He changed so quickly.

[BusynMember]

I've been here a LONG time and have been through a lot with myself, my daughter and my son and a foster child. Trust me, I know I'm a layperson. I'm not going to get into it with anyone, so I wish the original poster good luck and hope for an update

 

[dun4]

I'm keeping everyones' suggestions in mind. I plan on pushing the neuropsychologist with his psychiatrist this week. I am now very suspicious of drugs since hearing there are ones that don't show on tests. I feel like a spy. If he's in the bathroom to long, I find an excuse to go in right after him and search the bathroom. (Not always the most pleasant thing to do after a teen boy uses the facilities!) I'm sending him for his yearly physical this week and asking the doctor to keep an eye out for any signs of drug use and to do any additional tests he can do for drugs.

My difficult child was jumped by two brothers 16 & 19. The 19 keep threatening to damage his car to distract him. The 16 yr sucker punched him. My son was watching the older kid, heard the younger say something. As he turned to him, the kid punched him. Broke his nose in 2 places. Literally moved bones so far one nostral was totally blocked by bone. He also got whiplash. My son managed to get in his car, getting the door damaged in the process cause the 16 kept kicking it shut, and drove away. Of course he didn't call me, he called his friends. He was sitting in a grocery store parking lot a bloody mess, and thank god, some good samaritan called the police. I know it bothered my son a lot. He was embarrassed that he'd done nothing to defend himself and that the other kid went away unscathed. His flight response jumped in and got him out of there. Had he defended himself, I'm sure it would have been much worse. Two against one and they had police batons. The police showed no interest in the attack, assuming it was a planned fight I guess. I can't blame him for not thinking to highly of the police department after that. He was also bullied from 2 - 6th grade, and the school would do nothing. He makes a lot of comments now about being tired of being bullied, and having to take sh** from people.

I talked to him about huffing. He says he's never done it, doesn't want to die. He explained about the heavy gases filling your lungs. At least I know he understands the risks involved. Whether they'd stop him or not, I don't know. He admits to smoking a lot of pot during the month I know he was into it. Also said he's done mushrooms. Swear's he never sold any drugs, but people would call him cause he could refer them to a source. He'd get a finder fee or marijuana. I told him I still considered that dealing. Hhe was helping kids find drugs, and it's wrong! He didn't agree of course.

I know he's drinking, but I haven't caught him noticeably drunk yet or smelled it on him. I've had 6 beers I took out of his car 2 weeks ago sitting in plain view in the garage. All he's said is the kid that bought it would like them back. I said "to bad", and they're still sitting there. I guess their not that big a temptation.

Right now I'm just going to push for more testing. Hopefully his doctors will figure something more definite out with more time. Hope, hope.

 

[BusynMember]

My ex-drug using daughter says "If you use, you sell." They are one and the same. If your son admitted to pot and mushrooms, they don't usually admit to the worst.

Over the counter drugs can be just as badly abused as illicit drugs. Also, your son knows a lot about huffing...more than I did. Sadly, you may never know what he's doing. We had no clue the extreme my daughter had taken her drug use. All we knew was "pot." She told us after she quit.

I wish you luck in finding out what's wrong. Kids who use drugs tend to have had issues in their childhood and are often insecure (my daughter was extremely shy). I didn't even get suspicious when suddenly she was the most popular girl on the block, with the phone ringing all the time and kids just flocking to our house. I thought, "Oh, good! She has friends finally!" Ugh. They all seemed so polite too. Last time she checked up on them by checking Facebook and MySpace all except for one were either in jail, going to jail, or on probation. It's scary.

My motto is "Better to be Safe than Sorry."

 

[susiestar]

He sure did have a rough time. That assault sounds horrific! I would have an attitude that I wasn't going to take carap from anybody ever again also. It does make me wonder if he has suddenly bulked up muscle-wise. He may have dabbled in steroids, which would definitely made him angry and irritable. (You can tell him they also make your nuts shrink and make your "little swimmers shoot blanks" as one health teacher so eloquently described it)

It may be that he just is having a hard time. I tend to think he is still using at least pot. Hopefully you can find a way for him to learn how to deal with the issues from the assault and the loss of his child (even if it was a lie, to him it was a baby and that is ALL that matters).

Having the doctor do testing is good, same for having the doctor speak to him about steroids and other things that he might be at risk for. Most docs are pretty good about that kind of thing.

Sending lots of hugs to you both.

 

[Marguerite]

Steroids are a definite possibility - he might be determined tat nobody ever is gonig to beat him up again without him at least getting a chance to leave his own mark on them.

I do think he must have some level of PTDS after it, added to a sense of guilt and shame for not fighting back. But I think you're right - it was a good thing for all that he didn't. I don't think he would be any better off.

The long-term bullying could well be a factor - it may have followed on from it (some kids never grow up and will keep tatgetting those who they feel they can successfully degrade, in order to make themselves feel less beaten-down) or it could be cionnected to drug deals/favours he was doing re drug supply. Or it could have been another 'dealer' objecting to your son's trading leading to competition. Or - who knows? The result is not good.

As for the kid who owns the beers you took out of his car - I would tell your son to let the owner know that he can come collect the beers, as long as he brings his parents with him (as they will be legal adults, you won't be passing the beers over to someone under age). That way you won't be able to be acused of holding on to somone else's property, plus you will get a better idea of who your son has been drinking illicitly with.

All information is valuable.

Marg

 

[dun4]

Here's my latest update. difficult child's pdr has started more intensive testing that he said would be needed by a neuropsychologist. This testing will be more indicative of any problems. He says doing brain scans to look for brain damage isn't needed right now. Said if there was ongoing damage we'd have known by now.

Two weeks ago difficult child was having a bad time. I could tell he was bothered but when I tried to talk to him, I was told to f... off! I think he broke up with his girlfriend for the third time. He went drinking, got busted, was so mouthy with the cop that he got thrown in juvie. He's now on supervised probation, maybe that will help keep him inline. He was his old self last week. It was great!

I had a woman I haven't talked to in 14 months, call me on Monday because she'd heard who difficult child was dating and she wanted to warn me that it wasn't a good girl. She told me some horrible things about the girl. This girl is about 18 months older than my son. She's already 18. She already has a 12 month old daughter, but she doesn't have custody. My son doesn't know the circumstances. (This I'd already known.) She went on to tell me the girl cheats on her boyfriends, had her last boyfriend beat up so bad he required hospitalization, and she's stealing from her baby's paternal grandmother. I was so pleased my son had broken up with this girl! Tuesday he comes in and tells me he's back with her. Today he came in and handed me ultrasound pictures and tells me she's 20 weeks pregnant with his kid. He's back with her and back to being volatile and nasty. He was fine with his classes, now today he can't stand one of them and wants out. I pray the baby's not his, but then I'm scared how he'll handle it, if it ends up not being his. With what I've heard of this girl, I'm afraid she may be working him. They weren't even dating when this baby was conceived, but my son says they'd had protected sex before they became exclusive. This girl is 18 has a kid and she still hasn't learned about birth control! She doesn't have custody of her first child. My son says the state will give her custody when the mother graduates high school. I told him bull! The state won't take a child from the mother because she hasn't graduated. This could be the mother of his child he should want to know why she doesn't have her first child. He believes whatever she says. Now I'm wondering how much she may be messing with his head. She's been in the picture since May. I hope we can figure out what's happening with him before this baby's born.

 

[Marguerite]

How sure is he that it's his child? Visions of poor Alfie in England come to mind, beibg conned by an older girl because she was going to get more out of it, claiming he was the father.

If he's being nasty, that is not good. He needs to learn how to get on with people, if he is ever going to make it as a provider to a child. Is there any way he can be made to understand the need to work WITH people for the sake of a child?

Oh dear... I can understand your concerns. NOT good.

Marg

 

[dun4]

I went thru this with my older son. He became a father at eighteen, 3 months after graduating. With him I always thought he was the father, tho I hoped he wasn't. In this case, I'm thinking he's not the father. We'll have to wait until the baby's born and get a paternity test. I require it. I've told my son to keep the door open to the possibility that the baby isn't his. He's agreed to the paternity test, but get's defensive if I say something negative about the girl. He thinks he's in love. I think he's being manipulated. Also wonder, how much this girl's contributed to our problems at home by playing brain games on difficult child. This will certainly become a major topic in our counseling sessions.

 

[Marguerite]

Something for you to quietly talk over with the therapist - WHY is it so important for difficult child to feel he's the father? WHat is in it for him? because most boys his age would run a mile rather than accept responsibility.

I suspect she knows that and knows that difficult child is the type who WANTS to be a father. So why? WHat is it she is giving him, that you are not? (and I don't mean sex!)

Something in his head is getting fed here (junk food, admittedly). If you can find out what it is and provide your own alternative source, then maybe you can wean him off her.

Marg