - it doesn't get washed! If they have some clothes that need bleach or to be washed "delicate" or some special thing - they can sort that out using their two or three baskets. You wash it, dry it (unless you can trust somebody to properly use the machines....or use them following your explicit directions)...and hand them back their basket of clean clothes to fold and put away. No more dumping on Mom's bed!

    In my house - everyone quickly learned to get their laundry to the laundry room by "laundry day" and have everything un-knotted and pockets emptied. It only took a couple weeks of having "nothing to wear" or losing something in the wash for this lesson to sink in....I expect your family would "get it" pretty quickly, too.

    And wherever possible, I think you should delegate most of the chores this way. You do what needs your special supervision and leave the rest to others...but don't wait for them to "notice" that it needs doing - assign it to them with a consequence for not getting it done. You need to focus your attention on the important things - like your work and taking care of your children - and let the little stuff (like garbage and laundry folding) go.

    Just my two cents...
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I did this... And now the kids do their own clothes. I'm not worried about the washer, honestly. What gets me is they freak at 9:00 PM because they need clothes for the next day (IF they remember then) and the laundry room is right outside my bedroom. They both just stuff ALL their stuff in together (LOL!)... Onyxx however likes to put in things like blankets, so the washer "walks". At 9:30 PM. Adrenaline from "WTH WAS THAT NOISE" is just NOT conducive to sleep...
  17. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    LOL! The way difficult child does dishes, I would never trust her with the washer! So I instituted the "nobody uses the machine but me" rule. If somebody missed laundry day - I tell them they can hand-wash whatever it is they need....or take it to the laundromat around the corner.
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    For the most part I am FAR too cheap to pay someone to do chores. The point with the scenario I lined out is to take the nagging, anger, etc... out of the parent's end of the situation. In this situation Shari as the parent and her husband is the child, for the sake of illustration. The facts are that the job needs to be done, that it is not the adult's job, that the adult does not need to nag, bark orders, or do anything else to get the job done. The child knows good and well that it is their responsibility and likely assumes that all ignoring the chore will result in is having the parent angry (big whoop), nag, and/or do something else the child will ignore.

    By only telling the child one time (not per day, week, hour, etc... ONE TIME) that it is their job to do the chore, the parent is treating the child like any normal rational person. In spite of what MANY so called experts tell us, our kids CAN remember things even if they are only told them one time. Our kids don't remember stuff because tehy do not HAVE TO. We remember for them. So that needs to stop. No where else will someone remind them to do things over and over. It only annoys the parent, much like teaching a cow to sing opera only annoys the teacher.

    If the child chooses to not do the chore (excuses are ignored as they are meaningless and usually untrue) then the chore still must be done. If the parent does the chore, the child is rewarded for not doing it. If the parent reminds again, nags, etc... the child is still quite certain that if they ignore it long enough the parent will go ahead and do it and it will not be a problem for the child.

    By hiring someone to come in and do the job, another factor is introduced. The worker will go to the child for payment (or will be told to do that). It is the real world consequence of hiring someone to do chores you will not do. Doesn't matter WHY you don't do the task, the person still must be paid. If the parent has to pay the worker, the child still owes the $$ because it is still the child's job to do the chore in whatever manner he chooses as long as it gets done. So when child has "no money" they go through what the rest of the world goes through. They have to sell stuff to get the $$. Pawning is an excellent way to do this with-o forcing the child to permanently part with anything. You learn how important the item is to your child when you do this. They have 90 days to earn the $$ to get their item back, plus another 30 day grace period where it is still held for them. This is the first form of credit we ever had, and it is a very good tool to help your child learn both to do what you say and the value of $$.

    With a minor child, the parent must pay if the child does not. This is understood. In Shari's case, her husband is not a child and can pay for htis himself. If he takes it out of the household budget/bill money instead of his beer money or fun money, then Shari needs to make sure that the bills are met by pawning his stuff.

    The entire exercise is NOT about paying someone to do it all the time. It is about getting Shari's husband to handle his responsibilities. If Shari does the work herself then her husband will expect her to always do it. It is no skin off of his nose. If he uses $$ out of the budget to pay the worker, Shari is punished because her husband refuses to take care of business. This is why she needs to pawn what is IMPORTANT to him. The computer and TV, and keep HER computer locked up. If I were her I would ahve separate bank accounts, but that is just me. It would be the way to keep him from using $$ I earned to get his stuff back with-o earning it.

    That is the reasoning behind my ideas. Not really my ideas - this is straight out of love and logic parenting. And it WORKS. Paying someone to do it is not a forever thing when used this way, unless the child is willing to permanently give up something he regularly spends discretionary dollars on. In which case if he wants to pay a house cleaner instead of buying a couple of cases of beer, I am ALL for it!
  19. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Unfortunately, I have ignored EVERYTHING in the hopes husband would step up. And NOTHING happened. For weeks on end. I finally couldn't stand it anymore.

    The list on the fridge worked for a while, then that stopped working. And if I ask, he might do something (might), but not without major griping and grumping.
  20. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    And I can't emphasize enough how NON PERFECT my standards are. THere is always dishes on the sink, a basket of laundry, stuff laying around...its not like the place is "neat"...but there's clutter, and then there's the hoarders show on TLC....and Ddh is perfectly content with the hoarders show...