He came!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Oct 25, 2011.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well, wow, huh? He came home from work early enough to shower and join me at the tdocs office.

    It was tense at times, but it was good. He was able to voice his concerns, I was able to vent my anger and frustrations and we were able to explore some ideas to help him have the conversation with his mom.

    My therapist kept asking me what my deepest fear was. First I answered that mother in law would end up living with us. She asked me a again and then I figured out what she was doing. Finally, I said it: "My biggest fear is that it will end us - I WILL leave" if his mother ends up living in the same house as us. She calmly turned to H and asked him if he heard what I was saying. He nodded yes. She asked him if he could envision his mom living with us and without skipping a beat he said, "No". Although he claims that he knows how to speak with his mother about this, therapist helped him develop different ways to begin the conversation. When I said I had concerns that he may not make it perfectly clear to her, that he may be ambiguous and vague, he just stared at me and then told therapist that he doesn't think that will be a problem. I still have my doubts - one thing almost everyone says about my H is that he doesn't make himself very clear when he's speaking!

    I stated that I felt like he was hiding information from me and that he's deliberatly putting off speaking with her. He denied that there were any secrets and he said he's been freaking out because he lost so much time and money with work over the summer due to his dad's illness and subsequent death that now he's scrambling to make up the lost money before winter hits. That is why he claims he's been putting off his flight to FL. He also said that he doesn't think his mom has enough income to last very long at the rates the assisted living charge. The therapist said, based on what we told her about mother in law's finances that she doesn't think money will be a huge issue. I told him he needs to tell me what he's thinking so I KNOW - this has been an ongoing issue. When H is stressed out he clams up and bucks up, 'takes it like a man', which leaves me in the dark wondering what the heck is going on.

    therapist reminded me that H is still grieving as well as dealing with all this added stress. She made him promise me that it will be all right. He did, and he hates contrived situations like that so I could tell he was peaved, hahaha. therapist then asked me to try and trust H to do what he needs to do but to be prepared so if he can't or won't, well, I know what I have to do. I could see that just added more stress to H, but oh well. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

    In the end, it was a good hour - could've used three - and we went out to dinner afterwards. I feel somewhat better now that we were able to get it all out in a safe place without the discussion deteriorating to silence, ugh. And now we'll see.

    Thanks for all the support and positive juju - much appreciated!
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, VERY good! What a great dialogue. I am so glad he showed up, and that he talked. There is always something about a (professional) 3rd party that validates what you've already said ... that you are afraid that if his mother moves in, you will move out and that will end the relationship. Saying it aloud in front of another person drives the point home.
    Fingers crossed for the next few weeks! And bravo to your husband.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    What a relief! You got to say what you had to say and he expressed himself too. I think that it was terrific to share a meal after the session to allow you both to exhale. I've got my fingers crossed that their will be peaceful resolution soon as this situation has dragged on so long. Many hugs. DDD
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    YAY! So happy for you that he showed up this week. Hopefully husband will remember to be CLEAR. :)
  5. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    That's great! Wonderful news.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So the CT/FL Peace Talks are a work in progress. Sounds like forward progress has been made. Lets hope we dont have to send in the UN...lol.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo, glad he went and you all were able to get some things out in a "safe" environment.

    You know, it is totally understandable that he is feeling loss and stress - especially if he fears his mother will run out of money and then it will fall on him to financially support her - perhaps that is why the "at home" was on the table rather than a place where he might have to ultimately pay for?

    I think you guys are in a good place if you follow through on being honest and open with each other.

  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I didn't say anything new or different at this session that I haven't already said at home, but, yes, it feels as if I have been legitimately heard (and there's a witness to same, lol) by H now. And ditto from him to me. Something about that 3rd person for sure. therapist asked, 'So, am I to be mediator or witness or ref?" lol. I said all three, please.

    Thanks always, now I hope we can continue outside of tdocs office what we started within. That's usually the tricky part with H. He talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk, and I know he's resentful towards me for laying it all on the line and basically forcing him to go with me to tdocs. But I'll deal with that if it shows itself.

    I am an optimist at heart so fingers crossed. For now, I'm just going to breathe and practice the serenity prayer.
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2011
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Keep on truckin', optimist!