Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by guest3, Aug 20, 2007.
I am not sure what to think.
I think that you should call DYFS and report him. You might not figure out right away where he is, but if he isn't where he's supposed to be, they will hold him accountable for both infractions.
You might want to put a forward on your mail to a trusted friend or neighbor, too.
First, I'd get a permanent restraining order. That he would come into your home like that just seems to be asking for trouble. And I agree, contact DYFS. The last thing you want is for them to think you condone him coming in after hurting your children.
I second, third and fourth what everyone is saying. Get the restraining order. Get it now. Read what people are saying on that other board I gave you. Your husband blatantly disobeyed instructions for officials. Its time to play hardball.
Do not delay! He could very well be trying to catch you in something...
If you had a permanent restraining order than all you would do is call the police and tell them he has violated his court order and they would remove him! Can you do that now?
Please, I hope, you and the kids are with your mom tonight until this blows over. I am very sure he is going to try and weasel back into your life as if nothing has happened.
Keep us posted........
I just re-read your post.
Everyone here answered a question that you did not ask, and that speaks volumes about where you are mentally right now.
You are wondering if he is even going to rehab or not. At this point, the fact that he blatantly showed up and defied a court order is enough for you not to worry whether he goes to rehab or not.
Going to rehab is one of many steps that he would take if he were trying to make a go at a healthy relationship. Another step would be having his mother call you and meet you to pick up some articles. Since he is NOT using those steps, he is not playing by the rules. He feels there are no rules, or that he does not have to follow them.
He is rampad in his addiction right now, and addicts think of themselves only. He could have taken off with your sons!
The right thing to do is rarely the easy thing to do.
Please, please, please, find a safe place for yourself and your kids.....don't let him near your family, which includes your parents too....he probably knows right where you are and if he can snow his mom into saying one "last goodbye" he will be in control......GO THRU with RESTRAINING ORDER......please.....it will be easier to cancel if you are wrong, but don't think you are wrong..... SAFETY is your utmost concern......please I hope I am wrong, but don't take that chance....
semi false alarm
difficult child I is fully awake now and it turns out d/h did not come in the house, only his Mom did. And difficult child I brought the mail in. I think it's time to take difficult child I for another drug test! He fell off the couch while he was sleeping and hit his head on the coffee table and never woke up!
I still have not heard if d/h checked into rehab or not. Waiting to hear back from his Mom. I feel better that he did not come in the house.
Well, it's not as bad as you thought, but still, his mother should have called to make arrangements. Did he still take his own car? Is he allowed to drive?
Yes, it does sound like difficult child needs a drug test if he fell off the couch, and hit his head hard and didn't wake up.
Boy, if it's not one thing, it's another!
Sounds like a permanent restraining order is still the way to go. Good luck.
Change your locks. NO ONE should have access to your home and children without your foreknowledge and permission.
Stay Strong and DO NOT allow him to manipulate you. I agree with the others, file the restraining order!
Let the guilt being...........
Spoke to d/h's Mom and got the deluxe guilt treatment. Complete with "You two were just not meant to be together"
And D/H needs to know if he needs a lawyer because I pressed charges (which I didn't the judge did). And then my Mom n law reminds me what a shame it will be if d/h loses his job because he won't have $ to give me for the kids. She also tells me d/h plans on staying here after we leave. $1650.00 per month and 3 bedrooms why would he stay here? Makes me mad when we're cramming into my parents bi-level.
not once did she say d/h was sorry, and of course he told her he was only drinking during his Dad's illness, which is not true. So it sounds like she'll be taking my place as his co-dependant. So sad.
Arrrgh! His mom is a beast. A real enabler. Totally aligned with-him against you.
She's history. Bye-bye, m-i-l.
Tell her you really should not be talking to her about this. Don't lose sight of the fact that HAD HE NOT BEEN DRINKING AND BLOWING OFF WORK his job would not be in jeopardy.
Nobody is holding a gun to his head and making him keep that house. When the time comes that he realizes that he cannot play the sympathy card with you, he will more than likely sell. Or who knows? the judge may order him to pay the mortgage while you and your precious boys live there. (well we can dream, right?)
If he DOES lose his job, and CAN'T give you money for the boys, he can join MY dex in the steel hotel.
I hear that you are mad fro cramming into mom & dad's place. Lots of things are going to make you mad. Get mad at him! That is good; it is one of the steps of grieving.
And as far as I am concerned, he & his mom deserve eachother right now.
Now. Take everyone's advice and get that restraining order. Hit your meetings and detach. Be there for your kids and be strong enough to draw boundaries to your parents. This is a long process, but many of us have been there.
I don't know how it works in NJ, but in Ohio they won't consider a job loss for reasons such as his when figuring child support. They will compute child support based on what he is able to make. If he doesn't pay, it goes into arrearage and they will attach tax returns, etc. IOW, he doesn't get a free pass.
husband needs to find out for himself if needs a lawyer; he's a big boy. I'd tell mother in law to kiss my hiney.
thank you all for your words of advice. I have a call into my lawyer to find out how to formally request child support. My mother in law has always been "anti-christ-ish" it just stings now because I am raw. This place is a rental so at least there's no big assets in our life to worry about splitting, besides maybe the cars. My Mom is annoyed with me because I did not want her to come over tonight to help me pack. I feel bad, but I need to breathe, and once I move in to their house there will be no where to go to breathe (gasp)! I have already been looking for a place in their town (my old town) no luck yet, praying for a miracle b4 the moving truck arrives on Sat.
I'm assuming since you work part-time that husband carries the insurance on the kids and you? Make sure that isn't changed...he needs to carry you until the divorce is final, then you're eligible for COBRA if his employer employs 20 or more people. Make sure that he is responsible for providing the insurance on the kids in the divorce settlement.
Oh, and see if you can get your name off the lease. You don't want to be held financially responsible if he doesn't pay the rent. Make sure the landlord knows you've moved out.
The hardest thing when faced with this is that you have all these legal loose ends to tend to, and that is the last thing you want to do, because you are hurting. I know. But take it from the experienced, you are going to want to get these things taken care of so they don't bite you in the behind later.
~Let landlord know that you are moving. Get your name off the lease.
~Joint bank accounts? Get YOUR money out of them.
~Kids' accounts? Close them out, reopen them in another bank so that husband cannot access them.
~Talk to lawyer about an order of protection. Ask him about mandatory alcohol treatment for husband before he can visit children. Ask for supervised visitation.
~Let schools know that husband is not allowed to be there.
~ Get child support going ASAP. Make sure that him including the kids on his insurance is included.
This kinds of stuff bites. Big time. It is a necessary evil. It is called CYOA.
One last thing. If you cannot find alternate living arrangements before you move in with mom & dad, try to keep in mind that it is only temporary. And try very hard to remember that as much as they are trying to run things, they have your best interests at heart. Set your boundaries early and stand firm.
Your family is in my prayers.
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