He Did It Again

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by babyblue31, Jun 4, 2008.

  1. babyblue31

    babyblue31 New Member

    I can't believe it he only went to work for 2 days.... And this morning he didn't go. The rent is due actually over due.. He makes 580.00 a week and rents 525.00 don't know what we are going to do.. Next weeks cable, phone, and insurence.. I don't know.. I feel like just giving up, but the only thing that keeps going is my difficult child .. I thouhgt about going back home, but don't know how I would get all my stuff there.. And I don't know if I can deal with another failed relationship.. So I'm really stressed out right now.. I got alot to think about, but the more I think about it the more stressed I get... I feel like I am going to lose it.. Thank God you guys are here.....
  2. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Blue, the more and more of your postings I get it really sounds to me that you got into this relationship way too soon after being widowed.

    As I said, grief work is WORK and it takes time. Your SO has made it quite clear that he cannot support you.

    You really have no choice but to look for other sources of support such as Public Aid, Energy Assistance, and you will need to cut back no all necessities.

    Cable TV is not a necessity. Internet access is available at nearly all public libraries.

    If it makes you feel any better, and it probably doesn't; it is VERY common for widow/ers, especially the young ones, to fall into the goody trap of the first "good offer' when they are at such a vulnerable time in their one healing.

    Remember, that first year is the one where you are encased in numbness to a degree.

    Start planning your future now: who you want to be, how to get there, all of that.

    The second year can be harder.

    Also remember that while Kuebler-Ross may have written about 5 stages of grieving, she got a few things wrong. There is NO timetable for grief. It's not like being an alcoholic and "working the steps".

    Raw grief will overwhelm you, sometimes years later and for what seems to be the most ridiculous reasons. It'll happen even if you are in the perfect new relationship and that is perfectly normal.

    Have you had any luck with setting up local counselling or finding a grief support group (perhaps through Hospice in your area)?
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Honey, one thing worse than having anotherfailed relationship...is continuing to live in a failed relationship. You deserve a partner, not another difficult child.

    Take the rent money, get a uhaul, and go home.

    And ditto everything GN said. She's smart.
  4. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Yep, time to get rid of the baggage. He's not your responsibility. He needs to grow up.
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I vote for you taking difficult child and going home - even if you have to leave everything behind. The uncertainty that your boyfriend has brought into your life is so bad for you and your son. I bet part of your son's behavior is that there is so much stress in the house because boyfriend is not taking responsibility seriously. He doesn't seem to be trying hard enough to make this work. A mature 28 yr old would be much more committed to getting out of and staying out of debt. Even if you do not talk about the financial stresses, your son can pick up on your stress and that stresses him.

    Do you have friends back home? You can make some by getting involved in non-profit organizations. When your son starts school, get involved with PTL. Look for a program called "Early Childhood Family Education". This has various classes for kids birth through Kindergarten that you and difficult child can attend together. You get to spend some time playing with difficult child and then some time with parents discussing various issues. I made lots of friends with kids my kids age by going through that program (I believe it may be through a public school system).

    If you belong to a church, start joining some of their events - you can often take children with - most churches try to provide family orientated programs.

    Check into headstart for your son and while he is at school, you can look for a job or even volunteer somewhere to increase your skills or just to meet people.

    Visit a playground often - maybe you can meet a new friend there. Asking for parenting advise is an easy way to start a conversation, "Oh my, I see my son is trying to budge in line, do you have any suggestions on how I can teach him to take turns?"

    Can you move into your parent's for awhile? I would leave all stuff behind (except the very precious items) and start anew. If you can stay with parents long enough to get on assistance and then find a small apartment I think you will feel better - leave the old behind and start everything new!

    You need to focus on yourself and difficult child for now. A boyfriend is too much work. Get your lives under control before worrying about having a boyfriend.
  6. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I also was wondering when your husband passed away? It sounds like you need to heal 1st b4 moving into a new relationship.
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

  8. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    He's failing the relationship, not you. You can't expect another to change, so you need to take matters into your own hands.

    I have one difficult child, I can't imagine my S.O. being one as well.
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Maybe I'm misreading the "hot shower" post, but my understanding is that Babyblue and her difficult child's father were separated for quite a while before he died?

    It sounds more like you may be grieving "what might have been."

    For your son's sake, it's time to move forward.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Baby Blue,

    You didn't respond to my reply to your post asking if we ever felt like we didn't matter. I took a long time to write to you, but I meant what I wrote.

    You HAVE a family that loves you and apparently can help you financially. Call your dad (collect) and ask him for money for 2 bus tickets and GET yourself somewhere that you can get help.

    We're all sympathetic to what is going on in your life - really. A lot of us have been there. But eventually YOU are going to HAVE to see that the only one that can change these things in your life that bother you and you post about is YOU -

    He didn't pay the rent again - HE only worked 2 days again - the rent is due EVERY month and he has a pattern of NOT being reliable so why put yourself and your kid through this every MONTH?

    The definition of insanity is doing the same flawed thing over and over and expecting a different result every time. And you are expecting HIM to do something different OVER and OVER - and he's not going to do it.

    I don't know if this relationship is worth all the energy you seem to be putting into it - but when it's only YOU over and over that is trying, at some point you have got to ask yourself "WHY AM I STILL HERE?"

    You are not going to change him. If he is going to change - he would do it. He would HAVE the rent money and YOU wouldn't be stressed out about it.

    Seriously GO HOME - stop trying to prove to yourself that THIS IS the relationship that you will SHOW everyone the YOU will make work. It takes 2 to make a loving relationship work - and the only one that is sending out love here is you. Call your Dad - pack a few things- things are only things - you can replace EVERYTHING you have later = take what is important to you - leave him a note and GO HOME.

    You have that option. Staying to prove to everyone that you WILL make something work that won't is killing you. I told you before I know. I hope you will take this advice and do something for yourself.

    Loads of hugs....
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with the others about learning to stand on your own two feet as a single parent and mom right now. Obviously your boyfriend isnt up to stepping up to the plate at this time. This isnt your failing and it may not be his...its just not the right time and combination of people at this particular place and time.

    You have the choice of either going back to your home and family or finding services where you are to enable you to stay there. If you have more support back with your friends and family, that is what I would do. Go home and get yourself grounded again. Get healthy, get your son situated in a good school/day care situation and find a job you can do that will support you both. Eventually you will find someone who will fit into your lives nicely but you dont have to be in any rush.
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I have to agree with the others. Go home. Heal your hurting heart. Start your life over. Get yourself in a position where you don't have to depend on anyone financially. Go back to school if that's what you need to do.
  13. babyblue31

    babyblue31 New Member

    I want to thank all of you for advice. I do take it to heart... thank all of u.. I want to address something.. Just because me and my difficult child father was separated from sometime that doesn't mean that we didn't have a bond, And that I didn't still have feelings for him. I'm not grieving for what might have been. I'm grieving for the person he was, for who and what he left behind, and for my difficult child, He don't understand what death is, He doesn't realize that his daddy isn't around anymore.. Althrough I have tried to explain it, He's only 4 and he was only 3 when it happened... I hope you all understand where I'm coming from, I just don't belive that it's good advice to tell someone it's time to move on for the sake of there difficult child... I don't let my greif show in front of my difficult child, But I have the right to grive as long as it takes... Thank you all.....
  14. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member

    Baby Blue,

    I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. I do not normally offer advice on these types of matters...but it does sound like you and difficult child would be best right now living without boyfriend.

    I do not believe for one second that this is a relationship that you need to feel you failed at. There in a lot of strength in being able to walk away from a situation than to stay it in.

    I believe in you. I know that you can do it. Many here have given great suggestions on alternatives and ways to find help.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you clarity and peace in dealing with the situation.
  15. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey! Ok, I agree with everyone else but I'm going to take it one step further.

    I truly am sorry about you and the one true love that passed. I agree just because you were seperated, doesn't mean that you didn't love him. But let me ask you this:

    Is this current man in your life the example that you want your difficult child son to learn from?

    It's been my experience that difficult child's are EXTREMELY impressionable. Do you want him to have the future that this guy has, or do you want him to never see the troubles that you're going through now with this clown (I'm sorry, but if the rent is due and you can't get your butt out of bed for more than 2 days you're one of 2 things - suffering from depression or too lazy to get you :censored2: out of bed).

    GO HOME!!!

    Mourn, grieve, be angry, get counseling, go on an antidepressant, get services for your son and get counseling for you so you can move on and get rid of your neck pain (which sounds directly related to the pain in the neck that's laying in bed right now instead of going to work).

    Sometimes death can be a kick start to someone else's life. He may be sitting on a cloud telling you "to live life and raise our boy the way I know you can". You can't hear it unless you're listening.

    Look forward to what difficult child can be. I don't think he's going to have the opportunities that life presents if the best example is the person that you're currently connected with.

    I'm sorry babyblue if I seem mean, but I'm really worried about you staying in the situation that you're in. It's dangerous and ugly and I can't stand to think of a sad mom and a 4 year old in the circumstances that you're in!

    Let us know what you decide!

  16. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I was widowed and despite "knowing" I should not make any big decisions in the 1st year I got involved with a guy with 4 small children and thank God he had the sense to break up with me after a couple of months of an intense relationship. Looking back I can see that I was lonely, scared, and just wanted someone to love again but he was totally the wrong guy for me. My kids all knew he was not right for our family and they were so relieved when we broke up. I would have been miserable with him--he was a difficult child in his own right.

    I agree with the others--go home--this was too quick and he is only adding to your stress levels. You are still grieving and that is okay but another man is not going to fix anything. You need time to grieve your relationship with your husband before moving on.

  17. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I don't think anyone is saying you're grieving in front of your son or its a bad thing. I think they are suggesting that your choices right now (as in living with boyfriend who doesn't sound like the kinda guy you really want and need) might be somewhat skewed by the fact that you haven't gotten over your difficult child's father's death, which is entirely understandable. When something that major and traumatic happens to you, it has a major impact on your WHOLE life...your thoughts, feelings, choices, emotions....everything is impacted. No one is telling you to move forward for difficult child's sake, I think, instead, they're suggesting you get in a position that you can move forward with life. Period. Even if you don't actively grieve in front of difficult child, they're are suggesting that your choices and actions may be impacted by unresolved grief, and that is affecting your difficult child.
    It appears from what you post that your boyfriend is dragging you down, and unless you want to be living this same life in 5 years/10 years however long, YOU are the one that needs to do something so difficult child AND YOU will have a better life in the future.
    My DEX was much like your boyfriend. I could have lived with him forever. Frankly, I loved him. I still care for him and worry about his health and future. But he is not a husband or father. And I didn't want my son raised thinking that was the kinda person a husband and father was; I didn't want to watch my son, in the future, treat his wife and kids the way DEX did. Yeah, sure, he didn't beat anybody, but he slept 16 hours a day, only getting up to go to work SOMETIMES. He NEVER helped with ANYTHING around the house and didn't contribute to the family budget - I paid for everything if I wanted it paid (including rent and utilities). I deserved better. difficult child deserved a better role model (and NONE is better than that). And YOU, my dear, deserve better, too.
    Sending many gentle hugs. Loss is so hard. Heck, there's even days for me during that first year that even just driving was hard.
  18. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I can't add anymore than what has been said, which is excellent advice.

    I do know that it is harder done than said. There is a certain sense of embarrassement in it all, but that will pass as you move on to a better future.


  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    In all families there are different types of people. First off, no one is going to tell you I'm the nice one. I'm not the nice one. I'm the blunt one. There are others who are the nice ones, and from what I can see each and every one has told you that it's time to move on for your son's sake. They said it nicely and you didn't hear it. That's where I come in.

    My point about when you and your ex broke up wasn't about whether or not you should grieve, it's that people keep saying "maybe you moved on to a new relationship too soon after he died", when in fact you had already moved on to a new relationship before he died, so that advice isn't really pertinent.

    As parents, we don't have the luxury of getting stuck in our own problems when our children are having problems of their own, or even when they are not. The stability of their lives always have to come first and foremost.

    While you may not be in ashes and sackcloth in front of your son, you are living in a house where the utilities are being turned off one by one. Your son sees this.

    You have a boyfriend who barely works. Is he up and taking care of your child and participating in household chores and parenting, or is he sleeping all day and coming and going as he pleases? Your son sees this and any disagreements the two of you have about this.

    If you are having so much pain that you are unable to keep a regular schedule with him and he is in danger when you are sleeping, you need to be more stringent with yourself or you need help. It seems your boyfriend isn't going to give it to you. I assume that since your father is sending you money he would help you. I can understand your not wanting to go to your parents, no one wants to admit that they still need their parent's help. But this isn't about you, it's about your son. You need to move on from this boyfriend and this lifestyle for your son's sake.

    You don't want to go home to your family because you don't want to leave your "stuff". Your son has to come before "your stuff". On the other hand, if you can't feed your child or pay your rent or your bills and you don't want to move in with your parents, it's probably time to sell the xbox 360, and the games, and the 50" television set, and go without luxuries like cable television. I get it that you use the cable for your internet connection, but since you don't have a phone that you can use for potential jobs, that seems like a luxury. It's time to have a yard sale or sell it on Craigslist and kick the freeloader out.

    You have gotten some very good advice here as to where to get help, and how to do it online since your phone got cut off. Have you done any of those things yet?

    Have you sat down and made a schedule that is appropriate to your household so that your son won't be unsupervised? You know, one of our member's 4 year old grandson took off one morning while mom was sleeping and was found wandering on the street. Thankfully, someone honest found him and called the police. He's in foster care now. It could have turned out a lot worse. I'm sorry to say that if your son goes wandering while you're asleep and they bring him home to a house without basic utilities they won't be leaving him with you. What are you doing about this? He's four years old. You're in your 30's, it's up to you.

    We all get that you are sad and frustrated. You also need to understand that in a place like this you don't hold the patent on it. I can't see what your son is doing that isn't what any other un- or under-supervised under-disciplined 4 year old does. You are the one that needs help to find out how to give him stability. If he has no mental/emotional problems, he needs stability. If he does, he needs more stability. You won't be the first or the last mom who had to put herself second.

    If you're here just to complain, that's fine too. But you need to understand that some of us will feel a need to point out to you that you aren't taking anyone's advice to make anything better for your son, and that the first person that things have to get better for is your son, not you, because that's the burden we take on when we become parents.

    Finally, in my humble opinion, I have real doubts as to who you are. My gut feeling about the way your write and the things that you write are that you aren't who you say you are at all. You are pushing buttons to see if you can get an online group into a flame-war. Maybe I'm wrong and I know you will never admit it and that I will never believe you that you aren't what I think. But the inability to spell a word the same way from one sentence to another, the beginning with no punctuation at all, the starting with how poor you are and then gradually bringing up that you have a 50" television seems like you are trying to disguise who you are and to get a rise out of us. And I am not going to pass up this opportunity to point out that whether you are real or not the story that you are telling is more about what is wrong with the way you behave than the way your son behaves.

    I'm sure one of the nice ones will tell you I'm not trying to be mean. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm being honest about a potential four year old in trouble whose mother is more interested in her stuff and how she will look if she has another failed relationship than in swallowing her pride and doing what she has to in order to make life better for him.
  20. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey Witz! That's so funny that you're also considered the one in your family that speaks their mind! I knew we got along for a reason! That's why 3 of my sisters and my brother are mad at me, because I told them all that they are out of line for being cruel to my 4th sister! No loss in my book!

    You made some REALLY great points and I can't agree with you more!