He found his birthfamily. No wonder we don't count.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Dec 26, 2008.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son, who we adopted from Hong Kong at age almost 6, dumped us three years ago without explanation. And he isn't interested in reconnecting. For those who think I should sit down and talk to him, he won't, so there isn't any way to change this.
    The other day I was feeling nostalgic and wanted to look at his facebook. I saw his two biological sisters listed as "friends." I knew about them because I'd written to his birthmother when he was very little and, for some reason, terrified that his birthmother had died in a car accident. Trust me, back then there was no internet and it was odd that I actually did find her in Hong Kong. She could write back to me too because everyone knows English, even though most of here in OUR country aren't bilinguil. I figured he'd search one day as he never acted like he felt he fit in to our family, although he was very well behaved and sweet. Then he found his wife and his cult-like church. Although his birth family are atheists, apparently that's all right. :laugh: Anyway, I remember the pictures of his half-sisters and one looked just like him. I also remember their names and they are both on his site. The one who looks like him so SO ADORABLE ;) She has to be about 22 now (he is 31). For those with adopted kids, most adopted kids don't dump their adoptive families when they search--my son must have other reasons as well, although he won't share them. I'm glad he found them. Of all my kids, he needed this the most. He had the address from when I wrote to his birthmother (I had given him all the letters) and he has plenty of money so he could travel to Hong Kong. Heck, he can travel all the time if he wants.
    Ok, so it does hurt a little:(. But (sigh) at least it's an explanation.
    This year I sent him a Christmas card. He didn't send one to anybody. Nor has anyone seen him for a long time. He doesn't even call on the holidays.
    Just an update.
  2. Wishing

    Wishing New Member

    It may not be that he is rejecting you but that he feels he has your love and so that part of his world is ok and settled. With my son there are relatives that have given him gifts and want to hear from him and he doesn't make an effort because he concentrates on his life with his friends and having fun daily and doesn't think you need to replenish those relationships. I know in the future if my son (adopted)has a good job and if we aren't living in the same locale and his needs are met I probably won't hear from him unless he needs something at the time. I have to admit no matter what I would feel hurt but then it is important to do something special for myself to make up for what I have given him and not getting back. I have also thought if my son ever has a good job,a girlfriend or his own family and has a reasonble life I will thank God for all that.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think that's great that you have access to his Facebook. Obviously it is heartbreaking not to be able to share your life with him but you do know that he evidently is well. With the "cult-like religion" I was fearful that he was literally isolated from all except fellow believers. There is comfort in knowing that he is connected to others. Many hugs. DDD
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Hugs MWM}}} No matter the reason, the loss still hurts. I'm so sorry.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son isn't the type to be just doing life, ignoring his family. He is very meticulous and brilliant and everything he does is on purpose. He cut us out on purpose. I do still think it has something to do with his cult-like church, but he was having his own issues with us before that. It could also be that his half-sistsers are NOT atheists. His birthmother was, but she isn't on his Facebook. Also, I don't have access to his Facebook. He would never allow me to join. You can see anyone's friends on Facebook, and I recognized the girls (even though they were so young in the photos I saw so many years ago). I also remember their names. He had both of them there. And the little one looked exactly like him. There is no mistaking her identity at all. She always did look like him. I have to say, I have hardly ever seen such an adorable girl...lol. She isn't beautiful, but she is so CUTE and looks like she has so much personality, and so does my son. He just doesn't let us see it anymore.
    I have always encouraged my kids to search for their roots. I feel adopted kids need to know where they came from. I dont' believe that it doesn't interfer with their lives. This wouldn't bother me AT ALL except that he is connecting with them and refusing to even speak to us. I would love to ask him how it went to meet them, what they're like, if they're coming to the US and if we can meet them and hug them, but I don't bother. He will not sit with us. He won't talk to us. I think his wife is a big influence against us, and he, at 31, lets her influence him because it's what he wants to do. Oh, well.
    Just thought I'd share. We leave tomorrow to see my other two grown kids and my precious, adorable, lovebug grandson. Trust me, that sweet little face and smile makes up for everything. He is everyone's precious angel.
    So...hope you all had a Merry Christmas :) We have so far--visited other relatives on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day!!!
    I love you all. You are all so great.
  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, this must hurt so badly. He knows in his heart what a good mother you were to him. He must. If he's mad at you for some reason, or someone put some crazy ideas in his head,... not knowing why must be hard as well. Take comfort in the fact that he's succesful in his life, and you played a huge part in that. Don't ever forget that you're a good mother to him.-Alyssa
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, guys, for all the support.
    Naw, he doesn't know or think I was a good mom or he had a good family. He wanted an upscale, white collar, high achieving family with lots of toys. He is like that. We were a poor match as we are non-materialistic, blue collar, down home and not interested in toys. He also never really bonded, I don't think. I wouldn't advise anyone to adopt an older child...jmo, but it's not the same. The other kids can search and find their birthparents, and we're all for it, and we'd still stay close and strong. This is just another indication to me that this particular son felt out of place with us and I really do think we disappointed him from what my daughter has told me. They were once very close, but, yes, he dumped her too.
    My son is very different from us. Not only is he a near genius and very smart economically, but he is so religious that it borders on not being normal. He was 29 when he got married and he was a virgin. That's even unusual for women! He is judgemental of everyone. He thinks I'm bad because I lived with hub before I married. Heck, he thinks it's a sin that his dad and I divorced at all. Logically, it shouldn't hurt because we are so different that this was bound to happen. But in my mommy heart, I still love him. And I never expect him to come home. Usually I'm well over that. Sometimes I still have a pang.
  8. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Oh, MWM! This is a huge open sore for us. When I was trying to understand why difficult child 2 found it so easy to move in with other families (who always knew better than we did) his MSW told us that he had been working for quite some time with a professional couple who had adopted a newborn boy from a very empoverished family. When this boy turned 14 he asked to meet his bio family. The adoptive family obliged and the boy decided to move in with bio mom and siblings. That made me feel like a glorified baby sitter. MSW said that they had been a "bad match" and we were in the same situation because both difficult children had NO interest in education (husband was National Merit Scholar).

    I know of another situation where biomom decided to keep one twin and adopt the other out, the most cruel decision! Adoptive dad is a Maine legislator, his wife told me her son had started to threaten her. Last I heard, through my difficult child 1, this boy left home and is living with biotwin.

    Did your son cuddle with you when he was 6? Did he come to you for comfort when he got hurt? Did you feel good making it all better?
    We can only do the best we can and Fate will decide the rest. Where would your son be now if you hadn't been in the trenches fighting to give him a better life, a better education?

    You have known the sacrifices of a true parent, God willing, your son will see the light.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and thanks for the story. Well, S. doesn't want to live with them, I'm sure...lol. He could afford to move to Hong Kong, but he likes the good life of the US. I don't even know how it went. He is so into his church and his birthmom is an atheist. Like I said, she isn't on his list of friends, just the two girls.
    S. was a horrible match for us. My other adopted kids were all three wonderful matches, but not this one. And, no, he didn't cuddle or come to us for comfort or even really want me to do motherly things for him like help tie his shoe. He was very self-sufficient already and way older than his years. I always told ex that he would move to California one day and never see him again. Scary that it came true; for a while I felt he was trying really hard to move closer to us.
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Well, I'm glad he's connected with someone outside of his church. However, I'm sorry he still chooses to be such a jerk when it comes to the family that loved him, raised him, gave him the chance to be and do all the good things he now is.

    For you, many, many hugs. I can only imagine the pain of this rejection. At the same time, take some pride that you were the kind of mother that was willing to let her kids grow in the manner they felt was best for them. In many ways, you were and are the right parent for him. Without you, he probably would have been a much different person -- still cold to his family but afraid to spread his wings.

    Who knows? Maybe his sisters will insist on seeing you if they ever come to the U.S.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    (((hugs))) MWM that's got to hurt. No matter what his reason. You were still a good parent to him, you'd think he could at least acknowledge that much. If it weren't for you, he wouldn't be where he is now. No matter how brilliant he is. It's you who gave him that opportunity.

    I'm also wondering if this has been his plan all along. Hard to get into someone's head. But it makes me wonder if he'd planned to find a way to re-unite with his brithMom and family while still a kid, so didn't let himself truely get attached to you all, only pretending to.

    As for the cult church thing.....what he told you probably were just excuses so he can alienate himself from his American family while reforging the bonds with bio-family. I hate to be blunt.......but it sounds like to this kid, you've served your purpose, (and he's a success) and now he's finished with you all. Awful inconsiderate arse, if you ask me.

    I'm so sorry. I know it doesn't help the hurt, but at least you know the why of things now.

  12. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I'm sorry for the hurt, but it's good to at least have a partial answer isn't it? I would have never understood, the "good fit", "bad fit" thing if I hadn't lived it myself. It's real and the sad part is, that we don't really know how it will turn out, until it's already happened. It really is out of our hands. Another one of those, it is what it is kind of things that we just have to accept.

    I was ill on Christmas day, so did not go with my family to my parents home for dinner. I later heard that my difficult child was speaking to my mother, her grandma, about her birth mother. My difficult child was calling her birth mother, her mom. My mother stopped her and (defended me) and said "you mean your birth mother? Your mom is the one that raised you." My difficult child says, "no, I call both of them mom now. What can you do? Nothing. My mothering my difficult child was not a contest to win mother of the year or to out do her birth mother. There have been so many shocking experiences with my difficult child that nothing really surprises me anymore. I believe that with her................ anything and everything is possible and to always expect the fallout.

    Some folks are just a piece of work, aren't they?
  13. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    I too am sorry for your pain MWM. It does explain a few things. I hope you are able to move forward - you are a good mom.
  14. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I don't have any suggestions. I understand the "good/bad fit" part but that can happen with biofamilies since many sibs are very different from one another and can be very different from the bio parents who created them. In this case, it's a shame all the way around, regardless.

    Hold your head high. As Rob's sister's adoptive Mom told me once during our very dark times, "you may never know what positive impact you had in Rob's life"...

    ...and P, I can guarantee that your son would not have been successful had you not been in it.

  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks all.

  16. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am so glad you have some sort of new understanding about all of this. Knowledge does help to heal the pain.

  17. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    A difficult situation. Sorry for you and him.
  18. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    MWM, An answer of sorts I guess. Some people are takers and just use kind-hearted people until they no longer have a need for what those indivituals can offer. I am sorry for your pain and hope that you will be able to move past it. Your son is on a journey and maybe it will bring him right back to you and maybe it won't. No matter, you know that you did your very best for him. Find your peace in that. -RM
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks again. When this first happened it was devastating. It's truly not anymore. I realize that being adopted at six was not the same as coming as an infant and he needed to find his identity. I don't think finding his birthfamily is really the reason he isn't speaking to us. He stopped before he found them. He was always very thoughtful and introspective and searching, searching, searching for his identity. He strongly identifies with his Chinese heritage and has no caucasian friends or contacts anymore. He and his Chinese wife only eat Chinese food. And they are so steeped in their church that they go every day, even after a hard day's work. There are many variables. We did do our best, and I'm good with that. I'm sad that he wishes we were different, but some birth kids wish their parents were different and reject them too. I wish him well on whatever journey he is on. I don't think he will come back to us, but at least I don't have to worry about him--he is financially secure and would never make bad financial choices or endanager himself.
  20. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Three years is an eternity in some ways, and a mere moment in time time in others...

    It sounds as tho you accept him for who he is, which is wonderful.

    The passing of time and years have a funny way of doing things to people. Perhaps some day, particularly when he is older and more time has passed, he will realize that even tho you weren't what he "wanted", you gave him a home to grow up in, and maybe, just maybe, he'll at least send a card in return.