He called and my heart melted....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Sep 4, 2012.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Gosh it is so much harder to take the tough stand when you hear their voice on the other end of the phone! When I asked him how he was doing he said he was "defeated". He went back to the program (which is about an hour away by car and I have no idea how he got there) and they told him they would not consider taking him back until he was in a drug tx prgoram for at least 30 days! Good for them!! So he was calling Occupational Therapist (OT) ask me what insurance would cover. I told him I didn't know he would have to call the insurance co.

    I also told him his dad had been laid off and that money was tight (he was shocked at that news) and so we could not consider paying for the progam at least until his dad got a job. (OK I totally wimped out on totally saying NO and being a hard a**). I told him to call me back in a couple of hours so I could give him the number of the guy I know where he is.

    I did talk to this friend (actually son of a close family friend) who was really helpful. I am going to give difficult child his number and let him give him a bit of guidance. He has been through all of this, serious drug addict, did time in prison etc. etc. all the worse of what our difficult children has done and he has turned his life around and is clean and sober and has been working in this area for quite a while. He knows the places out there. My difficult child will not be able to fool him like he fools me!!! And he is willing to kind of be the go between, help guide difficult child towards help without it being me who is saving him. If that makes sense.

    So at least I know he is alive and at least today is looking for help.

  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am glad he called. And I know why your heart melted.

    I am not sure if you want reassurance or advice or some tough love. So I will give you all three:

    1) He got in touch and knows what he SHOULD be doing
    2) I think you need to hold back and wait for him to ASK for real, concrete, specific help. I think you dodged the question beautifully. (and I am sorry your H has been laid off)
    3) I recall an OP where you were adamant that you were though jumping thru hoops to get him help. I remember some recognition about your son using "treatment" as a means to escape being homeless and nothing more. And that you sort of expected this.

    Put me in the class of "heart melters." been there done that. (BTWCTDT - "Been there will continue to to that" really) Every time I see even a spec of growth, humbleness, need for help from my difficult child-I can't look the other way because I wonder "what if THIS is the thing that will make the difference?"

    Take it slow, I know you are probably plotting out courses of action -- therapy, transportation, places, people, etc in your head. (BTWCTDT) Take it slow...

  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Sig - great advice.... and that is what I am going to do. I am kind of on pins and needles waiting for him to call me back... I am going to give him the friends number and let him take it from there. I agree in not offering any help unless he asks... and to tell the truth the call today he was not asking for me to do anything. They had told him I had a friend and I said if he called me back I would give him the number.

    I am not calling programs for him.....I am not calling the insurance co... I know he has to save himself this time. But oh my heart aches for him!!!! And I was doing well detaching until he called!!!!

    The therapist emailed me because she was the one he went to see.... I think her heart melted too and she said he looked really ragged!! Sigh.

  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    First of al I am glad he called you. Now count me in as a melted heart. Don't we all want to hear from our difficult child's that they are looking for help? Isn't that what we long to hear? I agree with Sig, gosh does she give good advice. I think you are doing the right thing by letting him do the work. I too worry that he just wants a roof over his head and am not sure which time will be the time he REALLY is serious, but this may be the time and for that we can hope and pray.

    I'm sorry your husband was laid off, I had no idea you were facing that too. I don't know how you keep going with everything. You must have excellent health coverage though because ours would have been exhausted after the first program. I hope he can get coverage for his detox.

    I know you have conflicted feelings but you know he is alive and at least for now he is looking for help.

  5. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    Okay, I'm melted too. Am so thankful he called. Really smart response...you are letting him do to legwork. Hopefully, he will be more invested.

    One big ole step forward! Sleep well tonight, my friend.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL, I think you did a wonderful job of keeping the boundaries secure while still keeping your heart open. This path is riddled with mine fields, as well as no markers, no clear cut paths, deep ditches to fall into, false signs along the way, hurricanes with lightning and thunder and the added oddity of it not being linear but upside down, sideways, backwards and inside out. But the single most challenging component is that you love him, we love our kids, and that means all bets are off, we simply put one foot in front of the other and do the best we can. Love melts our hearts, the rest we have to figure out with our brains. Sigh. You did good.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thank you all for your kind words and understanding. I am relieved he was threatening or crying but seemed to be trying to figure out solutions. I am a bit bummed he did not call back for me to give him my friends number....but maybe he is figuring something else out. I don't know... it is out of my hands and all I can do is answer the phone when he calls and give him the number. He may have hoped that I would have a ready solution for him and I didn't..... still has me worrying again but once again there is nothing I can do until he gets in touch.

    RE you describe this process well.....

    and I thought I had mentioned my husband was laid off... guess not. I told him tonight maybe its a good thing because it made it easier and clearer that we have to cut off paying for pgorams right now!!!! I think that is a good thing.
    Of course it will be even better when he finds another job!!!

  8. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    TL: I'm so glad that you heard from your son today, and you did a very good job of letting him handle his own problems. I know how hard it is to detach from our difficult child's, when all we really want to do is to help them and try to make everything better. I hope that this will really motivate your difficult child to find answers on his own, so that he can begin to take responsibility for his own recovery. Sending HUGS to you for more good news, and strength in the days ahead....
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I think we all melt. It is in our nature. And Nancy is right - that is exactly what we all want to hear!! Even after all my difficult child has put me through lately, if she called defeated and asked for help, I would still melt, too.

    But I firmly believe you need to let him do the work. You have already done so much for him...
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh, TL, I don't know how any mom can totally harden her heart towards their child. It would be so much easier on us if we could.

    I'm glad that he called and that you know that he is all right. It is a good sign that he is looking for help. Ironically, it is easier to say no when you have a good reason like your husband being laid off. My husband was laid off four years ago and even though he is now working as a part-time teacher, our income is a fraction of what it used to be. It does make it easier to say no when you really can't afford it.
  11. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I am glad that he called you and wants to find help.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    So he hasnt called me back for the number of my friend. Somehow he did post something on fb though...so he is ok but i am not sure how serious he is about help! At least i know he is alive ane surviving and he knows he can call me collect....but i am going to try and detach again and enjoy my life until the next call.

    thanks everyone for your responses. It means so much to me to have people who really understand!

  13. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Goodness...I think my heart would skip a beat or TWO if I were you and heard that phone ring! Deep breathes...

    I truly hope you are able to hold on to faith and let go.
    And...I truly hope your difficult child will ask for the friends number. He sounds like a wonderful resource and "go between".

    Hang in there,
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks LMS.....yes every time the phone rings my heart jumps. There was an election here yesterday so we were getting all these political calls so my heart was jumping a lot! But i am hanging in there, not much else i can do.