He decided to go on the lamb


Hi All,

Just shared a few days ago that my son decided not to show up for a court hearing. He now has a warrant out for his arrest. Since my dear ex-hubby and I decided to pay for legal help his felony was reduced to a misdemeanor a few months back, so he wont be picked up until he does something wrong and gets caught.

Here"s the crazy thing. My ex and I told him we would help him out until this last trial date. Since he didn't show up to court we stopped. He called today and told me that he bought a motorcycle and he had gone down to San Diego and was living in some house with some really nice people. He told me he would never consider giving himself up, and he was going to live the rest of his life underground. Guess that means I'm off the hook, right?

Don't know how he got a wad of money. Figure its either drugs or stealing. It's all lies anyway.

That's it. I'm done.

Going to my first Coda meeting tomorrow. Can't wait.

Thank you all for your support during this ridiculously challenging time. I'm convinced that there has to be a reason for this. I just need to find out what it is. And I will.


Well-Known Member

I am so sorry.

This may not make you feel better, but these forum posts make me remember things I had long ago buried. The FIRST time my Difficult Child had a court date was because of an unpaid speeding ticket in the southern part of the state. husband and I insisted he go. We drove him there; Difficult Child was totally not interested. Judge said $250 or three days in jail. Guess what husband and I put on a credit card.

Makes me cringe.

The next time, we knew Difficult Child had court..... We showed up, and Difficult Child did not. Surprise, surprise. husband called Difficult Child and asked where he was. He had "forgotten" all about it. We drove the five miles to pick him up. He had a black eye from an altercation with one of the guys with whom he was staying. We got him to court, but I do not remember what happened next.

So, for all my bragging about not paying bail, etc.----husband and i started out being really clueless (stupid in our case). We did not understand our son at all.

My point? We do not understand. We just do not. And, getting involved is useless, based totally on my experience. Fifteen years later, we have reasons that we have surmised, but no concrete reasons.



Well-Known Member
You and your ex pony up money to get him legal help. The attorney successfully reduces his charges to a misdemeanor and he thanks you by thumbing his nose at you by absconding. And then he flaunts it to you by saying this:
He told me he would never consider giving himself up, and he was going to live the rest of his life underground. Guess that means I'm off the hook, right?
I would get a tatoo. I would imprint his words on a Emergency Alert ID for my wrist.

I would say so. You are off the hook. At the very least, you are off the hook.

I know underneath the relief that you are out of it, there is hurt. I am sorry.


Well-Known Member
Nat, I'm so sorry. We're in much the same position, except that our son's charge is a municipal misdemeanor. I worked out a plea bargain to an SIS, 40 hours of community service and costs, 2 years unsupervised probation. (I'm an attorney.) He didn't even have to pay for the community service. I worked that out so that he could do it for my church and simply get a letter of completion.

When he left to go to his girlfriend's, he said he was never coming back. To our knowledge he hasn't gotten a warrant - yet. But he will have. My husband is a mandatory reporter, working for Department of Corrections. If we know there is a warrant, he will have to call the police if he ever returns home.

I told him, if he ever wants to face things, likely the court will not make him serve much, if any, time. But the longer he is gone, the more likely it is he'll have jail time.

That he'd rather leave forever than face something less than 1 year in jail for a misdemeanor, is so awful. Mine left rather than work for 40 hours after which it would be like it never happened... I will never, ever, understand it.


Well-Known Member
Still reading about addiction, a very sad issue. Parents are claiming that nothing helped until they stopped. This also helps mentally ill adult children get help. They finally agree when the parents cut off the money and the rescue. It's not just spoken on this site, folks.